Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Blah, blah, blah-diddy-blah

Today marks one week exactly since my mother died. Hopefully not too many people will know what it's like to scramble around a hospital room, frantically cleaning, gathering and chucking things out, as someone they loved very much lies there mort on the bed.
Too harsh?

How can I describe how I feel? My brother has described his feelings as an enormous, or crushing sadness. My sister has mentioned this overwhelming sense of frustration; she wants to call mom, but she can't, thus she feels frustrated, among other things. Me? Over and over, when I try to classify how I'm feeling, I picture this big neon sign that says:


I'm finding I'm having a very difficult time with the banal lately. You know--that stuff we open our yaps and blab about every day: "I don't know what I'm going to make for dinner tonight. My son is so picky, and my daughter doesn't like cauliflower."
I'm also having a hard time listening to it. New Mom at the kindergarten pickup a few days ago: "yeah, we just moved here. We used to live in Toronto, then we lived in Mississauga, then we lived in Niagara Falls, and then we lived in Ridgeway, and now we're back in Niagara Falls. No offense, but Ridgeway was 'hillbilly heaven.' No, I shouldn't say that. It just takes an adjustment you know what I mean? But that's what I found when I moved to Niagara Falls too. We had to make an adjustment..." I nodded my head appropriately, and kept saying; "uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. I understand." Honestly, I didn't give a damn.
It also happens on Facebook. I am not knocking Facebook--I'm as much of a loser as anyone else, and I love that news feed page whereby people post all their comings, goings, doings and general who-gives-a-rats-ass thoughts of the day. Right now though, I can't take them. One "friend" had written something about having a hard night. The dinner he/she had tried to make just didn't turn out. Call me a total douche, but I so wanted to write; "That's too bad your dinner didn't work out. My mom died." ZING-A!
Deep breaths karen. All things will not seem so completely meaningless as time goes by.
I think.


  1. I am sorry that you are dealing with this now...I don't know you or your family, but appreciate your honesty in your blog. I like your style. I think under normal circumstance we would get on great. Take care of yourself.

  2. Anger is good Karen and you are so justified in having it.
    You have joined my club...the club of mourning a parent. It's not a club you should belong to. It is so much harder for you because you had an amazing relationship with your all did. That's where the anger comes from. To have someone who was so great and caused no conflict taken from you is very difficult.
    Rob and I experienced constant knocks from our parents we we're conditioned for dysfunction. You on the other hand were not. You had a great trauma or drama just a really solid loving family that so many of us wished we had.
    And like I said before that's my goal with my own little family have that loving secure family.

  3. Thanks everyone.
    First of all, hi Cranberry Cottage--my pathetic ego was all excited to see you as a follower to my blog. Welcome to my bad attitude in print!

    I'm sure I won't be such an intolerant beyotch forever...oh wait, maybe I will. Sigh.

  4. I was very close to Dave's dad. As he got more sick I went over to his house everyday and made him something to eat (we all know how much I hate cooking). He would always eat his food for me. When he was admitted to the hospital, just before the end, I was the last person he told "I love you!" and understand what he was saying. Months went by and it was Christmas and my sister asked my husband, Dave, why is Diane so upset about your father still! Stupid %unt! Even though he was my father-in-law, I loved him, he was Justin's papa, and part of my family! Time does heal Karen but it takes a while and hopefully you don't have really retarded people in your life!

  5. Let's face it--retarded people are everywhere.
    Thanks for sharing though. It's always hard to lose someone we love--even if they're "better off," or whatever. Selfishly we'd still rather have that person here--sick or not.

  6. Years after my dad died, there was an episode of Greys Anatomy that had a very short segment and it was one of the most profound things I'd ever heard. Someone else had put words to my feelings and I cried.

    "I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't".

    Continued ((hugs)).

  7. It is hard, and will be. It does get better, maybe not even that, you just start to not think about it as much, it just becomes different. I am sorry you lost your mom.

  8. So... I've just recently found your blog, through Mark's amazing blog, and can I say how happy I have. First, you're a effin' hoot. I sat the other night laughing my arse off sending the cats into a panic that I just might explode bc I was reading your blog about perds (aka periods) You're humorous & sassy... ya know, much like me, must be why I adore you. Then I see a pic & wonder who this lovely woman is, and it's your mama ♥ so I search for April 2010 so I can get some insight. And damn. Now I know why I was lead to your blog (no worries this isn't a weird spiritual thing) I read these blogs & just cried. Not only for your pain but how much I feel your pain from experience. I see how such a traumatizing turn in life can change someone, sometimes for forever & sometimes just for the time being. I got ya girl. Lost my dad 2008. No warning, died right in front of me, my mom & my 2 sisters. Sucked ass big time. I miss him tremendously and though it's been 4 yrs, people just don't get it. they can't relate to that "I'm never going to be the same" feeling. Yes we adapt, yes we cry less, yes life goes on... but damn it, sometimes you just wish it didnt'. Anyway, I think you're amazing, I can relate in so many ways. Deepest condolences to you & your fmaily.

    Ps... I ejust referred a friend/coworker to your page today bc she has an Autistic son about Jack's age & I think she would LURV you ;) Keep doing what you're doing or as Dory would say "just keep swimmin'" and thanks for the tears & the laughs ♥

  9. Thank you, lovely sun-symbol lady (that sounds crazy, but I don't know your name!) I'm so sorry about your dad. Your right though: it does suck ass. I miss my mother all the time. And you're right: people don't get it. They kind of shrug and think, yeah, so? Your parent died. They're supposed to die first. But, I see old ladies walking along with their really, really old mothers, and I know they got to spend so much more time together.

    I hope your friend comes for a "visit." I'd love to hear about her experiences.

    Thank you for becoming a friend as well.


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