Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep

See that picture there? I was 21 or 22, and I had MONO. Best time of my life! Yes, I was ridiculously tired, and yes I had swollen glands all over my head, but damn, that was some good Me-time. I did freak out when I found a swollen gland on the back of my head. Who knew you could get a swollen gland there?? However, my second year of university had just ended, it was gorgeous spring, and per my doctor's advice, I had to delay returning to my seasonal hotel housekeeping (CHARWOMAN) job for two weeks. So, I took our little family sheltie (Shetland sheepdog, if you want to sound froo-froo), to a local park and we went for walks nearly every day. The worst of the illness had passed, and I felt a little tired, but not too bad. So, I have fond memories of those days, ironically enough.

Sometimes at night, still, when I'm feeling particularly stressed and want to calm down, I do a little visualization therapy, and imagine I am on top of that field, on a blanket with Woody the dog, as the view stretches out all the way across the farms below, and over lake Ontario. I picture us on a warm, windy day, with Woody and his long doggy fur blowing in the wind, and if we feel like it, we just have a little nap right there, because there's noone else around.


I am obsessed with sleep. OBSESSED. I think about sleep all the time. I crave it. I yearn for it. I fantasize about it. I fret over it. I feel despair when I think about it. I never, ever seem to get enough of it. Actually, I would have to say that I probably only wake up about once every couple of months and think 'wow, I feel great.'

Nope, I roll out of bed feeling like a great, worn out dishrag, or a big, wrinkled pillow case nearly every day. I am a light sleeper. My husband snores. He also, while sleeping, will suddenly raise one knee, and slowly let his foot shnick..shnick.....shnick......shnick....down the length of the bed. This drives me bananas. "YOU'RE DOING THAT LEG THING," I will humourlessly say. Or, if I happen to flip over onto my left side, even though he is sound asleep, he will immediatlely flip over and face me. My god I hate that. I can not bear the steamy breeze of someone's breath washing over me as I sleep. Sometimes he'll throw an arm over my side, and as he falls deeper into sleep, his arm becomes heavier, and heavier and heavier, until it weighs approximately 300 pounds.

I miss my single bed! I miss it! WAAAAAAA! I used to share a room with my sister for YEARS! I could put my arms and legs any way I liked. I could sleep in a starfish position. Teenage karen would sleep and sleep and sleep. My sister and I used to get up between 11 AM and noon. My Mom would graciously lie for me if someone happened to phone, so as to hide my secret shame; "I think she's washing her hair right now. I'll have her call you when she comes down." YOU GO, MOM! Sometimes people would try to tell me, that by sleeping till noon I was "wasting" half the day. Wasting it. there actually anything better than sleep?!?

When my son was born, six years ago, I experienced total culture shock. I couldn't believe that I could be so tired, but still could not get more than a couple hours' sleep at a time. Also, getting up at 4 in the morning was horrifying. Yeah, dramatic, right? Plus, I found my new baby terrifying, but I digress. My parents came to visit not long after I had Jack, and when they were leaving I was sobbing on my dad. He told me that I was no longer on a twelve hour clock, but that I was on a 24 hour clock. Funnily enough, that was comforting. So then, as time marched on, and my son entered a long phase of endless colds, throat and ear infections, and then some dandy gastroenteritis (I hate you, stomach flu), deep sleep became a thing of the past, as I learned to listen for every change in breathing, or for sounds of imminent vomiting.

And then, along came Ella. My little love Ella was born on a Tuesday. She was born just after noon. I got ZERO sleep that night. Every time I tried to put her down--"WAAAAAAAAAAA!" And so I gave up on sleep, sometime around 5 in the morning. I didn't get more than two hours sleep at a time until FRIDAY. That's the most sleep-deprived I'd ever been. I was starting to feel very weird--spacey. Ella likes to get up at the @$$ crack of dawn. She doesn't come downstairs and quietly watch TV as her brother did. No, she harrasses for anything and everything until I finally emerge, homicidal, from my room.
"I'm thirsty. I need juice."

"I'm hungry. I need breakfast."

"Somebody help me put a movie on [the DVD player]"

*CRASH!!!!!!!" (a whole bag of building blocks has been dumped onto the UNCARPETED hardwood floor)

Last Saturday was particularly fantastic: thanks to a whole new dimension of sleep disturbance, called GRIEF, I now wake up even more times during the night. Interestingly enough, for a few nights I would wake up, look at the clock and see


Weird. Okay, so last Saturday I idiotically went to bed at midnight. And then I was awake from 2 AM till 4 AM. And then my little morning person came trotting downstairs to start her day at FIVE FORTY FIVE. 5:45. Sweet mother of god, I didn't know whether to weep, or go out and beat the crap out of some random person.

Oh yes, and let's not forget my thyroid. My sucky, sh*tty, used up, burnt out, nodule-on-it thyroid. I'll have to blog another time about the joys of needles in the neck, but for now let's just say that while arrogant doctors have informed me that my thyroid is "normal, normal, normal," my last doctor did concede that I am at the 'low end' of normal. In all my medical ignorance, let me explain it thusly: if your magic thyroid number is "5" and over, it merits treatment. Last time I had a blood test, my count was 4.75. Gee, no wonder I feel like coughed-up crap all the time.

Actually, this blog is making me a little ill now. I already do enough obsessing over sleep, so this has just revoltingly put it over the top.

blech. At least there's naps.


  1. Oh, my gosh!!! You are hilarious!!! I am a friend of Pam's and anyone Pam recommends has to be worth the visit! I found snippets of me in your latest entry. That's as far as I got since I was laughing so much I don't think I can take any more in one day. But I'll be back!!!!

  2. So, all those years, you WEREN'T washing your hair?!? I have to go re-think my childhood now.

  3. See i told you i'll get you followers!!!
    You haven't posted your award! Are you too tired? lol !

  4. thanks, kabrockwell! I'm glad I could inspire a laugh. Please do stop by any time--I have lots more rant in me.

  5. yes indeed Matt--if you called any time at 11 or before, chances are I was buried under blankets.

  6. Pam, I posted my award on the side of my blog, but since I'm an ignoramus, I didn't know if I was supposed to say 7 things about myself, etc, etc.

  7. Karen.... Maybe not to the same extent as you... but man do I love sleep too. Don't forget when I started working!!! And I would go out to the club with friends and would have to obsessively count on my fingers how much sleep I would get if I got home as such and such time. I was always "worried" about not putting in my GOOD 8 hours of sleep a night. I'm only lucky now that Lily and Charlotte are such good sleepers. Phew.

    Dave always tells me, "Ehhh... I'll sleep enough when I'm dead." Pffft.


  8. The occasional beer puts me to sleep, that and a TV with the sound down low.
    I've seen all of the same science documentaries about the planets so many times that it's putting me to sleep now.
    With Jupiter, I'm asleep by the 3rd moon.

  9. asleep by the third moon! Bennet, that deserves an all too trendy LOL!

  10. now, as for that overused "I'll sleep when I'm dead" declaration--yeah, I'm tired of that one. I intend to sleep as much while I'm alive as possible (she says as she takes a large glug of coffee).

  11. Well yeah your supposed to say 7 things about yourself but don't worry about it!
    I'm a sleepaholic too by the way.

  12. Ok so I think that maybe I might be your sister because reading through this is like looking at my own life. I mean really. I have to be tested every year for my thyroid, the numbers go up and down, no needles yet, thank god. Sorry, I have had enough of them to last me a lifetime....and then some. Still reading. Let me tell you, I have been sitting here for over an hour, glue to the screen, laughing, crying. You do not need the pretty pictures, you blog just the way you are and that is great.

  13. thanks Alaina. I totally hate my thyroid. We can be thyroid sisters then. Lousy, stupid sub-par thyroid.


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