Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Continued Quest For The Dress and A Day of General Revulsion

Yesterday sucked.

Where to begin...okay, my sister invited me over earlier in the day for dinner at her house. She was making some nice chicken soup, and filled up the decent sized kiddie pool for the kids. C'mon over and have some fun. Hm, I still wanted to find that un-findable dress though, so I made a deal with THE MAN: I would go to a local outlet store I hadn't been to yet, and when I returned, would whisk the kids away for fun at their aunty's, and he would enjoy utopic solitude.

So, off I went in the thousand degree heat. Incidentally, does anybody really like this heat??? Does anyone like it when their car feels like a freaking oven, and just leaving the house turns you into a shiny-faced mess? But I digress. The local outlet mall is comprised of several BRAND NAME DESIGNER outlet shops, including Tommy Hilfiger, Guess, and Jones New York to name a few. Supposedly these little sattelite shops offer better deals than their bloated-price regular stores. Supposedly. Surely, I thought, one of these frou-frou, hoity-toity shops will have a dress, right?

WRONG. Not for my cheesecake hips.

Oh, I just spoiled the suspense. Enh, whatevs.

So, the first store I went into was Jones New York. Dig this; the sales lady actually gave me the UP AND DOWN look before greeting me. I thought that look was a bad omen, personally. In one sweep of my frame it said; "well, there's nothing in here for YOU, but I'll let YOU figure that out for yourself." There were a few skirts, but they were ankle length, and I wonder if those actually look better on someone who has legs longer than their arms. C'est pas moi. Prices sucked, on to the next store.

The next store was a Tan Jay/Alia hybrid, and I can only say that while the sales lady seemed nicer, I detected a note of futility in her voice. Like, her "hi there," actually meant; "you can have a look, but these clothes are for older frumpy ladies who are shaped like squares." Okay, if anybody has shopped at Alia or TanJay and loves their clothes, my apologies. Personally, when I popped in there, the clothes were hideous. No wait, I don't apologise. If you're in your 20's, 30's or 40's, there is no need to dress like you're in your 70's, and I don't know who decided it was a great fashion idea to sew a faux necklace directly onto a shirt.

Moving along...said forget it to the Levis outlet, and also forget it to Garage as I am not a stick, also passed by the SOCK OUTLET, because--Really??? Skipped over the Oshkosh outlet since the kids are better dressed than I am already. Then I apparently lost my mind and decided to have a look-see in ESCADA. Hm...thought my brain...wait a minute...Escada..Escada...sounds familiar...oh yes, didn't they have a designer ESCADA Barbie at one point? (Reader should note that karen had a raging Barbie doll addiction for a few years, but luckily reigned herself in a long time back). So, it was one of THOSE stores, wherein the sales ladies don't even bother greeting you, and there are only about four long racks of clothes anyway. Decided I didn't need a fuscia wool dress, and also figured that if there is a "90% off" rack greeting you as you enter the store, chances are the prices aren't even worth considering. And so I didn't. And so I got the rock out of there.

At this point, I was completely annoyed. I wanted to return to all of these stores (except the TanJay one--that lady was nice), and remind the beyotches working in all of these places, that while they think they are the cream of society, they are still JUST CASHIERS SERVING THE IDIOT PUBLIC SO THEY SHOULD REALLY JUST TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH AND GET A REALITY CHECK.


Wandered listlessly into the Body Shop outlet, and since I love bath stuff, cheered myself up with a bottle of lemon bath wash (smelled lurvely). The annoying part was that only the sub-par scents were actually offered at a discount. Anything popular or good was full price. Sucked in karen, take your bath wash and get out.

Shuffled into Guess. Shuffled right back out.

In desperation, I crossed back to the other side of the square, again, to give Hilfiger a try. Hey, wait a minute--am I wrong or do the clothes their just look like THE GAP, and if the Gap is overpriced, aren't these boring preppy clothes kind of ludicrously priced? Pfft.

While crossing the street, noticed some 9 year old kid wearing a HOLLISTER shirt. Sheesh.

And finally, a very grouchy, homicidal karen stumbled into Laura/Laura Petites. Hey! There are a ton of dresses here! In the PETITES SECTION. SON OF A %@&*!!! While I was scowling about the store, some older (mid 50's or so) yuppie couple came in, and the guy was wearing a HILFIGER shirt. And then inwardly I snapped. Herewith, I shall rant:

karen's Soapbox Rant

Is this REALLY what's important to people?? Overpriced clothing that is neither exciting nor unique, but is important simply because it has THE RIGHT LABEL on it?? Are we never to move on from this HIGHSCHOOL MENTALITY whereby we are COOL because we have THE RIGHT CLOTHES? Must we all define ourselves by the labels we carry on our shirts, and then doesn't that simply make us WALKING BILBOARDS rather than original-minded, INDIVIDUALS?? Also, do we really, really need a $50 t-shirt, or $200 jeans? Can we not by a pair of jeans for $100 and then walk over to our local charity with a bag filled with $100 worth of groceries for somebody in town who works 60 hours a week, but gets paid minimum wage and receives no benefits??? SERIOUSLY

here endeth this rant

Needless to say I was not happy. Today the quest for the dress continues at the mall. Eek.

So, then I drove home in the inferno-like heat, and got the kids ready to go to my sister's. I think they should make a special calendar for parents that counts down the last week till school starts again with mounting happiness, and possibly even little treats--kind of like one of those Christmas calendars, whereby each day you open the flap and get a little piece of chocolate. Then, on the square that says FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL, you open the giant flap and out pops a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

Oh, but wait, before heading off to my sister's, I surveyed the many bags lying around the floor filled with children's clothes, yet again. Are you like me? Do you have to bring a change of clothes for your children whenever you go to someone's home, because they may spill something on themselves, become mysteriously soaked or just pee their pants because they were too lazy to go to the can, and by the time they try to hustle in there it's too late? Oh, and do you have bags of new clothes for school lying around waiting to be dealt with that you didn't even buy? Oh, and do you have stacks and stacks of clothes that the children have perhaps already worn, or rejected as a choice for that day, or wore to bed the night before, and they never find their way up to their rightful places because you are tired, and you have decided you shoud drop everything and force the little people out for some sort of exercise, or you only had four hours of sleep, and you can't find it in you to get motivated into cleaning that pile again because you just cleaned it two days ago, and your house was spotless then, and now it once again looks like you never, ever clean? AND, is there a bundle of sheets and a comforter waiting for you to wash it because the bed was peed, but you have no idea when you're going to get to it because you just washed a MONSTROUS amount of dishes that waited for you since yesterday when you made a pasta salad and a cake to bring to your brother's for a Sunday family gathering?

Well, that was when I had a small, immature fit and just started freaking out about the CLOTHES, CLOTHES, CLOTHES, EVERYWHERE CLOTHES, and dumped all the bags into a pile on the floor, while your husband dances around exhasperated admonishing you with; "well, don't lose the receipts!" Not a pretty sight, I have to admit.

Off to my sister's...

Anyhoo, THE FIGHT TWINS fought and fought and fought and fought, until my throat was actually hoarse from trying to get them to stop. I tried "time outs," threatening them with coming home, and finally begging and pleading. After being verbally abused for about an hour, my sister served up a lovely meal of homemade soup and a really nice salad. Just as I was about to eat my salad, Ella proclaimed she was "done," and left the table, knocking her full cup of juice off along the way. I got into some sort of argument with Jack, which resulted in him headbutting me in the shoulder twice. Rather than strangle him, I said THAT'S IT, and told him we were leaving as soon as I'd finished my salad. He got so upset over this that he did a semi-bite thing to my arm. Seriously, what is it that keeps a parent from tossing their child across a room? Is it the memory of how sweet they can otherwise be? Is it that little voice that reminds us that we are, in fact, bigger and supposedly more mature? Well, whatever it was, I finished my salad with my blood boiling. Then my sis took the lovely fruit crisp out of the oven, and somehow flipped it upside down onto the counter. And we have a BINGO.
On the drive home, with Jack sobbing and sobbing, and telling me how "bad" I was and how "mean" I was, I essentially snapped and dropped the F BOMB in a retaliatory rant. Yes, I am officially now a dirt ball. Dirt ball mom will be calling the behavioural people today and asking them why they have ignored 2 emails and an online intake form.

So, when I got home, I pretended I had no children, and retreated to the relative safety of the computer nook here and had a nice little pity party. What did I think of? Well, invariably, when my children and especially my poor, issue-riddled son, have a rang, I think back to the parking lot at my daughter's nursery school. A girl I went to highschool with has a son who attended the nursery school as well. One morning, as I was dropping Ella off, this woman and her son were sitting in the car together, having a breakfast picnic. This woman is very pretty, has a real-life grownup CAREER. She also has funky hair, great clothes, is still slim and even worse--is a GENUINELY NICE, LOVELY person. So, she was sitting there having this picnic with her little boy who is sweet, quiet, and shy. "Here honey, " she said; "have another blueberry." No fighting. No flipping out. I'm not going to make the obvious life comparisons, I'll just let you mull over that image. All I will say is that life, for some people, is clearly VASTLY different.

And so after that, I went upstairs, washed my face, brushed my teeth, put my pyjamas on, and went to bed. At 8:30. The end, to a very revolting day.


  1. Oh, bad day when you have to think of trying on clothes in this heat. Have you tried the Dress barn, they have a larger sized women section. There is one at the Outlet mall and on Niagara Falls blvd in Amherst. Lane Bryant, high prices, but you may be able to get a summer dress on sale, I think it is next to the Dress Barn on Blvd. I have been able to find a dress there when no one else even has them out in February. Also have you tried the Avenue, farther down the Blvd in the TJMaxx plaza. Good luck, I know what it is like looking for something to wear to a wedding in the summer, I had two last year.

    Now, give yourself a break. My floor does not get washed in the kitchen each week. Why when I sweep it more than 3 times a day. My son goes through more clothes than any girl I have ever seen. His father is the one who had the freak out about the clothes in the laundry. Mr. won't even fold their clothes, just sets the laundry basket outside the kids rooms and tells them to PUT IT AWAY. Oh and my little guy, yeah, he learned A**ho** from his father one day, me, I taught him Damn it.

    As for that celebration, next Tuesday as soon as I drop my little guy off at preschool, I am making mamosas and you are more than welcome to join me!

  2. Karen i have just read to the middle of this post and have to stop and say before i continue.
    CALL DIANE she is THE BEST personal shopper in the world!!!!!!!!AND she loves to shop and i bet my life on it she will find you something great!! And she loves Wal of Evil.

    Now i have never found anything at that outlet mall! Too expensive and i sooooo agree with you about the salesladies and the idiot guys and girls who have to have the names plastered on them! I always felt like i had to dress up before going there!
    NOw PLEASE call Diane you want her cell number? SHE WILL FIND YOU SOMETHIng Maybe i'll call her to call you!

  3. And when you do call her tell her to bring a couple bottles of wine....i just read the last of your post!
    I'm sure things will get better...hang in there!

  4. Paula says to try Laura Plus, and those USA stores are also a good suggestion, but I SAY show up in cutoffs and a, husband-beater. You'll make a great pic, be more comfortable, and perhaps set a new counter-cultural trend! Plus it's cheaper. Your man will fall in love with you anew. Remember to thank me after. Oh yeah. Don't worry about the bra either. Just put "Hilfiger" in gold sparkle glue on the beater. Voila!

  5. hahha ha your friend Matt cracks me up!
    Love his comments!
    Yeah go with the outfit he suggested especially the no bra and glitter writing! Knock em dead Karen!

  6. Oh my lord. I don't know where to begin. Matt, you've totally cracked me up again. Me in that outfit at the wedding is now an image that's burned my brain. Ow! My mental eyes! Hilarious.

  7. Pam, thanks but I found something! Hooray! I'm good to go! How is Diane by the way...

  8. Alaina, you truly are a kindred spirit. Oh the calm that washed over me as I read how you have to sweep the floor 3 times a day. Ha! Isn't it sad that this stuff gives me comfort? Seriously, it does.
    Anyhow, you are now the third person to have raved about that dress shop. But guess what--I don't have my up to date passport! Waaaaa! That stupid passport rule is completely ridiculous! That's it. Enough is enough--I'm going to get me a new passport once and for all.

  9. You HAVE to send me a facebook message and tell me who has breakfast picnics!! There's women at work who drive perfectly clean cars, are dressed to the hilt and have young children. I don't get it. I think they are really aliens.

    Matt almost had it right... you need to bedazzle the Hilfiger on the shirt.

    Oh, and from the tool girl here, Shop Vacs are awesome!! I'm not sure I own a broom anymore. My shop vac sucks up anything my kids dump out - sometimes it even sucks up small toys. ;0

  10. funny Lisa--my sister vac's with a shop vac as well. Oh, but the noise! Okay, I'l email you with the details.

  11. I need closure on the dress situation. Details!


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