Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Vacation Journal

People, I have just returned from an exhausting 7 days of sun, sand and family angst, and have the gall to believe that everybody's just dying to hear how my trip went. Well good news, kind readers: I have kept a journal of sorts whilst away! It'll be a bit of a long read, but we all need a break once in a while, so make a steamy beverage and get comfortable...

Monday August 1, 2010
9:46 PM ~ Day 3 of Vacation

I have just put the lids back on all the markers, and cleared a space, and am sitting here with a lovely vodka and lemonade at my side. What's particularly pleasing to me about the drink is that it's in a plastic glass with pictures of lemon slices on it. Me likee this kind of thing--lemonade in a lemon glass! Hooray! It's on a par with socks being the same colour as my shirt.

I have just tucked the children into their heinous pull-out sofa bed, and I think they are already asleep. There is no way I could sleep on that thing, but the kids have assured me several times, after I've asked them, that they are comfortable.

We are here all week, and give the keys back on Saturday. We've stayed at this park 3 times before, but had to find a new trailer this year since the lady we rented from last time was an EVIL person, and hopefully will suffer massively from KARMIC RETRIBUTION--but I digress...

On Saturday when we checked in, I was nearly nutty from the exhaustion of packing, and of course the kids wanted to swim IMMEDIATELY. THe owner of this trailer is a lovely, lovely American lady, who apparently does not notice how grungy her trailer is, and no longer sees the layer of greasy filthy that's on most everything. Why, even the crucifix, nicely affixed on the side of the kitchen cupboard with a thumb tack, is filth-ay. Jesus with an inch of dust on his head--ponder this.

Also, the place is LOADED with spiders. THE MAN just snuffed out 2 big ones in the kids' room (and did so last night). On Saturday night he killed 4 spiders over our bed before I'd even CONSIDER hitting the sack. I had to have a cocktail just to muster up the courage to go to bed. When I laid down, I said my vacation prayer: "please don't let anything land on my face," and proceeded to have a sh-tay night's sleep.

Sunday - went to the beach in the morning, then came back to our trailer for lunch with my sister, bro in law, her kids, my brother, his girlfriend, my dad (staying at another trailer in the same park), and leapt into the vodka with both feet. My brother brought over his 50 pound casserole dish with leftover excellent homemade chili (chilli?), and we had chili dogs. I should mention that bro also bought the fattest hot dogs ever, and the evil voice in my brain told me it was OK to eat one jumbo chili dog, and a what-the-hell-why-not regular-dog chili dog. So, by 4:00 I was a burnt out bloat sack, and had a gorgeous nap with my little buddy Jack. Nap was cut short though by my daughter shouting; "Daddeeee...Daddeeeeee...! DADDEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I NEED YOU TO WIPE MY BUM!" So, in homicidal mode, I hissed; "CAN'T YOU HEAR HER CALLING YOU???!!!"
The Man; "No--sorry."

Went to bed and cried a second night because my mom is not here.

Let's crack a bag of chips...

I have decided that thanks to constant proximity to the lake I have THE ugliest hair in all of vacationland, which doesn't turn curly, but instead actually turns SQUIGGLY; picture many tight, fuzzy zigzags or just picture MEDUSA--whichever. It doesn't help that there are 20-something (18, more like it) hotties zipping around everywhere on their golf carts (official vacationland mode of transportation), and none of them have horrid wig hair, or wear bathing suit "coverups." This from the girl who is chowing chips (Baked! Not Fried!) whilst pounding a highball. Enh--whatevs.

Went to the lake beach today AND the quarry beach, so the kids were sufficiently "done in."

Tonight, as I was puttering around putting a few things away in the kitchen while the kids were tucked in all cozy, it suddenly occurred to me how one of the most comforting things as a kid was hearing my parents milling around while I was in bed. Everything was right, and I didn't need to worry about a thing, because my parents were there and I was safe. And now I'm the adult, and I have to hear all the noises in the house, and wonder who'll get cancer next, and my mother is gone. And voila, I've lost my appetite.

Tuesday? Day 4

Right across the road from our buggy little trailer is the beach. So, as I sit on the deck I hear and see the waves--it's very windy today. Does anyone NOT like the sound of water rushing to shore??? As I looked way down the beach, I could see the familiar tiny shapes of my husband and son, and I was filled suddenly with this wave of love (no pun intended on 'wave').

Well, time to get my girlie into her bathing suit and join them. Lunch today was a boiled weiner and a handful of trail mix! Vive Les Vacances!

Wednesday ~ Day 5 ~ 7:09 AM

Question: are family vacations actually good, or are they exhausting? Must ponder this. My daughter, once again, has been up since 6:00, which means I have been up since 6:00, but have been in my bed with her, pleading for more sleep until 6:45 when I gave up:

Ella: "I'm hungry."
Me: "You always say you're hungry."
Ella: "I want a popsicle!"
Me: "ssh, go back to sleep."
Ella: "My tummy is grumbling."
Me: "keep sleeping."
Ella: "I NEED a posicle!"

* Note: I do NOT condone popsicle breakfasts.

Anyhow, at 6:50, as I was making Ella some breakfast, I was thinking that my idea of a vacation differs from the FAMILY vacation. In the family vacay, I must bob around for hours and hours in water, constantly doing a child safety head count, and hearing "Mom, watch me! Mom WATCH MEEEEE!" Then I return to the trailer where I am verbally abused by my ravenous children until I'm able to concoct some form of lunch, then I have some sort of sweaty, fitful siesta because I've been awake since 6:00 and had a sh*tty sleep anyway in that hard, crinkly bed. Then I'm dragged off for more swimming, then back late to scramble a dinner together, can't sit on the deck anywhere from DUSK ONWARD as it becomes over-run with large spiders frantically assembling webs for the nighttime bug feast (speaking of spiders, they are actually starting to make me ANGRY. The deck is full of them, and every night when the kids to sleep in the "sun room," there are at least 2 huge ones The Man has to kill. So, last night as I was driven inside, I tried to take in the view of the waves through the kitchen window when a dime-sized monster bobbled past my line of vision, speedily building its web).

Oh, here's another thing I should mention: haven't turned the AC on once here. Since the trailer is essentially filthy, The Man and I are both leery of what kind of shmutz will puff out of the grody looking vents if we fire the thing up. Seeing as how Jon has a vicious dust allergy, we decided to just swelter instead. Which brings me to my next point: what comprises a "vacation" in my mind.

Well, we'd be staying in some place that is CLEAN. I'm not a total princess--I don't give a sh*t if the furniture matches. There would preferably be NO (ZERO) bugs inside, but I might be forgiving for one small spider, because, hey, it's nature! The kids would NOT be with us, but would be happily staying with their grandparents, so I'd be guilt-free, knowing they'd have a good time. I would rise in the morning at 8:00, have a nice breakfast and then go out to see the fabulous city I'd be in. Then I'd return and lounge on a beach blanket, pleasantly zoned out to the sound of the waves. I'd swim for a bit, spend some time naked in all my broken-wreck glory in my room. Then I'd get washed, coat myself in makeup, put on the fun new clothes I'd bought for vacation, and head off for a nice dinner on some outdoor patio, with adult cocktails. I would hold hands with The Man, and I wouldn't feel compelled to say; "how come you NEVER put the cutlery away?!?" which is the kind of stuff that is inspired by BEING AWAKE SINCE SIX.

Yes, yes, waaa, waaa, I'm a complainer. I s'pose my attitude will change once coffee hits my system. Good old coffee.

Thursday ~ Vacation (mercifully) almost over

Ella had a full on, freak out tantrum the entire walk from our trailer to the beach. It went a little something like this: "I DON'T WANNA WAAAAALK! I DON'T WANNA WAAAAAALK! I DON'T WANNA WAAAALK!" Highly enjoyable.

I am officially sick of spiders. It is impossible to sit on the deck, which has a tantalizing bird's-eye view of the lake, because within moments of water-blasting every surface, it is once again rendered unusable thanks to spiders. Ella and I counted 7 big ones along side the deck as we were coming in for the night. Last night I wanted to see the sunset from the deck when a large one ran across my white beach coverup. In a fit of rage I thwacked it with a pair of shorts. F**K!!! Oh wait, this was Tuesday night I think. Aw, eff it--the whole week is one greasy blur of sunscreen, sand, green sand coating the inside of my bathing suit and t*ts, and children shouting "MOM, WATCH ME!" during my endless lifeguard stints.

Spiders. Geez. I thought I'd open the window here in the living room, and a large one RAN ACROSS MY WRIST and darted across the floor. I actually made The Man press his ear (his unplugged ear--good old swimming) against my chest to confirm if my poor tired heart was thrumming as frantically as I thought it was. Turns out it was "fine."

Lunch today was Doritos and a rye & coke. Yeah, I'm a rockstar now. Not only that, but as I got ready for bed, I had to run some soap over my lady bits, because after swimming in the quarry AND the lake today and not having a shower afterward, I am officially NASTY.

Last night we caved and fired the AC up, even though we feared what potential dust and FILTH might fly out of the thing. Oh the pleasure of being DRY and cool! Lakeside life brings new meaning to the word DANK. Discovered today, however, that running the AC and the toaster oven at the same time results in the power kicking out.

I imagine all of us are pretty well exhausted by now, as is evident in all the lovely "poo heads," and "I hate you's" we received. Good times all around. Roll on, first day back to school.

In other news I have decided I'm thoroughly revolted by the sight of my au naturel self, and upon my arrival home intend to:

1) flat-iron my unbelievably clean hair
2) do up my face in FULL makeup
3) administer a full self-pedicure

Aside from the un-hideable bags under my eyes, I refuse to look hideous any longer.

Hey! After 6 days I finally worked up the nerve to drive the golf cart. You go, karen. Sigh. Why am I such a wimp??? What finally did it was seeing the multitude of carts whizzing by either driven by 14 year olds or 80 year olds. Yeah.

Saturday - At Home!

Ye gods, I am tired. No, tired isn't a good enough word, and "exhausted" has been grossly overused I think, so let me just present you with two pictures: one is an actual shot I took of my face when I awoke this last morning at the trailer,
and the other is a mental image for you, good reader: piles and piles of dirty clothes and linens, and a box full of food that needs to be put away somewhere.

And now, a little something for my Mom:

Dear Mom,
I thought of you every day at the trailer. This is the first family vacation you have not been on, and your absence was very poignant. I missed you by the night time camp fire with us; you sitting there laughing with a cigarette in your hand. I missed you at the beach, with your clear delight for all the little people in all their silliness and delight as they swam. I missed you when my brother crafted up barbecued chicken so wonderful, I almost couldn't stop eating it, and in the mornings when I had coffee with my sister.

Anyhow, like I said, I'm tired. Tomorrow I'll plant the two new lilies I managed to buy on vacation (imagine the luck--someone was selling plants one day!) and weed the heck out of the garden, and go back to doing what I do every other day, only their won't be any swimming. Hm...ponder that.


  1. I feel your pain. I was waiting for our "vacation" to be over; for moms family vacations are doing all the same stuff with less convience and sleep!

  2. I would typically agree with Paula,except family camp had meals & programming provided, so "in theory" it shouldn't have been tough at all. But, tell THAT to the evil teeth bursting forth from my baby girl's gums all week and the blazing heat sent from Satan himself. I thought about a way we could sleep in the lake without drowning, but alas, I am merely an accountant...Thank-you for sharing your pain, though I am not surprised. I would have been shocked to read only of tidings of joy, rest, and family peace. Good to have your tired eyes back!

  3. You're both hilarious! Sleeping in the lake! Laughed out loud on that one. OH man--tell me about teeth. Ella teethed nearly constantly for a solid year. I also recall that with Jack, one night every time the baby tylenol wore off, he'd wake up screaming. Turns out the problem was 5 teeth had cut through at once. Poor little guy. Yeah, you'd all be very surprised if I wrote a blog called "Magical Vacation". Ah well, I can only be me.

  4. I so enjoyed this vacation!! The best was the doritos and rye Ha !

  5. Sounds like a vacation packed with obstacles, and hurdles.
    Kind of reminds me of when people always tell me I should go on a cruise, because apparently being stuck on a big boat is so much more fun that being on land.

    Most of the time when people leave me a lone, so I can do whatever I want, that's usually worth more to me than any trip around the world.
    My motto should be:
    " I want silence, it's gold "

  6. oh my god--I love alone time. No, I HEART IT. No, I LURV IT. How can I express my love for it more strongly? Anyhow, isn't the highlight of the cruise the free-flowing alcohol? I think a lot of people are gluttonous though, and think that the joy of it is the endless buffets.


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