Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Deep In The Heart Of PMS Country...

Conan the Barbarian, of course

I've already given my husband the warning:

"For your own safety today, I advise you all to give me a WIDE BERTH."

* From "The Phrase Finder":
'A Wide Berth'


A goodly distance.


'Wide berth' is most commonly found in the phrases 'keep a wide berth of', 'give a wide berth to' etc. It was originally a nautical term. We now think of a ship's berth as the place where the ship is moored. Before that though it meant 'a place where there is sea room to moor a ship'. This derives in turn from the probable derivation of the word berth, i.e. 'bearing off'. When sailors were warned to keep a wide bearing off something they were being told to make sure to maintain enough sea room from it..."

Isn't the computer fun, peeps???

For breakfast I had pizza and Doritos.  Breakfast--you know:  the most important meal of the day?  And now I'm floating facedown in a cup of coffee.  Every time I succumb to this sodium/fat/msg-laden crap, I hear the same chirpy PMS advice rattle through my brain:

*avoid salty foods, as this will make me turn into a human water balloon
* avoid sugary foods, as this will make my blood sugar rise and fall like a rollercoaster ride
* avoid caffeine as this will only make symptoms worse

But, I've added my own rule to the end of that, which TRUMPS all the others:

* do whatever it takes to avoid lopping off heads like that dude in Highlander.

So, I had the zesty cheese chips and a slice of pizza.  I considered washing it all down with some egg nog, but I'm not a total animal, so I had some freaking apple juice instead. 

Apple juice.  Why do children love it so much?  Why, as it becomes apparent that I HAVE to go for groceries today, is apple juice the only juice left in good supply?  No orange juice.  No antioxidant-rich berry juice.  No, just apple juice, which I will NEVER like again after surviving all those years with childhood illnesses, nursing a cup of room temperature apple juice or gingerale.  I should also note that it took years before I liked Canada Dry Gingerale again.  Years. 

This is how I imagine a conversation with my PMS Brain would sound:

PMS:  heat up that pizza
karen:  isn't it a gross waste of energy to heat up the oven for ONE piece of pizza???
karen:  okay, okay!
PMS: mmgoodmmph mmph chompchomp pizza good...oh no
karen: what?  What's the matter?
PMS: this pizza slice isn't going to cut it.  WE NEED MORE FOOD
karen:  okay! Okay!  Calm down!
karen:  Should we be eating those for breakfast?
PMS:  yeah, it's SO much better if you eat them at bed time, dough head.
karen:  sigh.
PMS: mmgoodmmph mmph chompchomp zesty cheesy chips good
karen:  yes, they are good, and they're making me feel...happy!  CHOMPCHOMP--
PMS:  what the hell do you think you're doing?
karen:  I'm eating these chips
PMS:  oh my god.  You're disgusting.  What are you doing eating nacho chips for breakfast.  FRUIT, WE NEED FRUIT.  Seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself.

So, as I was eating my horrible breakfast, and being left (mercifully) alone, I was musing again about recreating my Polish grandmother's pierogi.  This will be the 2nd Christmas without grandma, and everyone has Grandma's own creation of pierogi filling on their minds. 

* pork roast, boiled until soft...then, put through the meat grinder
* saur kraut boiled...and then...through the meat grinder
* canned mushrooms...meat grinder
* fried onions
* loads of pepper...
* make dough with the recipe in my Ukranian Ladies' cookbook...

ponder, ponder, ponder...
I have the meat grinder too.  Grandma's meat grinder.  It's some heavy, industrial, no frills little contraption that I'm supposed to clamp on to the end of my table for use.  My brother asked me what I think of it.  I told him that using it will make me feel like even more of a carnivore than I already am.  Sheesh.  Hey, there's even an ancient tubette of some mystery meat that Grandma failed to clean out of one of  the little holes.  Yeah, exciting, right? 

It's soothing thinking about it though.  And let me tell you, I'm in a not so soothing state of mind.  Little Ella's been hacking up a lung (pardon that ugly expression) for days now, so every time, during the night, she hacked, I woke up.  Hack, awake.  Hack, awake.  Y'dig? 

Yesterday at breakfast time, The Man was standing attractively in his pyjama pants with no shirt on.  He goes to karate twice a week, and I pointed out to him that he had more "cut" to his muscles thanks to that (He'd be displeased to know that I'm even typing this, but the point of it is not about HIM, but about my hyperbolic response).  He then did an easy flex and turned his stomach into a four pack.  And I said; "isn't it nice that when men have children come into their lives, their bodies don't have to change?  Isn't that great?  You know, YOU PEOPLE should thank me.  You should thank me EVERY DAY." 

Ha ha ha, I'm a picnic, aren't I?

It is now 1:11 on a Sunday afternoon.  Ella has been cooped up in the house since Friday.  Jack has been having a youtube festival all weekend, and even now is tapping his foot impatiently for me to get off the computer.  The Man appears to be coming down with something now and I am nearly debilitated with the need to stick a pen in my eye and end the angst. 

And so I end this rant with a question:  how far can a half tank of gas get me?


  1. i'd say half a tank of gas can get you a pretty good, long distance, but if you have to take the kids along, it hardly seems worth it. sigh. i miss the days when i could get pissed off or cranky & just walk out the door w/ my keys & maybe a purse if i was really thinking ahead & stay out until i was ready to come home.
    i hope your pms roller coaster ride doesn't get too out of hand this month like mine sometimes do. but at least they're good for blog fodder!

  2. Sherilin, you are so right about PMS being good blog fodder. However, mine does become this GIANT MONSTER EVERY MONTH SO--well, I don't think my husband finds it too funny any longer.

  3. What every girl LURVES to hear, "Didn't you just have that like a week ago?" Sometimes I think there is such a thing as POST-MS, but just like the initials suggest PMS or PMS, you can't tell the difference. hahahahaha! And I'm NOT leaving my name, because you girls are going to smell me out and track me down. A target for your anger? No WAY.

  4. Man, good thing I'm not THAT guy. Sheesh. What was he thinking? Anyway, hang in there, Karen. Here is an innocent question: Does exercise diminish PMS symptoms?

  5. Oh PLEEEEEASE Anonymous! Please tell us who you are!! Come on! We're all friends here! We only target our anger at...well, anyone and everyone, but not friends and readers of my whining! Seriously though, I don't have POST ms. I am a total Jeckyl and Hyde.

  6. Oh Matt. Anonymous was you. I should have known.

    Exercise. Yes, it would diminish problems, but I defy anyone to climb out of APATHYANDANGER PIT and go for a walk. I might be less exciting then though.

  7. ahhh my old friend pms, this month i had the pleasure of experiencing it twice! pms makes all the little annoyances(sp?)seem like huge problems,like when you can't find two matching shoes causes you to fall on the floor and yell,WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE SO BLEEPIN' DIFFICULT!? the goodtimes are endless.

  8. I'm glad I'm not the only one who asks why their life is so difficult! I'm so impressed that you would make periogi. Too intimidating for me. I did make cabbage rolls this weekend though - so yummy.

  9. Paula, that just made me laugh out loud. Currently I'm pondering how not to throttle Jon for not doing the dishes last night. Good times indeed.

  10. if you can make cabbage rolls, I think you can make pierogi. Seriously--that's a lot of work! Did you make the sauce using a can of tomato sauce and a can of tomato soup? That's it--I'd better learn how to make them.

    I made potato and cheese pierogi before--which were dope--but I haven't tried this meat filling my grandma concocted.


  11. I made them with Campbell's tomato soup (it's got to be Campbell's - nothing else will do!). I have a fear of making dough - so that's why perogi are frightening. The cabbage rolls are easy - they take some time, but they are not hard.

    1 c white rice
    1.5 lbs lean (or not) ground beef
    1 large onion coarsly chopped
    2 cans Campbell tomato soup
    1 head green cabbage

    1. cook rice per directions on package
    2. brown beef with onion, add salt & pepper to taste, drain fat
    3. combine beef/onion mixture with rice in a large bowl, mix well
    4. Add 1/4 c. of soup to beef/onion/rice mixture
    5. steam head of cabbage (you don't even need a steamer just put a couple cm of water in the bottom of a large pot and boil away)
    6. carefully pull out cabbage and remove leaves as they wilt, you will need to steam, pull off leaves and steam more to get them all off
    7. cut leaves in half and cut out the spine
    8. roll mixture in leaves and place in a cassarole dish
    9. pour the remaining soup and some water over top so that you see some liquid at the top of the rolls
    10. cover and cook at 350 F (sorry I don't know C anymore!) for at least 1.5 hours, up to 3 hours

    They are better if they sit over night and you cook them again the next day.

    If you like bacon you can cook about 5 slices in the pan before the ground beef, remove some of the fat but not all and then brown the beef in the bacon fat and and the crumbled bacon to the beef/rice mixture.

  12. that sounds friggin' good. My mother was adament about NEVER COOKING THE HAMBURGER FIRST though. Not me--my mom. She insisted it made it "mealy." Ha ha...I wonder if my grandma cooked the meat first...oh well, I LOVE cabbage rolls, and you're right--it has to be the Campbell's tomato soup.
    thanks for the recipe!


I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.


Related Posts with Thumbnails