Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Monday, December 27, 2010

How I Went Down the Toilet After Christmas

Tired much? 

Holy new Christmas slippers, am I tired.  How tired, you may ask?  Well, 38 year old me has morphed into 78 year old karen in a matter of hours.  Here is what I should have asked for, as far as presents are concerned:

1) WRINKLE CREAM:  something strong.  Something that eats away a whole layer of my face, and somehow magically leaves behind a shiny new layer of 20-something-year-old skin. 

2) a face lift:  Did I used to think plastic surgery was an extreme measure used to fight a natural process called "aging" which we women should simply embrace and not fear, even though Hollywood bombards us with daily images of the NEW and the TAUT and the HAWT?  Yeah, that was all fine and good until I started growing jowls.  Merry Christmas karen, you baggy old bag, you. 

3) whatever that stuff is that they inject into deep, deep lines:  What is that stuff?  Botox?  Restylane? 
* let me tell you a little story:  several years ago for Hallowe'en, I was a marionette doll.  I had a frilly pink dress, and I drew wrist, and elbow joints on myself, and drew lines down either side of my chin to make it look like I was a dummy (har har!)--you know; kind of a nutcracker doll effect?  Well guess what, now I just have those deep vertical lines down my chin.  At all times.  My Mom once laughed when I told her this and said there is an actual plastic surgery world term for this.  Oh wait...I just found it:  "marionette lines":


One of the hallmarks of aging around the mouth area is the development of marionettes lines. Also known as melomental folds, this groove or fold (some call it a rhytid or wrinkle but this is not an accurate term) is the transition of the more fixed chin tissues against which the more loose skin from the side of the face (jowls) falls over. While a facelift can significantly soften this fold by pulling back the overhanging skin, the most common method of treatment is non-surgical filler injection.Yeah.  Chicks LOVE that. 

So, how did this all happen?

* Well, Christmas is an insanely busy time.  I hosted dinner for 11 (including myself), and while I didn't make everything--which helped A LOT--I was busy for many days. 

* I didn't eat properly, and when I did eat, I seemed to only eat the following:

a) Christmas cake

b) fancy cheese (Applewood smoked cheddar, yo!)

Vegetables??  Fruit?!?  Surely you jest.  Oh the shame.

* I didn't drink enough liquid.  Water?!?  What's that?  I'd have a coffee at the beginning of the day, and sadly, that would be about it. 

But wait!  I invented my own cocktail over the Christmas holidays.  It was yummy.  Yummy-nummy in fact.  I figured the best way to get through the holidays is through cocktails!  Just wait till I unveil it to you.  You people are going to thank me. 

* I got even crappier sleep than usual, and if you all know me, you know how much I complain about/mourn/lament how little sleep I get (you can read some whining HERE and HERE, or in virtually every other post I've written) .  And what poor quality it is.  Well, it's been worse.  The Man has been a coughing factory for DAYS.  He caught the family bug, and well, he's a big man, and everything he does is bigger.  If he sneezes--huge (will actually make you angry from the sheer obnoxiousness of volume).  If he snores--forget about it.  If he coughs--the whole house knows. 

And so, on Christmas day, I hardly ate anything all day.  And then I ate all that yummy, lardy, buttery, whipped creamy food.  Then dinner was done, and I was sad, so I had my own signature cocktail.  And then I had it again.  And again.  And...well, nevermind. 

Then I woke up the next day and drove to suburban hell to have more Christmas with The Man's family.  Lots of dishes of chocolates around their house.  Deep fried shrimp hors d'oeuvres.  Rye.  Cola.  Another turkey dinner.

And VOILA! That cute karen who was wearing the fabbo electric blue satin shirt gets replaced by GRANDMAW JOWLS INNA SWEATER. Someone put the coffee on. Me too tired.

 Ah, the magical beauty of the holidays! 
 Look at that BRICK OF GOODNESS!  However, Christmas cake is NOT a good substitute for lunch.  While it is tasty, and probably offers up some iron, thanks to all those raisins, figs and dates, it also offers up one very special gift:  HEARTBURN
 Ah yeah--check out that bad boy.  I present to you:  "The Crusty Wife" (copywrite 2010 by me, karen Somethingorother):

* 2 parts amaretto liqueur
* splash of rye whisky (No "E" in Canadian "Whisky."  I knows how to spell)
* ice
 Look, I even took another, more artsy picture, just cuz it's so pretty

Hey there--who's looking SEXAY???  Is that electric blue SATIN you're wearing??  Why, yes, it is.  You likee?  (girls, whenever you get dressed up, always get your camera and snap a picture of yourself.  No, Don't be Ashamed or embarrassed to do it.  You'll be thankful for that picture when all those camera-happy idiots snap those sob-worthy pictures of you eating a cocktail weiner, before you even get a chance to brush the crumbs off your T*TS)

Oh my god.  Who is that old woman, and what has she done with karen???  And...why is she wearing karen's sweater, and drinking out of karen's mug? 



  1. i can totally relate! i've been gagging over the bags under my eyes lately that i'm pretty sure are christmas induced. and i also shameless take my own picture on those ocassions when i have hair & makeup freshly fixed cuz i just hate when the only pictures of me show crumbles on my tits & a bit of smeared lipstick around the mouth.
    now go get some sleep if you can!

  2. lol what a fab post!
    Those jowls I hate to say are called Corfield jowls and yes I have them too and yes I am going to do something about it! Diane does and so did Aunt Pat and don't forget Grandma had a facelift at 64 way back when!! I hate these jowls!

    I love the drink you made I could have used 10 of them after my mother in law's manic outbreak that ruined Christmas dinner...god I am really hating family!
    You look positively wonderful in that photo Karen!!! Blue is you!

  3. Sherilin, you've cheered me up immensely. I'm glad you take glamour shots of yourself when you can too.

  4. Thanks Pam--re; looking good in that ONE photo. It's a must to take pictures like that. Ah yes, what is more wonderful or more annoying/tiring than family? There's nothing quite like it is there.

    Oh yeah--give me a few years and I'll be the spitting image of Nanny. I totally take after my dad, and who does he take after--his mother. Wait till my ankles disappear. They're on their way out as it is.
    That's so funny that you mention how many women in our family have inherited them!

  5. oh my God karen you had me laughing so hard while reading your post.. I am still trying to write whilst laughing.

    Jowls? I hate that word...when the kids start telling me I have a turkey neck then I am in trouble, just shoot me and serve me for christmas dinner.

    You know what Ive been eating? applewood smoked cheese AND spinach dip on crackers...for days now...I quite cooking and everyone is on their own.oh , and turtles of course.

  6. You are hilarious!

    Aww, everyone is tired this time of year. Right?
    Double it up with all the sugar we eat in the form of Christmas delights...well, that sends us up to the moon, and then drops us hard on our asses...Then add a cocktail, and sure, whack, we land on the cement like a broken egg...and wonder "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HERE?"...

    and I look in the mirror and this 51 year old woman looks like 101, like my great grandmother. (not just my Grandmother)

    Sleep and some healthy food are my plans for today.

    You are beautiful!


  7. oh dear , i feel your pain! i have a horizontal line between my eyes that makes me look like mr. t. i would so like to botox that baby! then while i'm there a mummytummy tuck would be nice. i too have been eating and sleeping too much and too little, and i found an evil-y yummy new calorie laden treat,lindor with peanut butter inside!! have a lindor or six,and a nap, after all, it's almost diet season!

  8. Berries, nobody bought me any freaking turtles, or I'd have added that to my list. Damn, once you start snacking on that fancy cheese, it's like CRACK and you NEED it on a daily basis. Glad I could give you a laugh. Luckily my neck is too fat thus far to be a turkey neck.

  9. Lisa, thanks for stopping in. I love the egg on pavement analogy so much, it's going to keep me warm and snuggly for days.

    My great grandmother was not a blood relation, but bore a striking resemblance to John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister. Google it--hair and all. So, I won't ever look like her. Damn that was long winded, yes? Still, I feel your pain, but you still look fab.

  10. A Lindor or 6! Oh Paula, you're awesome.
    I'll see your horizontal between-the-eyes-line and raise you a vertical. I've got a brutal scowl line between my eyes. It's no surprise really, if you have an angry expression almost constantly.

  11. My laughter over this post is beyond words! I'll have to order "The Crusty Wife" if I make it to Angel Inn this season, no matter WHAT kind of strange looks I get! All I can add from my experience is that I got a head start on 'disaster diet plan' long before Chistmas even arrived, thanks to a pre-Christmas trip. The scale nearly screamed as I stepped on it after the trip (or was it a whimper -and was it my whimper?). So on the 22nd I rejoined our local gym, after a nearly year-and-a-half absence. It's already done a lot for my sleep, stress, and sanity over these strange 12 days of Christmas... Glad I didn't wait until that period of lame new year's resolutions. Otherwise Matt wouldn't have even fit into any new Christmas clothes, instead dieing of embarassment. Anyway, for what it's worth, I didn't think the 'morning after pic was that bad. You need to try harder if you want to impress us with how terrible you can look!

  12. I didn't eat the healthiest, either.

    Cheer up, Girlfriend!

  13. Oh Matt, I thought my "morning after" pic was so hideous, but then I decided, I HAVE TO DO IT FOR MY BLOG, and posted it anyway. Aim said it wasn't so bad either, but then, she's my sister. Yeah--if you order The Crusty Wife at a bar, I'll be delighted.

    I do not diet any longer. I won't elaborate, because I think it can be a whole post.

  14. I'm getting better, Blasé, but it comes with the territory of being a curmudgeon. Curmudgeon, dammit!


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