Okay, so Christmas music has been playing on the radio since approximately one second after Hallowe'en ended. At first it was kinda exciting, right? Ooo, Christmas songs! Hooray! Oh look--I think I just saw a snow flake! You sang along with some, and you drove around in rush-hour traffic listening to others. And then, it began to dawn on you: a lot of Christmas music is actually bad. Some of it is really bad, and some of it makes you want to leap out of your car and run screaming down the middle of the road, holding your head because your ears are BLEEEEDING!!!!!
It goes without saying that every year, there will be a whole sack full of recycled horror. Some idiot is always going to try their hand at "The Christmas Song," and another moron is going to think they'll make "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" their own. Some of these new versions will be so bad, you may actually throw up as you're listening to them. Oh wait, perhaps this is just me we're talking about. Perhaps you love Christmas music so much that you could listen to it 24/7 and not lose your mind. Congratulations.
That is NOT me.
13) Suzy Snowflake sung by Rosemary Clooney
Yeah, I feel it too: like a little piece of me has died just by listening to this. I happen to have this version on a cd, and both my kids love it. More's the pity.
12) Most Wonderful Time of The Year sung by Johnny Mathis
Mr. Mathis is probably a lovely man. His singing style makes me want to yak. Urrrgh! That AFFECTED SINGING STYLE! I can't take it! I almost don't even want to continue with the list.
11) Christmas in Hollis by Run-DMC
I have nothing against Run-DMC. I can groove endlessly to "It's Tricky." However, this tedious song somehow drags all the Chritmas spirit right out of me. Yeah, just listen to "It's Tricky" instead. Still dope.
10) Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town by Bruce Springsteen
Me no likee. I can imagine this song being played at some horrible party, and I already have a headache from too much wine. And then Springsteen starts shouting.
9) Twelve Days of Christmas by ANYONE
I have decided that this is the longest, stupidest, most tedious Christmas song ever. A partridge in a pear tree? Seriously? Does this even mean ANYTHING TO ANYONE? Fun to sing when I was 8, but now as an adult, half an hour later, I just never want to hear this song again.
8) All I Want For Christmas (is my 2 front teeth)
I'm not sure who is singing this version, but I actually had it, when I was a kid, on a record called "Dumb Ditties," that had other fun hits like "Little Arrows," and "Jolly Green Giant." I dare you to listen to the "kid" whistling between the empty space where his front teeth should be. Then go pound something until the anger goes away.
7) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus sung by John Mellencamp
Oh look--it's a horrible song made even more horrible by John Mellencamp--I mean Cougar--I mean Cougar Mellencamp...or whatever. OMG I hate this song. It's saturated with sticky-sweet cutesiness. Oh, silly kiddies--Mommy's actually kissing Daddy, who happens to be wearing a Santa suit! Tee hee! Isn't it PRECIOUS? No, it's not. When I was a kid, I thought "Mommy" was smooching Santa, and why the hell would Daddy have a laugh over it if he happened to see them? Blech.
6) The Christmas Song sung by Mel Tormé
I can't say as I've ever been much of a Mel Torme fan. His version of the song makes me nearly keel over from the super, super mellow (aka DULL) drawing out of this song, which in my opinion, should only be played on the radio, or included on any cd if the incomparable Nat King Cole is singing it.
5) Merry Christms Darling by The Carpenters
Okay, for some reason I feel like a douche for even putting the Carpenters on the list, since every time I think of that poor Karen Carpenter wasting away and eventually succumbing to anorexia, it's just plain tragic. THAT BEING SAID, I have always found their music sooooo sickening--like super thick syrup rolling endlessly down the back of my throat. Actually, you can choose ANY Christmas song the Carpenters sang and plunk it in this spot. It makes no difference to me.
4) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer by Dr. Elmo
NO--seriously, you HAVE to check this out because they appear to have remixed the song and made it EVEN MORE ANNOYING!!! I know--you didn't think it was possible either!
3) Please Come Home for Christmas by Bon Jovi
Yeah, like the GREATEST OFFENDER of the music world wouldn't be on my list. As if. Come on--someone has to slow dance with me to this with a finger stuck in their beer bottle, which they're holding behind my neck.
2) Deck The Halls by Mannheim Steamroller
You know that stupid synthesizer Christmas song you hear every year on the radio, which instantly makes you angry and think "this is the stupidest, gayest, most retarded Christmas song ever! I hate this song!!!!" but you never knew who created it? Well, you're in for a treat, because this is it!!!
1) Santa Baby by Madonna
I hate this song so much, that I'm disappointed that there isn't a word that quite conveys just how much I loathe, despise, abhor it. That voice, that cutesy-poo, horrible, idiotic voice! ARGLGLURGBLOOPBLOOPHEHHEHHEH!!!!
I JUST CHOKED ON MY OWN TONGUE FOR A MOMENT THERE!!!
Yuck. That's enough. I have to go take a shower now, and wash off the filthy feel of these horrid songs.