Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Okay, time to employ the "kitty" rule again...ha, this kitty rule is the best thing ever!  I think I've twisted the original "rules" though to a certain extent.  I think the original directive was to post a warm, fuzzy kitten picture RIGHT before you talk about something that is very un-warm-fuzzy-kittenish, or before you post a picture that's just plain gross.  Let's see if I can find one in my blog pic vault here....

(image source: )

Seriously--is there something wrong with me??? Does anyone else just LURV ridiculous pictures of cats with zany human-like sentiments and affectations attached to them?  Angry cat at a drive thru...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

But we're not going to talk about kitties.


Girls, do you remember your hoots when you first had them?  They were so embarrassing.  Did your grandmother ever make you a nice, thick, hand-knitted sweater, and the first time you wore it, a boy in your class said; "hi so-and-so, nice tits," and you were so mortified you never wore the sweater again?  And did your Mom just not get it, and keep asking why you never wore that nice sweater that Grandma made?  Was that memory burned into your brain, so that now, even as a bagged-out growed up woman, you still run into that guy from your elementary school, and you feel like TELLING him that story, but you can't because ultimately it means discussing BREASTS???  And we all know that breasts are good, yet baaad, and good because they're baaaad, but they should really just be good, because their one and only purpose is to nourish the tiny new people of the world?


Before I started grade 6, we were informed that in the new school year, we would have to start changing for gym class.  My stomach dropped.  I felt cold, clammy and sick all at once.  I came from a ridiculously modest family (maybe no more so than many other families), and there was no way that I was going to pull my shirt off in the change room and reveal my fairly new chesties.  Oh the unbelievable horror.  There was no choice:  I would HAVE to get a bra.  That took a lot to rustle up the nerve to ask my Mom--let me tell you.  She was a super private person about all things female.  Somehow though I managed to squeek it out:

"Mom, I need a bra."

So, we went for THE most uncomfortable shopping trip ever.  Mom picked one that looked cute, and I went in the change room to try it on.  I was so horrified by the whole experience, I simply assured her it fit fine, just so I could get the hell out of there.

That thing was stiff and itchy.  I remember running around at soccer practice in the summer, being slowly chafed to death by it's horrid, unsympathetic stiff nylon-y-ness.  "Maybe I can just not wear it today???"  I asked/pleaded with my Mom."

"No.  You have to get USED to it."

And so began years of bras:  terrible bras with maxed-out elastic, straps that slid off your shoulders simply by breathing, itchy lace, bumpy lace that looked terrible under a sweater, bras that squeezed more boob fat into your armpits, than up front, bras that had just the right shaped cups, but the band was so tight you could hardly breathe, so you cut out the clasps from another older crappier bra, and sewed them onto the band of this bra, creating your own masterful extension.

There were bras that turned your boobs into the shape of ice cream cones, balconette bras that give you marvellous push-up action, but your jugs would fall out every time you reached down to pick something up, bras with little pockets in the front that held little half moon packets of "water" so as to appear more well-endowed, but all they really made you appear was bulky and lumpy, bras that felt great in the change room, but turned into a sliding knife of pain after wearing them for half an hour. 

Oh, and you also bought bras that were a really cool colour, like super hot pink, but you could never wear that under pale clothing.  You bought that one strapless bra for those awkward but sexy shirts you wanted to wear out to the club.  You  had to keep pulling it up constantly though.  At first you tried to do this when nobody was looking, but after a while you didn't give a crap, and just yanked it up whenever.  This bra also did a better job at giving you ample armpits than anything else, and when you finally, mercifully took it off, you had a red ring around your torso that would still be there when you woke up in the morning. 

Oh, and don't forget those sport bras you bought, that had you welded in as snugly as a criminal in an iron maiden.  There was also the 'racerback bra', which you bought because you had one stupid (but really cute!) shirt in your drawer, that had an awkward shoulder-revealing shape. 

You had a whole drawer full of bras:  functional, beige, white, black, strapless, sexy, lacy, frilly, blue, hot pink, but you still only wore that ONE AND ONLY BRA THAT WAS COMFORTABLE and had just the right shape, day in, day out. 

Girls, do you remember when you were in yout late teens/early twenties, and your zooms were WAY up high on your chest?  Yeah, those were good times.

And then, one day you got married, or not, and became pregnant.  Those breasts were no longer your friend.  They HURT.  They hurt if the seat belt rested across them.  They hurt if someone bumped into them.  They screamed if you weren't really careful putting on your shirt. 

At last the baby came.  Aw, the magic and terror of being responsible for a brand new person.  You were going to do the right thing: you were going to BREAST FEED YOUR BABY (breast is best, yo).  At first it was a little scary, but maybe not too difficult.  You felt like you were really doing it, but what you didn't realise was that your milk had not yet come in.  And then, two days later, it came in.  You noticed this at the first light of day. 


OMG, your gazongas are now ROCK HARD, and standing straight up.'s kind of fascinating, but more than a little disconcerting.  Okay!  Time to feed that hungry baby!  Oh, but wait...that's funny...your nipple has disappeared.  The baby is mashing his little face around on you in a frenzy, as though he's trying desperately to find a nipple on a great big, completely smooth balloon.  So, you've read all your handbooks.  You simply hand that baby over to your husband for a moment, or lay him down safely beside you, and you apply a warm, wet compress to your ENORMOUS boob.  There!  You have a bing-bong again!  Quick!  Get the baby!  You get the baby back into position on your nice, new c-shaped pillow, AND---oh no, it's disappeared again.  So, you do what all new moms do:  you panic.  The kid is not very happy either, and he begins to scream, which is not helpful at all.  You're frantically squeezing milk out into a washcloth as your baby shrieks beside you, and your husband dances around with wide eyes wanting to help, but not knowing what to do. 

Finally you mange to get something for that baby to latch onto.  You're sweaty from head to toe, and your teeth are nearly chattering from the stress.  The little baby is pretty happy though, but he holds one arm out, with a fist, like he's ready to punch you right in the neck if you give him a hard time again.

A few days later, you have a problem.  Not with the feeding thing--you've been doing fairly well on that.  You've had your husband pull baby's little chin down while he's eating, just so he can get the best "latch" possible.  You notice that his mouth forms the perfect, textbook shape of the feeding baby.  Yeah, you are awesome!  However, your nipples are killing you.  First they are extremely sore, and swollen.  Then they start to crack.  Then, if you're really lucky, they might even bleed a little. 

So, you walk around the house, with your jelly bag, postnatal stomach, and a nursing bra on with the flaps hanging open, because you've only got an hour until the little *!$# eats again, and that stupid book you have tells you that air will help heal your nips.  No wait, they're not nipples any longer--they're NOPPLES now.  So, you've got your nops hanging out, and they don't feel any better, but through the baby monitor you begin to hear that sound...that sound of the sleeping baby moving around. Stirring.  Getting ready for his little internal food clock to ding.  You want to cry, because your nops hurt so FREAKING MUCH, but you're wearing the MOM PANTS now, and you've got a job to do, so you get that tube of gunk out, spread some on your nops, hoping it'll make a sort of barrier between you and that great suction of pain, and head off to prepare the feeding area. 

OH, but all those stupid books, pamphlets, and even that lactation lady, all told you that "if it hurts, you're doing it wrong.  Breastfeeding should not hurt." 


That is the stupidest thing that all new mothers all told. 

Think about it:  if you have a human sucker fish attached to your boob, every couple of hours right from the time he's born, and he's ruthlessly dragging milk out of a nipple, IT IS GOING TO HURT.  I don't care what anybody says.  Your poor nopples have ever been mistreated like this before.  Period. 

Isn't it fun that you can shoot milk at your husband from six feet away, and hit him right in the unsuspecting side of the head?  Yeah, that is AWESOME. 

What's not awesome is sleeping with a bra on, with breast pads in, and if you don't, waking up for feeding time having soaked your shirt, and all the bedding on your side.  However, you're so tired, you climb right back into that puddle at 5 AM and go back to sleep for another couple of hours.   

These days of nursing don't last forever though.  Eventually you decide the time has come to stop breastfeeding your baby.  You know this, the baby knows this--he's thrilled to be able to hold his own bottle/sippy cup of whole milk.  In fact, he likes that better than you, which sucks a bit, but so be it.  So, everything's moving along, but your body still thinks it's supposed to be making the milk.  Even if there's no little person there to drink it.  Oh the pain of your rock hard boobs.  No problem--you just have to walk around with cabbage leaves in your bra for a few days, and you'll feel much better.  There, almost back to normal. 

And so you're left with breasts that kind of remind you of your old breasts, but it's like somewhere along the way, someone swapped your young, high-on-the-chest bazoomies for a worn out second-hand pair.  Well, they certainly have more lines on them than before. 

Then comes that strange day when you finally decide to deal with your fancy bra drawer.  You have a whole stack of B cups that now have to be thrown away. It's like each lacy, frivolous bra is a moment in time from a younger, slimmer, more care-free you.   In its place are the biggest-of-the-C-cup bras you've replaced them with.  Sigh.  That's okay, you go ahead and have that pity party for a moment or 20.

So now you're a Mom with kids, and you would appreciate your jump in cup size, but your larger mams are now overshadowed by a) that brand new protuberant stomach (that never went away), and b) copious amounts of BACK FAT.

But still, aren't you lucky that you have them?  Your hooters, not the back rolls.  Aren't you proud of the way they nourished your children?  Doesn't it make you think of a woman who has lost one or both breasts to cancer?  Aw, baggy and saggy as they may seem to you now, give your boobies a hug.  They're still awesome.


  1. Karen
    NOPS! Ha ha ha.

    rock hard balloons.
    Before my first was born my mother in law told me how I would have to sleep with a bra on and wrap a towel around my boobs and when I awoke I would be soaking wet with milk.


    I was not going to have any of that nonsense happen to me SHE was crazy.

    Everything was exactly as she said.
    Everything was exactly as you said.

    Although, I never experienced bleeding or cracked nops.

    I did experience mastitis regularly, and a bought that turned to that dreaded abscess called Staff.

    Within 6 hrs, I was hospitalized in critical condition.

    Nearly septic.

    Husband out of town working.

    Eventually I got downgraded and put on the boob ward.

    Right with all the women who had their boobs removed.

    God I thought mine were coming off.

    They eventually moved me to my own room and the nurses got to play nursemaids to my 4 mo. old who had also been admitted.

    So for a week, greeny yellow oooozed from the boob.

    The nurses got to play, feed, and change baby while the machine sucked out the poison, and baby chowed down on the huge mass on the other side.

    They don't tell teen agers that either!

  2. hahah this is sooo funny you kill me Karen!!!
    First of all we didn't change for gym class till I went to PE and I was mortified. I changed in the toliet stall! I never needed a bra till I was forty!! I wanted one my mother refused to buy me one. Can you imagine that? Yes it took nerve to ask her and she said no. My aunt gave me my cousins old bras so that is what i had for high school ...sucked! I so wanted the pretty bras but they never fit lol !

    Breastfeeding I tried for 4months. I did not enjoy it. I never wanted to do it in the first place but waa basically beaten into it by everyone. Thank god i was the hospital for a week so the nurses could help me. After 4months i had enough and hubby was happy because he wanted to feed Sam too. So it worked so much better. There is way too much guilt put on mom's about breast feeding. Which totally ruined my tiny breasts so much so they had to be fixed! I laugh when i hear them say how your breasts will go back to normal! Mine looked like I nursed 10 kids!!

  3. I remember going bra shopping with my mom and I said I needed a AAA0 because there was nothing but I was told I had to have a bra. My mom over heard and elderly lady ask a sales lady for the same size. Mom and I had a huge laugh over that one.
    Breast feeding, I tried with all three, was semi sucessful. My third try was a bomb. It is hard, it does hurt and it is NOT for everyone.

  4. hehe. I remember when I was developing and one boob was coming in and the other was NOT... and I felt like a majour freak and I FREAKED out about it.. silently. I didn't dare bring that subject up with Mom. So I wandered around for gawd knows how long with one boob, totally convinced that that was it.. One boob. Luckily, the other came along in due time. Was the lazy one I guess.

    Geeeesh Karen. What's next? The va-jay-jay!? hehe

  5. that was fantastic! my boobs are a big part of my life since they're freakin huge, but i wouldn't want to be a member of the itty bitty tittie committee either. but in the summer, sometimes they smell like bread... tmi?
    my wee nurser would only eat adequately on the right boob, so the left was neglected & shrunk. but still, we stuck it out for 11 months. i do NOT miss the days of squirting boobs at all!

  6. Oh my GOD Melissa! That sure as hell isn't in the nice book of motherhood with the serene, joy-filled woman on the cover! I totally forgot about the fear of mastitis! Would anyone buy a true-accounts-of-motherhood book? Hmm...perhaps not.

    I didn't experience bleeding nops either, but a girlfriend of mine did! Scared her away from breastfeeding altogether.

  7. Pam, you're actually talking to an insanely zealous supporter of breast feeding, har har, and I completely think that more pressure and more emphasis should be put on mothers to do it for as long as they can. Even four months is way, way better than no time at all. Be proud of yourself for that, because it ISN'T necessarily easy, but you tried!

    Okay, I'll get off my soap box now, hee hee...

    anyhow, so you had some bra-buying trauma too, but in a different kind of way! My first bra was HORRIBLY uncomfortable!

    And yes...breast feeding does change boobs.

  8. you know what Alaina--I think the bras for young ladies now look WAY more comfortable, and easier to find one even if there's "nothing there!"

    Funny about the elderly lady though!

  9. Geez Aim, why have I NEVER heard this story?!? Now we have to talk about it, because I can NOT imagine walking around with only one new boob. Oh man...I just laughed out loud at your pain, and I'm so sorry.

    I'd like to make a motion to call it the "Va-gee-gee" instead. Call me picky, but it's not spelled 'vajina'.

  10. Sherilin, YES!!! My least-preferred boob (by Ella) is smaller too! Mystery solved!

    Oh man, that is so, so, so funny about the bread thing. One of my wire-less bras that I still wear when I'm desperate was worn when I was nursing, and sometimes leaked on. No matter how many times I"ve washed that thing, and even bleached it, if it gets sweaty it still has this yeasty, bready, sweet smell. I call it my 'sugar tits' bra.

  11. OH WIMMENS! You're all so funny! I wish we could all have a group hug right now!

  12. your sugar tits bra! ha! i like to call it my bread factory & it never smelled yeasty til i got into the DD range.

  13. just call it 'sugar tits,' then it will make them sound sweaty in a SEXY way.

  14. As for breast feeding... I'm on the fence. Well! I completely agree that it's the best (so goes the saying)... I have little issue breast feeding my oldest until she was almost a year. In fact, it was borderline pleasant... It was a completely different story with my youngest. It was AWFUL (and I'm NOT being overly dramatic)... I had the panic sweats every time. It's almost like she hated it.. or wasn't getting enough.. She and I suffered for almost three months and I said, "That's it!!!!" She went on formula... and she became a whole new baby. Happier, more content... PHEW.

    So, *shrug* It's a toughie..

    But I am still pro breast feeding... but sometimes circumstances (emotional or physical) stand in the way... I was almost terrorized the second time around. Yowzers!

  15. BTW, Pink Satin Sashes.. what a scary story! I'm glad it ended well!

  16. Mine grew so much with my first child that I couldn't find a bra large enough. I had the distiction of saying that my belly never stuck out further than my boobs.

    The rock hard balloons (watermelons?) caused me more pain than childbirth. Two weeks of breastfeeding and constant head/neck aches and I was done. I have a disturbing memory of trying to take a shower and screaming from the pain of the weight. How embarassing it was to have to call my husband to come hold them up so I could shower without crying. They sure don't put that in the new mom books.

  17. Okay Aim--I agree, that some babies are nearly impossible just to get them to take the time to feed. I do stand firm on this though: when a baby is BORN, the first thing that should enter his/her system is breast milk, unless it's just not possible. I think all new mothers should breast feed their babies from birth for as long as they're able.

    Pam did 4 months which is fantastic. Around that time, a baby starts to eat solid food anyway, so I don't see the harm in formula THEN. I have no sympathy for women who say "it didn't feel right," or "I was embarrassed," or "I just didn't feel comfortable doing it" or women who don't even consider breast feeding nowadays. It's no longer the time when we were babies, and it was inappropriate to breast feed one's baby. I would probably advocate at least three months if possible.

  18. Now Lisa, that's a whole other issue entirely! Still, you tried, and at least that is the first food your baby got. Geez though...imagine the discomfort!

  19. i have the opposite,my mom told me 'you need a bra', and i was not happy! considering i was 10, and in the 5th grade, i got made fun of alot, boys would snap it and yell'WONDERFUL WONDER BRA'! i went from 0 to B CUP,it seemed, by the time 8th grade rolled around and other girls were getting their first bras and their period,i already had them for 3 years! as for nursing the worst was those little 'coasters' that you put in your bra to suck up the extra milk,they looked so stupid under t-shirts. i'll also get on my soap box about nursing, bottom line is, do it if you want to, if its not for you, don't! your baby will be fine and so will you! i breast fed my first,but not my second ,and it was a great decision,we were able to leave the kids for more than a few hours at a time,and matt was able to do some feedings so i could get more sleep. plus kieran slept 10 hrs by 8 weeks,booya!so don't let anyone pressure you either way,you have enough to deal with being a new mom!i am getting down from my soapbox now,to go change a dirty diaper,the joys!

  20. Can I get on my soapbox and say that the maternity leave in the USA does not help promote breastfeeding at all. If you're lucky enough to work for a larger company you can get 6 (SIX!) paid weeks for childbirth. 8 if you had a c-section. I barely remembered my name at 6 weeks postpartum. And then try to find a place to pump at work, I'd have had to hang out by the sinks in the bathroom where the electrical outlet is.

    Tennessee is slightly better and allows 16 weeks UNPAID. I was able to get 10 weeks with my oldest and 18 weeks with my second child. I saved up vacation weeks for years and it was mostly paid.

  21. Paula! I like you getting on your soap box! Yes, you touched on many valid points, such as the freedom that formula allows--and it is a HUGE ONE. I still stand firm though on at least letting that new baby get COLOSTRUM. But I won't get back on my box, cuz I'm tired, and you scare peeps away when you bark at them too much :)

    Anyhow, good story about your first bra. The boys sure were interested in those early bra wearing girls, weren't they. Sigh.

  22. Lisa, that is an excellent point! I had forgotten how scandalously little maternity leave a new mom in the U.S. gets. 6 weeks. Doesn't every new mother still feel like walking, dozy hell at 6 weeks??? Geez, I think it took 6 weeks for the shock of suddenly being a MOM to wear off!

    If you, and other moms had to turn your 6 week old baby over to a "nanny", it must have been very hard--harder than a 1 year old baby? Hard to say...

  23. and in case any of y'all were wondering, I wasn't one of those lucky, earthy type moms who could easily hold a baby in one arm and breast feed, and feed them anywhere. Nor was I the mom who found it super easy. Jack was TERRIFYING. He screeched at me all the time, and if the milk didn't let-down quickly enough, that purple-faced demon would LOSE HIS MIND. Actually, for a few months, he'd be screaming and freaking out at the start of nearly every session, because the milk wouldn't always come quickly enough. I'd be flipping him desperately from one boob to the next. Damn--I could get jittery just thinking about it!

  24. "creating your own masterful extension"? lol I was going to say something juvenille about boys that age doing the same thing to their underwear (or would it be 'gitch'?), but I realized I was being swept away by all the euphemisms, so I will refrain.

  25. Now I think I have to wash my eyes after reading the term, 'sugar tits'. WAY too much female honesty on this blog - I feel I need a testosterone injection or something after all the comments.

    Beam...I would NOT recommend breastfeeding on the fence.

    Paula...'SOME feedings' at night? 'SOME'??? Hmm.

  26. Lol :-)
    made me remember when Sarah was sitting on the floor looking up at me and said - your boobies are looking at me. Yep - they now point downwards but are still fabulous!

  27. Matt... LOL

    And yet you see a blog entitled BOOBIES and HERE you are... well imagine that! LOL ;)


  28. Matt, you're too funny--glad you liked my masterful extension for bras. Didn't anyone else ever do this??? Not that you'd know, Matt.

    Yeah, I sympathised with you for the past two posts because they were extremely MOMMY-CENTRIC. Oh well, you have the pleasure of simply laughing at us.

  29. Oh Michelle, kids say the loveliest, most BRUTALLY honest things, don't they?

    Good old boobs. Good thing for bras, that's for sure.

  30. This is so funny! I am glad you are telling the truth about breast feeding! I am trying to get pregnant for the first time so it was hard to read but having too older sisters i have heard all the horror stories, especially the pain, cracking and bleeding. I also have HUGE bodacious ta-tas and yes, Sherilin they stink like bread? or maybe something else, I don't know but when they are as huge as my double Ds there is going to be a lot of sweating going on! I am also scared I am going to have to wear some kind of F or G size bra in the next year, are those actual sizes? UGH! Help!

  31. F or G sized bra, eh? know, I can't think of many men who wouldn't read that statement and think; 'so? what's wrong with that???' Har har...Oh, but who knows.

    I tell it like it is, because I too was duped by all those stupid pre to post natal books.

  32. Holy crackers people! So much talk over 'The Twins'. I had a great time breastfeeding. I could bake a damn cake with the Kid latched on if I wanted to! I stopped when she became disinterested. Then the boobs went through the phases of change, my least favourite being the 'billiard ball in a tube sock' phase. However now that I have gained weight again I wear two bras all the time because one is just not enough! And the breast tenderness due to weight I experience daily. It's especially bad at 'that time' of the month.

  33. jdracecar F and G are sizes in fact up to J can be bought fairly easily on the 'net. I thank my first child for that knowledge. After J cup becomes an issue.

  34. Ahhh, boobs...arent they great?
    hmmm...not so sure!
    I was 9, yes 9, when my mother came upstairs into my bedroom (yes she knocked first) adn said " come with me"
    i followed...her in the bathroom.
    "take off your shirt"
    YIkes! but okay...doing as mom asked
    "raise your arms"
    "okay, we need to shave your are getting hair under your arms and your dance recital is coming up...youi cant have hair under arms" she plainly said as she started hacking off my underarm fuzzies!
    When she was done that, she pulls out this sports bra from a bag and said "youi will need this as well....welcome to being a woman!"
    Crying now "but i am only nine!!"
    "get used to it" was her comforting response. Please keep in mind, I am her second daughter, i am sure she wasnt this direct with my sister. Props to her giving me a sports bra adn not a "real bra" rigth off the bat.ugh.
    the following month I got my real welcome in womanhood...but thats a completely different topic!
    As for breastfeeding...I breast fed both of kids until they were 18months. We were champs at it and right from the get go. I can honestly was second nature for me, my son adn my daughter. No issues...well aside from teh waking up in the middle night soaked in breastmilk (yikes) There were times, when I was just done with it, sick adn tired of having wet boobs all the time...but i stuck it out like a trooper..i too agree, breast is best. That should be the first "food" babies get...but each to their own. Its not for everyone and i remember a few times asking this really what i want to be doing?? but as mentioned, i was a natural at it...i could do anywhere, anytime...i was very lucky that way.
    Now that my boobs are done with their job...i want my 19 year old boobs back...they are all beat up and tired.

  35. billiard ball in a tube sock. Oh B, I'm sure it's not that bad. Yeah, you were super good at breast feeding. I remember you having baby lying down on that crazy pillow in front of you, and you wouldn't even have to hold her.

  36. Steph, you always have the best stories. "Get used to it!" Ah, the hard, cold gateway to womanhood. You got your period at 9?????? HOLY CRAP. I thought I was early at 11. Damn, that's a lot of years of dealing with all that lady luggage. I'm going to go eat half a bag of chocolate covered almonds on our behalf.

  37. my mom never sugarcoated it thats forsure! Yes, 9...still playing with was just aweful, but will save that wonderful storey for another blog comment:)
    please eat tons of chocolate for me, that will most certainly help ease the pain!


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