Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Coffee 101

Recently, while at a funeral luncheon for a girlfriend's dearly departed grandmother, I made the huge mistake of having one of the church ladies pour me a cup of coffee. 

"Oh my god..." I thought, "is it wrong to complain about the coffee at a funeral reception??"  Because, man--that coffee was BAD.  It was so undrinkably disgusting, I felt like making an announcement.  In the end, I had to abandon it. 

The funny thing was, a young guy there thought it "wasn't so bad."  I was stunned, but then, come to think of it, there's good reasoning for his flawed sense of coffee appreciation: 

It was weak.  Oh, was it weak--shudderingly weak.  I like to think of this beverage, that's misleadingly presented under the guise of "coffee," as "coffee-flavoured water." 

But it wasn't just that it was weak: it was as though it was made from sh*tty coffee to begin with, and only a little bit at that. 

First of all,


If you're going to drink it, drink it for crap's sake.  If you're afraid of the caffeine, buy decaf.  If you're still afraid that the decaf may yet contain traces of caffeine (as can be the case), drink tea instead (yes, tea has caffeine too.  You can go ahead and drink that herbal tea, which is, 9 times out of 10, horrid). 

Here Are Some Things You Should Know
1) if you invite me over for coffee, even though I say "yes," just know that I will be leery of your coffee until I try it. 

2) if you invite me over for coffee, and you have neither chemical whitener, nor cream, you need only pour me half a cup, because I'm going to fill the other half with milk. 

3) If you ask me if I'd like a coffee, and I say YES, but you actually only have INSTANT, you must offer that information as a DISCLAIMER right from the start. 


coffee ignoramus:  "Would you like a cup of coffee?"
- coffee lover:  "sure."

coffee ignoramus: "you should be aware that it's INSTANT."
- coffee lover:  "Oh, erm, no thanks then."
coffee ignoramus:  "what?!?" snicker, snicker, "you don't like decaf?  OMG, you're so picky.  Coffee's coffee.  I'M not picky like YOU--I'll drink anything."
- coffee lover:  "I believe it's safe to say this visit is over."

4) If, when you purchased your coffee, you got it in the 50 pound drum size, and it still only cost you $5, while you may be thinking it's a fantastic bargain, you are wrong.  What you have in your possession is a great big can of garbage. 

Here is another important scenario we can all learn from:

coffee ignoramus:  "would you like a coffee?"

- coffee lover:  "sure."
coffee ignoramus:  "I got this enormous can of FOLGERS yesterday.  It only cost me five bucks!  What a deal!"
- coffee lover:  "I believe it's safe to say this visit is over." 

I have learned my lesson the hard way.  ONCE, at my inlaws, when I was offerred a coffee, I made the mistake of saying "sure."  I was presented with a cup of INSTANT, whitened with 1 % milk. 

The gut rot was legendary

Yes, I am a coffee snob.  I'm not ashamed to admit it any longer.  I will not drink anything just because it is called "coffee."  I am leery of those big vending machines that say they contain coffee, but no human is ever in sight to check on the quality.  I'm always leery of those great big silver coffee carafes that are set up at various functions, with a basket of creamers and paper cups next to them.  I'm always leery of the coffee after dinner at weddings, and have recently given up trying it.  Blech.  When the flight attendant says "tea or coffee?" I will choose the former, and not the latter.  I'm not falling for THAT again. 

I have one freaking cup of coffee per day.  I cut the caffeine in half by mixing a can of decaf with a can of coarse grind.  One cup.  I want it to be good.  Is that really so much to ask???

How To Make a Good Cup of Coffee
* 2 heaping tablespoons of a good quality ground coffee to 1 mug of water (and not that piddly-a$$ tiny thing otherwise known as a TEA CUP). 

What--you thought I was going to be all tiresome, and long-winded, and tell you how to work your coffee maker?  No, that's your problem. 

And so I leave you with a small conversation I overheard at that funeral, related to that horrid, wishy-washy, insipid, weakest-brew-I've-ever-had coffee:

Elderly lady:  "I'll have another cup of coffee.  You know, this is my SECOND CUP! 
- Elderly church lady
:  "your second cup?!?"

Elderly lady:  "I'm probably not gonna sleep till tomorrow now!"
- Elderly church lady
:  "Yeah!!! You'll be WIRED!"


  1. I'm a coffee snob too! I have a snob (as Diane calls it) coffee mug as well.
    Folgers is horrid. We buy the good stuff and are machine cost a huge amount years back when i purchased it but it was worth it!! Hubby had heart failure over the price of the machine but after tasting the coffee it produced he stopped complaining!
    Oh and no milk it's 18% cream for me!
    I think you'd like the coffee at my house Karen!!

  2. i can't relate to your coffee snobbery (only because coffee doesn't like me), but my husband is a member of your club. you coffee people are all the same - always thinking you should be able to have an opinion about what you put into your mouth! lol.

  3. Pam, your description of coffee made me feel all far away and dreamy...damn, that does sound good. I almost can't wait for a new day! Blech...who am I kidding...

  4. Sherilin, you are too funny. "You coffee people.." made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yeah, I'm a jerk about coffee, and maybe you're right about having to comment on everything I put in my mouth! Growing up we always had very long, boring conversations about how the food tastes, how it was made, etc. I AM tedious! I'm so happy.

  5. LMFAO I probably won't sleep till tomorrow....I jumped on that grenade for you by drinking that horrible cup of coffee so you could have tea instead...that crappy coffee kept me going for the eight hours I was out at the pub! I <3 that you're a coffee snob!!

  6. I am one of THOSE coffee people too. I hate to say but I usually drink anywere from 3-5 cups, and not the dainty ones. Anyone who happens to drink my coffee if I have not forgotten to weaken it for my guests, says my coffee is too strong. That is because they are used to that weak crap. I am curious what kind of coffee you use Karen? I just use Maxwell house and make it strong. I do not have a fancy machine, no room on the counter and I have been known to use a coffee press in the afternoon. I would love to try a new coffee recommended by the coffee snob. Oh and I drink my coffee black so if you were invited to my home I make sure I have 1/2 and 1/2 or heavy cream, and I have the dry always in the cubbard. But if you were to just pop over, sorry but it is skim milk or dry creamer, I am the only one in the house who drinks it and like I said, I don't put anything in it.
    The best cup of coffee I ever had was in Canada at the Skylon Tower, I will always regret not asking what kind of coffee it was.

  7. Coffee mother used to drink instant.

    I had Folgers and MJB once and just gagged, I threw away the tins.

    I buy good flavoured coffee. I have to have cream in it 18% or more. My hubby and I have even bought whipping cream for our coffee....oh how yummy.

    Coffee and milk is horrid, coffee and skim milk is like poison.

    I do like Tim Hortons. I must admit.

    But if it was not for the cream i shan't like coffee at all.

    Hey do you like my british?
    I went to see The Kings Speech las night.

    My husband and I were the youngest in a packed theatre. Now that has not happened in a long time.

  8. B, I know--you really took one for the team by drinking that coffee. Either that, or you saved me from being a jerk and admitting to the kindly church ladies that I couldn't drink their crappy brew. Har har. That coffee kept you going?!? I'm sure there was only two teaspoons of coffee in that entire container of water. Blech!

  9. Alaina, for some time now I've been buying a can of Tim Horton's COARSE grind and mixing it with a can of Tim Horton's decaf. I also enjoy the combo of TH coarse grind with Maxwell house decaf. Maxwell house half-caf is also good, and Nabob's okay too, har har har. I like my coffee better at home than going out to Tim's (unlike every other FREAKING CANADIAN TIM HORTON'S ADDICT, LOL).

    My mom used to drink Nabob all the time, and she made a decent cup of coffee.

  10. I should also note that I had a good cup of coffee at Matt & Paula's one night too.

  11. Oh, and I have the same, basic, no frills coffee maker that I've had for 11 years now: the Hamilton Beach "Aroma Express." Aroma Express...honestly, that name kills me.

  12. yes, I did like your British, Berries. Har har. Ooo...whipping cream...I'm sure that IS good. I know about you and coffee had one of those dangerous love affairs. Do you still drink much?

  13. coming from you that is quite the compliment, matt makes the coffee 'cause i can't stand the stuff.{sorry} we get a fair trade coffee from africa, our friend phil,also a coffee snob,told matt about it.we also went to see the kings speech, every one else had canes and grey hair,i'm not kidding,but it was agreat movie...and a new version of jane eyre is coming out,can't beat that!

  14. I dig that coffee snobbery, Paula. Why don't I know what this "king's speech" thing is? I'd better google it.

    Anyhow, if they make a new version of Jane Eyre, they'd better cast a good Mr. Rochester. Sorry, but William Hurt was wrong, wrong, wrong.

  15. I had to laugh really hard at this one Karen...I too, was at the same funeral luncheon...adn I agree, the coffee was AWEFUL!! Its always aweful there are about 5 sweet little old ladies who make the coffee every week. The conversation that you over heard abotu the coffe keeping her up...hahah...does this happen when you get old? YOu love your weak coffee??I believe its no name brand coffee.
    I too, am a coffee snob.Only the good stuff for me! And it HAS to be strong!!

  16. NO NAME BRAND! Mon dieu. No wonder it was so horrible. No Name actually makes that whole "compliments" line seem good. It might even make "Equality" more appealing as well. Well, that solves that little riddle!

  17. Gosh, I hope now that the 'Fair Trade, 100% arabica, African Medium Roast, Fine Grind' coffee I served you was better than just something you choked down, then ran out afterward...come to think of it, I believe you squealed your tires leaving our driveway. I'm so very, very sorry. I'll find better coffee next time. I swear.

  18. Matt, all those details are almost porn for coffee lovers. Oh kindred coffee spirit, thank you for caring about coffee so much!


I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.


Related Posts with Thumbnails