Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Friday, January 7, 2011

POOP

I was told by one of my lovely fellow readers/sympathizers, that if I'm going to post anything shocking, I should put a picture of a kitty on my blog first.  That way, if I need to talk about something gross, or if I want to post a more shocking photo, nobody will be horrified and offended, because if my post shows up in their list, the kitty will be the happy icon that goes with it.  Heh Heh...

Okay, well enjoy this for a moment then:



Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle...that damn techno cat cracks me up every time...

But we're not talking about kitties. 


WARNING:  THIS POST IS ABOUT POOP.  FECES.  TURDS.  STOOLS.  LOGS.  CRAP.  KA KA.  Now don't get all squeamish on me; everyone poops.  Everyone. 
Since I became a Mom, poop has become one of the most important topics in my sad, sad little world. 

Mothers are all obsessed with poop at some point--namely, baby poop.  It's the barometer of how well your little person is doing.  Did he/she poop today?  How much did he/she poop?  What was the colour of it?  Was it really solid, or was it loose?  What does it mean if it's greenish???

With both kids I was obsessed with poop.  If one of the babies didn't provide one during the day, I'd pretend I was fine with it, but it would be on the back of my mind all day.  If they still hadn't gone by the next day, I'd be starting to get even more worried.  What they don't mention in all those (stupid) helpful little handbooks is how the introduction of solid food into a baby's diet will bring the whole digestive/bowel workings to a grinding HAULT.  When Jack started eating solid food, the longest he went without pooping was 12 days.  He was otherwise happy, but I was freaking out.  I was giving that kid prune juice, trying to boost the fruit to cereal ratio, giving him extra drinks...and then on the 12th day, when I was at my wit's end, and sobbing, it came.  It filled then overflowed that diaper. I've never been so happy. 

Baby Ella would dupe The Man and I so often, we should actually have been ashamed of ourselves.  She'd fill up her little diaper, and we'd lay her down on the change table.  "Are you all finished?" we'd coo at the wriggly baby.  We'd wait for a minute or two, and then decide that surely she was all done with her business.  Then we'd open that diaper up, clean her little bum till it was all pink and shiny again, and then:

PA POW POW BLAM
Do you know how many diapers we went through changing that girl's bum?  She had excellent fire power too.  One time I had her on the change table, and she was squirming and squirming when suddenly

BLAMMO!!!!!!!
She fired out poop with such force that it hit the wall nearly two feet ahead of her, and ran down right to the floor.  Luckily she was breastfeeding at the time still.  All of you fellow breasties will know that breast milk poo poo is better than formula poo poo.  It's less smelly by far.  Unluckily though, it was still poop.  When her little body exploded, I actually screamed and jumped backward.  It was shocking.  Then I stood and had to stare at the horror on the wall in stunned silence for a few minutes.  Or was I standing there in AWE?!? 

Either way, even though cleaning it sucked, it made me happy. 

Because she wasn't constipated.

I was obsessed with the contents of the diaper.  If The Man happened to be changing the diaper, sometimes I'd yell over to him:  "did he/she poop?"  If they did, invariably I'd find myself running upstairs to inspect the diaper for quality/quantity.  I would be disappointed if I missed out on that poopy diaper, if it occurred when I was out, and the kid had been a little irregular for a few days.  I'd never get satisfactory answers.

The Man:  "kid X pooped."

Me:  "oh good!  Was it a big one?"
The Man (shrugging): "I don't know.  It was a good size."
Me:  "like, was it a lot?"
The Man (with a slight smile on his face):  "it's up there in the diaper pail.  Would you like to go look at it?"

The diaper pail...oh how that thing REEKED.  There is no diaper pail in the creation of humankind that can hold a poopy diaper and not stink.  That's what I think anyway. 

I used to love it when the little people would be sleeping, or just lying down in their crib, or just lying down period, and when they pooped, it would often go RIGHT up their backs.  I became very skilled at getting off a poop-backed oneside, that only had the snaps at the crotch.  Roll, roll, roll your clothes, gently up the kid...

So what inspired all this fond reminiscing?  Well, today, as usual, I had to GO.  Don't look at me that way, I'm no different than anyone else, and I happen to be proud of my attention to fiber.  I was racing upstairs, and found that the toilet (the ONE AND ONLY TOILET WE HAVE) had already been used, nice and early, by one of my kids, who shall go nameless.  Anyhow, I opened the lid and saw turds and HALF A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER floating like an ominous cloud in the water.  Yeah, I had to reach my hand in there and scoop out handfuls of paper before the whole system backed up and onto the bathroom floor.  All the while, all I could think of was that somehow my fancy self-manicure of electric fuschia fingernails were now ridiculous, given my current PROFESSION (see my profile), and current JOB AT HAND.  Needless to say, after I'd lathered up for ten minutes, I got out the bottle of nail polish remover. 

There's nothing like sticking your hand into a toilet to start your day!  Ah, it's the little things that make life worth living. 

46 comments:

  1. Karen If we lived near each other I bet we would be friends.

    Everything you said was true....the whole poop, nothing but the poop so help us God.

    Although you did forget to mention anyone who has pets has yet to still deal with poop.

    Even the childless cannot escape poop.
    Litter boxes. Inspecting poop for worms. Cleaning the box. Yes we deal in poop.

    Back yards full of rained on disintigrating poop. Or for the lucky sods the poop frozen in the snow, that slowly ooooze lush yellow stains around it as it melts.

    I see those dog walkers carrying little white bags of warm squishy poop. All proud that they are amongst the responsible folk who look after the dogs leftovers.

    Which brings us to the topic of non-responsible dog owners who walk their dog and let them poop on others lawns and leave it for unsuspecting kids to slide through and slip, resulting in poop being carried around with them...even as they enter the car or house.

    And then the lame cat owners like me whose cats have sneaked into that poor gardener next door and left some lovely deposits for her geraniums.

    Yup, even the folks who have no pets and live in apartments. They too cannot be expected to live poop free.
    For you see, Mr. Seagull or crow or magpie or robin..like to poop all over his deck or car.

    Karen you are 100% correct. Poop is inevitable. Whether we like it or not or even admit to it.

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  2. Karen you really need to make friends with Cotton blossom, over at Wit Behind the Ears...she is on All the girls chit chat...

    oh and your kitten was to die for I am going to send all the girls at chit chat to have a look at your kitten.

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  3. Got your link from Pink Satin Sashes and oh my god so glad she posted it.
    I am laughing so hard I might poop!
    Yep, new mom here and I know the yelling to the hubby and discussing size and smell all to well
    thanks for the laugh
    I am sure days of floating turds are in my future! LOL
    Amy

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  4. oh poop, how i loathe thee! will there ever come a time when i don't have to deal with or worry about the poop of anyone but myself? well, probably if i live long enough, but by then i'll no doubt be in depends & then my own poo will worry me since someone will have to change me. and they probably won't think it's cute if they pull off my didey & i shoot a torpedo turd at the wall. jus sayin...

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  5. I don't think you shoot torpedo turds when you are old....don't they come out like liquid from all that prune juice you will be drinking. or like little marbles...unless you are a sharp shooter who is constipated with little rabbit turds- you just might hit the wall. Sherilin?

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  6. You need to post that rotten cat all the time because it makes me laugh all the time.

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  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  8. pink, that's going to be my goal when i'm old & incontinent. to be able to shoot rabbit pellet turds for the amusement of others in the nursing home. it could be a new sport! just think of the possibilities.

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  9. Oh, this was so REAL, I laughed so hard! :)
    I'm glad PSS shared your link.
    Anyone have the memory of their kids pooping in the bathtub, while they are in there with one or two siblings? That is quite the experience, let me tell ya!

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  10. Sounds like it will need some expertise, you better start practicing right now.

    Oh, I hear you could get some crotchety old nurse, or worse, elder abuse. So you will be ready with your pellets.

    No, nurse will give you a hard time,or neglect you thats for sure.
    Not if the retribution of bringing your prune juice on time means a face full of pellets!

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  11. Berries that was awesome--so often in fact, that I may have to post your comment--if you don't mind that is. Don't think I didn't have this lovely image in my head of the spring thaw revealing a sidewalk LINED with dog crap. Oh yes!

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  12. thanks again Berries--I will check out Ms. Blossom. Yeah! I love that stupid cat. I don't know why, but it cracks me up every time I watch it. I was just sitting here like a morning loser chuckling with shaking shoulders over the stupid thing.

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  13. Amy, you've just cracked me up. I'm so glad to meet all fellow poop inspectors. Maybe I'll start writing that in that box titled "occupation" on forms. Thankyou for stopping by.

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  14. LOL Sherilin...don't forget about how many years we lose the right to poop in solitude as well. I should have added that to the list.

    I have far too intimate a relationship with the stuff now.

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  15. Berries has a point about the elderly person's poop, Sherilin...but, that being said, when my baby girl FIRED it out, it wasn't exactly a solid consistency.

    Yeah, I'll let the cat make some regular appearances!

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  16. blech--what a conversation before breakfast...

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  17. BECKY!!!! YES!!! Oh my lord, I forgot about how that rogue turd in the bathtub, or kiddie pool could wreak so much havoc. "Jack, you have to get out of the pool."
    Jack: "whyyyy??????"
    Me: "because your sister POOPED IN IT"
    Jack: "but I can STILL SWIM! WAAAAA!"
    Me: "LOOK--THERE'S THE FILTHY TURD RIGHT THERE! DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! NOW GET OUT OF THE POOL!"

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  18. oh!, the poop stories we parents could tell, maybe you could write a book about them,could be a best seller!i have 2 great poop stories, once when gabe was about 18 mo. old, my mom was visiting,and we decided to fill up the kiddie pool so gabe could cool off. i took off his diaper and went to get a swim diaper, when my mom said'oh, let him be , he can sit in the pool naked, hes little let him enjoy it'. ok i said but if he poops in the pool guess whos cleaning it up, hint, not me. ok ok she said. about 5 minutes later out comes a big one, the look on my moms face was priceless! sooo, what do you need to clean this up i asked. the worst is cleaning up after someone elses kid. every year about 10 friends go to pensylvania for a girls shopping trip, it s fun and sometimes wee babies will come if the moms are still nursing. while looking for chistmas toys, i noticed a certain smell coming off the baby, since she had her daughter all weeekend i said i would be happy to change her and take her for a walk so she could have a break. my friend gave me a diaper and a pack of wipes,and off i went. off came the tights, onsie , shirt, oh no ! she pooped through all of it! ok i can deal with this, i am a mom, no prob. prob one ,2 wipes for the whole stinky mess, prob two, what do i wipe her with, oh ok paper towels , oh only hand dryers, toilet paper soaked in water then,it was cold so baby was shreiking the whole time i gave her the t.p. bath. ok she is clean what do i do with the poopy clothes, into the sink they went, now what do i put on this kid? it was november and the only thing left clean was a sleevless jumper. since we were at target i went out bought a new out fit and then went back into the bathroom to change the little angel. about 45 mins later we were done,cute clean kid in a new cool outfit,and the offending clothes in a target plastic bag. when we finally found mom and the other girls ,they thougt it was hilarious! i bet i looked less than inpressed but, she will be a friend for life.

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  19. Buying new clothes...good thing you were at target and not the gas station.

    What a firend indeed!

    I will never forget being at a resort pool and having to get out due to poop floating in the pool...oh so gross.

    3 out of four of my children at around 14-18 months started to remove poopy diapers while at naptime...poop smeared on the wall, bedding mattress, rails, headboars, and whole body....what a friggin mess to clean dried poop off rails of a crib!!!!!!!

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  20. Been there, done that. A topic that only other mothers would understand. Waiting for the swallowed nickels to pass... the explosive diaper on a plane and the jewel of the crown, a son with encopresis. It was a 4 year battle that I never could have imagined.

    Thankfully we're on the other side now.

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  21. Paula, both were excellent stories. Only fashionable you would have the presence of mind to buy the kid a whole new outfit right then and there.

    Loved the Gabe story too.

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  22. Berries, ugh @ cleaning ANYTHING off a crib. Therefore, I can relate to the poop thing. Barf was also brutal--formula and breast milk barf especially.

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  23. WHAT is "encropesis?" Did I spell that correctly...better scroll down and see...encopresis...

    Anyhow, neither of my kids swallowed any pocket change, luckily, but I'm sure they came damn close.

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  24. Pamela sent me over for a visit, and what appears but poop! They should tell kids in High School sex ed about the whole children/poop thing. Would be a great contraceptive.

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  25. Hi Pam, thanks for stopping by!

    Ha, they should indeed tell that to kids in sex ed. It should also be a whole chapter in all those baby/parenting books--but as told by real people who lived through it!

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  26. Wow. 25 comments...over poop. You are (sadly) now more poopular than ever. Could help that one, must've been the fiber. Anyhoo, for the record, I've never had a problem changing my kids' poops, but other kids...no way! Don't ask me why.

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  27. https://health.google.com/health/ref/Encopresis

    Oh, this is the same child that had refux and barfed hugely all over multiple times a day as an infant.

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  28. because they're your own kids, that's why, Matt. See, I figure that poop is hard enough to deal with, but you can put yourself into a certain "mode" thanks to familiarity.

    Poopular, eh. Oh well, I takes what I can gets.

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  29. Aaaah...okay, Lisa--I've heard of actual instances of this, but without the clinical name. It's not easy being a kid.

    Barf is a whole 'nother topic. Sigh.

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  30. I sent over a new follower my blogger friend "Pam" she is a hoot and I told her she would love you!

    When Sam was little I thought i was the only one going through this poop thing! He would go days and it would stress me and hubby out big time. I still monitor his poop and he's 11 !!! So glad to know I'm not the only mom out there stressing over this!!!!

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  31. Well Pam, thanks for sending Pam on by. It's always lovely to chat with new people!

    It's our Mom-ly duty to obsess over poop...not that we would ever have thought we'd be doing that in our adult lives...

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  32. karen, i'm giving you an award over on my blog. it's for being stylish, cuz what could be more stylish than openly discussing poop on the interwebs?

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  33. That made me laugh :)
    Found you through Laughing my Abs off.

    My one son had awesome projectile crap power as well. We recently moved and the one thing I think of is "oh, if the new people in our old house only knew what had been all over those walls!" lol

    adventuresinestrogen.blogspot.com

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  34. Sherilin, thank you. What I most appreciate is your wonderful sense of irony! Hooray!

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  35. Hi Lady Estrogen, thanks for joining the party! Geez, that is a good point: when I moved from my last house, all I thought about were the little dings, and scratches in the walls and carpets thanks to kids and cats, but I'm sure there had to be some poop speckles around after we left.

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  36. I'm still waiting for my sister to weigh-in on this one. I know she has her own joyous experiences with poop.

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  37. Hi! I like this post, I love to post about Poop too!! I found you through LaughingMyAbsOff and today I gave you an Awesome Blog award on my page. Check it out and happy writing! :)

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  38. Holy crap, JDRacer! Thanks. Glad you had a laugh. I just finished typing up an awards blog, and it took me freaking forever, thanks to being mildly technologically chanllenged.

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  39. challenged. What a word to have a typo on.

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  40. Ahh...poop! With my daughter...I have to know about each adn every poop...what is big? Was it small? Was is soft? Was it hard? YOu know...
    But withmy poor son, first time mom, poop was poop.Whatever...my lack of needing to know about it went on and on...until one morning poor Mr.B woke me up by his screaming...he was in much pain...his tummy hurt, he had a fever....adn did i mention he would not stop screaming...so off to the ER (note to all you locals teh NF Er isnt that busy at 4:30am on cold Monday morning!) Turns out teh kid was full poop! When we questioned him...he couldnt remember that last time he pooped...teh Er Doc was frazzled on how I didnt know that my kid wasnt pooping....what a bad mom I am :( So, they sent us home was some stuff and said if he doesnt poop in a few hours, bring him on back...which I had to...nothing helped this poor kid....so, youi know what they have to do to get poop out of a kid...it worked...the kid pooped all over the ER...first in the bed where they did the proceedure, all the way to the bathroom, all over teh bathroom...a huge mess of Ben poop...from then on...I am all about poop...we even kept a poop chart...everytime he pooped, he put a sticker on the chart. (he got a bit carried away withteh stickers one day, so that came down) but let me tell you...I am on it now...its all poop in our house! I never want to see either of my kids go through that again.

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  41. Steph, that was a great story! See? See the agonies of poop??? Geez, nothing like being made to feel like a bad mom. What a wonderful feeling that is. Poor little Ben. How did he feel about THE PROCEDURE???

    p.s. love the poop chart

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  42. Poor Kid was in so much pain being so bound up, that i dont think he really thought about it much...Until the Dr. said taht he was stick "this tube in your bum" Ben looked at me all nervous adn said "its okay honey, it will make you feel better"
    He respaonded with " but mom he is a stranger..."
    "its okay Ben teh Dr. is goign to help you.." all the while the Dr has arleady started...adn poor Ben didnt have time to react to any of it....the explosion happened almost instantly after our lille pep talk.
    It was an aweful mom moment....i felt like a turd myself. Poor Kid...but then again, poor Cohen, I am always in her poop business!

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  43. Teh poop chart was a good idea...like i said until Ben started putting on 4 stickers a day...at first i was like...uhmm...are you really pooping this much???? Perhaps i hold back a bit on the prune juice? A sense of panic...can my kid die from pooping too much?? and so on...i caugth him red handed putting 2 stickers on the chart each time...so down went the poop chart :(We convinced him that its okay to talk about pooping with mommy and daddy...sadly i can now tell by his underpants if he has gone that day :(
    I cant rememer who mentioned it...but i totally think bring all this up to teenagers is an awesome idea...birth control for sure..when you are in heat of the moment...just think about scrapping chunks of poo off of your kids underpants....or wiping teh walls clean of poo 4 times a day....yeah...I think it may help! Print these comments out and drop them off to a local high school!

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  44. Oh my god Steph, you are too funny. Yeah, I hate wiping poop off other surfaces, and then I wonder when everyone will start throwing up from all the bacteria that's been spread through the house without me knowing it.

    As for the underwear--yeah, they're not the greatest at wiping their own bums. And yet, I refuse to take that step BACKWARD and go back to wiping again.

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  45. Ah poop... so often absent from my life... and when you return you do so with much cramping.. haha.

    Becky mentioned about pooping in the bathtub. Ugh, my oldest was FAMOUS for it. I'd turn my back for a second and when I'd turn back around BLAMMO! A tub FILLED with poop and daughter... and it would be so shocking as she'd sit there holding some in her hand with a look for concern on her face. Then I'D have to scoop it out with my freaking HAND (because I wouldn't dare just let it all go down the tub drain and potentially clog it)... and then I feel like I have to sterilize ALL bath tub toys and daughter only to fill the tub up AGAIN and start over.

    Actually, I'd often have some kind of tantrum over that one. Some whiny tantrum.

    Or when my daughter was potty trained (or so I thought) and she would be playing in that warm, pee smelling McDonald's play land... and she would disapear somewhere far from the reaches of all and it must have been soothing to be sitting way up there and pooping in her underpants. And then she'd come sliding down the slide with (yet again) that concerned look on her face, cheeks flushed. Then I had to rush her into the bathroom and stand there in horror, not quite knowing what to do.
    "Maybe I should just flip the poop off the underwear into the toilet???"
    But in the end I'd just toss the whole thing in the garbage and let her go commando.

    Yeah.

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  46. Ha ha Aim @ sterilizing everything! I forgot about that part of it. Oh yeah--in those poopy times I'd be all over the house with the disinfectant spray. Who knows--maybe McD's playland is very soothing? Nice, warm tunnels and tubes...aaaah

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