Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Why I LURV The Library


OH, right--better offer up the standard warning:


Well, it was time to go to the library again yesterday. All the books were due, so I had to dig through that giant mess that is my daughter's room to locate them all.  I love the library, and wish, wish, WISH I could go there all by myself more often.  However, I try to turn it into an outing for Ella, who is constantly bored, and really needs to be in school filling up that chess-club brain of hers.  I was sooo sleepy though, and the library is super quiet, super hot, and super boring if you're stuck for an hour in the childrens' books section.  So, I sent my sister a text:

@ the library--ella currently crapping in library can. I so need a nap.

She was also singing "Firework" by Katy Perry at top volume.  Nothing like the accoustics in an echoey one-stall washroom.

I have discovered that if you ask a librarian for help in finding a certain book, or something good in a certain genre of books, she/he will never, ever stop helping you until she/he FINDS THAT BOOK.  Kinda funny, but charming just the same. 

I had a PILE of books for Ella, but as always; nothing for Jack.  Every time I go to the library I lament the total VOID of the type of books that he likes. 

Jack likes: 
1) books starring REAL HUMAN CHILDREN
2) books starring boys

Good frigging luck.  Seriously--why do 99% of the books have to have ANIMAL protagonists???  I can't take it anymore.  Why does that kid who's starting kindergarten have to be a kitty?  Why is a dog going trick-or-treating?  Why are we supposed to think that cows who type are hilarious???  Can't stand it. 

Suddenly I had a brainstorm:  Jack is currently very interested in babies. How do babies feel in tummies, how do they get out of tummies, do they make tummies sore, was he in there at the same time as his sister, did I take him home from the hospital in the car, etc, etc, etc.  Then, when my inlaws were over the other day he asked how babies get in there in the first place?!?  I smiled and said; "that's a frank and open discussion for another time." 

I have no problem with frank and open discussions actually.  I have no problem using proper terminology for private parts as well.  Sorry, but I thought my new little baby was adorable, and it besmirched his adorableness to call his penis his "dinky" or his "wee wee" or his "weiner" or whatever.  That's just me.  It's good for shock value too, because to my Dad, proper names for privates are akin to swear words.  Awesome.  I do, however, shy away at this point in time, from going into any detail about the special embrace that a MOMMY AND DADDY share, and what happens following that...but, I did want to find something to work with Jack's curiosity.  

So, BINGO, I'd just see if there were any nice where-did-I-come-from type books!  I simply mentioned this to the helpful librarian and she was ON THE HUNT.  So, she found the sub-section with all the non-fiction books, and left me to choose what I liked best. 

Much to my delight, there was a book from the 1970's about where we all come from, with fantastic, real, black and white photos.  I was giddy when I came across the page with the naked people on it.  On the top of the page was a picture of 1 young woman, and 3 girls standing casually naked, and on the bottom was a pic of 1 young man and 3 young boys lettin' it all hang out (ages 23, 16, 10 and 4).  I immediately felt that same tittering joy as when I was in elementary school and some classmate passed just that kind of book around for everyone's wide-eyed amusement.  Wicked! 

I'm very mature, so I raced home to first show THE MAN.  We both snickered together over the fact that the 16 year old dude was LUCKIER than the 23 year old dude (*wink* wink* nudge, nudge, aherm).  I also had a snort over the 23 year old woman, who clearly didn't have to worry about bikini waxing back in the day. 

shorts.  That's all I'm saying. 

Then I couldn't wait to show Jack. 
"Hey Jack, check out this picture!  It's full of naked dudes!"Jack didn't even give a crap about all that blatant nudity though.  He couldn't get beyond the fact that all the guys had long hair.  "Is that a girl?"  he kept asking.  That was the most confusing thing of all.  No, it's not a girl, I told him.  "Is THAT a girl?"  No, that one's not a girl either.  "Why do they have long hair?  Did they used to have long hair?" 

Like I said--I'm very mature.  That's why I could hardly choke out the words; "hey Jack!  I can't wait till you get a big hairy penis," because I was laughing so hard, and I had to cross my legs so I wouldn't pee my pants.  I've had two kids--I can't help it.  My bladder's way lower than it should be.  Jack rolled his eyes and groaned with disgust and The Man shook his head and said;

"Mummy needs to calm down." 

Okay, this is where I should note that when I said "big hairy penis," I was referring more to some monstrosity of size and hair volume, rather than ever caring about the size of my son's junk.  Because, come on--that's just gross. 

I asked The Man if he would pose for some nice, clinical, scientifically-minded nude photos for me. 

"No way.  I don't want to see it end up on your blog." 

I heart him. 

Anyhow, this is the most awesome book ever!  Do you remember being in elementary school, and finding that book with the helpful, secret message in the front:

turn to page 124
ooooh goody!

turn to page 60


turn to page 39 we go

turn to page 219

yes, yes!!!

turn to page 10

ooo...nothing yet!!

turn to page 95

you turn to page 95 and THEN......!!!!!

there's a crudely drawn picture of a dink with dashes coming out of it. 

This book felt as fun as that. 

They'd NEVER make a book like that now.  Ah, the good old days...


  1. You had me screaming with laughter!!!!!!!!!OMG....Karen!!!!!!!

    What you said about the librarian is sooooo true....they like turn into some OCD freak.

    Boys books are so dumb. I am with Jack all the way... I have NEVER been into little animal creatures being anything but what they are....I refused to read any Wind in the Willows books now..and can hardly take in a cartoon movie. I have never watched a full Finding nemo..maybe 10 min. I did watch up which I thought was rediculous, and was coersed into watching it.

    Never even watched that green scottish talking thing either.

    Nurture your boy he may never grow out of it.....

  2. Ah your sick it's the genes from our dad's side that is all I'm saying lol!

    Childrens books I adore. Sorry Karen I am so into the illlustrations and I love Louise Marie Gay! Sam has all her Sam and Stella series. Her art is fabulous and I find so many children's books have fantastic art work. I want to do a whole blog on these books. I could hang out all day looking at the childrens books...and yes I do read adult books. I miss the days of taking Sam to library class but thankfully he is a huge reader. He blows through a book in less than a week.

    I love love love the library and yippee I am going tonight because here our library is joined with the big theartre and community center and Sam has Theatre practice. So I get to hang out for 1 1/2 hrs !!!
    Librarians are so nice. You know I always wanted to work at the library!

  3. oh my gosh, you said hair shorts! was there a picture of me in there, cuz i swear, my snatch is a like a tumbleweed these days. lmao!
    i love the library and went today too, but i haven't been diving into the porn section. maybe i need to check it out for the kicks & giggles.

  4. hehehe... hairy penis... hehehehe

  5. Berries--what's the green Scottish thing?? I thought I was UP on all the kid garbage that's out there...
    Actually, finding Nemo was pretty funny, but mostly I can't stand Disney movies. YES, YOU ALL READ ME CORRECTLY.

    I just don't understand why everything in the youngest kids' category has to be starring animals. Then, when kids get to be about 8 or so, the interesting books STARRING kids emerge, but until's unbearable Robert Munsch type stuff, if you actually want to see humans.

    Glad I could give you a laugh. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too ludicrous for public consumption.

  6. I don't mind children's books, Pam and I agree--sometimes the art is so, so good. But mostly it's peepee poopoo garbage like that Dav Pilkey crap.

    You could still work toward being a librarian, couldn't you? Why not?

  7. and yes, I am a little sick. Ooop...I just went into a grinning daze for a minute there...

  8. Sherilin, now I heart YOU. SUPER LOL @ snatch. Wonderful.
    Anyhoo, excuse moi, but that was NOT the porn section--that was SCIENCE. Let's try to be mature, shall we. Hee hee...the porn section is in adult fiction, and all the best books are written by "Anonymous."

  9. Aim: hee hee heeee heee hee hee hee hee! I feel like keeping that book. I could tell the library I've lost it, and ask how much $ I have to fork out...

  10. ROFL... I have sons. We can be riding in the car and they are grouchy and fighting and all I have to do is say "penis" and laughter emerges.

    And I'm sure I read the same book with the "turn to page.." in it. ;)

  11. I think Melissa is refering to the Friendly giant...remember look way up and his friend Rusty.

  12. i am pretty sure i saw that book as a kid,somethings you remember! i looooove the library, but only when i go all by my self, its quiet,it has comfy chairs,a fireplace,and all the free mags you can read!as for kids books, i like 'knuffal bunny 1 2 and 3' my mo willems, it is not really about a bunny, but what happens when his kid looses said bunny. very funnyand probably more so for the parents, who hasn't had a kid go 'boneless' when they do not get their way.want something with 'romance' try bertrice small, it's very 'scientific'. hehe.

  13. So funny!! When you were little did you have the book, "Where did I come From?" It was funny and bizarre and clearly written in the 60s or 70s! My older sisters had already labeled it with incorrect spellings like penus, if you have never seen it I highly recommend it for comedic value!

  14. yeah! Right, Lisa? See how much fun kids can be? That immature humour never goes away really does it?

  15. okay, but the friendly giant wasn't Scottish was he? Now I have to google...hee hee...

  16. ooo...Paula has good book references...I'm on it.

    Since I'm jerk mom, I'm pretty sure I passed-up Nuffle Bunny (sp?) because it had too many words on each page.

  17. jd, I'm fairly certain that was the book a friend of mine had in elementary school. It had chubby cartoon people in it? It told all about sex, and completely horrified my 10 year old self.

  18. I love the Library!! So filled with little reading treasures! I wish I could go there every day...sadly, there hours are mywork hours...and weekends are a write off!
    I laughed so much reading this I almost peed my pants...not a good thing at work...
    This reminded me of a storey when i was in Gr. 4ish...You mentioned the "turn the page to.." was writing day and each of us we given a dictionary...mine was so many pages filled with a great little bum drawing then turn to page ...and there would be a a nice little drawing of boobies...this seemed to go on and..I giggling like the little girl I was...then the last one...was turn to page 69 (hahaha) and it was a huge picture drawn on the whole page of a Big penis adn the balls were turned into boobies...I remember ot being to control my laughter. I managed to keep it all to my self though and when we moved on to the next class, I tucked that dictionary into my tote tray...and at the end of the day I slipped that book right into my back pack adn took it home with me...what a dork! I have seen that thing kickin aroun dmy parents house over the years...I should find it adn share the joy...

  19. Steph, thanks to you, I almost started crying with laughter. LOVE the finale picture on page 69! I think that almost needs to be scanned and shared. I also like that you thought the book was a TREASURE.

  20. No not the friendly giant!!!!!!!! I loved him I mean that Shreck dude.

    Tumble weed tumble weed.... omg...SHerilinR

    My daughter refers to it as the landing strip as so many girls these days dress up their area.

    Or they get rid of the area all together.....whats with that?

  21. somehow it seems perverse to remove the fur all together. cuz if a guy is into that, does it mean he's into pre-pubescent girls? plus, no way to keep it smooth. and there's not much yuckier than getting razor burn in that region or chaffing the one you love with your stubble. seems very unfriendly to me. hence the sasquatch over here. or maybe just my justification for laziness in grooming.

  22. Well, I MUST have a more fantastic imagination for I enjoy most children's books.. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Anyway, seriously... Lily loves all books... all movies. Whether they're people or animals. So there.

    Turn to page this and turn to page that was such an erotic treasure hunt for me as a kid. hahaha! STEPH! So funny. *wiping tears away*

  23. Berries, getting rid of the AREA results in a couple of problems: chafing, followed by rash. What I can't see at all times, I just don't give a crap about.

    Shrek! Man--that never entered my brain. Shrek was fairly entertaining actually, but my daughter's terrified of him because he's so angry all the time.

  24. Sherilin-----LOL!!!!!! I typed my comment before I read yours. You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel all warm and happy inside now.

  25. you can take your imagination and cram it, Nerdo. Har har. Aw, come on--books for kids, starring kids--can't there be more than 2 % of those???

    Erotic treasure hunt. Maybe I'll invite that man on one of those just to see him roll his eyes in disgust. There is nothing, NOTHING funnier than that long-withering disgust my family offers up. That is the best.

  26. We need that book title, so I can Google it, and have visual
    I can't accurately comment on the content without verification.
    Someone has most likely scanned and posted, and if not you should be the pioneer.

    When I was a kid we had medical/psychology books on our shelves I peaked into for the naked women.
    I had lots of issues that conflicted with Catholic teachings, and I could never understand what to think.

    Medical nudity, ok?
    Sex not ok unless married, or have medical problems?

    I didn't discover women had hairy spots until 4th grade, and I thought it was a medical affliction because naked people in the Bible were always hairless.

  27. I agree with The Man, "Mummy needs to calm down." ;)

    Bennett has some interesting observations - I don't recall hairless naked people in the Bible. How would they have dealt with Esau?

  28. hairless people in the bible! LOL...oh, didn't I reference that book well enough? I scanned the cover...

    "How Was I Born?"
    A Story in pictures by Lennart Nilsson

    1975 published in Sweden! Well, that s'plains a few things

  29. but Matt--what if I'm actually the funnest person in my house???

    I, being biblically ignorant, would have to google Esau. Aside from knowing of him as a purveyor of fables, I don't know much else.

  30. esau actually means "hairy" in hebrew, he was named that because he was born with lots of red hair.if you want the full story try wikipedia, it has a nice summary of why his hairiness changed the whole family structure.

  31. oh,yeah,they are aesops fables.

  32. Oh no! I've shown myself as even more biblically ignorant than I already appeared to be. Oh dear. Well, I hope I gave you and Matt a laugh over what a dullard I am. Hee hee heee sigh.

    Google first, speak next. That will be my new motto.
    It can actually replace my old one which goes like this:
    "think, think, think, think some more, than think again, and THEN speak."


  33. Karen, NEVER replace several rounds of thinking with Google. With Google, everything's available, but not everything's right and true...

    Honestly, too few people think in this world already. Keep using that brain of yours.

  34. fine. But I can't be responsible for the outcome then :)


I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.


Related Posts with Thumbnails