Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Adventures in Paradise

Typing on Dad's laptop while in Florida....

Okay, should anyone's vacation start at 2:20 in the morning?!?  That, my friends is the time that the airbus came to pick me up to take me to the Buffalo airport.  So, at 1:30, I got tired of laying in bed with a racing heart, and decided to stop doing the old jitter jive and just get up for crying out loud.  I dragged my pasty, shivering self out of bed and into the dark, cold house.  Does anyone feel remotely good at that hour if they're used to being asleep, and if they can't really take late nights any longer?!?  Does a chicken sandwich actually sound like a good idea at that hour?  It did at dinner time, but it turned into one great big sawdust sandwich at 2 of the A.M.

Off into the cold we went.  And oh, was it cold.  The next stop was to pick up my sister, who matched me in exhausted pastiness, and my nieces.  Then it was off to pick up another lady, and then onward to the airport.  The other lady was quite chatty, and willing to share many details:

new travelling buddy:  "I hit the snooze alarm twice this morning."
me:  "you could sleep?!?!?"
new travelling buddy: "Yeah, I pounded a bunch of beers so I could sleep before I went to bed."

a little later...

new travelling buddy:  "I told all my friends; 'I'm comin' back black.'"
me (a tad perplexed): "oh, yes?"
new travelling buddy:  "yeah, I've got this tan accellerator.  It makes ya go soooooo dark!  You can actually feel it tingling on your skin."

when I told this to my sister she said;
"what?  Tingling with CANCER???"

People.  So funny. 

I would like to point out that when we got to the airport, the strap of my purse IMMEDIATELY popped off, and bits that held it together went clattering across the floor.  That sucked. 

The flight to Florida seemed fairly long and tedious, and the little bag of cookies I chose were fairly gross.  Butter crunchers.  Yech. 

I would also like to point out that as soon as we got to Florida, we used the washroom at the airport (all that Dunken' Donuts coffee makes one need to pee) and my PERIOD showed up.  What a kick in the ass:  hey, you're in Florida now, so let the fun begin! 

That really sucked. 

The view from the condo is absolutely stunning:  a large balcony looking out to the ocean.  Give me a break--who lives like this???  There is bouganvillea growing at the entranceway of the condo, and palm trees everywhere.  Beautiful.

We went for a swim in the salt water pool first.  Since it was about 2:00, or greater than 12 hours since I'd had a decent amount of sleep, I was having a very hard time tamping down the overwhelming need to weep, thanks to my Mom not being here to see all this tropical beauty.  This too shall pass.


Fort Myers has a smell.  I am cursed with ridiculously strong sense of smell, and I can smell this smell everywhere, and nobody else can really detect it.  It's kind of a mixture of public toilet water and weird, processed bread, and some mysterious spice.  The condo reeks of it.  The whole area reeks of it.  The pina coladas my sis and I had at the bar tonight had whiffs of it.  When we went to the grocery store, the bread aisle nearly knocked me over.  Damn you, nose!!!!!!! 

Actually, this reminds me of the first time I went to Mexico, and became acquainted with that most heinous of herbs:  CILANTRO.  The first night in the restaurant they served traditional Mexican food and it was filled with cilantro.  I was horrified.  I could smell it everywhere:  on the people, coming out of their houses when they opened the door...It took some getting used to.  Seriously, if you're a freak like I am, these little stupid things become much bigger. 

Anyway--speaking of the grocery store, it is endlessly fascinating the differences there are between Canada and the U.S.  Y'all have a product called "Goober" or something like that, made by Smuckers.  It's a mixture of peanut butter and jam in one jar.  Fine, but does anyone want a goober sandwich?  I think not. 

I can hear the ocean as I type.  Everyone else is in bed.  My sister is trying to sleep on the sh*tty pull out couch.  Do they always, always suck?  I tried lying on it after we put the sheets on, and it was so horrid I laughed till tears squirted out. 

Back at home there is a cold weather alert.  Apparently it's really brutal (what else is new).  I was floating on my back, looking up at palm trees.  Life is weird.  I miss my Mom, The Man, and the kids.  Cocktails made things better for a while, but now crushing fatigue is winning. 

Last bit of info of the day:  the condo is gungy and I've discovered I'm a bit of a total princess, because the town is slightly skidly, and it makes me nervous, and I don't like the dirt and grime in the condo, and I can't rough it enough to sleep on the pull out couch.  Sigh.  I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

Question:  would I go on a vacation with ME?  Hmm...must ponder this...okay, maybe I would.  Aside from my need for things to be nice and clean, and not worry overly about random locals wanting to mug me (it's a girl thing!  I swear!), I tidy up after myself and don't take up too much space.  I do, however, take way too much bathroom time to try to convert myself from HIDEOUS to passable. 


Real conversations heard in vacationville:

Me (eating a super fun American candy bar!!):  "Dad, you wanna bite of my 'Whatchamacallit'?"
Dad: "no thanks honey, I've got this something or other."

Ha ha!  No?  Come on, doesn't everyone remember those stupid "Whatchamacallit" commercials?  I just lived a real one.  My dad was totally oblivious.  Okay, I thought it was funny, but then I've been sleeping on a bed that feels like its balanced on a two-by-four:  roll to far to the right or left, and all will be lost! 

Smells continued..

okay, last night my sis and bro in law came back from a walk to 7 Eleven and it was raining out a bit when they went.  Well, they REEKED of that smell that I've been detecting everywhere.  REEKED OF IT, I TELLS YA!  Finally, they could kinda sorta smell it too.  What the eff?  Am I a total freak???

Right now I have my hair loaded with anti-humidity gel.  I seem to be the only one in our group walking around looking like a tard with a bad perm.  OH dad has some pretty funky hair too.  Thanks for the genes there dad. 

It is Friday.  It's raining, and chilly enough to require a little jacket.  Boo!!!  We are going to some place called the Imaginarium today.  I will not be the one sticking my hands into any interactive water tanks to touch any ocean creatures.  Ha ha..I'm only fun when it's cocktail hour!  By the way...I rigged up the best refridgerator pina colada yesterday, and I also made a killer quickie spaghetti dinner.  Yeah, I am awesome.  Oh...erm...yeah...I'm on vacation and I'm cooking for everyone.  FREAK.  Well, you can take the girl away from drudgery, but you can't take the drudgery from the girl. 

My sis has been taking pictures of this little vacay, so I can't wait to see just how hideous I am!  Hooray! 


  1. Smells? I smell stuff too that nobody else can detect.

    I have had the gas guy come to our house 3 times convinced that we are about to die from a gas leak.

    Turns out it is the little drain in our basement..letting off some putrid smell that nobody else can detect unless they stick their nose right in the drain.

    Have a good time floating, on your back, looking at the palm trees.

    I love that! Enjoy friend.

  2. I thought you weren't supposed to blog on vaccation! My grandfather used to live in Fort Myers, before he died. I think the smell is OLD PEOPLE, they are everywhere! I hope you have fun, lots of it.

  3. OH Karen this is so funny!
    I love the cancer comment by Aimee! Oh how i hate leaving at that ungodly hour!!
    I have that sense of smell too and I smell sewage on a constant basis and my family thinks i'm nuts! We live in a mill town so i do smell it...we are on septic and i swear to god I get wiffs of it constantly ...I am always burning candles!!
    Rays parents heated their home for years with a wood stove when I leave their house I smell!!!!

    I hope you end up having a great time and don't worry or cry over your kids!!!
    Have a cocktail for me!

  4. Okay, I know bitterness and cynicism is the main point of this blog, but the next entry better be of pleasant sites and peaceful moments of renewal, or else I will find some square in which to protest until you step down from power. I will. Don't you make me come down there!

  5. ooo, me, me me! i want a goober sandwich! and after i eat it, i'll be able to blog about it.
    and i too thought, "tingling? that's the cancer cooking."
    cilantro is definitely an acquired taste & smell. i used to hate it, but now i buy it fresh & use it in stuff i cook all the time. actually, i just burped & tasted cilantro from the guacamole i had for dinner tonight.
    have fun & stop cooking for everyone!

  6. The Florida smell! I remember it well...when we went 2 years ago, we stayed in this pretty little condo...first time I had a shower, i wanted to gag. I got used to it over the 2 weeks we were there...I think...we had a washign machine and dryer in the condo so I washed all of our clothes the day before we left thinking "How smart am I?" So we get home late in the evening, we all shower/have a bath and the next day...i opened our suitcases to put all of our clean clothes away...and THERE WAS THE SMELL!! The Florida water stinks!!! I thought I could deal with it...but as it turned out I couldnt! I re-washed everything! So much for "being so smart"
    Everyone else thought i was nuts...but later proved them wrong when I took out the bathing suits months later ( I didnt re-wash them) and man oh man...they carried the water smell!!!

  7. Thanks Melissa, I did enjoy it while I was there. I was in a relatively stress-free bubble for a little while, and it's exactly what I needed.

  8. Alaina, you hit the nail on the head--it's retired old rich white person city!
    I think I"ll have to blog about it

  9. Well Pam, thanks. I had several cocktails for you, and for me, and for everyone else who wanted me to have one :)

  10. I did stop cooking for everyone Sherilin, and that means we had hot dogs three times. Blech. Would've been better off with a goober sandwich...

  11. thank you Steph. You made me realise I'm not entirely crazy--at least where smells are concerned! I really noticed the stink when my sister and her man came in from walking in a light drizzle. I couldn't even sit next to them.


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