Saturday January 29
There's that familiar feeling again: that crawly sensation of feeling wrong in my own skin. I feel anxious like something unpleasant is JUST about to happen, and edgy--really edgy. It's like my nerves are strung taut like guitar strings and I'm a fuse beside a flame, and any second I could light. I could snap.
The sound of my son glugging his milk, the cat endlessly returning for some edible handouts, the toys that came out from under the couch with the sweep of the broom. It all makes me want to SNAP. Lose it. Start screaming. Grab someone and shake them until my arms are tired.
Oh, and there's that self loathing. I'm ugly, I'm sagging. My skin is breaking out and I feel despair as I dab the cover stick here there and everywhere on my face.
I want to put my face in my hands and cry.
And so it is PMS time--2 full weeks before my period.
Following directions on this little bottle here, I have decided to take 2 capsules a day...forever??? Every day I will take 2 capsules. It says I can take 4 or as directed by a physician...but the 2 is for general hormone balancing, so I'll start there.
Ich...even though the pills are only on my tongue for like, a SECOND, there is a decidedly unpleasant aftertaste, which kind of makes me think of what it would be like to lick an a$$. Sorry, this is of course, purely scientific.
Within a couple of hours, I am either in placebo heaven, or I'm just feeling the glow of the coffee in my system as I watch New Scandinavian Cooking on PBS. Oh Andreas--you quirky nut--you're so charming. Either way, I don't feel that dull, throbbing grouchiness that's usually simmering right below the surface.
I feel dreamily happy right now. I just finished eating one of those McYummy sausage & egg muffin thingies and now I'm drinking some McStrong coffee. The Man and I had breakfast together!!! ALONE!!!!! The kids departed yesterday for a sleepover at their benevolent grandparents.
I slept, nearly STRAIGHT THROUGH, till 8:00 AM! I woke once when it was dark, thanks to inner progamming. It was probably around 6:00 AM, or right about the time Ella (why don't 3 year olds value sleep???) would be getting up. The house was so quiet I could actually hear the clock ticking. The FREAKING SUN IS SHINING (haven't seen the sun since last week). I didn't wake up to sounds of fighting or any noise. Thus, that unpleasant sensation wasn't here today:
1) wake up too early to sound of daughter clattering/clunking/smashing around her room
2) heart pounds
3) hands go tingly and numb
I told you my family is KILLING ME.
So, today I will take the PMS pills at lunch and see how I feel.
Extremely difficult to gauge how I feel due to euphoric zen feeling of children still being away, the house being completely empty (The Man went alone to get them, bless his little heart), and the high that comes from blowing some $$ during an impromptu shopping trip. Also, am sick of self-analysing myself to death, so I will wait till the children are back, and I resume my roll of OVERBURDENED HOUSE FRAU.
There is absolutely NO Vitality in my life. I feel about as tired, cold, pale and bloated as a human can feel.
However, there are a few hypotheses for this:
1) I have full-body cancer
2) congestive heart failure
3) the pills are actually poisoning me (remote, but sounds dramatically interesting)
4) the kids have a day off school today
5) I couldn't fall asleep last night till after midnight (probably most likely)
6) the pills are actually transmuting anger into sadness! A chemical BREAKTHROUGH!
7) It's JANUARY IN CANADA. Nuff said.
So...crushing fatigue, but no rage................good?!?
Two interesting things of note:
1) I seem to be forming a goose-egg sized zit over my right eyebrow
2) I felt loving feelings all day toward my children and The Man.
LOVING FEELINGS PEOPLE
I also put on all my winter gear and forced myself, as well as the kids, into the back yard for a while, and poof, I didn't feel tired anymore. Stupid winter.
Yesterday I was a LOVELY human being. In fact, I was everything I ever wanted to be in a human.
I was kind, patient, pleasant and calm. The proof (if I can call it that at this point...there is still plenty of time after all), was that Jack was in a good mood all day. My son is EXTREMELY SENSITIVE TO MY MOODS. When I PMS, he PMS-es too!
Also, I'm not debilitated by fatigue today, so who knows how much of that is psychosomatic anyway???
Actually...I feel.........happy. What a strange, and alien sensation! Hm...what if I'm no longer a miserable repulsive grouch 50% of the time. Does that mean I'll be losing 50% of my identity??? What happens when Dr. Jekyl loses Mr. Hyde??? Is he BORING then???
One more point of note: I am still craving an abundance of food and sweets like a mofo. Apparently one can't have everything.
Time to stop having blog fun, and go make some dinner. And I don't even feel grouchy or resentful about it! Hooray!
* Hey! Want the whole PMS Story? Click Any of the links below:
How To Kill The PMS Monster? Part 2: The SUPPLEMENT
How To Kill The PMS Monster - Part 3: Hormone-o-rama
How To Kill The PMS Monster Part 4: Maybe They're Really That Annoying
How To Kill The PMS Monster Part 5: PMS Can Suck It!