Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Monday, February 28, 2011

I still Smell Barf

Because Mondays weren't already SUPER DUPER FUN...

It's important to note here that The Man is away on business.  You know:  boring meetings by day, really nice dinner, then peaceful solitude in a clean hotel room?  Y'dig?  I would also like to point out that while I was away in Florida, The Man's parents came and took the kids off his hands for 2 1/2 days, and the week passed peacefully without major incident. 

Last night, my little Ella woke me at

1:00 (made it back to bed at 2:00)

and was finally up for good at 6:30. 

Ear infection.  Lots of crying.  Ibuprofin didn't make a dent.

I'd just like to point out, that because I'm SELFISH JERK MOM, I was inwardly crying about my loss of sleep, and I was also crying because on Mondays, Ella and Jack are BOTH in school in the morning.  Ella goes to nursery school 3 days a week. When they're both in school, I come home and wipe tears of joy away for those two precious, priceless hours of PURE GORGEOUS SILENCE.  So, I was thinking; " couldn't get sick on a TUESDAY now could you.  Of course not!"

At 7:30 this morning, I was feeling like over-baked death, and Ella was bouncing around downstairs singing.  I could have happily strangled her.

So, off we went to the walk-in clinic, where dickhead doctor takes a look in her ear and says; "well, it doesn't look too bad, but I'll give her an antibiotic." 

I've had no sleep.  Well, I had some--you know:  that desperate, sweaty sleep that you get when you're stressed?  So I'm in no mood for this noncommittal "doesn't look too bad" business.  What the hell does that mean anyway?!?  Does she have an ear infection or doesn't she?  I already concluded she does, as she's prone to them, so off we went across the hall to the pharmacy. 

Just as I was paying for the meds, and the FREAKING SNICKERS BAR I'D CHOSEN,  Ella decided to spice things up a little.  She suddenly started going; "MMM!  MMMM!" and when I looked down I saw that her eyes were wide, her cheeks were FULL and she had a blob of barf on her lip.  Luckily, there was nothing nearby to deal with the imminent spew.  Also luckily, my brain SHUT DOWN. I frantically scrabbled up one of those paper prescription bags.  Do you think I could get the damn thing open though?  So, I held it over my hands for her to hurl onto, like a tray.

The tiny, swarthy, mousy, pharmacist said "can you at least use the waste basket?" in this groany, long-suffering voice, as Ella was yarking away.  So, I steered her over to the garbage basket, mumbling apologies to all along the way.  I even tried, with great embarrassment, to swab up some of the unswabbable mess, with the paper towels the young, cute, useless, pharamacy assistant girl offered up.

Then we beat it the hell out of there.

In the car I started laughing--you know, like you have to do when something is just so completely unfunny horrendous?  I said; "oh Ella!  I could see all your little bites of cheddar cheese in there!  MY GOD!"  Then I almost gagged, and it was then I decided that the Snickers bar would have to wait till much, much later.   


  1. Is it completely terrible that I'm crying from laughing at this?!! I can't catch my breath! I can picture it all too well... I hope Ella is ok. I just can't stop laughing.

  2. I left and enormous comment on your last post.

    And on one previous about my kids barfing in a restaurant....the only thing available to barf into were the tiny coffee cups. so grabbing one after the other to try to catch the barf all the while kid number 2 yelling that christopher was had been parking the van and as he entered the huge restaurant she yelled it to him across the place....we left promptly.

    the joys of children!

  3. when we were 18 and niave, would we EVER have thought that our days could consist of catching barf in our hands?i have also had that joy,the things we do for our kids!hope bella ella feels better soon,so you can have a few blissfull hours of quiet!

  4. oh my gosh, nasty! i've done the barf catching thing & it's a bastard to get the stink out of your nose afterwards. like it roots in your sinus cavity to torture you for hours afterwards.
    i'm sorry she's sick while you're singe parenting.

  5. ARHARHARHAR! Oh man. *wipes tear away* Sorry. I shouldn't laugh. I should actually cry. I was supposed to have a delicious dinner at your house today! Instead, I declined out of fear. Fear of getting sick. Fear of the kids getting it and then having to catch barf.

    Actually. I'm going to tell you something. I have never... nor will I EVER catch the barf in my hands. And it's not even that I'm being a "jerk" about it. It's because when they are doing that surprise barf, I FREEZE.. I stand there gasping, "Oh my gawd! Oh! Oh noooo! Ah! Okay. EEEKS!" And I dash around useless like.

    Barfing sucks.

  6. no, it's fine your laughing, B. Aim was nearly in tears picturing me holding the useless paper bag in my hands like a tray.

  7. Melissa--I loved that enormous comment. Or, I LURVED IT. Yeah! I loves me some dialogue!

    Oh man...I forgot about your trip from hell and the kids throwing up...I suppose you have lots of white hairs now too?

  8. Paula, I laughed out loud--no, I NEVER would have imagined I'd be catching barf in my hands. Sigh. Ella already feels betters. I think her inner ear was all messed up. She told me that when she burped her "ear flapped again." Poor kid.

    She's all happy now though, and has been singing and running around. I however, feel like a wrinkled shirt that's been worn for three days straight.

  9. Sherilin! You're right! That stank has been in my nose for most of the day. Blech. It's alright--I've already concluded that I'm CURSED, so now I just roll with it.

  10. hey, you could still come for dinner. I really think the germ coast is clear, and it's not the dreaded STOMACH FLU. Ah well, the laughs are on me, people.

  11. I am JUST STARTING to get grey hair!!!! and it is freaking me out.

    I have enough grey that I can still pull out the little buggers ,but, now they are creeeping to the back of my head where I cannot always see them.....grrr. I am 44 and have never had to dye my hair and I don't plan on it for a long time yet....

  12. never had to dye your hair? Good for you! I'm SICK OF DYING MY HAIR, but I started when I was 14 and can't seem to stop. OH, I have lots of white hairs now.

  13. I know that laugh. I know it well when there's nothing else to do but laugh and if someone forced you to stop you might just have to place your hand on the horn and press hard until some random stranger pulled your hand off the steering wheel or calls 911 or slaps you a few times.
    (Okay, I think I just lost it for a moment. It happens. Anyhoo....)

  14. Barf...i HATE it!!! no matter what I hate it...I am sure I told you the storey of my husband...exploding barf all over my white bathroom...too sick to clean it himself? *shudder*
    My little miss coco, at about this time last year we were in Texas. Our last night there we went out for a nice dinner and back to the hotel to swim, she was a year old, had super fun. We had to leave the hotel at 4am so we could return the rental car and such adn catch our flight...So there we all are, everything packed up, in the rental car..we arrive just transfering our bags to teh shuttle bus when Ben started screaming "MOM!MOM" kinda annoyed(it was 4:30in the freakin morning and no coffee yet...."WHAT!!!" Cohen just barfed!
    Rich and I looked at each other is HORROR...rock paper sissors...i loose...I go check it out, the kids were both still in their carseats...yup...she barfed all we had change her clothes, pay extra moeny for a clean up fee...and off we went, with our barfed covered carseat and we get to the airport...where i again unpacked some stuff...just incase we need to change her again...
    so now we are standing in the longest line waiting to get through security...just as its our turn....yup, Coco barfs adn Ben are already through, leaving just me to deal with it...with about 2000 people watching. Awesome!
    So after soem pretty fast clean up...i take her to clean her in the crying becasue OMG we still have to get on the plane and deal with a a stop over...5 more hours of this...i was done. but i couldnt be...I was forced to deal with it. ARG.
    We got on the plane and everyone is well aware now that it was our darling who had been barfing. The flight crew was very nice about it all...brought us extra towels, gingerale for us all rightaway...really nice. And she kept barfing. thanks to the barf bags the mess was not as bad. We arrived in Chicago and the barfing had stopped and she slept the rest of the way home...however, Ben, Rich and I feel sick from the barf was just awesome...yeah...not so much....i feel your pain...

  15. dbs, what you're alluding to is DELIRIUM. That for me, usually comes without laughing, but with an almost overwhelming urge TO laugh.

  16. Oh Steph, that was a horrendous story. And yet another one that's NOT IN THE SHINY HAPPY TEXT BOOKS ON PARENTHOOD. How horrifying. Not only that, but the airplane usually smells totally stale anyhow...just imagine it! Oh wait, you lived it.

  17. hehehehehehee..

    As I'm reading this self inflicted cynicism I'm wonder what does Karen do during that 2 hour empty bliss?

    I'll imagine you siting in chair in the middle of the room looking at a blank white wall thinking about nothing, with a blank day dream about nothing. Then the 2 hours end, cooking timer dings & you light up a smile and say:"Boy that was fun!"
    I don't know what that mean. Abstract thinking.

    Very funny post, BTW.

  18. Ha ha ha...thanks Bennet. That image you described? Ridiculous to some, but it sounded SCRUMPTIOUS to me. I should invent something lurid about what I do, but really it's me, with a coffee in front of the computer, checking out that LOATHSOME, and then blogging...

  19. Thankless mom tasks. I hope Ella remembers and thanks you one day.

  20. doubtful, but it makes for a nice Hallmark movie type of fantasy...


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