Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Monday, February 7, 2011

Vacation: turning Sasquatch into Sexy Beach Ball Woman

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee....

Okay, first of all:  who can get the above photo joke in two minutes or less?  If, however, you're not a degenerate as I am, click HERE.  No seriously--if you can take some very un-ladylike/un-gentlemanly humour, click on the link.  I laughed out loud.  Made my whole Monday morning better.  Oh don't look at me like that.  I can't always be the deep-thinking, environmentally-conscious, cynical jerk that I am. 

I'm leaving for Florida this week!!!  SANS CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hoo...I just got light-headed there for a second!  Okay, no jokes about the little people.  I'll miss them.  I'll probably even be crying several times during my 6 DAY VACAY. The Man's not going either--just my sister, her man, her kids and I. 

There is a lot to do to get ready for a vacation, and even moreso for a vacation in WINTER.  Let's just say, we tend to let ourselves go a little.  We relax our standards.  We take a solid week off from shaving the legs--at least! We allow ourselves to turn into prickly, pasty bags of dough.  Why, I can hardly wait until I step on that beach, and the sun bounces off my white, white, white, painfully white, skin; whereby if someone looks at my legs directly, they'll go blind. 


Several years ago, before I had the kids, when I was merely chubby, I would wax my legs before going on vacation.  This would be wonderful:  I wouldn't have to shave the entire week.  And oh, the dreamy bikini zone!  If I waxed my burns off, that area would be rash-free and hassle free the entire vacation. 

we all want to look like THIS

and not THIS. (image from HERE)

Yeah, I used to do all that tedious hair removal. 

But, I got lazy. 
Lazy, and afraid of the pain.  If you've ever waxed anything, you'll know that it hurts so much, you will not believe that the area you just ripped the strip off is not bleeding.  How about that area right around the ankle bone?  How about the front of the leg, near the bottom, where the leg meets the foot?  If only they sold a local anesthetic that we could take before waxing.  Brutal. 

But, we've done it all:

* shaving

ever knick that funny spot just over your ankle, and then watched the blood roll down for a nearly endless amount of time? 
-Ever have the razer do a roll-over in your slippery, soapy hand, and chisel a chunk out of your leg along the way?

- ever shave your legs and then immediately head off to the highschool dance, work up a sweat, and feel like your legs had been lit on fire?
- ever shave way past the point when you should have thrown that razor away, because you KEEP ON FORGETTING TO BUY SOME MORE?

* chemical hair removers

"Up to 5 days" my @$$...

How disgusting is this stuff????  Plus, what the hell is it doing to our skin?  Is it actually a good idea to KILL the hair on our legs?!?  Do we really want it to penetrate "below the surface?!?"

a) the stuff reeks like that bad perm everybody's mom used to get when you were a kid
b) it takes ten minutes to wash off hands
c) they never show on the commercial what you do with the greasy ball of hair filled gunge that you've just scraped off your leg
d) there's something a little unsettling about that weak, dead, wavy leg hair that you simply have to WIPE off
e) the hair is back by the next day

* disposable wax strips
My personal best choice...if there is a best choice.  They work okay.  Hurts like a MOFO, but come on, how could it not?  It kills me when they show these hair waxing commercials and the girl pulls the strip off her leg, and continues to smile the whole time. 

*hot wax
The most effective.  However, it's tricky.  You have to heat the wax up to just the right temperature (scalding hot wax on skin = BAD).  You have to spread it just thick enough, and you have to work quickly to rip that stuff off before it cools too much and sets on your skin.  If you rip it off at the wrong angle, instead of hairless gorgeousness, you get a bruised, broken blood vessel nightmare

Here's a small story about hot wax.  Years ago, I tried for the first and only time to wax my pits.  I spread the hot wax on, waited a moment, and tried to rip.  Well, it's tricky to get the right angle when it's your own armpit, and only a corner of the wax came up and away.  It hurt, there is no word to describe the hurt.  While I blacked out from the pain for a moment, the wax cooled completely until it was the texture of hard candy.  On my armpit.  I had to pick off the hard pieces of wax, which were welded onto the hair.  Oh, the tears.  Not ONE SINGLE HAIR CAME OUT. 

I am not daunted!  Today is the day I stick that disposable strip on my pit!  Yeah!  I'll let you know how it goes....

6:10 PM
Okay, I'm finished with the whole making dinner business, so it looks like I have some free time to rip hair off my body.  I'm totally losing my nerve about the armpit thing.  I just said that I should make The Man rip the strip off.  He shrugged and said; "sure," which is nice, but I can't really let him see the state of my underarm.  Ooo goody--the phone's for me.  Look's like the pain party has been postponed for now.

6:40 PM

7:00 PM
Okay, that was enough wax strip fun.  I put the first strip on my armpit, ripped it quickly off and OH THE BURNING SEARING PAIN.  Then I looked on the strip and saw TWO HAIRS.  Yeah, I'm not kidding.  However, after a while I managed to get a fair amount of the hair off, but I wouldn't say that the disposable strips worked "great."  I think if I was going to suffer the pain again, I'd go get my pits waxed professionally.  They feel like someone's just smacked them for an hour.  Hm...they kinda look it too. 

What was really fun during my hair removal session was that first Ella had to come in just to check out what I was doing, and then Jack banged on the door to pee.  Oh, to have another bathroom...  When I was putting Ella to bed she said she wanted to see the results of my underarm labour.  I showed her.  She felt the remaining fuzz and said;

"EEEEW...Mom, you gotta shave those hairs off." 

Three year olds know what they're talking about. 


  1. wow, you're brave to try to wax the pits. TWICE! what's that saying, fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me? hmm... possibly some insight for those future pit waxing urges.

    and as for that furburger business, those were hilarious jokes! if i'd read this before my post earlier, i probably would have had to include that snazzy lil phrase for some color in my writing. cuz i'm generally colorless. if by color i mean class.

  2. Well first of all don't cry while your away or feel guilty. You highly deserve this trip and your kids will be fine.
    Oh the pain of waxing. I used to constantly go for sugar treatments in the bikini area for a few years straight...hurt like hell everytime. The last time I went the woman got so carried away down there nothing was left!! LA WAX!!
    Forget...I told the husband if it bugs you close your eyes!! I can't take the pain anymore...I will just stick to shaving my underarms and legs.
    But the only thing I get waxed is the dreaded upper lip...this is the one place I refuse to have hair!!

    I hope you have a blast in florida and party it up!!!!!!!!!

  3. Yes its been in the 70s in Miami.

    I like hairless legs and I'm jealous that women get to have hairless legs. I've always told every girl I've been with if they don't shave their legs I'll shave mine.

    I like looking at shaved legs. I don't care how white.

    I have seen some nude models with thinned bleached leg hair. I don't know if its the photo touch-up editors are doing to but I've often wonder how do women do thing? Certain upper thigh areas have hair, but it looks thin almost like peach fuzz. I don't know enough about woman's beauty care to know what they're doing.

  4. Well Sherilin, we can be colourless together! Oh, I'll do it again. Vanity can even triumph over laziness sometimes!

  5. Pain is right, Pam! I hope to de-stress myself while I'm there. Loads of lying in the sun.

  6. bleached hair on legs Bennet? No, no, and no. I'm sorry, but I also scoff when I see that women shave from the knee down, and not all the way to the top of the leg.
    So looking forward to warmth. It's so cold here, that after my morning (idiot) power walk, my face still feels like it's throbbing.

  7. come to think of it...gone are the days when I used to think I had to pre-tan before vacation, either by sunless tanning lotion, or one of the very few trips I made to the tanning bed. I miss the tanning bed. So warm and soothing. I could sleep in one of those things, were it not for cancer.

  8. that is just wrong! yippeee for you 6 days to do whatever you want,oh the bliss! as for the hair removal,i learned my lesson, i tried to wax my bikini line,and put the wax on both sides applied the muslin and rippppedd off the one side,owwwwww that hurt and there was blood! needless to say i had to rip off the other side, oh it is more painful when you know what is coming!now i stick with shaving it is a pain in the butt,but thankfully no where else.i figure if you are the only naked woman in the room most men are to happy to care about a 'little hair down there'!

  9. I have never waxed nothin'.

    A week to a month will go by befor I shave my legs in winter...the hair growth slows down, just like the greenery for the furburger.....gross.

  10. Paula, actually I don't know why the hell I care. The Man's not going to be there with me, so why the pain and agony? Curse the image of the bathing beauty on the beach!
    Yeah, the blood's nice, eh?

  11. Ha ha ha ha...Thanks Melissa, you're disgust for the furburger makes me happy. Good for you for not being a crazy woman about womanly hair. I actually do shave my legs fairly frequently in winter. It's the only thing to make me feel SLIGHTLY attractive, when I'm clothed from head to toe in scarves and things.

  12. I'm so jealous. I'm going to Florida in March for a week, WITH CHILDREN. They are so excited. I'm am so exhausted just thinking about it.

    If there could be any benefit to being divorced this is it - I always arrange that we return from vacation at the beginning of their dad's weekend. Yes, straight from the airport to his house. Do not pass GO. For 2.5 days. :D

  13. Well Lisa, maybe it'll be a fun change of pace anyway??? That's what nice people try to tell me at least. Wonder if it's ever true...


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