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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How To Kill The PMS Monster Part 5: PMS CAN SUCK IT!

Image from HERE

Hello fellow super-PMS sufferers, and male innocent bystanders!  Have you been following the story?

How To Kill The PMS MONSTER??? Part 1

How To Kill The PMS Monster? Part 2: The SUPPLEMENT

How To Kill The PMS Monster - Part 3: Hormone-o-rama

How To Kill The PMS Monster Part 4: Maybe They're Really That Annoying


So here it is--the middle of March.  It is the day before St. Patrick's Day.  Incidentally, St. Patty's day is troubling me.  I love all of the holidays, and feel like I should make some sort of effort.  However, I can't get into wearing green, putting shamrocks on my table as a centrepiece or eating CORNED BEEF:  AKA; THE MOST DISGUSTING MEAT MAIN IN THE UNIVERSE.  Blech.  That thing was only edible after I cooked it to death, thus driving most of the processed lunch meat texture out of it.  Not only that, but cabbages tend to come in sizes larger than even the largest of human heads.  Unless I split that thing four ways and share it with all my family, how the hell am I supposed to eat THAT MUCH FREAKING CABBAGE???

But I digress...

Anyhoo, I began my PMS-killing journey at the end of January.  After years and years of debilitating PMS, which I guess was actually PREMENSTRUAL DYSPHORIC DISORDER (click on PMDD if you'd like to learn more), I decided my quality of life basically SUCKED A$$. 

I mean, think about it:  depressed, anxious, insanely angry, super irritated for TWO WEEKS OUT OF EVERY MONTH.  Although this makes for some mighty good blog fodder (see Deep In The Heart Of PMS Country), and it all seems like one big funny-ha-ha-woman-so-bitchy joke, it actually equates to life being brutal 50% of the time.  And frankly, that BITES.

Okay, yes, right about now, someone SOMEWHERE is making a "AND HOW ABOUT HER HUSBAND??? HAW HAW HAW" type joke.  Yes, Chucklehead.  I've heard all of these jokes.  I've watched you elbow The Man chummily with a wink and a laugh, like a secret handshake indicating that you're both in the MAN CLUB.  Even the ladies like to make this joke at times.  I get it.    We're not talking about THE MAN here, people, we're talking about MOI.

I started to realise, and not too long ago really, that my PMS wasn't your usual garden variety, after talking to my sister and some of the homegirls.  No, they didn't feel like lopping off heads for two weeks before their RED BUDDIES showed up.  For them it was more like 1 to 3 days of emotional goodness.  Also, they didn't get a set of knockers so sore that they were FORCED to employ The Man to massage the ow-ness out, even though the last thing in the world they wanted was anyone MALE to even COME NEAR THEM ~ HISSSS!!!  I'm pretty sure my wimmens didn't lie awake in bed for many nights certain that the planet is DOOMED, and their whole family is DOOMED and full-body CANCER must be raging within...

well, you get the picture.

So, I went to the health food store one bleak morning and enlisted the help of the sales lady.  After she stared at me like I had a third eye for a few minutes (when I told her about my 2 weeks of monthly suffering), she pointed me in the direction of THE SUPPLEMENT! 

You can read all about Estrosmart HERE

The sales lady said that this was their most popular hormone-balancing supplement.  This product says it will help me with balanced hormones, healthy breasts, and  effortless periods, among other things.  What I really, really wanted of course is greatly reduced PMS.  If it gave me "effortless periods" that would be great too, rather than the 7-9 days of red-buddy torture I was accustomed to. 

So, I started to take two a day to see if that would make a difference.  Two weeks before my first period while taking the supplement, I didn't feel like tossing my family out onto the street with a suitcase stuffed with their own dirty clothes. I felt calm and even warm and loving.  What?!?  No PRICKLY PEAR KAREN???  That's weird...I had maybe 2 or three days of feeling a bit edgy, but one time I was shopping at THE WAL OF EVIL, and I defy ANYONE to not be edgy while shopping there.  I figure the greatest proof of me not being a raving beyotch was that my son Jack was nice the whole month as well.  The running "joke" is that when I PMS, Jack PMS-es as well. He is VERY sensitive to my moods. 

I wouldn't say my actual period was EFFORTLESS, but whatever, I was happy that all the bad feelings had departed. 

And so, on to the second month...

I was at the health food store again, buying my 2nd bottle of the stuff.  The sales lady who was in the store this time, raved about the product and how much easier it made her life.  Then we had a lovely, if not slightly weird, discussion about her "flow."  She told me that thanks to taking this product, her "flow" was as usual for THREE DAYS, and then BANGO--trickled off to nearly NOTHING after that. 

Oooo!  I said, like a little kid waiting to open up a shiny pink present--THAT SOUNDS GREAT! 

Sheesh.  Having a frank and earthy discussion about one's FLOW.  Oh well, whatevs.

So, I was due to start my own FLOW (what a stupid word) in the next week, so I was all ready to see if there was any discernable difference there. 


It was just like the saleslady had said:  NIAGARA FALLS for THREE DAYS, and then BINGO BANGO--next to nothing.  Can we get graphic here for a minute girls?  I barely even needed a feminine protection product during the next three days.  Seriously! 

And as for the PMS????  I only had three days in which I freaked out on everyone for being SLOBS, and insisting that I'm NOT THE G*DD*MN MAID PEOPLE"!!!



I did still have a very sore right HOOT, but that's the stupid one anyway:  the one my daughter got fed up nursing on, so she favoured the LEFT HOOT ONLY after a time, and the LEFT HOOT is PERMANENTLY SLIGHTLY LARGER THAN THE STUPID RIGHT HOOT. 

Now then, let's go straight to The Man, who is dilligently working away here in the dining room home office, and see what he has to say:

Me:  "so what can you conclude since I started taking The SUPPLEMENT?"

The Man:  "You've been more tolerant."

Me:  "that's it?"

The Man:  "You've been MORE PLEASANT TO BE AROUND."

Me:  "cuter?"

The Man:  laughs (EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT FUNNY)  "You're always cute, but you're not biting heads off all the time anymore." 

Ha ha, kudos to The Man for the quick-on-his-feet thinking and answering correctly when quizzed about my cuteness.  

Yes!!!  So, my conclusions are as follows:

* I don't LURV the price:  60 capsules cost $32 CDN.  So that's about $32 a month, which is a bit pricey, I think, but all of these supplements seem to cost around the same amount.
*Greatly reduced PMS
:  down from 14 days to 3
*WAY easier...what's a better word than "flow??"  I guess there is none.  The FLOOD done dried up after 3 days!!!

So there you have it.  I'm practically a new karen.  Or rather, a less rancid karen.  I recommend this product.  It actually did something for me, and I didn't have to resort to meds (and no, I'm not knocking anyone who does take meds for PMS).  I suppose I should recommend that before trying anything, one should always consult their physician first and blah, blah, blah, etc, etc.

If anyone else has tried this product, or is interested in giving it a try, or has tried something similar, or has a prescribed medication for PMS, or has a wife who SUFFERS---OH LORD HOW SHE SUFFERS, or how YOU suffer too, I'd LOVE to hear about it!  GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK, WIMMENS and MENS! 

And just one more thing:


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  1. jeez karen! you make me laugh so hard sometimes.

    I guess the man is going to miss massaging the girls??

    left hoot right, oh man.

    Well I am truly glad you have relief. NObody should be RANCID.

    nobody deserves to be rancid and nobody deserves to live with rancid...just cute people.

  2. I don't know Melissa--I kind of like my rancid side. It's so empowering. Like, some days I get to be THE EVIL QUEEN! FILLED WITH TERRIBLE POWER!

    Yeah, he didn't mind the hoot massage, but honestly, does any girl want a man to touch her in that special PMS time???

    Thanks though, I'm glad too, and pleasantly surprised to boot!

  3. Maybe you'll miss that side of you Karen. The (and I'm only quoting you) "rancid" side of you. Ah, whatever... YAY for you!!!!!!

    It's nice to hear that something ACTUALLY works.

  4. hooray, hoorah for a working anti-pms agent of light and happiness and cuteness!
    my kid wouldn't eat my left boob. she only liked the right one & bit the left one like a mean little beeotch. people asked if the right was bigger than the left & i like to answer, "can you tell when a fat woman loses 5 lbs? no, when they're this big, it's hard to notice such changes."

  5. Yeah! And surprising too, eh nerdo? Wait..this is my sister Aimee of course...what if some other Aimee popped in and Just called HER "nerdo?" That would be rude.

    Oh, I'm sure rancid karen will always be a part of me--sniff!

  6. Sherilin, that made me laugh out loud--'can you tell when a fat woman, dot, dot, dot" Hilarious. I can tell on mine. I'm pretty sure nobody else can, but they're probably just being polite.

  7. I might have to try this Karen!

  8. honestly Pam--it's really improved things. It was a pleasant surprise.

  9. Very funny Karen.

    Obviously I have absolutely no insight into PMS.

    All I knew was most of my girlfriends got horny around that time, which was good. I used to keep up with their scribblings on the calenders noting which week it would start so that I'd know when to be nicer. I learned rather quickly that being indifferent on PMS week was a foolish mistake.

    That is all I have on this subject.

  10. Ha Bennet! Kudos for braving the subject at all. Your girlfriends became HORNIER DURING PMS WEEK?!? MON DIEU! I might as well have a sign around my neck screaming "get away from me male mother f***ers"! My good days arrive when it's most biologically practical, sadly.

  11. Haha. I enjoyed your article/blog entry. Right now I'm pmsing and went searching the internet for some kind of comfort in some form and stumbled upon here. I also take those herbs and have noticed the difference it makes. However I stopped taking them a few weeks ago because I got hives badly and had to rule out everything I was taking. (Pretty sure it wasn't from them) so I'm a lil more pmsy then usual but doing ok. :p yay

  12. Ahem. To add. I get "randy* as well before my period.


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