Monday, March 14, 2011
Whisky. It's The Only Answer.
I heard you had a really hard day. Actually, if I were to put it poetically, I'd say your day was the ICING on the CRAP CAKE. Har har, I'm a card, aren't I? What I was told is that first of all, your weekend sucked. Is "sucked" a good enough word? Or do you prefer "bit" or "blew?" Well, whatever word you choose, it was all one big rotten casserole of badness.
Yes, I know: your son developed some new and alarming tics over the weekend. You went right off the deep end and did the worst thing possible: you hit the INTERNET. Don't you know that as far as the NET is concerned, all roads lead to THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO??? So, within the span of a few hours, you'd flip-flopped from PANDAS (and not the cute, furry kind) to St. Vitus Dance! Hoo boy, that's quite the journey! Anxiety much? Sorry, I shouldn't poke fun. Children are truly terrifying. That's why I'm glad that I'm just a little old libation.
And today? WHOO BOY! Now that was really something! Let me get this straight: one member of your family suddenly feels dizzy every time she stands up, and the docs haven't found out what's wrong yet...another family member has a cyst on her tail bone that just became EXCRUCIATING in the past few days, and today she was at the hospital having it sliced, and ANOTHER member of your family just got a phone call today from his doctor urging him to go to the hospital to get treated for a BLOOD CLOT IN THE LUNG???
DING, DING, JACKPOT?!?
Girlfriend, quite frankly, that's ENOUGH.
Now listen, it's March Break. So tonight, after the kids go to bed, you bring the ice and Coke, and I'll bring my marvelous self.
You've earned it.