Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Wonderful, Magical Armpits

 I have a new love in my life:


It is RIGHT ON, people!  I wish I could compose a poem right now about how magnificent my pits are.  Some of you may recall how I made my second attempt ever at waxing the little dickens before I went away to Florida (if not, you can read about that HERE).  The first attempt (years ago) was a disaster, but like I said, you can read about that HERE

The second attempt was much more successful, but so mother-trucking painful, I should have had a leather strap to bite on while I RIPPITY RIPPED THOSE HARS off.  No, HARS is not a typo.  That's what you have to call them when they're so, so ugly, and armpit HARS are not to be confused with that stuff on top of your head, that you work hard to turn into a sexy, smooth, silky, smellin'-good dome of perfection, instead of the bird's nest it actually wants to be. 

So, after many hair-free, glorious smooth-pit days, when the hars finally did start to grow back, I decided THAT'S IT--I'm NOT returning to my MAN-PIT days.  No.  I had an image stuck in my brain of all the Hollywood bombshells of bygone days, with an arm behind their head, and the most beatific underarm shining white, dry and smooth--the likes of which only an ANGEL would have.  And that armpit never, ever, ever had ANY sign of five o'clock shadow.  Or razer burn.  NO, it looked like hair had never ever even grown there in the first place. 

And damn it, I wanted that!

Of course, the best way to have a really successful waxing session is to grow that hair out good and long first.  THAT'S WHEN THE FUN BEGINS!  I won a pit hair competition with my sister some friend of mine!  She hadn't shaved hers for a mere few days.  Little did she know what she was up against.  Yeah, that was good, but the best part was when I rubbed  my super fuzzy pit on the foreheads of my horrified, screeching children, all the while laughing hysterically, and urging them to love it, as they would a small, delightful animal.  Oh come on, they were laughing too, and I don't think I've scarred them for life. 

So, it was  Friday night, and what else is there to do on a Friday night?  EXACTLY!  LET'S WAX SOME PITS!!!  I YANKED!   I RIPPED!  I PULLED THAT STRIP OFF!  With each RRRRIIIIIPPPP!!!  I could feel the POWER, and I could feel a new love for pain:  pain that ends in RESULTS

The Man came upstairs to put Ella to bed.

Me:  "look at my PIT!  Gaze upon THE PIT OF SUCCESS!!!"

The Man:  *WINCE*!!  Scrunches up face, and head tries to retreat into shoulders.  Sharp intake of breath.  "Oooo!  It's BLEEDING!"

Me:  rolling eyes at his silly, WEAK, male-ness.  "It's not BLEEDING.  It's just little broken blood spots.  You know; like when you're playing volleyball that first time, bounce the ball off your forearms, and get all those little broken blood vessel dots." 

the Man:  "it looks SORE."

Pfft.  What does he know. 

Then I spent the next fifteen minutes admiring them. Stroking them like they were my two new babies.  I feel like touching them even now.  They are, quite simply, a wonder

When I finally came downstairs, I told The Man; "tomorrow, after I've shaved off the superficial hairs that the wax strip can never get, I'm going to make you touch my pit, and you will know THE POWER." 

He just shook his head in that long suffering way.

Some people will just NEVER get it.  I wish all of you could feel my pits too.  They are scrumptious. 

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  2. if only waxing could also change the smell to peaches and cream. or fresh lilacs. or buttery nipples. the drink, of course.

  3. yeah, Sherilin, that would be nice. I've tried so hard to not used traditional alluminum filled antiperspirants, but nothing else keeps the stank away :(

  4. Karen you do beat all.

    You should have an armpit party.
    I don't know if I could reduce my apathy towards my own armpits enough to torture myself.

    I am not sure at this point on the calendar if it is worth the screaming pain if all I am going to do is put on a sweater...maybe the wax will rip out some gland so you don't smell much, would that not be the bomb of life!

    Karen YOU are a braver soul than I am!

  5. Brave, Melissa, or CRAZY?!? That is the question. Still, I just felt my underarms and they are still smooth, and I waxed them into submission on Friday. And don't worry if you put a sweater over them--it's like you've got a gorgeous secret underneath! It was very satisfying.

  6. an armpit party would be HILARIOUS. Total laughter therapy!

  7. i would giddily attend the armpit party. maybe we could come up with some special food too.
    and about your comment on the stupid zhu zhu noses, yes, that's the one downfall of working with them. i have to try stuff on them all the time while sewing & i always managed to push at least one of their three buttons, causing them to chatter & sing, annoying me as i try to dress them like fancy lil drag queens.

  8. lol...see? Those are the yappiest things (beside my daughter) around.

    Oo...what kind of snacks would go at an armpit! I know! WHISKY!

  9. And this entry pushes your blog to #259. Maybe you could waxaway the 258 dirty HARS ahead of you...

  10. Yeah, who knows where I'll be tomorrow. When I hit the "top 200" I think that's when things start to get think...

    and then new people will log in and see my armpit post, scream, and run away. Hee hee.

  11. they may scream. they may run away. but they will come back. repeatedly.

  12. I can't believe you did it yourself?
    Wow you go girl!!

  13. Well, that's the hope anyway, Matt. Hee hee.

  14. well, either way Pam--it's pain, but if I'm doing it myself, I know exactly when the pain will happen.


I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.


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