Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Butt Wipe: Something To Consider

People, you are awesome.  You've already stopped using FABRIC SOFTENER, because it's stupid, useless, and just one more pollutant we pour into our WATER.   You don't use that coloured wrapping paper nearly as much as you used to.  Now you use re-useable gifty bags or RECYCLABLE BROWN KRAFT PAPER.  Fantastic!  You do lots of little things to show that you still give a crap about the Earth, and that you're not a total environmental douche.  See, that makes me all warm and fuzzy. 

Here's another nice thing you can do for the planet:  switch to ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY TOILET PAPER!

Image from HERE

Okay, don't make that face at me.  Do you really, really need "cottony softness" on your ass?  Do you need to feel like you're wiping yourself with a baby blanket?  No.  Do you ever use cheaper toilet paper and get a rash?  I doubt it. 

The great marketing masterminds of evil, want us to comfort and pamper ourselves in everything we do.  Our clothes can't just be clean, they have to be like a snuggy, perfumed blanky.  Our toilet paper can't just be useful, it has to hug our little bum bums. 

Okay, but remember:  I never use fabric softener anymore.  Never.  I don't want to spend the money on it.  I don't want to pour more chemicals in the water.  I also hang my laundry out on the clothesline as much as possible.  And guess what:  I never put on a shirt, wince, and say; "ooooo, this is hurting my baby fine skin!" 

Here's a link to an interesting article about the toilet paper vs environment. Stop groaning, it's not boring!  We're not back in some heinous highschool class again, we're sitting at our computers with hot, steaming, scrumptious beverages. 

Green Toilet Paper Buying Guide: Be Kind to Your Behind vs. Hug a Tree?

So how does THIS grab you:

From "Toilet Paper And The Environment"

How many trees can we save if we switched to recycled toilet paper?

"According to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), the United States could save 470,000 trees, 1.2 million feet of cubic landfill space, and 169 million gallons of water if everyone in the US traded one roll of regular toilet paper for a recycled roll. That’s just for one roll. Imagine if we all made the permanent switch to recycled toilet paper!"

What--you still want your pillow-soft, triple ply butt wipe???  You're not convinced that you can live with recycled toilet paper?  Oh COME ON--it's not like you're wiping your ass with a page out of the Sears catalogue! 

I have my own highly scientific observations about conventional toilet paper vs environmental.  We always use the environmental stuff here.  Ditto for paper towels.  One night I was out shopping for a few items and remembered we needed more butt wad.  The store I was in sold NO environmentally friendly toilet paper.  They did, however, have a nice sale on a name brand

Ya dig?

so, because I was feeling particularly burnt out that night, I thought what the hell--one package of name brand toilet paper won't make me evil. 

Well, it sure did feel luxurious compared to my regular toilet paper.  Supposedly, because it was thicker and "more absorbant," we, in theory, could use less squares.  However, if you're a human, you're probably programmed to use a certain amount of squares whenever you go to the can, and can't reprogram yourself to use less.  So, no savings there. 

ALSO, my children, who are in the early years of wiping their own bums, use INSANE AMOUNTS OF TOILET PAPER when they go to the bathroom.  Yes, I've had discussions, demonstrations, tutorials on bum wiping with them.  Still, when Jack heads to the can, unfortunately you can almost guarantee a half roll will disappear in one "sitting."  So wipe his bum for him, and save some paper, you say?  HELL NO.  Any good mother knows that once a kid starts doing stuff for himself, no matter how poorly he does it, you can NEVER GO BACK IN TIME and be helpful again. Har har. 

So, like I said, the kids use STUPID amounts of toilet paper (and still have skidmark underwear...go figure).  In my c.1928 house, we have some crazy, archaic plumbing system.  Let me try to explain it as simply as possible:  the plumbing pipes come down through the house to the basement into a HOLE in the floor.  The water then flows off perpendicular-ish to...hell?  The city sewer system?  Seriously, it's confounding. 

Anyhoo, recall that nice 12 pack of deluxe butte wadde I purchased from that BAD, BAD STORE:  the plumbing backed up 4 TIMES during the use of that toilet paper.  And by this, I mean, ACTUAL TURDS OVERLOWED ONTO THE BASEMENT FLOOR.  Yeah, that's right.  The Man was down there FOUR TIMES scraping turds back down into that hole (here's the part where I could rant about SOMEONE never DEALING with things, and NOT CALLING A PLUMBER, like he said he would OVER A YEAR ago, but I won't go into THAT NOW). 

The pipes NEVER have never overflowed when we use the environmentally friendly toilet paper.  We even had to call some guy to come roto rooter his way through that gloopy toilet paper mess. 

So, if deluxe toilet paper noticeably (turds on the basement floor people.  HUMAN turds) gums up our crazy, old fashioned plumbing system, what does it do everywhere else?!?

To me, it's worth the small, extra cost. 

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  1. i don't think i'm tough enough for the scratchy enviro booty wiping. not only do we like the soft stuff, we like to use the wet wipes too to keep us minty fresh between showers. and if i could order up a baby blankie with which to wipe, i probably would.
    but i skip the fab softner & just use the dryer bar. so not rinsing down the drain pipe. better?
    can you still love me?

  2. Yeah I'm with you but my hubby has to have that softness stuff...i will convert him if it kills me.
    I cannot wait to have a clothesline again!!!! Oh how i love love a clothesline!!!
    You know what kills me especially here in tree hugging BC that they have strata title neighbourhoods where you can't have a clothesline??? What the F$%^&?
    Do you believe that? Someone might get offended seeing undies on the line?
    Do you use the dryer bar?

  3. Oh Sherilin, you're so funny, and I appreciate your honesty. The enviro stuff is not bad when you're used to it! I will admit if you go to someone's house and they've got the quilted super soft stuff, my brain will always say; "OOOO!" but I can't figure out why I care?!?

    Minty fresh. Har har har. Yeah, I love the baby wipes too.

  4. the dryer bar? Is that the thing you stick inside your dryer and just leave it there? Nah, I don't use any fabric softener at all. You know, one day I washed my flannel sheets (with a teeny bit of bleach--bad karen, bad!) and hung them out on the line to dry, and they smelled SO GOOD, i nearly fainted.

    Yes, I've heard of those neighbourhoods that won't let you hang a clothesline up. I would think it would be a beautiful, encouraging sight: oh look, more and more people care about the environment! That's what I'd think.

    Well Pam, if you want to convert your hubby, just tell him for the next couple of purchases that there was an UNBELIEVABLE SALE on the other stuff, so how could you resist?

    I got used to it. I don't think about it now. Besides, after the "good stuff" totally clogged our old pipes, I was mildly horrified.

  5. Hoo boy--this is funny! I see the peeps aren't touching the environmentally friendly toilet paper idea with a ten foot pole eh!? VERY INTERESTING

  6. 1. This is the second post on poop/pooping I've read today. I'm not sure what that says about me.

    2. I cannot deal with downmarket toilet paper. I go to the bathroom about 11,305 times a day, and my nether regions can't handle it.

    3. I am sorry than you can know that you had poop coming out of the hole to hell into your basement 4 times. Wow.

  7. yeah, that's some kind of EXCITING PLUMBING, NO? Aw--sniff. I'm beating a dead horse with recyclable tp then? OH well. But what if it toughens up the parts? Huh? Huh? Isn't THAT appealing? Ah, I guess not.

  8. ok i will shell out the extra for the 'green't.p.BUT if it feels like the brown sheeties we had in grade school, its all over!

  9. LOL PAULA!! No, no paper product could ever feel that bad.

    Hooray for Paula!! Hooray! My day is complete :)


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