Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I Can't Believe I'm Telling This Story

It's funny:  when I'm by myself in my crappy little green car, I swear like a sailor.  I appreciate the crude, the irreverent, and the gross:  zit humour, barf humour, poop humour, immaturity--I love it all.  But, I don't do fart humour for some reason.  I don't know why.  I'm not a prude, nor am I a princess (no wait--I kinda am. Whatevs), but I am the type of curmudgeon who laments that fart jokes have made their way into TV land.  I want to spout out crap like; "when I WAS A KID, they never talked about farts on TV!" 

I certainly find it as funny as the next person.  I still tell the story about the lady in my pilates class a year or two ago now, who blew one right in the middle of doing some kinda sit-up stretch.  Sure, I wanted to laugh--so did a lot of people.  I laughed when my disgusting brother crammed the stuffed skunk toy my little sister had made in home-ec up against his butt and blew one into it.  I didn't laugh when he did that to my bed pillow (which, by the way, really held the stank in).  I kinda thought it was funny when little Ella RIPPED ONE OFF in the walk-in-clinic's waiting room, but I had to act disapproving, because hey, we're not total animals I think.   

However, when Ms. Sherilin at Laughing My Abs Off presented me with this grotesque award, and I learned that I had to tell a fart story, I felt a little daunted.  But then, this little voice inside me said; "SUCK IT UP, PRINCESS, YOU LURV A CHALLENGE." 

Okay, this may be the first and last time you'll  hear me tell a gaseous story about myself.  It casts me in an even worse light than my freaking double chin does. OH well...let 'er rip...

Back in my early 20's, when I was merely DATING The Man, I had a huge, huge phobia of farting in front of him.  Huge.  But, what happens when you go on a date out for dinner, and eat a huge meal?  You blow up like a BALLOON.  So, often I'd be at his little university boy room with him, with my stomach booping and bonging, and I'd laugh and say; "tee hee, I guess I'm still hungry!", pathetically trying to pass the heinous noises off as hunger growls. 

Hungry, my ass. 

The first time we went away together, was to Las Vegas.  We were 24 or 25.  First of all people, what does an airplane ride do to your guts?  Fills them with AIR.  So, after getting off the plane and checking in to our hotel room, we hit the strip.  We were so excited when we saw the sign "HALF POUND HOT DOG AND SODA $1.99"  Wow!  Did we split one though?  No, we were idiots.  We got one each.  What does a half pound of hot dogs equal?  Six?!?  Well, it's a FREAKING LOT.  Neither of us could finish it.  But what does one do on vacation?  THEY EAT.  The food was fantastic.  The dinners were huge.  We had sweetie buns for breakfast one morning.  What does all this do to the stomach? 

Well, mine was getting worse and worse and worse.  I was desperately trying to pound back the anti-gas tablets, but my system really just wanted to get rid of all that WIND.  The Man, however, seemed to be in no discomfort at all.  Perhaps this is because boys can take a crap ANYWHERE:  at work, at the Wal of Evil, at the freaking grocery store, and never be embarrassed.  I probably had POOP STAGE FRIGHT, and was unable to go, while I desperately tried to maintain my sexy girlfriend image. 
It was getting worse and worse.  I could hardly sleep at night.  One night, while drifting off on my stomach, one SQUEAKED OUT, and I was so mortified I couldn't really fall back to sleep after that. 

Finally things came to a head one day when I went to use the bathroom to pee:

Mortified.  Totally mortified.  I just sat there on the can in silence.

Then The Man started singing; 

"Getting to KNOW YOU, getting to KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU!" 
Then he laughed and laughed. 

I laughed too, but I also kinda wanted to cry.


I couldn't care less.  Let's give a big hand to the end of romance!  Har har. 

Okay, I'm supposed to pass this on to 5 people, but since I never play by the rules, I'm just gonna pass this off to my homegirl B. at Say YES or else!!!


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  1. I got nothing to comment except to say that I would die if that happened to me. How did you not take a razor and end it all right there in that bathroom?
    Your Friend, m.

  2. That is the worst? Karen I think you forgot how hard it is when during sex you try so hard to keep the fart in, but, in essence need to relax to enjoy the act, and then POOFFF FART>>>Way to ruin the moment. THAT IS THE WORST.

  3. yay, you participated! isn't that first fart the worst? the first time i farted around chris when we were dating, i actually farted straight up his ASS! he sat on my butt to be funny & tickle me. i couldn't control my sphincter muscle & let it rip. now that was embarrassing!
    how funny that you do poop & puke humor, but not gas humor. i wonder if i'll ever outgrow bathroom funnies.
    melissa is cracking me up with her sex fart!

  4. That is so funny, I was really scared to fart in front of my now husband and he thought for awhile that I was lying when I said, "oh I just did one!" but now he knows the real me and with the pregnancy - LOOK OUT, farts are on the loose! haha (sorry I know you don't like fart jokes but I couldn't help myself!)

  5. I agree that we men can poop or piss anywhere. I once shit at the Louvre. At the time that just struck me as really funny.

  6. Congrats on your award! Nothing worse then the "first fart". I believe the first time I did we were wrestling in the living room floor and I let it rip.

    new follower

  7. Oh Mark, you naughty thing. I should have passed this award on to you!

  8. Yeah, Melissa, that does top mine, certainly. That brings to mind a story so heinous, I could never ever tell it. It's along the same lines, but must be kept in the vault forever.

  9. yeah, I don't know why either Sherilin. I guess even creeps like me have to draw the line somewhere, har har. Yes, the first one is BRUTAL, and yours must have been muchos embarrassing for you. It's because we all wanted to be little pretty sex objects, but after going through labour in front of your partner, that's pretty much all done.

  10. yes Jd, it is indeed true: PREGNANCY IS VERY hard on the digestive system!!!! So is losing one's gall bladder at first, p.s.

  11. Your words say hate, but your comment reeks of secret love. Just say yes to farting???

  12. dbs, somehow it sounds artistic rather than crude. Men--so comfortable.

  13. Congrats on my award...yeah, it's a good one. Thanks Miss Rosie! Rabid blogger that I am, I spotted you right away :) Thanks for following and adding to the fun! So much for sexy wrestling, no?

  14. Cannot believe how awesome this story is - thumbs up to The Man on this one! May I? I knew the relationship was doomed - but he sealed the end with his squeezed cheeks: legs crossed, telling some dumb a$# story the fart was SOOOOO looooooooooonnnnngg and sooooo obnoxious is sounded like the wooden chair was going to burn. He kept on talking like it wasn't STILL HAPPENING! so I said, "And you're really just going to sit there and pretend you didn't just burn on a stain on your a-hole? Oh, pleeez!" I'd stay with a true love who could rip it in stride, but true to form this pretender was FULL of hot air.

  15. wow...i am an ibs sufferer...i know that big bloated belly thing...i loved your story...found you over at danieles blog and thought id come and say

  16. you guys are doing better than me, my hubby did not hear even the faintest toot for years! i think it is like saying'i love you' the first few are a big deal, but after that it becomes i just tee hee,all cutie like.

  17. I have thankfully never been in that situation. Meaning I never fart or poop.

    Oh. Wait. I mean that I fart and poop ALL THE TIME and it's never been an issue for me. Thankfully, I have no shame.

  18. Good story Christina. I can think of an idiot I dated who ripped one off in front of me and I was just disgusted.

  19. Hi Mandy, yes, we were having a little convo at Daniele's...anyhow thanks for stopping by! I still get that bloated stomach toward the end of the day. I start out all sexy and smaller in the morning, but by evening--super fat.

  20. ha ha ha keep on tee-heeing then. It's much better to be comfortable. Imagine having to start out with a new partner and having to go through that old facade all over again! Exhausting.

  21. You're better off having no shame. It's LIBERATING. Someone I know has inlaws who say simply; "it's a normal bodily function," and let it rip wherever they are...but they never laugh at it! ALIENS!!!

  22. hehehehe... So funny. I have no fart issues. As a dear friend of me once LIED, "I never fart!" Lies.. filthy lies.

    The movies... the movies KILL my stomach. All that eating junk and SITTING in the same damn position for 2 plus hours... undo that top button I say! Then wait till I get in the car. I moan and groan on the way home that my stomach feels rank. Then I blow a few big ones and feel much better. Ahhhh.

  23. Aimee, that was a lovely, touching story. The movies eh--I would say the same about any wedding dinners. Brutal torture on the guts.

  24. I'm back from no social media during Lent, and THIS is the first story I read. Hmmm. The literature is full of hot air, it would seem.

    Btw, I need to remind you again that in high school you used to say that you NEVER farted, and we would joke that you had a special organ inside your body that would absorb the gas. Creative. We were very creative back then.

    Anyhoo, I'll catch up by saying a belated Happy Birthday to you Karen. Hope you had a good one. (you'll forgive me if I don't go through all your archive of entries to find out directly).

    Talk with you soon.

  25. the girl who cant even leave her name on this one ;)April 22, 2011 at 9:08 PM

    Aim...I believe your friend said she couldnt fart on command...unlike her gross farty friends hahaha
    okay, deep it goes ( or went!!)
    right after i had my gallbladder out, my tummy, well, had no clue what to do with the food i was stuffing into it. One day about 2 months after the surgery, i went with some friends to pizza pizza. We decided then to go back to a friends house...all was great until oh no...turns out my stomache wasnt a fan the pizza...i felt the rumbling...3 other people in the car...okay I can handle this...oh it going to be a fart? Or am i going to crap my pants...eeekk...what to do..okay the car ride is only a few more minutes...i can hold all of this in...until we get there....we start driving down the hill adn then BAM! stopped by construction...OMG! I was starting to shake and sweat! it was I thought okay, just let a "bit" out...and the stink!! still stopped by the flag guy...i rolled down the window hoping no one would notice...they all did, blaming it on one of the guys who was sitting in the back seat (poor guy) I was dying...we finally go through, but i couldnt hold it any longer as we pulled in the driveway...oh i cant even continue...
    sigh...infront of everyone....teh loudest bad.
    I was 18 at the time, yet i still cringe when i think of this time

  26. Yay! Matt's back! It sucked that you were gone, but at least your charming WOMAN didn't abandon me--SNIFF! Yeah, I dno't really remember saying that in highschool, but I remember you teasing me about it.

    Okay, you don't have to go through all the posts you've missed, but just take a look at "it's the weekend b*tches", because I really put my heart into that one. Har har har...
    Happy belated bday to you too!

  27. Dear anonymous girl (hee hee), what I now realise is that ther are a percentage of people who get their gallbladders yanked out who suffer from some severe intestinal distress. Did you know there's an actual post-gallbladder-removal special diet? Yes, it avoid such EVIL EVIL food as BROCCOLI (created by satan), among other things.

    What a pitiful story. So mortifying when you're at the "I'm young and HAWT" age.

  28. ack! My friend! I remember that story... ba-hahaha. I'm not laughing AT you... not exactly that is. It's so mortifying. Especially at that age. Now, I could care less. Let er rip. Ffffeeerrrrrup

  29. yeah, with age comes fart freedom apparently.

  30. Somehow I missed this post. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, because I don't like gassy humor either.

    But did I laugh? Oh yes, I did. Nothing like sharing a tiny hotel room. My hubs and I were in Mexico a couple years ago, and when the guy showed us to our room, we discovered the bathroom had no door, and not only that, the walls didn't extend up to the ceiling. It was like a little spiral, and in the center was the toilet, sink and shower. AND, the walls were made of stone, so it was all echoey. I was like, um, hell no. Find us a room where the bathroom is enclosed please.

  31. That's okay that you missed it, Vesta. I'm still disappointed in myself for even putting it out there. Ah well, it was a meme thingy and a challenge at that.

    Your Mexico story is hilarious--the walls of the bathroom didn't even go up to the ceiling! I'm trying to picture it, but it just looks like my version of hell.


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