Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

karen The Five Thousand Year Old Woman

Oh the bags under my eyes. 

Last night, after much coercing, coaxing and cajoling, I joined a group of girlfriends for a bachelorette party night on the town.  There are, IMMEDIATELY, at least two problems with this: 

1) my new, preferred bed time is 10:30.  Teeth brushed, face washed, recently purchased wrinkle cream lovingly applied, jammies, bed-time socks, etc. 

2) deviating from routine now causes anxiety.  Yeah, I know--mild OCD.  We've been over this. 

However, the girls were persistant.  Plus, The Man kept saying stupid, positive things like; "you should go!  You'll have fun!"  "You should go!  You'll have fun!"  "You should go!  You'll have fun!" 

Sigh.  I caved in.  I even found a shirt that (I thought) cleverly concealed the body that might as well be a billboard SHRIEKING


Yay me.  So, all of my girlfriends gathered first for drinks, snacks and gossip.  All of them were wearing SKINNY JEANS.  Me?  I don't even bother trying skinny jeans on in stores, because I don't need to lower my self esteem that much.  Okay, who cares.  They've all had just one child, and my body was still good after having Jack, aside from the obligatory JELLY BELLY.  No worries karen, you can rock your wide-legged jeans.  Second, all of the girls were wearing funky black leather boots.  Who cares that I was wearing my favourite bo-ho wedgy-ish sandals.  I'm an INDIVIDUAL, right?  Also, there's that matter of the purse.  I'm the only idiot with her little purse on with the strap crossed between my boobers, because a strap will NEVER FREAKING STAY UP ON THESE SLOPING SHOULDERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 

Let's back up here a moment. 

When the stay-at-home mom is forced to go out for a girlie/fancy/formal event, chances are she will mildly panic.  Why?  Because she no longer has the appropriate clothes.  Yes, she has a hoody in every colour of the rainbow.  Yes, she has some comfortable, shlumpy jeans, that are slightly stylish, but they're a little frayed on the bottom from never having the time or inclination to hem them (stupid short legs).  Yes, she has a really cool pair of running shoes, because after dropping the little people at school, she goes for a power walk every day.  No, she never rolls up to the school wearing high heels, fancy clothes and too much makeup because she'd LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. 

So, what I'm saying here is that I'm fairly out of touch.  But whatever.  Mostly I've evolved beyond that highschoolish paranoia of image. I style myself to please myself, do up some killer makeup, adjust my scarecrow hair, smell PHENOMENAL, and off I go. 

After being forced to put on some "Mardi Gras beads", a pink button that says "princess", and a glow bracelet, and receiving a drinking straw with a little penis and scrotum on it (sigh), I tried to plead to the girls that all this fun bachelorette gear was like putting on a uniform that told everyone:  "Hi, I'm a COUGAR," but they just laughed, so I decided to be a good sport. 

And so we headed out on the town...

I have to admit: I kinda LURV the button

and ended up at a bar/dance club that was FILLED with gorgeous 20-somethings.  The girls behind the bar, were wearing STRIPPER CLOTHES to showcase their unbelievable bodies, with their glowing, un-stretched skin.  You know, unbelievable pairings of thongs with pants that have little cut-outs to show case the bum-bum.  But the girls on the dance floor were the best.  Question:  DOES EVERY YOUNG WOMAN HAVE A FREAKING SKIN-TIGHT MINI DRESS? 

Kill me now.  GET GRAMMA HER WHISKY!!! 

I have come to realise something:  yes, it's fun to go out with the girls.  However, bars are not my thang any longer.  By 1:30 in the MOTHERF*#&ING A.M. I had had enough.  Enough THUMP THUMP THUMPTHUMPTHUMP noise, enough drinky-drinks that weren't even giving me a decent buzz anyway (sniff!), enough girls in tight little dresses with super high heeled shoes, enough being moved out of the way like I was a human box, and enough questioning my own hawtness. 

Because, for a 5000 year old woman, most of the time I feel okay.  And people, I'm not kidding when I say I always smell PHENOMENAL. 

Still, I have GOT to peel the shrink wrap off that yoga DVD. 

Be a DEAR and click this linky here for me, won't you?  Mama has a hangover. 
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  1. OH Karen i can so relate!
    I never like those type of bars even in my 20's! My friends would all go OTR and i would go home . The odd time I would go...(saw Pete a few times) but I much perferred bars that had rock bands. I never felt in place with the" barbie look at me" girls.
    My bedtime is 9pm ha!

    I have learned after 44yrs to stay clear of places or people that make me feel crappy!

    I am just starting to get my wardrobe back in the groove!

  2. I can relate too!! I always tell my husband I am way too old (at 33) to be out with those 20-something, young whipper-snappers!! Oh and I hate skinny jeans, my body has been stretch-marked and out of shape for years and I haven't had my baby yet!! (preggers now)
    Don't worry, I understand and my bedtime pre-pregnancy was 10 pm at the latest, now it can be as early as 8:30 pm!! ugh! :)

  3. Damn--you are so right Pam, and for the most part, that is what I do: steer clear! However, it was nice to go for my friends. But oh, me so tired today. I liked how you said your wardrobe is JUST getting back in the groove. Hopefully mine will do the same!

  4. Aw, Jd--how are you feeling these days? I have to read your latest post. I read the one about your scary neighborhood visitors...

    Anyhoo, I should start a club where you have to be 30 MINIMUM to get in. But then, if we're all hitting the sack by 10, maybe it wouldn't be too popular.

  5. ugh! that would make me want to crawl under a rock and shout for the whiskey[and i dont even drink].it may make you feel better if you know that they all want what you have, a man,some kiddies,and a nice house,the trampy clothes are their way to get to this goal.hey they might as well enjoy the hot little bods now, 'cause we all know it is all over after the kiddies arrive!

  6. Paula, that is an excellent observation! The proffered image is their means to an end! Hmph! That IS comforting actually. Yeah, I know those days of the hot bod are numbered but I still don't want to be in a whole room of them!

  7. i did the bachelorette party last spring with some foxy young friends & i was glad i had my chubby 30 something friend with me. we stayed in a corner & drank more than we should have while watching the hootchies in the butt-out pants dance around & do body shots. and i sort of ached for the days when i used to be those girls, but i also loved the fact that i actually feel good about myself now & don't have to always wonder if i'm good enough. her body might look better than mine, but my life is stable & my man loves my fat ass. =)

  8. yay for Sherilin! Yeah, it's true that at this age we're in a more comfortable place than in those
    20's, yes? I feel sexier now, and then I see the pics that were taken of the evening and think: "WHA?!? STILL CHUBBY?" Oh well girlfriend, too bad you weren't there, we could have been SITTING DOWN all night like civilized adults :)

  9. This was fahking great.

    I see myself and my sister (she's married with two kids and has the rainbow of hoodies) in this post.

    I say kudos for going out and giving it yer all.

    I'm 30 and feel ridiculous in those bars. I squeeze my ever-expanding ass into skinny jeans because I finally feel comfortable wearing trendy-ish stuff (but mostly because it is MORE flattering, strangely, than a flared out leg the same width as my ass).

    Added bonus- boots over skinny-legged jeans means no destroying the hem any more. No stains, no snow, no salt, no fraying.

    So I shamefully go into tween stores like garage and squeeze my butt into their largest size of skinny jeans.

    And I actually feel better once I'm wearing 'em.

    Mind you, once there are kids?

    No. effing. way.

    You are awesome for rocking your individualism. And for making it sound so funny.



  10. Thanks Stephanie C! And thanks for joining the group of buddies here :) Yeah, I had no clue before going out what the hell footwear is cool these days, because I'm braindead, and totally forgot about FUNKY BOOTS. However, that brings me back to my original conundrum: skinny jeans. Hey--do they make skinny jeans that have a waist that comes up just below my hoots? Because if so, it's doable!

  11. ah, I just walk past Garage now and hang my head in shame. Hee hee...

  12. I haven't laughed this hard in weeks! Go YOU! This would have been the best Absolutely Fabulous episode ever. I'm seeing a cross between abfab and A Night at the Roxbury - with da' ladies.

  13. Karen, its Linda,,,,, you are freakin hilarious!!! we got home after 330am.. ya thats right I hit the hay and say 345am.
    Well I'll see you for some more drinking this weekend coming up!
    love ya, Lin oxooxox

  14. oh been there done that.

    I can't talk above the music.
    I don't want to drink till I am pissed.

    I don't know anyone.

    I didn't like the music.
    I don't dance, because I have never felt good enough.

    The last time I went to a bar was on my 30th birthday, and my only fun was throwing celery across the room and it landed on some guys head.

    OH wait, I did go out, again somewhere around the age 35, and watched my best friends boyfriend get so pissed drunk he could not even talk, let alone stand...ya fun times.

  15. I voted for your blog because you're so freaking funny! I'm with you, I can't get into skinny jeans though my stupid head thinks I can. Stupid head.

  16. thanks Christina, one has to find the humour in their suffering when surrounded by girls in tight dresses.

  17. Lin! 3:45! Oh my god, you girls are rock stars--and there's me, practically RUNNING for a cab once I realised it was almost 1:30! HA HA HA HA HA! I'm only a little bit ashamed. No wonder you had a rough morning! Oh well, see you this weekend, party girl!

  18. Melissa, your celery comment is my official LOL of the day. That is awesome. Yeah, I'll go to another club, but only if they don't allow the 20 somethings in!

  19. thanks Clarissa! OH well, your stupid head is at least more optimistic than mine. I've never even tried them on!

  20. I try avoid anywhere that involves me putting on something I couldn't wear to the grocery store. Do you wear heels to the grocery store? Well, only in Los Angeles. I don't blame you, but you're not out of the times. It's like that Sex and the City episode, not to be cliche. Just remember- the 20 somethings never win :)

  21. Do I wear heels go the grocery store?!? HELLZ NO!! Good lord--with THESE spatula feet?!? Oh wait, not everyone is aware of how my feet lengthened slightly and widened after weighing a TON whilst pregnant.

    Yeah, the 20 somethings may not win, but damn they look good while they lose.

    Thank you for stopping in, I appreciate it :)

  22. I am ready to open a club for people like us.

    The music won't be super loud. The drinks are actual booze. The people are wearing nice clothes, but nothing super tight or bindy.

    Oh, and it's open from 4-9pm. With lots of seating, because who can stand up for that long?

  23. It's funny: you just outlined EVERYTHING I'd like in MY kind of club. Everything. 4 til 9. You're a total freaking hoot

  24. between you and Sherilin right now, I think I officially just peed my pants! Thanks Gamma! I'll go get your whisky!

    YOu are so freaking funny it is killing me! And you're dead on. I also have every color of hoodie, comfy running shoes, kinda ok jeans ... I am scared to death to go out near 20 somethings, and truly, I would just rather be in bed!

  25. well, I'd just rather be in bed right now too! Yeah, I kind of think of those hoodies, etc, as part of the MOM UNIFORM. I'm wearing a hot pink hoody right now. So sad.


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