Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sometimes Nature Kinda Sucks

Me so tired.

Me have so many dishes to wash. 

Me.  Me.  Me.


This afternoon we went for a super tedious family ADVENTURE, and did a totally harrowing nature walk down a really precarious, slippy-rocky area of the escarpment.  As usual, it was super duper fun getting the kids ready to go. 

Ella:  "I DON'T WANNA go there!  Do they have toys there?"

Me: "No."

Ella:  "do they have games for kids there?"

Me:  "No."

Ella:  "do they have CANDIES there??!?"

Me:  "No."

Ella:  "Well, what can we get there?"

Me:  "Fresh air!  And it's FREE!" 

As if she gives a crap. 

Jack was even more fun:  he wailed, cried, lamented, pleaded, dished out a steaming helping of verbal abuse, and chinned The Man and I a few times (chinning = digging bony little chin into sensitive forearms.  It's our verb.  We invented it.  Lick it, stick, stamp it, no erasies).

So, once there, I realised that I've lost 98% of my sense of adventure (ie; my backbone), if indeed I ever had any at all.  It was steep, treacherous, and there were lots of wobbly rocks underfoot.  In some spots it was muddy (yeah, okay.  If you have no treads on your running shoes, and you're heading downhill, that IS something to think about). 

There were a few random turds on the path at one point (Ella stepped in one), and WORST, WORST, WORST of all--a FREAKING BAT swooping over one section of the path. 

"OH MY GOD," I said; "if that thing flies into my head, I'm going to lose it."

The Man:  "that's a myth."

Me:  "no, I'm not talking about that urban legend about how bats will get tangled in your hair.  I know that's a myth.  I'm literally talking about it flying into my head.  My head is a large object, and a big target." 

Jack:  "what's a bat?"

Me:  "a mouse with wings." 

Jack:  "UHH!  UHHHH!  I DON'T LIKE IT!"  that's my boy! Sniff! 

The Man:  "why?  it's NEAT!"

Me (muttering):  "like hell"

Ella:  "I like the bat!" 

Then we got to a point that was finally FLAT, where we could see the river racing lustily along below.  Of course, The Man and Jack had to go stand right by the edge of the CLIFF, while I did the panicky mom dance a good ten feet away from them.

Then Jack was done with the whole shmoz.   So, back up we went.  Why was I such a panicky idiot?  I'd been down this nature trail plenty of times in my life.  However, I'd never been with THE KIDS.  ONE OF THE KIDS, NAMELY, THE GIRL KID is extremely clumsy.  Also, I hate heights.  Also, let's just put this out there:  I don't like nature.  Let me clarify:  I like trees, and plants, and rocks with moss, and all things beautiful and organic, but I do NOT like muck, turds, ANY BUGS (even those stupid lady bugs that people are always trying to convince me are CUTE, when I KNOW they look like this: 

SHUDDDDDDDDER...just what I thought--heebyjeeby city.

DITTO for butterflies, naive humans.

So, we made the slow clamber back up to the top, and all the while, I had to drag not only my own poundage, but my girlie, who I was too paranoid to NOT help her up all those rock steps. 

Oh, and the best part was when we walked through that spot again with the psychotic bat!  You think I'm being melodramatic?  Well, I felt the little f$cker whiz right overtop my head.  Yeah, I felt the little breeze.  Nightmarish.

Jack;  "why are ya nervous, Mom?"

The Man:  "Mummy is ONE WITH NATURE."

Yeah, I like nature:  in my back yard, sitting at my picnic table, with an adult beverage, watching the sweet, chubby robins hop around looking for worms.

That's plenty of nature.  PLENTY.

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  1. i do love some nature walking. and now, after reading this post, i'd like to go for a nature walk with you. because it would be fun to feel like the brave one while i held butterflies and caught ladybugs with you squealing & flapping your arms nervously a few feet away. afterwards, we could go have coffee at your place. notice that i say afterwards, not before, because i don't do nature after drinking that blasted slop. lesson learned!

  2. ha ha so funny!!!
    We live right by the mountain..lots of trails. I walk it 3 to 4 times a week mainly for the dog. Sometimes my neighbour and her dog join us.
    But get my son to go???? I have to bribe him!!!
    Can we have an Ella post this week?

  3. Oh Sherilin, if only you weren't so far away. You could horrify me with your butterfly love. HORRIFY ME, and then you'd say afterward; "damn! you DO make good coffee!" Ha ha. Sigh. Yeah. Not brave at all over here. Not brave at all.

  4. You have to bribe your son as well? Wow, kids are not interested in nature sometimes. Yeah, I should do a weekly Ella post. I'd just have to dilligently write down the stuff she says, otherwise I forget immediately!

  5. i was cleaning a house last week, helping them get ready to sell it since it's been empty for a couple months & suddenly i heard the lady scream and call for me. i ran to rescue her, only to find that she'd discovered a dead wren on her living room floor. i scooped it right up & popped it into a ziploc bag. i was really tempted to take it home so we could dismantle and/or study it under a microscope, but i thought there might be some judgement on the homeowner's end. i was sad to throw that little feathery gem away.

  6. He likes to go to the beach and dig for crabs and jellyfish and all that slimy stuff. He likes the mountain only if we do the windy in the deep bush trails but i don't want to run into bears or snakes which he loves yuk!
    Have you ever been on the great friendship trail in Ft.Erie? It runs from Ft.Erie to way past Pt. Colborne. It is great. You can walk, rollerblade, ride whatever. It goes by horse farms etc very pretty . I walked it everyday . He HATED it thought it was the most boring thing ever!!!!

  7. Oh Sherilin, you do put your ALL into being a teacher, don't you. What about all that ingrained horror over dead things when we were kids though? Like, touching dead animals could practically give you a DISEASE!!

  8. Pam, I've never been on that trail, but it sounds really nice. Personally? I would avoid the bears. Call me crazy...

  9. But Karen... in regards to the ladybug.. EVERYONE looks gross in extreme close up!!!

    You only made me wish I was there with you! haha.

    Find that inner child who loves adventure... she's in there. :) Or, maybe she fell into whisky love too. haha

  10. Holy Christ.

    I HATE nature. In pictures? Outside my window? Described in poems? Fine, good, I'll deal with it.

    In person? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

    It's too harrowing.

  11. I seriously don't think I have an inner child any longer. Maybe I'll have to spend hundreds of dollars at Disney world to see if it's really and truly gone.

    Yeah, we may all look gross close up, but at least I have neither MANDIBLES nor proboscices

  12. Harrowing is right! At last! Someone to empahtise with my shaking, wobbly kneed terror! I can only imagine how horrid camping would be now that I'm really boring.

  13. Look at you, being all Nature-y and All! Not for me, Sister. I even blocked The Nature Channel on the t.v. I'm taking no chances.
    Your New Friend, m.

  14. Welcome Mark! You even blocked the nature channel! Now that makes me happy. Just plain happy.

  15. I think you will want to add a facebook icon to your blog. I just bookmarked this site, however I must do this by hand. Just my $.02 :)

  16. Dear Anonymous, thank you for the tip! However, I am NOT VERY BRIGHT, so it will probably take me most of the afternoon to figure out how to do this, since I thought the little facebook icon thingy at the end of each post was doing the trick! But, ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE! And now, to find those online tutorials....


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