Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
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Friday, April 8, 2011

That Kid Is A SCREAM

My four year old daughter Ella, is a total scream. A card.  A hoot.  She says so many ridiculous, outrageous things, that I should really keep a little pad of paper and pen on me at all times. 

What Ella-isms can I come up with off the top of my head:

Me:  "Why?  Daddy's nice too (prob. nicer, actually), and he loves you!"

Ella:  "I DON'T want him to put me to bed."
Me:  "why?"

Ella:  "because he's MEAN all the time."
Me:  "what does he do?"

Ella:  "well, he FARTS IN MY NOSE."

Note:  The Man has never, nor would ever pass gas in Ella's nose.  He doesn't even do that in close proximity of the kids, unlike SOME immature parents.  I shall go nameless

* Ella, after running around only in underpants for ages one day, is finally coaxed into getting dressed again:  "I gotta get dressed!  I don't want anyone to see my RECKLESS BODY." 

* "ooooo...Mom, I just love your breasts!

* "Mom, I need to put on my fancy dress.  Jack and I are getting married." 

* "ooooo...I just loved that boy [at Jack's school] who looks like JUSTIN BIEBER

* "ooooo....I just LOVE Shaggy [from Scooby Doo]  SIGH!" 

Singing:  "Oh Mommy, oh Mommy, Mommy!  Don't cha know that Jack stinks?  He stinks!  He STINKS!  HE STINKS!!!"

She also came up with her own song:  "GOODBYE being a seagull, HELLO that's so weird!" 

No, I have no explanation for that one.

* "Hey Mom, wanna feel my BUTT?  I have the SMOOTHEST BUTT!  Wanna touch it?  Go on--TOUCH IT."

Knock-Knock Jokes

Ella has discovered she lurves knock-knock jokes.  She's slowly killing me, one knock-knock joke at a time:

Ella:  "knock knock!"
Me:  "who's there."  (sigh)

Ella:  "boo!"
Me: "boo hoo?"

Ella:  "poop in a toilet!"

Ella:  "knock knock!"
Me:  sigh.  "Who's there."

Ella:  "boo!"
Me:  "boo who."

Ella:  "punch you in the fat tummy!"

Ella:  "knock knock!"
Me:  "nobody's home."

Me:  sigh.  Sigh.  Sigh.  "Who's there."

Ella:  "boo." 
Me:  "sigh."

Me:  "boo who."

Ella:  "Police man in a tutu!" 

Yeah, a million knock-knock jokes per day, and all of them terrible.  90% of these jokes have to do with farts, poops, and pee. Totally sucks the life out of me. 

She's loud!  She falls down and hurts herself CONSTANTLY, or bumps into something, or stubs her toe, or bites her tongue at least once a day, or she's crying because she can't get the fancy dress off over her head so she can put the other fancy dress on, or she can't get Barbie's dress on.  She has to be "STYLIE"  all the time, and will invariably choose style over comfort.  She refused to wear long-sleeved shirts all winter, and was never cold.

She's into my things CONSTANTLY.  Nail polish, lip stick, lotions, perfume--you name it.  Once she found my disposable razor (bad mummy, bad!) and got a little scratch on her leg.  She then told me with the saddest face:

"Mom, I hurt my leg with your MACH FUSION PRO-GLIDE." 

Clearly the kid watches too much TV.  My bad.

* She has to PAT PAT my hoots at least once a day. 

She tosses back her head and laughs with abandon as she's running away from me when I've asked her to brush her teeth.  She laughed and laughed with loud gusto as all the little boys in her nursery school class chased her around the gym at the Christmas party.  Some of them ran with her and held her hands.  One boy gave her a kiss on the cheek when she finally sat down to rest.  All of the boys only come up to her chin. 

She thinks her jokes are hilarious, and commands me to LAUGH when she offers up the punchline.  She invents crazy little dances that put her brother in stitches.  When Jack ticks her off, she turns into a punching machine on him, and he never punches her back.  She has been known to chase him around the room with a hair band, laughing and laughing, and coaxing in this evil voice:  "COME HERE, JACKY!  I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU BEAUTIFUL!"  She kisses and hugs all of us a million times a day.  If we keep her away from her "shows" too long, she turns into a whirling dervish of rage. 

Also, she's a little exhausting, and in case you haven't heard me say it before:  FREAKING RELENTLESS.  She must have her way.  She WILL have her way.  She will NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP until she GETS her way.  And when I say NEVER, I mean NEVER.  She bounces happily out of bed in the morning at the ass crack of dawn.  I have tried several different things to get her to stay in bed longer.  Personally, I don't get it:  it's dark outside, and it's cold.  Also, it's FIVE THIRTY.  Who the hell rolls out of bed, looks out the window at the blackness and says; "YAY! IT'S TIME TO GET UP?!?" 

I took the night light out of her room, and moved it to the nearby bathroom.  I changed her bed time from 7:30 to 8:00.  Recently I put a digital clock in her room, and had a small time tutorial with her little chalk board: 

Me:  "see this, Ella?  This is a 4.  FOUR = angry face.  FIVE = angry face.  SIX = angry face.  But see this?  This is a 7.  SEVEN EQUALS HAPPY FACE!"  So, when you see the SEVEN on your clock, THEN you can come downstairs, okay?"

Ella:  "Okay Mommy!" 

The next morning I heard her clunking around and singing away in her room at 5:45. 
It's an on-going saga. 

She'll be coming home in a minute in her fancy dress.  Lucky for her she's so cute because she makes me freaking tired sometimes. 

Yeah! I'm 79!  SUCK ON THAT, B*TCHES!  No--wait...I don't want you guys to SUCK IT...I like you guys... Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


  1. I love her i love her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    She is so dam cute and SO REMINDS me of SAM!!!! He was EXACTLY like this!!! Moms at school used to say i should write down everything he says!!
    OH can i have her???
    She's at the Baptist church!!That brings back memories...the top of my street!!!
    Love little girls in dresses!!

  2. you recognised the church!? Wow, you DO have the eye for detail, Pam! Yes, she is really quite the character! Did you write down some of the crazy stuff Sam used to say?

  3. Dangit! You mean I have competition for Shaggy???? I'm looking for entertainment for my friend's birthday you think she'll do standup for us? ;-)

  4. our girl is almost 2 and makes us laugh all the time ,but she is relentless too, if she wants it she will ask over and over...cream[ice cream]cream cream CREAM CREAM!we dont have any left sweetie...please please please PLEASEPLEASSSSE! even when you say please we still do not have any...please cream..waaaaaa..stamp stamp cream.... such joy!

  5. She is a cutie and says many funny things! I like her spunk! Haha

  6. Oh yes Maria, Ella is a total hambone. What a ridiculous expression that is. Anyhoo, who likes Shaggy?!? It's wacky.

  7. yeah! It's great reasoning with them at that age Paula! They do not give a CRAP whether or not it's there. MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!

  8. Spunk is right, Jd. She's nonstop spunk from 6 in the morning till about 7 at night. Then she starts to really fizzle out.

  9. Get that girl a YouTube channel - viral princess on the move chasing Jack and pattin' hoots - love it!

  10. When Sam was 4yrs old i was mad at his out of anger i said Your dad is so mentally disabled. One day he asked me to explain the handicap signs on the pavement of parking spaces...i explained in detail to him about this.
    About a few weeks later my mom was driving him somewhere and out of the blue (as usual for him) he said to her "Nonnie did you know there are these special parking spaces for handicap people? Actually my dad could park there because my mom says hes mentally handicapped! She had to pull off the road she was laughing so hard.
    i told his teacher and she said his cognitive skills are so advanced he puts everything together. Yes i wrote alot of stuff down. He also had a huge vocabulary at two still does he talks better than me.
    He asked my at 3yrs old why do trains ride on tracks and not roads. Seriously everyday he blew my mind still does.

  11. yeah, she'd probably love her own youtube channel

  12. Good stories Pam! Ella's been talking in full sentences for so long, I forget when she even started to talk. It just feels like I've always been having conversations with her.

  13. I LOVE HER!

    Too fucking adorable.

    I still have PTSD from knock knock jokes. Ugh.

  14. Oh, I hate knock knock jokes. H8 them. The last time Ella said "knock knock!" I said; "nobody's home. Go tell Daddy."

  15. Hilarious!!!!!!!!!! I don't even want to think of the pain and crazy that could be unleashed if our preschoolers got together! Everything in our house always ends up rhyming with "poop". It is very exhausting.

  16. Tonya, yes--the poop jokes make me so tired sometimes too. Your post on your knock-knock suffering meant I had to share this with you, as I knew you would SO understand.

  17. Replies
    1. Thanks Jennie! Actually, I just re-read it myself and had forgotten some of the hilarious things she'd said. She comes up with new ones all the time. Thanks for stopping in!

  18. What a DOLL! I'll bet she can be a handful but hey, I'm sure Lucille Ball was too!

    1. yeah, that would be awesome if she maintains the funny and doesn't get crushed by the filthy boot of life like her mother!

    2. Ha! I love you, crazy woman!


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