|image from HERE|
I had to go to the dentist yesterday. I'd been having some pain in my pain-in-the-ass wisdom teeth. I was MUCHOS nervous about going, because even though I'm 39, I'm a MAJOR WEINER about the dentist. I was pretty sure I had a cavity. My sister assured me her dentist was super nice. Still, yesterday I was NOT a happy camper.
Not too long ago, my 6 year old niece informed my sister that her mouth hurt. After a quick examination, my sis saw a bump on little L's gum. If you know my sister and I, you will know at this point that our first conclusion is always going to be:
So, I looked it up online, and saw that a bump on the gum indicates an abscessed tooth. Oh brother. The poor kid's only 6. A trip to the dentist confirmed this: one little old rotton baby tooth, causing an infection. The tooth would have to come out! Oh, and there's more good news, she has a cavity that has to be filled, and another cavity that can probably be left alone since it will fall out soon.
I immediately turned white, hot, cold and sick. Why?
BECAUSE THE DENTIST IS HORRIFYING.
Lily survived her SUPER YUCKY ordeal. My sister, however, was wracked with guilt. Oh, she was a terrible mother, why did she let the girls eat candy for little treats, etc, etc (Me? I'm the sugar nazi. I'll tell you about my mean mommy ways sometime). I reminded her that she just inherited the unfortunate tooth gene from our Mother. I have the lucky, mostly trouble free teeth of my Dad's side of the family, and The Man, barely gives a crap about his teeth and never has a problem. In fact, he has a WACKY DENTIST, who once told him that he DOESN'T NEED TO FLOSS, because there's enough space between each tooth. Okay, before you conclude that The Man is some sort of hillbilly with a set of choppers like a picket fence, this is not so. His old dentist, clearly, is WHACK.
Still, I couldn't convince my sister that she wasn't evil, even when I revealed Jack's typical lunch habits:
1) chocolate milk
2) 2 pieces of cinnamon toast
3) 3 cinnamon snap cookies (source of calcium? Heh? Heh?)
4) rolls on back to school without brushing his teeth
The shame! The horrible shame!
Okay, in my defense, all I do is fight with my son, and I AM working on integrating lunch time tooth care into his schedule. However, before I get there, there will be much anger, frustration, calling me "Stu" (short for stupid, of course...very annoying..one could write a whole post on being called "Stu" and what it does to their blood pressure over time) and all around bad times.
So here's the deal: in my opinion, dentistry has hardly advanced in the 30 years or so that I've been going for that horrible visit. And by this I mean, why isn't there some sort of happy pill one can take before they get a filling or have a tooth pulled?!? Laughing gas? Toke on a doob? 3 fingers of rye? COME ON DENTISTRY PEOPLE, WORK WITH ME.
If you ask me, dentistry has gone BACKWARDS as far as personal comfort is concerned. My mother in law told me this story: when she was a kid, she'd get a whiff of this gas, and the next thing she knew they were waking her up and her tooth was gone.
Uh, hello?? That's FREAKING BRILLIANT. I'd totally sign up for that. Wake me up when the mouth carnage is over.
I had to have a tooth extracted once. When I was in my first trimester of my Ella pregnancy, I got my first ever toothache. I had to wait a good couple of weeks until I was in my second, and safer trimester to get the tooth yanked out, because I'd have to take antibiotics. Horrifying. But, the dental surgeon seemed really nice beforehand. In fact, he sounded so soothing, so reassuring. And then he brutalized my mouth, like the psychotic butcher he was. Okay, I'm not in the know about having teeth pulled. Is it "typical" for tooth fragments to be flying out onto one's face as their tooth is being crushed, cracked, tugged and pried from their head?
Do you remember being a kid, left alone in one of the little rooms, with teeth immersed in that most heinous fluoride solution? If you were old enough, maybe you just got abandoned there, in that room, for a long time, holding your own sucker tube, left to take care of your own river of spit.
Remember when you reached the magical age whereby you could choose if you wanted to continue fluoride treatments or not, and EVERY SINGLE KID SAID NO?
How about the time I was getting my mouth torn apart during a routine cleaning, and the hygienist stuck her little hook into my gum and actually pulled a small chunk out. Then she paused and had to dab away blood for a bit.
I particularly enjoyed the little anecdote my dad told me recently, after his visit to the dentist: he was having a convo with the hygienist about kids and the dentist. She told my dad that sometimes they've had to STRAP KIDS ARMS DOWN TO THE CHAIR so they could work on their teeth.
WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?!
Where's that magical happy gas when you need it?
I can't think of anything I hate worse than getting that needle in my mouth, and then the drilling, with the burning tooth smells and that ZZZZZEEEEEE!!! horror noise.
OH man. I'm going to have to end this post now and turn it over to you guys. I want to hear your dental horror stories. I want to hear if there's anyone out there who doesn't mind going to the dentist (unlike my freak brother in law, who, I was told, asked if he could hold up a mirror and watch his own tooth extraction).
Oh yeah..and that tooth I had to go in for? Well, turns out it has some infection around the root because the last dentist had "over-filled" it. So much for my theory that maybe they could just turn the whole tooth into a filling, thereby creating one great SUPER TOOTH THAT CAN NEVER BE TOUCHED BY DECAY AGAIN!
Anyhoo, I was so relieved I could have fainted. I came home with my prescrip for antibiotics in my hand raised my arms high for victory and said to The Man:
"I don't have a cavity--I have an INFECTION!!!!"
The Man: "is that good?!?"
Me: "it's FREAKING FANTASTIC!"
Hooray for infections!
And now it's YOUR turn.
click HERE if you wish we could all just replace our teeth with harmless wooden pegs