karen's current hypochondriac ailments:
1) Ovarian cancer. I always worry about that one, people. If I get a little bloaty tummy for too many days in a row, I start to fret.
2) pancreatic cancer. Every time I think too hard about the extra work my pancreas possibly has to do without a gallbladder buddy, I get the cold hot heebie jeebies.
3) insidious low thyroid, causing my body to work too hard to combat its inefficient thyroid gland, thereby giving me a GIANT HEART, that, like a ticking time bomb, is going to BURST any year now.
Number 3 is fairly new! Isn't that exciting? It's nice to have variety in one's life.
Do you ever feel just completely tired of yourself at times?
Like a bike with the kickstand permanently out, and PARKED in the mud?
I read a slightly interesting article the other day. What I had googled was "how to lose weight with hypothyroidism." I can't begin to tell you the number of years I've almost had every single symptom that's listed on the hypothyroid check list, and still have the docs smile and say; "yeah, I'm tired a lot too. Well, everything looks great, see ya next year!"
I've been for lots and lots of blood tests. Every time I've whined about how freaking tired I am, it's the same thing: a quick scribbling up of a requisition form and "well, let's get you in for some blood work then."
blah, blah, I'm tired of talking about it, and you're tired of hearing it.
Anyhow, I seem to get all the germs the kids bring home, but I get to be twice as sick, somehow. So, a couple of weeks ago, Ella and I got a nasty sinus cold, but I got a sinus infection and bronchitis. And then I felt like weak, super sick garbage until, well, yesterday! Well, with all this fun time on my hands trudging around, wheezing, unable to go for power walks and do much more than "take it easy," because I couldn't freaking breathe, I decided enough is enough. I don't eat much during the day, but I'm going to pay much better attention to what I eat now. I don't want my massive heart to conk on out me before I'm ready to go.
Sweet mother of potatoes my kids are idiots right now.
*crash!* " No! NO! NOOOOOO!"
"Moooooommmm! Jack won't stop bugging me!"
"MOOOOOMMMM--Ella PINCHED me!"
Question: is it really all that easy to get in super fit shape when one has young children? No, I'm serious: they don't want to go for power walks, and after a full day of trying NOT to knock their heads together, and doing dishes, and laundry and all that crap, do I really feel like pulling the shrink wrap off that yoga dvd? Or making a second meal just for myself that isn't a starchy casserole, because one of the kids wouldn't like a plate full of lentils?
"I'M GOING TO CALL THE BEHAVIOURAL LADY."
There, that got them to stop for a second. It's all empty threats of course, like when I was awoken stupidly early one day, and Ella wouldn't stop being bratty, or Jack wouldn't--hell, I can't remember. Are they even actually different children, or are they just one giant SUPERMONSTER? Well, in a fit of pique I shouted; "IF YOU DON'T KNOCK IT OFF, I'M CALLING THE EASTER BUNNY!"
Later on Jack asked me; "Mom, why did you say you're gonna call the Easter bunny?"
How could I explain the concept of "grasping at straws," and that I could no longer lord SANTA CLAUS over them because it was way too long since Christmas, and clearly THAT wasn't going to work any longer.
What--you don't do that? When your kids turn your house into FIGHT CLUB, you don't march over to the phone with purpose and say; "THAT'S IT. I'M CALLING SANTA. HE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT YOU TWO HAVE BEEN DOING TO EACH OTHER." ? No?
This was actually supposed to be a post about a lot of philosphical mental meanderings, like, how I want to get healthy and stop eating the wrong tiny bits of food, and start eating the RIGHT tiny bits of food.
It was also supposed to be about this new trend in journalism/blogging/articles wherein the writers have to be snarky, sarcastic jerks. This after some smart ass put my home town on a list of the top 10 most overrated cities to travel to. I actually had some thought provoking points questioning why it's uncool to be NICE any longer, and why we have to always be GLIB and sarcastic, and tear people up to feel good? Yeah, and there was even going to be a good bit in there that The Man told me; about how the NEWS isn't just the NEWS anymore, but always someone's OPINION.
Oh yeah, I was going to mention to you guys about the cluster of flying ants I saw on the OUTSIDE of my house today, all frantically mating and doing those horrifying bug things, and how these flying ants were special because they were the size of FREAKING HORNETS! I may have nightmares tonight. The ONLY, ONLY saving grace is that this time they were OUTSIDE the house, but I can still see them in my head stumbling stupidly across the grass after the man BLASTED THEM WITH POISON. Shudder.
I was also going to talk about this really cool video I saw on youtube today about how women are STILL being marketed as a super sex product, rather than as as women who are beautiful with their own imperfections, crows feet and FLAWS, but all the while my kids are being
SUPER MEGA BERSERKO
and probably this is the point where I should have a huge fight and force them to the park instead of having fun with all of YOU,
I wear the MOM PANTS, and oh boy are they ever hot and itchy at times. Plus they're giving me some wicked muffin top.
Hey, while I'm off knocking heads together (no, not literally, don't panic. We're not allowed to do that any longer I guess. Instead we have to try to reason with the little savages, with, you know WORDS), take a lookee at this video. I thought it was fantastic and thought provoking.
Killing Us Softly 4: Advertising's Image of Women
NEWS FLASH: ONE OF THOSE UNBELIEVABLY LARGE FLYING ANTS IS HERE IN THE PANTRY AND JACK WENT BANANAS ON ITS A$$ . JACK IS NOW MY HERO. SCRATCH ALL THAT RANTING ABOUT THE KIDS BEING NAUGHTY. I HAVE TO GO LIE DOWN NOW.
ahem. Yeah...go watch that video...