Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Friday, May 13, 2011

Take THAT MOTHERF$*@ERS


The Man has informed me that this is a picture of "Ant Man", some kind of super hero?  Now I'm disappointed.  I wanted a pic of a super dude kicking an ant's ass. I think they're working together though.  Yes, The Man has confirmed Ant Man uses his stupid flying ant buddy to get around.   Damn it.  image from HERE

Ants are a$$holes. 

Do you know I had to be exiled from my house today for over four hours because ants are such complete and total douches? 

No.  No, don't try to tell me that they're a part of nature, and we're all in balance, and it would be terrible if we didn't have ants and blah, blah, blah diddy blah.  Yeah, once upon a time I may have thought that too.  I saw the little jerkoffs milling around my kitchen floor last spring, and thought, "well, I don't like them, but they don't seem to be hurting anything, so I'll just keep squashing the ones I see, and cohabitate with them, bubble, bubble squeek!"  That was until flying ants came pouring up through the vent in my bedroom last June. 

Screw cohabitation.  Long live CHEMICALS! 

So, I was hearing those familiar scritchy scratchy noises behind the groovy 1970's-esque wood panelling here in the pantry, and knew that that meant the little asshats were busy.  Busy trying to take over my freaking house!!!   Then we saw them here and there in the kitchen.  Then they were in the dining room.  Then the living room.  Then, ONE LONE SMALL ANT was upstairs in the bathroom. 

And so, the bug man, with his truck full of delicious, yummy chemicals came to our house today, and sprayed while we were out.  OH yes.  You know, one of these days, I'd like to pull a couple of foldout chairs together on my front porch, crack a couple of beers, and swap stories with the bug man.  I'll bet those guys have tales that would curl my toes.  Remember this gem, from last year's bug man?  He told me about a house so full of ants, that when the woman of the house pulled the Christmas turkey out of the oven to cool, by the time she came back to check on it, some indiscriminate length of time later, the turkey was "covered in ants." 

Merry Christmas, kids! 

Shudder...

So, I had to be the nomad today.  I have to say, my cats are also dicks.  Yowl, yowl, yowl in their little kitty carriers as we were enroute to my sister's house for the day.  Just because I had to go to the drive through at McDink's to get a coffee, does not mean they get to be inconsiderate little jerks about it.  I also won't go into detail about the fighty/shoving/sweaty/dicey/slightly terrifiying wrestling match I had to get Fatty back in her carrier when it was finally time to come home.  Angry Cat: 1, Sweaty karen: 0. 

And dig this, people, while I was trying to fill those hours with something, my sis and I took the girl's to McDonk's for lunch.  Why, how interesting--a guy I once worked with happened to be in there getting lunch. 

I don't think he noticed me. 

I tried to make myself as invisible as a chubby girl can. 

My sister does not get my mortification.  Let me lay it out for y'all, because I know you'll feel me on this.  I haven't seen this guy in just over 10 years.  I was the slimmest I'd been since I was 13.  My hair was dyed a reddish colour.  All dudes dig red hair.  I was IN MY TWENTIES.  I was (allegedly) on the "most effable cashiers" list.  I don't know people--I didn't make this crap up.  I was ALMOST A CONTENDER, ya dig?  So, 50 pounds, two kids, two deep mannequin lines (a.k.a. JOWELS) beside my chin (chinS?) later, there I am at Mc-freaking-donalds with really stupid hair, and a really shiny face.  I could just tell it was shiny.  It's been really hot out today.  I wanted to melt into a crack in the floor. 

I don't think he noticed me.

My sis, for the record, was shaking her head at my attitude.  "Don't have low self esteem!" she admonished.  I don't have low self esteem!  I have REALISM-ITIS! 

Man, what a bummer. 

oh well, the good news is, there's no more scritchy scratchy noise in the walls behind me.


Sigh. 


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21 comments:

  1. i know how you feel about seeing someone you knew after a long while.i know it is mean but it makes me feel a wee bit better if they are,wrinkleier, fatter and /or balder than me and mine.hopefully those bugs bare toast!

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  2. yeah, I hope those bugs are toast too!!! I mostly like it when people are uglier and fatter when they were sucky people in highschool. Then it's WONDERFUL.

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  3. Those freaky giant ants with wings are hatching here right now. Only happens in May. Yeah. Don't think about it.

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  4. I know! I know, dbs!!!! I know they have some giant flying ant convention to mate and whatnot, and that's fine...just don't do that in my bedroom.

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  5. Blogger was done for everyone the last few days . Some bloggers lost their posts.
    Anyways we have an ant problem too!
    I can't imagine a turkey being coverend in one yuk!! But the ants we have are those tiny tiny ones not the flying ones. But the outside of this house is covered with cluster flies! It's like something out of horror movie. Watching them go in the cedar siding!!!

    Karen to get the cat back in the crate do what i do...stuff them in backwards..ass first..believes it works!

    My comment on the last post was what a fantastic idea putting the brocoli in the kraft dinner!!
    So your sister is moving? Great news!

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  6. Have you heard about the zombie ants in Brazil? seriously. The zombie apocalypse has started.

    http://gantdaily.com/2011/05/13/research-zombie-ants-have-fungus-on-the-brain/

    first time reader. already a big fan.

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  7. Lance has made me very afraid.

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  8. but Pam--if one stuffs the cat in ass first, doesn't that mean the BUSINESS END of the cat is RIGHT THERE in one's face?!? With the claws and the teeth!! Oh well, I'll try that next year when we have to evacuate our house again.

    Cluster flies sounds HORRIBLE. I'm going to have to google that now, even if it is completely shudder-worthy.

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  9. ZOMBIE ANTS?!? OH SWEET MOTHER OF COFFEE--that sounds absolutely terrible. Terrible. That's it. I have to pause for a moment and google these disgusting sites you people have offered up....


    by the way, Welcome Lance! Thanks for joining our fun :)

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  10. oh my god......zombie ants was a true horror story! Even though I could relate; all wandering around not knowing where I'm going, the fungus actually out-creeps the bug. Part of me wondered if I could grow that fungus around the base of my house though...

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  11. Hey! Guess what? Cluster flies lay their eggs in earth worms!

    Excuse me while I go throw up now.

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  12. did you read that too, Matt?!? Once again, I must point out that nature is horrifying.

    Matt, I just remembered: I lost your link to the funky effects of asparagus when blogger swallowed up some v. important comments.

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  13. btw, I'm starting a band. The Zombie Ants is the leader in the clubhouse for the band name.

    stay tuned

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  14. demi gods, eh. That explains the hairballing with impunity.

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  15. Lance, I most certainly will NOT stay tuned. Ants, after all, are my enemies.

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  16. Think Amityville Horror! I can't stand them! All over the side of the house where the patio is...they crawl into the window and cedar shakes...and so loud!!

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  17. Pam, that is just hideous. Oh, if only we could live in a world without bugs.

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  18. girl,i am SOO on that page of not wanting to see people now that i'm gross! when i first lay eyes on someone i haven't seen in years, my first thought is, "what size was i last time i saw her?" and if it was a size significantly small than fat, then i'd rather hide behind my menu. because i know that i'm shallow enough to notice someone else's weight gain & think about how much cuter they used to be back when they were thin, so i'm sure they're thinking the same about me.

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  19. Sherilin, I think everyone does that--it's impossible to help it, isn't it? So, knowing that sometimes I've thought "wow, HE'S TOTALLY CHANGED", I don't want ANYONE thinking that about me :(

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