Recently, in a plastic bin in the basement, I found a cd I'd almost completely given up on. I found two cd's actually. One was wedged in among the forgotten, and one had been put away in the wrong cd case.
So, today was the day for some frenetic dancing, and very loud music, which seemed to signal the end of the funk I'd been in for a long while. The cd from the wrong case had been missing so long, I didn't know what song would come next, and had really forgotten the nuances, and a lot of the lyrics I'd really liked.
Life is strange.
Some things get lost for a while. Some things get lost for good. Mothers Days come and go with no mother to be found. Not even a trace of her. No magical signs, no omens, no portent--even the symbolic tulips I planted didn't open that day.
I felt lost again, but then found my footing on a very long walk. Walk until your feet are sore, and your brain is empty, I like to think. Little boys forget their engulfing, autistic anxieties, and their old soul complexities and proclivities, and remember they are little boys, and that it's okay to hug the big, stuffed elephant. After all, it's squishy, and very soft, and has a smiling face, and nobody has told you yet that it will never really talk.
Nine years get lost in a suburban shuffle, where people pretend there's nobody beside them pushing a child on the swing, and you can feel completely alone in gridlock during rush hour. And then life swings around full circle to a time when I'm on the verge of having my sister as my neighbour. My neighbour, for crying out loud.
And all the while, I keep finding dimes. Not often, but regularly. Dimes beside my bed. Dimes in my daughter's room. After my grandmother died, when I was packing to move from the big city to come home, I found dimes all over that house. Not nickels. Not quarters. Not pennies even. Dimes. But what does that mean?
Time passes. Grief lessens. The burden of raising children abates, and we find a bit of ourselves again--whoever that self was. And sometimes we dance, round and around the room, because we found that cd that had been lost for so long.