Sorry, but that's a fact.
Last night little Ella was asleep in her bed, when I came up for that night time ritual of teeth brushing, face washing, and 15 minutes of PRESSED UP AGAINST THE MIRROR face inspecting for new signs of ugliness.
That's what we women do (especially after we've had children, passed 35 and start heading down to 40 Town and beyond): we get in front of that mirror and practically have our noses touching the damn thing as we look for every imperfection. That's why we're F*CKED. This is also why we are more likely to discover skin cancers and weirdo moles: because we SCRUTINIZE. What does a man do? Shaves, showers, runs a hand over his head, because his hair is as long as the fuzz on a tennis ball, and doesn't look in the mirror again until the next time he shaves.
He doesn't do fake smiles to see how the crow's feet have advanced. He probably doesn't scan for large pores, or rub wrinkle cream carefully onto the CLEAVAGE LINE, because DAMN--what if all that hedonistic tanning in the 80's is shoving us down the inevitable path to leather tits?
But I digress...
So, brush the teeth, wash the face, slap on the wrinkle cream, SCRUTINIZE face for maybe 15 minutes (you don't know--a JOWEL can happen at any time), and then at last, at LAST go check on the kids and make sure all is well in sleepy land.
As I was saying, I went to check on little Ella last night and thought....hmm...she feels warm. Too warm for sleeping with just a sheet on, with the AC running. Hmmm... "I think she's coming down with something," I said. Then the next morning, Ella got up at 5:30, and I stumbled out of bed all miserable and cranky and gave her a little blanket, and stomped back to my bed. And then the girlie fell back to sleep on the couch.
WHICH NEVER HAPPENS.
So, because even though we always know, we wimmens try to run away from the truth. I asked The Man:
"Do you think she fell asleep again because she was so tired from getting up early?"
The Man (barely interested, with a slight DUH tone): "PROBABLY."
And she HAD A FEVER, and said her head hurt, when she finally did get up this morning.
I was RIGHT. And now I'm afraid.
See, I just hacked up chunks of lung for the past MONTH. I can't stand it. When the kids catch something, I usually get it too.
I'm so sick of germs:
Throat infections, ear infections. Penicillin. Hives from penicillin, so no more penicillin. Azithromycin, Amoxicillin. One of them has some heinous banana flavour added to it, but I can't recall which one. Acetaminaphen oral suspension. The baby tylenol costs a fortune for what you get.
Hooray, the kids old enough to get "children's tylenol"--you get so much more in a bottle! Tylenol takes a long time to give the kid relief. Ibuprofen works better! Tylenol takes 30-45 minutes to kick in. Ibuprofen takes 15 minutes to kick in. Berry Flavour. Grape Flavour. Oops, The Man bought the one that's "dye free" and now the kid is suspicious and WILL NOT SWALLOW IT because it's not f*cking PURPLE.
Fever of 104 freaking degrees. Off to the hospital. Learned at the hospital that you can give the kid tylenol and motrin at nearly the same time, to keep a bugger of a fever at bay. One year the little guy is sick from January till April with one cold after another. He looks like a skinny vampire with dark circles under his eyes. Doctor says there's nothing that can be done. A kid will have 10 colds a year until they're a little older, with a respite in July and August.
Stomach bug, or a cold? The kid vomits at the start of EVERY cold until the age of 4. Nasty gastro episode: child vomits every 10 minutes for 17 hours straight, tries to pee and a drip comes out. KAREN FREAKS. Off to the hospital, but The Man has to take him so karen can stay at home and wring hands and PACE. Kid comes home like a ZOMBIE and is desperately thirsty but can only drink a table spoon of repulsive apple flavour Pedialyte every five minutes. karen probably cries a little in sympathy. After one particularly nasty gastro bug the kids had, Ella vomitted all day FORCEFULLY until she vomited DARK, almost BLACK stuff. KAREN FREAKS. Off go girlie and The Man to the hospital.
Little girl seems hardier than Jack, but is prone to getting the neverending world's stuffiest nose. Which, in case you didn't read "neverending", takes weeks and weeks to go away, and probably eventually turns into an ear infection. After the third round of antibiotics is given for one particular ear infection, the doctor says that if THIS one doesn't do the trick, she'll have to get tubes in her ears. Kind Chinese doctor at the walkin clinic advises NO MILK, NO DAIRY, which actually seems to improve things.
|image from HERE|
So you see, I hate germs. I probably hate them more than you. And let me tell you this, people, if your kid has yellow ropes coming out of his nose, and a frightening bronchial cough, and he's sitting mere inches away from my kid playing with toys, I want to give you a HUGE SMACK. WITH MY WHOLE HAND.
And if your kid just spent the entire night YARKING, but they seemed just fine this morning, WHY ARE YOU EVEN F*CKING TALKING TO ME?
Because it's the vomiting that gets me the most.
I was in a car recently with a friend, and she was saying that her son had the stomach flu a couple of days ago, and her husband has it now, and I had to restrain myself from LEAPING OUT OF THE MOVING VEHICLE. And this one mom at school? Well, last week she was saying that her youngest daughter, who is in Jack's class, had a fever of 104 freaking degrees, and when she tried to give the kid tylenol, she HURLED ALL OVER THE PLACE. My first thought was a) why is she standing here telling this to the other moms IN PERSON, and b) can I keep Jack home from school until this blows over???
So remember: if your kid is really sick, I really do care. And I want to hear all about it. OVER THE PHONE.
I think I'm in the running to become the next Howard Hughes.