Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I Freaking Hate Germs

A Mother always knows. 

Sorry, but that's a fact. 

Last night little Ella was asleep in her bed, when I came up for that night time ritual of teeth brushing, face washing, and 15 minutes of PRESSED UP AGAINST THE MIRROR face inspecting for new signs of ugliness. 

That's what we women do (especially after we've had children, passed 35 and start heading down to 40 Town and beyond):  we get in front of that mirror and practically have our noses touching the damn thing as we look for every imperfection.  That's why we're F*CKED.  This is also why we are more likely to discover skin cancers and weirdo moles:  because we SCRUTINIZE.  What does a man do?  Shaves, showers, runs a hand over his head, because his hair is as long as the fuzz on a tennis ball, and doesn't look in the mirror again until the next time he shaves. 

He doesn't do fake smiles to see how the crow's feet have advanced.  He probably doesn't scan for large pores, or rub wrinkle cream carefully onto the CLEAVAGE LINE, because DAMN--what if all that hedonistic tanning in the 80's is shoving us down the inevitable path to leather tits? 

But I digress...

So, brush the teeth, wash the face, slap on the wrinkle cream, SCRUTINIZE face for maybe 15 minutes (you don't know--a JOWEL can happen at any time), and then at last, at LAST go check on the kids and make sure all is well in sleepy land. 

As I was saying, I went to check on little Ella last night and thought....hmm...she feels warm.  Too warm for sleeping with just a sheet on, with the AC running.  Hmmm...  "I think she's coming down with something," I said.  Then the next morning, Ella got up at 5:30, and I stumbled out of bed all miserable and cranky and gave her a little blanket, and stomped back to my bed.  And then the girlie fell back to sleep on the couch.


So, because even though we always know, we wimmens try to run away from the truth.  I asked The Man:

"Do you think she fell asleep again because she was so tired from getting up early?"

The Man (barely interested, with a slight DUH tone): "PROBABLY." 

And she HAD A FEVER, and said her head hurt, when she finally did get up this morning. 

I was RIGHT.  And now I'm afraid. 

See, I just hacked up chunks of lung for the past MONTH.  I can't stand it.  When the kids catch something, I usually get it too. 

I'm so sick of germs: 

Throat infections, ear infections.  Penicillin.  Hives from penicillin, so no more penicillin.  Azithromycin, Amoxicillin.  One of them has some heinous banana flavour added to it, but I can't recall which one.  Acetaminaphen oral suspension.  The baby tylenol costs a fortune for what you get. 

Hooray, the kids old enough to get "children's tylenol"--you get so much more in a bottle!  Tylenol takes a long time to give the kid relief. Ibuprofen works better!  Tylenol takes 30-45 minutes to kick in.  Ibuprofen takes 15 minutes to kick in.  Berry Flavour.  Grape Flavour.  Oops, The Man bought the one that's "dye free" and now the kid is suspicious and WILL NOT SWALLOW IT because it's not f*cking PURPLE. 

Fever of 104 freaking degrees.  Off to the hospital.  Learned at the hospital that you can give the kid tylenol and motrin at nearly the same time, to keep a bugger of a fever at bay.  One year the little guy is sick from January till April with one cold after another.  He looks like a skinny vampire with dark circles under his eyes.  Doctor says there's nothing that can be done.  A kid will have 10 colds a year until they're a little older, with a respite in July and August. 

Stomach bug, or a cold?  The kid vomits at the start of EVERY cold until the age of 4.  Nasty gastro episode:  child vomits every 10 minutes for 17 hours straight, tries to pee and a drip comes out.  KAREN FREAKS.  Off to the hospital, but The Man has to take him so karen can stay at home and wring hands and PACE.  Kid comes home like a ZOMBIE and is desperately thirsty but can only drink a table spoon of repulsive apple flavour Pedialyte every five minutes.  karen probably cries a little in sympathy.  After one particularly nasty gastro bug the kids had, Ella vomitted all day FORCEFULLY until she vomited DARK, almost BLACK stuff.  KAREN FREAKS.  Off go girlie and The Man to the hospital. 

Little girl seems hardier than Jack, but is prone to getting the neverending world's stuffiest nose. Which, in case you didn't read "neverending", takes weeks and weeks to go away, and probably eventually turns into an ear infection. After the third round of antibiotics is given for one particular ear infection, the doctor says that if THIS one doesn't do the trick, she'll have to get tubes in her ears. Kind Chinese doctor at the walkin clinic advises NO MILK, NO DAIRY, which actually seems to improve things.

image from HERE

So you see, I hate germs.  I probably hate them more than you.  And let me tell you this, people, if your kid has yellow ropes coming out of his nose, and a frightening bronchial cough, and he's sitting mere inches away from my kid playing with toys, I want to give you a HUGE SMACK.  WITH MY WHOLE HAND. 

And if your kid just spent the entire night YARKING, but they seemed just fine this morning, WHY ARE YOU EVEN F*CKING TALKING TO ME? 

Because it's the vomiting that gets me the most. 

I was in a car recently with a friend, and she was saying that her son had the stomach flu a couple of days ago, and her husband has it now, and I had to restrain myself from LEAPING OUT OF THE MOVING VEHICLE.  And this one mom at school?  Well, last week she was saying that her youngest daughter, who is in Jack's class, had a fever of 104 freaking degrees, and when she tried to give the kid tylenol, she HURLED ALL OVER THE PLACE.  My first thought was a) why is she standing here telling this to the other moms IN PERSON, and b) can I keep Jack home from school until this blows over??? 

So remember:  if your kid is really sick, I really do care.  And I want to hear all about it.  OVER THE PHONE. 

I think I'm in the running to become the next Howard Hughes


  1. OK, can I just say I agree with you 100 percent?? How about when parents send their SICK KIDS TO SCHOOL after tylenoling them up real good?? And trust me, that happens way more than you think - that drives me crazy. Hilarious post, as usual. :)

  2. kiki was sick with a fever last week and went from screeching 'no medcine taday' to 'more medcine!!!'thats right,if you want to fake out a 2 year old just call it ';special candy' and serve it in a container shaped like a tooth.karen i hope you do not resort to wearing kleenex boxes on your feet and saving all your pee in bottles 'just in case'!

  3. Please clarify "straight guys" next time. I'm right there with you, sister, pressed up against the mirror. So far, flawless! m.

  4. Jessica, I too am aware of this practice. When I'd go to the early year centres, and to nursery school, and even public school, I'd see it (still see it) ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It was even worse with the nursery school kids for some reason, but maybe that's because kids of that age are CONSTANTLY SICK. Thanks, by the way :)

  5. special candy in a tooth container! Paula, that is GENIUS. Damn, why didn't I think of that years ago? I'll tell you why: too burnt out. :) Hope your girlie's all better now!!!

  6. Yes, flawless. But I could see that. Still, we could be mirror buddies.

  7. yup, i could bs my way through a lot of topics.

    i know like you i enjoy writing...who knows?

    after i get through pecking my way through the key board, i might just do that.

    thanks for the encouragement, you crusty woman who is not crusty on sundays.

  8. the older they get they barely get sick........i have not had a cold for over 2 years and guess what?

    i just got my daughters nasty bug.

    over 2 years and i catch a bug now?
    when i feel like shit?

    when i can still pop my arm out of orbit?????????????

    apparently, that can happen cuz it is not fully watch i am gonna have a coughing attack, and my arm is gonna come right off.

  9. Oh dear god. I really hope your arm does NOT come right off. That sounds like some horrible imitation Barbie doll mishap. One time Ken's arm came off, and I had to put him in the vice in my dad's workshop to POP that thing back in again. Genius thinking on my part. got a cold because you're STRESSED!! Geez, how could you not be? But seriously woman, just embrace a new blog genre. You know you can.

  10. I probably shouldn't tell you then that I can projectile vomit. Yeah. It's a wonder the producers of Jackass haven't scouted me. It' terrible. It's my only superhero power.

  11. Howdy sister in sicky land! No, we're not sick now - and we almost never get anything anymore - ever, really, I'm not kidding. I'm so stoked about it and grateful for it that I entered (and won, go figure) a "Fan of the Day" contest on Facebook for the company that keeps us all happy, healthy, happy, healthy - yeah! in the states:
    how do they do it?
    I had full blown flu, needed Tamiflu- $300. The nurse practitioner turned me onto Oscillococcinum. I was better in 30 minutes, fully operational in 24 hours. I stock up on it and Sinus, Cough and Cold. They make children's doses, too. Nothing better.
    Oh! I almost forgot: we all had the real deal Swine flu one year: same results, except the headache seemed to drag on, the chills lasted 3 days instead of 10. That flu was hard core painful, but we fared far better than everyone else in the area.
    P.S. we are drug free except for an occasional dose of "IB Profanely having a headache."

  12. Ugh. I hope your daughter feels better.

  13. and what a power it is, dbs! I only projectile vomited once: it hit the toilet then splashed back and hit my face, and that made me cry somehow, because it was too pathetic to feel THAT rotten with a stomach bug whilst preggos.

  14. Christina, that is DAMN interesting. I'm going to have to check this out. It really works?

  15. thank you Laoch. She seems not too bad really, knock on wood.

  16. Totally beyond "works" my friend. I stand by it, my kids don't have to "use drugs" to suppress symptoms, because the products help your body use its own genius to deal with causes. I used to get sick three or four times a year - now, if I get anything, it came home from school and it's ONCE at most. The very first sign of anything, I mean coughing, sneezing, tired, belly aching - fever ANYTHING - I start the Oscillococcinum until the signs are gone. The siinus and cough tabs ROCK. Today, I had a sore throat, achy when I got up and I'm perfect now. No kidding. One dose, all better. I can't explain it in science terms, but I can as a mom: don't ask just try it and see for yourself. It works and it's all natural - yes - you won't be using antibiotics unless something goes majorly south in some strange way. : )

  17. It's made from duck something or other???

  18. dbs is awesome! Also, by the way, Paula was sick this morning. We think food poisoning, though. Not that that makes it feel any better. No where near it.

  19. OH DEAR GOD--is Paula okay? I don't even LIKE to hear stories about people BEING sick. They only become entertaining when they become totally past tense.

  20. i'm sorry, melissa, but i actually laughed out loud when i read that your arm would fly off while you're coughing. not that it's funny or anything, cuz it's so not.
    karen, i'm sorr your chitlins be sickos. that's one of the benefits of homeschooling - we don't catch every friggin bug that passes through the school. the down side is that i never get a break. ah well, at least i'm healthy while i'm stressed.

  21. oh & i'm totally with you on the mirror/face thing. i've been like that since i hit puberty. i could spend more hours than i like to admit each day picking, digging, prodding & inspecting my face.

  22. Healthy and stressed! Well, Sherilin, I'm unhealthy and stressed! YES! Yeah, I laughed at Melissa's arm description too. Ella seems to be okay--just a weird fever bug that came with a sore throat for a few days.

  23. Yes, it's terrible eh Sherilin? And If I happen to be really stressed that day, I almost can't escape from the mirror!!


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