Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Lousy Teenagers


Blah, blah, blah.

Another blah weekend, with a blah grey sky and some blah dank temperature. 

As if all this weren't bad enough, I'm totally freaking tired.  Some stupid jerk idiot teeangers were having some dumb noisy giggle-filled teenager party last night.  Late into the wee, black hours of the morning (or maybe just 1:30, which seems really late to me now that I'm a grown up loser).  You know--the kind of parties I used to enjoy when I was a freaking teenager, and my hoots were smaller and higher, and my stomach had nary a stretchmark? 

Suck it, teenagers.  Take your total disregard for the people around you, the world in general, for any kind of gravitas and GET STUFFED. 

Was it the giggling that woke me up, or the sound of flip flops tearing across the pavement.  Did it not sound EXACTLY like some kid was running down my driveway?  Beside my freaking bedroom window? 

Oh what--you children think I don't remember what it's like to be at a teen party?  SURE I DO!   I can see it all:  the room is dark so people can either "hook up" or "make out" or cry in a corner, because yeah, your life of no obligation is so HARD, isn't it, TEENAGE TWIT. 

ooop...where was I...

Oh yeah, so while all the kids are in the dark room, and they're drinking their sh*tty cocktails made with all the scrounged booze or whatever quickly-grabbed-and-bought-by-that-friend-who-can-grow-a-beard was procured.  You know the cocktails I'm talking about:  fuzzy navels.  Screwdrivers.  Basically anything called SCHNAPPS.  These are the drinks made with the dusty bottles from the back of the liquor cabinet that are never missed.  Perhaps there's some terrible homemade wine in there as well. 

But wait--buddy went to the liquor store and didn't get CARDED.  He grabbed a big bottle of purple berry cooler.  At first it's good, because it kinda tastes like juice, and juice is good because essentially you're still a FREAKING KID.  But berry coolers do not taste good when they come back UP.  No, not good at all.  In fact, all of these sweet, sweet concoctions all become so terrible when yarked back up, that I'm willing to bet nearly everyone has that one special alcoholic beverage that they still can't even SMELL all these years later because it makes them want to HURK.  Sambuca, Peach Schnapps, Rockaberry cooler, Peppermint Schnapps, Drambuie--pick your poison.

So, all the teenagers are there, and some are making out even though they can't feel their own drunk face anymore, so that can't possibly be quality kissing.  Some of them are throwing up in the kitchen sink, because Sally is upstairs in the can, and has been there alternately ka-karking and passing out for the past couple of hours.  And one of you is sitting on the swing in the back yard crying, because that guy you're in LURV with is inside making out with Brittney, and it's the END OF THE WORLD. 

Maybe there's been some skinny dipping, or swimming in underwear (scandalous).  Maybe there's been some drunk dancing.  Maybe there's been some hand holding with someone who only thinks of you as a friend.  There's probably been a lot of laughing.  Cackling even.  Loud, raucous, obnoxious screaming with laughter. 

Oh crap.  Your shirt has little holes in it from sitting too close to the flying embers of the bonfire. 

F*ck you, teenagers.  I was young once. 

But now I'm old, and tired from WEEDING MY GARDEN, and FERTILIZING MY PLANTS, and TURNING THE COMPOST, and making lunches and dinners and giving angry children baths, and I need my sleep because one of my kids might--JUST MIGHT want to get up at 6 in the morning. 

If I'm lucky. 



  1. You, my friend, have become one of those crotchity old neighbours we used to fear and loathe as teenagers. We were just trying to have a good time without getting into trouble, but nooooo, that neighbour forces us to 'fight for our right to paaaaartaaaay!'

    PS, I completely understand. What's worse is when the noise from the loud, drunken parties is from age peer-groups, and they are adding to it the yelling at their misbehaving kids at 1 am. I feel like yelling at them through my bedroom window, 'The reason your kids are misbehaving is because IT'S 1 AM, AND THEY ARE TIRED AND SHOULD BE IN BED!!! YOU TOO, BY THE WAY!'

    Good gosh, one of them just screamed at their kid just now, as if to reinforce my point. (sigh).

    Good post, Karen, but the teenagers are not the only demographic to make poor choices and overreact. We do a nice job of that as well.

  2. I have reached a point in my life where I used the phrase "When I was your age." Only 30, but I'm already an old fart.

    So I feel ya.

  3. ugh! i still sort of want to participate in parties like that because i sort of still think i'm youngish & hippish. but then i realize how annoying they are and how pathetic their immaturity is when compounded by alcohol & i really just want to slap their faces & tattle to their mommies.

  4. I wish we were neighbors so we could meet in the street and bitch about our kids.

    my teenage daughter is mad at me because I won;t be a bad fatehr and let her do whatever she wants whenever she wants.

  5. It was probably my damn teens. I have no idea where they were last night.

  6. Fortunately you are not feeling grumpy ...

  7. Matt, that's exactly the sort of irony I was trying to convey. I totally remember being the teeanger, and people looking at us like we were just itching to steal something, and now I've become that grownup. So sad. So, so sad.

  8. Oh yes L.i.I.: what goes around sure as hell comes around. And oh how it sucks.

  9. Word, Sherilin. Oh sure, this is at least 10% jealousy :)

  10. Lance, even though my kids are still quite a ways from teenaged angst, I wtill get told how mean I am when I make them GET WASHED or GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

  11. hopefully just roasting marshmallows, dbs.

  12. I love it! I'm glad it isn't just me who looks at the young with scorn!

  13. scorn is right, A&A! I just never figured I would, but oh well--que sera, sera!

  14. OMG did we go to the same parties or what but at different stages? Yeah crying over the loser..I remember that one!

    Well the teeny bobs here keep calling in sick and good old Pam gets called in to work their shitty shit. Yeah love the teens!

  15. but at least you are not partying with your 6 year olds until 1 am.

  16. That's it, I'm keeping my kids small. No Teenagers for me. No Thank you!
    Here's one good thing to look forward to. When you are done raising Teens, I'll just be getting started. And yes, you can give me any advice that you want. God knows I'll need it.
    Your Friend, m.
    p.s. "Hoots"?

  17. Ah Pam, just wait till the really good beach weather arrives, then see how "sick" everyone is.

  18. Good gravy no, Matt. I'm not a total dirt bag, plus, that doesn't sound like much of a party.

  19. Mark, haven't you heard me talk far too often about my hoots? Aka hooters, aka...oh whatever.

    I don't old is your girlie, and your oldest son?

    Jack is 7 and Ella is 4.

  20. Stupid, stupid teenagers. They bring out the angry, for sure.

  21. Yeah, and to think I was one once. But I don't think I was ever that vapid.


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