Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Monday, June 13, 2011

The NEW PMS karen Is So Snuggy

I wuv you all--do you LURV me ?

Does anyone remember the OLD PMS KAREN?  She was so angry!  So acerbic!  So filled with BITING VENEMOUS RAGE!  I still miss her sometimes, to tell you the truth. Vitriole is yummy.

Okay, enough talking in third person...or second person...or whatever.  How come it's never second person? 

Anyhoo, in case you were interested, I am mere days away from enjoying some quality time with my red buddy.  MERE DAYS, people.  So what?  I'm still nice!  At this point, I would have been deep in the heart of two weeks of pure, gorgeous hate.  Maybe today would be the day wherein I would scream at some point; THIS HOUSE IS A PIG STY. 

The house would be a pig sty, of course, because a) I'd be WAY too miserable to clean it for the past 11 days, and b) my COMPLETELY SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL family OF JERKS would be perfectly content to live in their own filth. 

I would hate everyone.  Oh yes, even you.  It would be confusing to you, because mere days before, when I still carried the EGG OF LOVE in my lady core, I'd be so fun, caring, and friendly.  Then the egg would drop, the hormones would shift, and you'd be lucky to get an out-of-office reply to your emails saying; F*CK YOU.  But no, you wouldn't even get that. 

Maybe somewhere around day 9 of hormone hell, if you could force a convo out of me, I could tell you about how I'm DOOMED, AND WE'RE ALL DOOMED, AND RIGHT BEFORE THE EARTH TURNS INTO ONE BIG UNLIVABLE DUMP PIT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET PANCREATIC CANCER, SO WE CAN LIVE OUT OUR LAST, POST-APOCALYPTIC DAYS IN AGONY AND PAIN. 

But then, by day 10, I would revert back to apathy karen:
apathy blech karen:  "I'm not making dinner tonight, and I don't care."

The Man:  "okay, what do you want for dinner tonight?"

apathy blech karen:  "I don't care."

The Man:  "oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I changed the sheets on BLANK's bed.  There was poop on it."

apathy blech karen:  "WHATEVER."

Jack:  "MOOOOOOM!  ELLA KEEPS HITTING ME!"

Ella:  "MOOOOOOOM!  JACK KEEPS CALLING ME ELLIOT!"

......Oh wait...I still don't care about that last one. 



Hee hee!  But that was the OLD KAREN, sillies.  The NEW PMS karen currently has a kitchen so spotless, it's ridiculous.  My bed is even made, for crap's sake. 

And, while the New PMS karen still would rather you DIDN'T touch her, or even let your elbow accidentally brush against her in bed, or your hot foot for that matter--why the hell do your extremities need to be so FREAKING HOT all the time, anyway?!? 

Yes, while I'd still rather you keep a gentle distance, I feel calm, and pleasant, and have been thinking dreamily of love, and past crushes.  I've been thinking of the wonders of gardening--the mysterious commune with plants, and the vast need for patience and order. 

See, I just dropped a hundred bucks at the garden centre on Sunday, and when I hopped in to my flower CRAMMED car, I was thinking gooey crap about how my car is filled with LIFE, and this is what LIFE feels like, and what beauty SMELLS like, and how marvelous it is to grow things, and make every corner of your world beautiful...and tinkle...tinkle...tinkle... ice cream trucks and rainbows...and heart-shaped butterflies!


The old PMS karen would have been freaking out that some lady was ambling across the parking lot, IN MY WAY, taking her sweet ass time, and I'd have been thinking; "GET OUT OF MY WAY A$$HOLE I NEED TO GO HOME AND PLANT MY F*CKING GARDEN." 

You're welcome people.  You should all write a letter of thanks to the woman who invented THE SUPPLEMENT

21 comments:

  1. Dear Jesus! I have a young daughter. Is this what I have to look forward to in about 5 years? I'm so frightened!!!
    Any advice? Or should I just trade her in for a few more boys. All they do is break or punch something and then they're all better.
    m.

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  2. the man , must be beside himself with joy, at the new flowery and sunshine karen.

    and i was just getting used to your crust. good thing you threw in some pretend profanities, so you could let the masses (followers)
    down easy.

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  3. no, no, Mark--no need to worry. I was in the bottom 3% or something crazy like that of INSANE PMS sufferers. But you will get some moodiness. OH YES. She looks like such a sweet thing though, it's hard to imagine she'll want to tear your head off one day.

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  4. those aren't "pretend" profanities, Melissa dearest. I love swears. "Fuck" is my favourite word--and not in the dirty sense, in the anger-relief sense. The only reason I don't for real swear in my blog is because those words are PRECIOUS, and yu can't just go tossing them around like their candy.

    Oh, and my dad and inlawas MIGHT read it once in a blue moon.

    Yeah, I'm not nearly as crusty. NO wait--not nearly as ANGRY. Still crusty :)

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  5. "like their candy."

    I just totally violated my own pet peeve of "there, their, and they're."

    So sad.

    like THEY'RE candy. There. All better.

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  6. I stay up late to finish my work so I can enjoy your blog - AND I'M SO GLAD I DID! I laughed out loud so hard at the part of your life filled car and yelling at the lady!!! I'm still laughing - !!! Go plant, pop candy and be merry-you are the best!

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  7. yeah, but the good news is, Christina, that I DIDN'T yell at the passer-by for a change. Yay me!

    Oh, I'm on the verge of some major planting. I'm just waiting for The Man to procure some DIRT for me.

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  8. i think it is too early for pms, but if i hear momeeeeeee!!! one more time i may rip someones head off! i think you are like italian bread ;all crusty on the outside ,but soft and mushy on the inside!

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  9. Hmmm...you may be right, Paula. You may be right. Speaking of PMS, I had a good dose of the old fashioned kind today. I guess 2 days of it is far better than 14, but just the same, the children would NOT stop talking today, and Jack kept saying "Mom, look at this...Mom, watch this...Mom look at me," and bless his chocolate milk loving soul, but he was making me want to SCREAM. So yes, I hear you.

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  10. So it's working??? Great!!
    Well i am slugging it out at the grocery store! Can you spell HELL?

    Are we to expect new sugary posts from now on???

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  11. Bitch, do we have a lot in common... I have been taking some other magical herbs for like four years now. I'd never really had PMS, then it started creeping up on me... In my fucking 30s, no less. What the fuck?? The whole deal -- cramps, bloating, PSYCHOTIC, IRRATIONAL RAGE. (Though I have to say, no one does psychotic irrational rage like I do, though you sound pretty darn close).

    Once or twice I was even plunged swiftly (actually, is there any other way to plunge? like... slowly? Nah. So I was probably being redundant. Whatever.) into near suicidal depression... and it felt so sudden it was scary. Like I'd been pushed off an emotional cliff without even seeing someone come up behind me.

    So though I'm not earthy crunchy... yet have somewhat become so... I went to this acupuncture/herb guy. I was skeptical but desperate. He put me on these chinese hormone balancing herbs. Wanna know the name? (And I know that you do!) It's called "Happy Day." I. shit. you. not.

    Or at least that's their english translation for "Makes crazy bitch less scary."

    And they do. They changed my life. Plus I'd had irregular periods most of my life, but couldn't take the pill to regulate them, because hormones made me EVEN SCARIER. All sorts of bad side effects. But with these herbs? MAGIC. Zero side effects. As long as I take them exactly as prescribed (ie three times a day, which sucks, but who cares)

    I have used them for YEARS. Then, about a year and a half ago, started getting some PMS again... and the same dude said it was because I was starting to get older... starting to leave the "reproductive phase" behind (though he said it in a more zen way, something about the cycle of life,) and heading toward a new phase, and thus my body needed an additional type of support. So he added something to the happy day, a new herb. Started taking that one, plus was still taking the Happy Day, and again -- voila. Amazing. Went back to totally fine.

    Then... I left Los Angeles, where it's easy to find such holistic people who know about this shit... and now I'm in freakin' pennsyltucky... and by coincidence I was having an exam by my new "lady doctor," and she found something which required a biopsy. It turned out fine, but to be sure, she'd ordered an ultrasound of my pelvis. And there she noticed my uterus was clinging to its lining like a hoarder with old newspapers.

    Sigh.

    Had that biopsied. All fine. But -- a uterus apparently needs to clean house regularly... or it starts to make a nice welcoming nest for cancer. So... we gotta figure out how to make the ol' gal give away her stuff on a regular basis, or slim down, or whatever. Now the regular ie western doc wants to put me on hormones. I said "what would be the side effects?" She casually says: Oh, maybe some irritability and mood swings.

    ARE YOU SHITTING ME? HAVE YOU MET ME? HAVE YOU READ MY FUCKING BLOG???
    YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAND ME AN ASSAULT FUCKING RIFLE WITH A SNIPER SCOPE.

    Jesus.

    Anyways... have a phone call scheduled with my old herb dude back in L.A. for later this week and am hoping he can offer me some alternatives.

    Being a woman is bullshit.

    But -- I'm totally with you on the herbs. Sometimes that earthy/crunch/granola/holistic stuff is amazing. Those herbs really made me question all that traditional western medicine stuff.

    Oh -- which reminds me -- one day I'll have to tell you the story of two separate times that western med docs totally unnecessarily put me on meds I didn't need and misdiagnosed me horribly. Once, it was so bad I ended up in the ER, where I hallucinated on pain meds. FABULOUS story.

    Loved this post. Though I can say... I have a hard time seeing you gardening, though most people have a hard time seeing me become the herb-taking, meditating (sometimes, yoga die-hard I strangely am now. Ah, the paradoxes of crazy bitches!

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  12. Holy verbal diarrhea, batman! After I hit "publish," I saw how freakin' long that comment was. Wow. Apologies. I'm supposed to save my lengthy diatribes and such for my own blog and not clog up the blogs of others. Oops! Maybe I shoulda previewed it first... (duh).

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  13. Yay! So glad you've got some friggin' relief, girl! PMDD is no joke! And awesome hubby coming up with that "you're always cute" on his feet like that. LOL

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  14. No sugary posts today, Pam. I completely feel like ripping someone's head off. Some random passerby will do. Oh well. Like I said to my sister: 2 days of homicidal pms is better than 2 weeks. I think. No, it's true.

    Hope your job is not too hideous!

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  15. Minka, can we be friends forever? I so enjoy your replies. I was laughing right along, and really loud at the "happy day" business until I hit the word BIOPSY. SCREEEECH.....fibroids? Blech. What if my stupid uterus isn't cleaning house???

    Yeah, I so, so wished that I had my own naturopath, or holisitic healer, but DAMN, I is unemployed! By choice, but whatever. Here is my hippy-esque view on the world: for every sickness, nature has an antidote. It's a whole balance thing. When I was in Mexico, there was this plant that was really toxic, however, nearby to this plant, a certain type of tree always grows, and if you peel the bark off, there is an 'antidote' to the negative plant's effects.

    That was typically girl-detail-lousy, but you get my drift. These over-the-counter buddies seem to be working for me for now.

    Yeah, I lost my mind with gardening last year after my Mom died. Became a total zealot.

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  16. Minka, no need to apologise. The comments sedction is WHERE IT'S AT. I lurv the comments section. So, write whatever the hell you want!!!

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  17. yes, very clever, isn't he, Maria. I say this with half assed, half heartedness today, because I'm cranky and he's a little bit on my hit list.

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  18. I think that picture you used nearly gave ME PMS.

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