|R. Patz: "how come I'm getting uglier with each new movie?"|
K. Stew: How come my acting has remained consistently wooden?
karen: WHY do I even go see these movies?
Okay, at the risk of sounding like some immature, overgrown, strange COUGAR / TEEN hybrid, I have to lament something here:
ME NOT HAPPY.
That stupid next Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn" won't be coming out until FREAKING NOVEMBER. It's true. I just googled it.
I was sure it was coming out this summer, and that meant I was going to get all perfumed up with my sexier capri pants...or maybe even shorts! YES, SHORTS! Then I would get my sister, and we would shamelessly head to the movie theatre and watch that latest piece of tripe.
Because let's face it: those movies are NOT good. Sorry "Team Jacob." Sorry "Team Edward," they are not good movies. But, we go see them because we read every freaking book, and while we kinda developed a solid 'LIKE' for Bella by the end, we really only read them because when we lay down in bed at night next to that 200 degree noise machine known as our husbands, we imagined that an articulate, well-read vampire with devil-may-care hair would swoop in through the window and watch us all night, just because he thinks we're PURDY WHEN WE SLEEP.
But let's not confuse EDWARD with R. PATZ. Edward makes my toes curl. R. Patz looks like he's got lipstick on in the past few movies. Also, not long after the first movie came out, there was some photo spread of the guy in a big magazine, and one of the photos revealed him to be V. HAIRY. Like, to get into character to be Edward, he's probably shaving those arms, and shaving that chest starting right under his throat. Not that I have a problem with chest hair. Hellz no. It can be fantastically manly.
But I digress.
Oh wait a minute...I just realised something: some of you have already stopped reading this at the word "Twilight." And some of you are 'pretending' you don't like the books. Do you think I'M happy about it? I'm THIRTY NINE FREAKING YEARS OLD FOR CRAP'S SAKE. When I went to the movie theatre to see those movies, I was crammed in among a sea of idiotic teen girls. Idiotic, loud, obnoxious, potty-mouth, perfume soaked teen girls. So idiotic, in fact, that I spent at least the first third of the movie pondering whether I was EVER that idiotic when I was a teen girl.
CONCLUSION: NO. I was NEVER that idiotic.
It was in one of those girl-choked theatres that I learned the term "Va-jay-jay." So, that was kind of exciting.
Idiotic Teen Girl: "Ohmygod, if you did that, I would like totally rip off your VAJAYJAY."
I have personally amended this super fun genital slang to "Va-gee-gee." It's not spelled VAJINA, girls. Let's all try to use our brains. And oh yes, I use that term too. Because I'm DOWN like that.
So okay, you don't like Twilight. You don't want to read the books, even though it's summer, and they are so brainlessly, pleasurably readable, that you could knock off the whole series in about a week or two. But noooooo....those are books for KIDS, but how do you know if you haven't read them?
I will say this: I recommend the books. Who doesn't like a break from thinking? Who hates romance? Pppft. I do NOT recommend the movies though. I'm willing to try to save you from them. You're welcome. They're terrible.
Okay, which movie was the one in which Edward had to pretend he never wanted to be with Bella again, because he was worried his vampire family would accidentally eat her, so he left her, dumped and broken-hearted in the middle of the forest? And in the book, Bella is understandably, and believably devastated, but in the movie that adorable, wooden Kristen Stewart can barely even cough up a fake tear?
Come on, you know the part I'm talking about:
Kristen Wooden Bella, immediately after Edward has told her she'll never see her again, and then takes off with super vampire speed:
"Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward. Edward."
And ohmygod, how about that scene at the end when Bella is running through the festival-crowded streets of a picturesque Italian village, trying to get to Edward before he steps into the sunny streets to --no, not kill himself, this is a modern vampire tale-- to reveal his disco ball skin to the world, and out himself as a VAMPIRE, thus bringing the WRATH OF THE VOLUTURI, AN ANCIENT VAMPIRE LEAGUE UPON HIM BECAUSE HE THINKS BELLA IS DEAD AND EVEN THOUGH HE DUMPED HER, HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER AND HOLY CRAP THIS IS TEDIOUS AND REALLY MELODRAMATIC AND STOOPID...
and all I could think was; "wow, he really had to shave up for this scene," and, "is it true that they painted abs on him with makeup? Hrm..." and; "oh my god. I just wasted twenty bucks again."
That being said, I'm still pissed that I have to wait till November 18 :(
Fess up, homegirls and homeboys: what's your guilty secret?