Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Damn You Twilight

R. Patz:  "how come I'm getting uglier with each new movie?"
K. Stew:  How come my acting has remained consistently wooden? 
karen:  WHY do I even go see these movies?

Okay, at the risk of sounding like some immature, overgrown, strange COUGAR / TEEN hybrid, I have to lament something here:


That stupid next Twilight movie, "Breaking Dawn" won't be coming out until FREAKING NOVEMBER.  It's true.  I just googled it. 

I was sure it was coming out this summer, and that meant I was going to get all perfumed up with my sexier capri pants...or maybe even shorts!  YES, SHORTS!  Then I would get my sister, and we would shamelessly head to the movie theatre and watch that latest piece of tripe. 

Because let's face it:  those movies are NOT good.  Sorry "Team Jacob."  Sorry "Team Edward," they are not good movies.  But, we go see them because we read every freaking book, and while we kinda developed a solid 'LIKE' for Bella by the end, we really only read them because when we lay down in bed at night next to that 200 degree  noise machine known as our husbands, we imagined that an articulate, well-read vampire with devil-may-care hair would swoop in through the window and watch us all night, just because he thinks we're PURDY WHEN WE SLEEP.


But let's not confuse EDWARD with R. PATZ.  Edward makes my toes curl.  R. Patz looks like he's got lipstick on in the past few movies.  Also, not long after the first movie came out, there was some photo spread of the guy in a big magazine, and one of the photos revealed him to be V. HAIRY.  Like, to get into character to be Edward, he's probably shaving those arms, and shaving that chest starting right under his throat.  Not that I have a problem with chest hair.  Hellz no.  It can be fantastically manly. 

But I digress.

Oh wait a minute...I just realised something:  some of you have already stopped reading this at the word "Twilight."  And some of you are 'pretending' you don't like the books.  Do you think I'M happy about it?  I'm THIRTY NINE FREAKING YEARS OLD FOR CRAP'S SAKE.  When I went to the movie theatre to see those movies, I was crammed in among a sea of idiotic teen girls.  Idiotic, loud, obnoxious, potty-mouth, perfume soaked teen girls.  So idiotic, in fact, that I spent at least the first third of the movie pondering whether I was EVER that idiotic when I was a teen girl. 

CONCLUSION:  NO.  I was NEVER that idiotic. 

It was in one of those girl-choked theatres that I learned the term "Va-jay-jay."  So, that was kind of exciting. 

Idiotic Teen Girl:  "Ohmygod, if you did that, I would like totally rip off your VAJAYJAY."

I have personally amended this super fun genital slang to "Va-gee-gee."  It's not spelled VAJINA, girls.  Let's all try to use our brains.  And oh yes, I use that term too.  Because I'm DOWN like that. 

So okay, you don't like Twilight.  You don't want to read the books, even though it's summer, and they are so brainlessly, pleasurably readable, that you could knock off the whole series in about a week or two.  But noooooo....those are books for KIDS, but how do you know if you haven't read them? 

I will say this:  I recommend the books.  Who doesn't like a break from thinking?  Who hates romance?  Pppft.  I do NOT recommend the movies though.  I'm willing to try to save you from them.  You're welcome.  They're terrible. 

Okay, which movie was the one in which Edward had to pretend he never wanted to be with Bella again, because he was worried his vampire family would accidentally eat her, so he left her, dumped and broken-hearted in the middle of the forest?  And in the book, Bella is understandably, and believably devastated, but in the movie that adorable, wooden Kristen Stewart can barely even cough up a fake tear?

Come on, you know the part I'm talking about:

Kristen Wooden Bella, immediately after Edward has told her she'll never see her again, and then takes off with super vampire speed: 

"Edward.      Edward.        Edward.       Edward.      Edward."  


And ohmygod, how about that scene at the end when Bella is running through the festival-crowded streets of a picturesque Italian village, trying to get to Edward before he steps into the sunny streets to --no, not kill himself, this is a modern vampire tale-- to reveal his disco ball skin to the world, and out himself as a VAMPIRE, thus bringing the WRATH OF THE VOLUTURI, AN ANCIENT VAMPIRE LEAGUE UPON HIM BECAUSE HE THINKS BELLA IS DEAD AND EVEN THOUGH HE DUMPED HER, HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER AND HOLY CRAP THIS IS TEDIOUS AND REALLY MELODRAMATIC AND STOOPID...

and all I could think was; "wow, he really had to shave up for this scene," and, "is it true that they painted abs on him with makeup?  Hrm..."  and; "oh my god.  I just wasted twenty bucks again."

That being said, I'm still pissed that I have to wait till November 18 :( 

Fess up, homegirls and homeboys:  what's your guilty secret?


  1. Wait, painted abs?!? Can I do that for boobs? Just asking.

    Don't worry November 18 will come soon enough and by then we can get all sexied-out in our leather pants. You know, it'll be colder then....

  2. my guilty secret, i listen to 'coast to coast am' its a late night radio show about all things creepy...ghosts ufo's multiverse ect..i know it's a bit weird but i lurv it!!

  3. you are really sassy aren't you karen.

    making a whole post knowing i HATE vampirish lunacy.

    i never fell for harry potter, or twilight.

    the actors who play edward and bella just creep me right out.

    they did find good actors to play those parts, THEIR EYES ARE SUCH SHIFTY LITTLE SLITS, THEY SCARE ME.

    NOPE, i prefer to keep my brain in the mundane anne of green gables porn, and soft kittens.

    i don,t need to go to sleep each night with an army of wooden rolling pin men in my bed, beside my 200 pound snoring machine.

    i have an oversized vivid imagination and do not need harry, edward or bella exploding my mind into complete pandamonium.

    besides, leather pants gag me, and i am allergic to perfume.

  4. I'm pretty sure I would be interested in these movies if you wrote the screenplays.

  5. dbs wins the prize again! You should write a screen play. So, it's decided then. My command is your wish. Casted with emotional actors, exaggerated love, and 100% zombie-free after the vampire uprising of '35. It screams 'trilogy'!

  6. How wonderful to read your blog, I was in hysterics in a public place while on a business trip with lots of people staring at me. Your perspective is awesome and as a 36 year old woman I understand, usually I prefer the book than the adaptation but there have been a few films over the years that have been exceptions. When I learned that Anne Rice came back after something like a decade and wrote the screenplay for ‘Interview With The Vampire’, I knew I would most likely be intoxicated by the film. I keep a blog myself and it’s entirely dedicated to all aspects of film but character development and the actor who plays the character. I love having a hobby like writing and music and they are what keep me sane outside my fast paced life. Because I love to write and I require a resources that allows me the movies and TV options necessary to give me an array of choices. It was a bit shocking that Comcast wasn’t making 100% digital programming available plus had such limitations in their programming and initial free equipment. International channels were quite limited which means my writing would suffer on that level and they were not offering HD free for life. This certainly would not work due to the type of writing I do which is all based off movies and the actors surrounding them. Now I did find that with Dish Network I can get more programming and movie channels for far less money plus a free Sling Adapter which fits me as I travel a lot and need to bring my services with me. I ended up changing jobs and started working for Dish Network, still traveling a lot but understanding better how all this is possible. Now I am clear that whatever makes it easiest to work and enjoy my own hobby is what is necessary which brings happiness to me and my internet family. After getting all my research done and mostly on my trips I can just come home and truly enjoy the beauty of my hobbies which are so imperative not just to me but to those who come and share in the passion. Keep writing, I will try to visit your site more often as your straight forward approach is a breath of fresh air ever since I left the East Coast.

  7. Ah, Karen, another gem, Secrets, from me? Heck, uh, I hate wearing make-up, shoes, not having cream for coffee and hearing people whine about government. The chest painting reminded me of:
    Reason # 445 I knew relationship was doomed when:
    he asked, should I groom my manliness?
    A. if you have to ask you're a dork
    B. if you haven't decided if you care, you're a dork
    C. if you read it in a "manly" magazine you're a dork
    D. if your chest hair is an issue, ask a gay man (they know more than me, dude)

  8. I am not a Twilight fan, despite loving vapid pop culture of all kind, the shallower the better. Also dont care for True Blood, so maybe its avampire thing?

    Am darn curious about the painted abs thing though....

  9. Lizbeth, yes, that is the rumour: re; painted abs. Hell, why not paint on some boobs? Maybe I could do some TROMPE L'OEIL to get rid of my double chin?

    I would try on leather pants, if only for the hysterical pee my pants this looks so bad factor.

  10. ooo...Paula's in tune with the X FILES of life! What time is that on? Prob way past my loser bed time.

  11. ha ha ha Melissa, okay, so right after I said I hate vampires, I talk about Twilight. Still, I don't like vampires or find them anything more than STALE, but I did enjoy the books, because a good teen book is still a fun read--especially after I tried to read 3 Oprah book club books in a row. That woman is a bummer.

  12. thanks dbs...I wonder if I have a romantic bone in my body left though for a screenplay like that...ah hell, it'd be better without it

  13. Can it make me very, very rich, Matt, so I can ELIMINATE ANTS FROM MY HOME PERMANENTLY?!? Yes, that is my dream, that and a nice cupboard for recylclables.

  14. oprahs bookds tend to be depressing.

  15. thank you so much ameyer13, you're very kind :) I'm glad you had a positive hysterical moment, and not the screaming idiot mom kind I often have here at home:

    ie; WHERE IS MY BRA?!?!?!

    Yeah, forget I wrote that.

    Anyhoo I love to write too, and that's why blog land is so good--it reminded me that I still had a pre-children brain cell or two left.

  16. ask a gay man!!! Christina--LURV IT.

    I've been hating wearing makeup too. I'm finally casting off the shackles of 1980'S KAREN. Hooray.

  17. Hi Brahm and welcome! Yeah, it could well be a vampire thing. Vampires are tedious: always TOO SEXY, often in tight leather clothes, hopping around and hissing at everyone...pppft.

    Incidentally, I did love the Sookie Stackhouse books that the show is based on--they're better than the show (True Blood), but really light and fluffy. One could polish off a book in an afternoon by the pool.

  18. YES MELISSA--you agree with me--the Oprah books are super downers.

  19. coast to coast am is on from like 1-5 i do not stay up late, but someone who does posts it on youtube.try typing in coast to coast am with a name like 'david iche' or ' steve quayle' maybe '.richard c hoagland' you may get addicted to the weirdness!

  20. Karen, I hope we can still be friends.

    I HATED the Twilight books. Well, the first one, because I could barely manage to get through that one without punching myself in the head to make the stupid stop.

    I only saw the first movie, too, and that was under duress, and I spent the entire time saying to my girlfriend, who was swooning with love over Edward, "He is a CREEPY OLD GUY WHO WATCHES HER SLEEP. HE IS CREEPY." And then she told me to stop it and let her enjoy the movie, so I sat and ate my popcorn and wondered how the hell Kristin Stewart managed to be so wooden. Is she related to Pinocchio?

    PS I love Harry Potter.

    PPS My guilty pleasures are the Janet Evanovich books [I have them all in hardcover, THAT'S how dedicated I am, even though they kind of started to suck for a while].

    PPSS My guilty pleasure that is actually good is Jennifer Crusie's books. I LOVE HER WRITING SHE IS A GENIUS. Romance, fun, smut, it's all in there. Plus, she's an excellent writer.

  21. I appreciate weirdness Paula--as long as it doesn't lean toward the psychotic or the guy in a chat room a million years ago who lamented how difficult life was being hot and horny for his MOTHER.

    Ooo...creepier than fiction

  22. Oh Ms. Suniverse--how could I hate you? I secretly wish I could come to one of your parties and we could spend ample amounts of time talking about the stuff we made to eat and how we concocted it.

    I think I have a weakness for teen fiction--the angsty "I wuv him, but so far all we've done is some heavy petting" kind.

    I will look up the other authors you mentioned because I'm dying for a good summer read. DYING FOR ONE. WAIT--I'm going to the library now! What luck...

  23. p.s. I love Harry Potter too. We're so excited for the movies that the Man and I will be dumping the kids off at his parents' next weekend specifically so we can see that movie.

    p.p.s. Did you totally HATE Dolores Umbridge? That was a painful book to make it through thanks to her.

  24. From the male perspective I have to say that these films sound truly ghastly. But I believe people should have cheesy fun so I hope you will enjoy the next one.

  25. that is a whole other kind of weird ewwww!!read any philippa gregory? the other bolyn girl was awsome, but the movie made me want to throw up it was so bad, and had almost nothing to do with the book. the wide acher series by her is really good too,some strange characters,and a bit o'smutt.

  26. Karen, get Ron Howard to direct your script (by sleeping with him or something - for the 'greater good' of course - don't forget those leather pants) and you will be taking that cheque to the bank for all the recycling cupboards your little heart desires!

    I forget most of the other comments because I blacked out there for awhile after someone meantioned Oprah.

    As for Kristen Stewart, I think she was attempting to be deep, conflicted and complex, in a words-cannot-express kind of way. Result: stunned nothingness.

  27. Paula, you are a wealth of good book recommendations. I'm going to have to devote a whole page in my Think Pad to your book lists

  28. Laoch, they're ghastly from male or female perspective, but us chicks just won't ADMIT IT.

    Ah well, it's an evening out!

  29. stunned nothingness or decide.

    Matt, Ron Howard is not Hawt. Hey, what am I saying though--maybe he'd say the same thing about moi!

    All we were saying about the Oprah books, Matt, is that they will suck all the life and joy out of your core. I guess Oprah thinks that a good book talks about SUFFERING.

  30. Let's not forget Edward's family in the movies! Terrible..... that one brother? I forget the name... the hair! It's so terribly curly like a cupid! Not manly or sexy AT ALL. And the Volturi? The leader looks like a vamped version of PeeWee!

    At least Jacob is ripped... ripped for real. He could use a nose job, but I could totally live with him so long as he wears a bag over his head.... or gets a nose job. The latter would be a much better alternative. His abs are sexAY.

    But yes... the movies stink...
    and yes, I still want to see it. Don't you remember when we used to rent cheesy stinko '80s movies simply BECAUSE they were horrid?


  31. Aim, I was SO hoping you'd mention that curly haired Cullen brother Nerdo. I'm so happy now. I'm also delighted that you mentioned the Pee-wee esque leader of the Volturi. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Jasper! That's the brother's name.

    So, are you saying you're TEAM JACOB then? or TEAM JACOB WITH A NOSE JOB???

  32. I saw the first movie and was so disappointed that I haven't watched any others. I was kinda the same way with the books, though. I enjoyed the first one, but I didn't enjoy 2-4 as much.

    My confession? I'm a Potter nerd.

  33. I just want there to be a record number of comments on a single blog entry....

    Karen, you therefore NEED to reply.

  34. as if I could NOT reply. Hey, but wasn't there 39 comments on my POOP post? Hrm...I'll have to look up which one holds the record, just pour vous, Matt. I know you dig stats.

  35. A&A, I will admit the 2nd book was pretty tedious. I have to give Stephanie Meyer some credit though: the last book was FILLED with unexpected plot twists.

    And oh yes...can't wait till I get my chance to see the last Harry Potter!

  36. Hey Matt,

    "karen's Top 20 Most Loathed songs" had the most comments at 48,

    "Poop" comes in at 46 and

    "Boobies" at 38 comments :)

  37. Well then, this will be tied for third... (unless you reply AGAIN!)

  38. Damn it Matt! Of course I have to reply! I SUPER HEART COMMENTS


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