Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Hummus Is Giving Me HEARTBURN

Holy sh*t...the TUMS can kick in any time now. 

I have to confess something:  I am OBSESSED with HUMMUS right now.  You've had hummus, right?  Chick peas...GARLIC...tahini...lemon juice, etc, all blended down into THE DIP OF THE GODS.  This appears to be a kick that I'm on right now.  Soon I will hate it, but first I will eat it until a) I burn myself out, or b) acid burns a hole through my stomach. 

I have been trying to incorporate it into nearly every meal.  No, not a lot; I know it's fattening, okay?  Let's see:

* Saturday morning I ate it for breakfast on baby carrots.  It was great, but then I felt disappointed because I'd already consumed enough calories for breakfast, and it didn't feel breakfasty at all.  I looked at the box of raisin bran, and shed a small tear. 

Also, it wasn't a very yummy combo with coffee.

* On Sunday I lived the dream and had a canned salmon and hummus sandwich.  My only regret is that the hummus wasn't more noticeable. 

* Monday:  more carrots and hummus at various points of the day.  It's also not bad on RITZ crackers, but I'm thinking the calories will add up with an alarming rate.  Ditto for ridgy potato chips.

* I also eat it directly off the spoon.  This is smart, I'm thinking, because the transport medium has no calories.  I'M A FREAKING GENIUS.  Oh wait...maybe not;  I do this with Nutella as well.  This is why I never buy Nutella.

I need more recipes with hummus.  It's getting a little repetitive. 

There is, of course, another problem besides some nice, churling acid indigestion: 


I used to be completely phobic about having bad breath.  Or body odour of any kind.  I think I still have a phobia of raw onions. If you ever serve me a salad with little slices of raw onion in it, they will be discreetly left behind.  And as for fears of not smelling bodily AWESOME?   Let us not speak of that one incident with the all natural deodorant, during another phase in my hopeless quest to give up traditional aluminum-filled anti-perspirant for good.  Update:  still wearing the name brand stuff :(

Actually, I just realised I don't care about the bad breath.  Sorry, The Man.  If I really want to admit it, it's all going downhill now that I'm 39.  I go outside to water the flowers wearing the white shorts that I've probably had since I was 16.  They're so completely stretched out, that if I so much as put a dime in the pocket, those things are coming down.  I don't even know what's holding them together any longer--oh, yes I do:  LOVE. 

When I fill up my watering can?  I bend right from the waist.  Yeah, that's right.  I don't give a crap.  And my THIRTY NINE YEAR OLD ASS faces right out onto the road.  But guess what--NOBODY CARES.  They're too busy checking out the 19 year old hotty who walks her dog down my street.  Hell, it's too hot for makeup lately, so sometimes I've been going without.  How about my giant hair/sponge that sucks up great pints of humidity?  I've been throwing that into those stupid hair clips we girls all used to wear--what are they called...butterfly clips?  I think these ones came with Ella's doll.  That's right, Ella's doll.  This means they're pink and purple, and shaped like butterflies, with little sparkly jewels on them. 

F*ck it, I'm 39. 

Who am I going to be fancy for?  THE MAN?  Pfft.  Chances are, if he looked at me in THAT WAY, I'd probably ask him what the freak he was looking at, and don't even think of touching me, because I'm a human pms water tower, and roughly half of that water is in my FACE, and my t*ts hurt so much these days, that I try to pretend they're not even there, and oh, that reminds me:  the underwire snapped in my bra the other day when I stood up, so I just yanked those wire bits out, and I've been wearing the saggy thing sans wire and who cares that it doesn't give me the right LIFT and SEPARATION any longer, because it's



Better go easy on the hummus tomorrow. 


  1. If you're trying to turn me on, it's not working. ha!
    Your Friend, m.

  2. I haven't had heartburn since I gave up red meat 8 years ago.
    But the heat is still killing me too.

  3. The flowers are beautiful. You must water yours because I gave up. Holy heck it is hot here!!!! I felt like I was looking in the mirror. I usually can't wait for the underwire to break so I can finally have a decent bra that is not killing me and it is already worn in. Oh, those shorts, yeah mine are my maternity pj's and my favorites. Grab a cold one and stick your feet in some cold water, that's my suggestion. The hummus, yeah not so much into that.

  4. really ...hummus and canned salmon, ugh,the only thing worse would be if you washed it down with a can of clamato juice!!maybe this is your sly way of telling us that there is a bun in the oven?

  5. dbs--not even after pumpkin pie with whipped cream? Spaghetti with a big glass of RED WINE? That doesn't GET YOU????

  6. Yeah, I confess Alaina--I do water them. However, I for the most part only choose DROUGHT TOLERANT plants now. I do a few pots of annuals, but that doesn't require ridiculous amounts of water luckily. should see my lawn: CRUNCHY.

    I found a bra that's comfy even with the wire! I should tell you the name and model, so you can go out and buy it.

  7. Paula LOL to you as well! Washed down with clamato. Yeah, I agree it's a creepy combination, but NEED finds a WAY!

    Paula my love, there will never be a bun in my oven again :)

  8. I am living in a parallel universe! Except it's called the west, and I'm 42!!! Shit, Karen. Have we given up?!?!? I finally shaved my thighs because it's summer, and my hubby made too many 'Wookie' jokes and if I moved too fast, I smelled burning hair! Oh,middle age can bite me!

  9. i lurv some hummus right along with you. i go through spells of loving it & eating large quanitities because f#ck the calories, i wants me some hummus! i actually had some tonight on my veggie wrap & we like to eat it with cucumber slices as the transport. i think eating it blobbed into salad is really good too. see, when you mix it with the veg, it's less guilt inducing. and makes that green stuff slide down so much nicer.

  10. Oh, I love you, Karen - I have not laughed all damn day! And you just sucked it out of me. Goddess puts a dime in her pocket and accidently moons the Hottie Ho with the Bad Dawg - ha! Go you! Stink on my fine sweaty ass friend. And tell us all about it - Nutella is HEAVEN until you reach the bottom of the container - then it is HELL wishing you had bought two.
    There's an elderly man who walks our neighborhood every day of the year. The kids stop and stare in the summer: he only wears a Speedo - and those Rx Sunglasses - and a hat, socks and shoes - yeah, that happens every day - 1 hairy belly, four eyes popping out & two mouths forming, "EWWWWwwww!"

  11. Leanne--that is hilarious. Simply hilarious. You smelled burning hair. ROCK ON SISTER. Pfft...Men can be as wookie-ish as they want, why can't we?

  12. Ooo! Okay people, Sherilin is the only person to give me more tips on how to enjoy hummus. Thank you for sharing the hummus lurv, Sherilinnie.

    I wonder if it makes broccoli more palatable...

  13. ohmygod, Christina--what an image, re; man with too little clothing.

    Well, there's a lesson to be learned from this man, people: DON'T SUCCUMB TO society's expectations, and be comfortable in your own FREAK SKIN.


    Yeah, I'm wearing these shorts right now. The only reason I shouldn't wear them in public is because they will no longer support my car keys.

  14. Bwaaahhh!!! Hummus is good till I reach a certain point then I'm all like, "I'm a gunna hurl" and then I'm done with it for about a year.

  15. O my goodness, you is one funny gal! I have to keep track of you!

    PS - I adore hummus to a much lesser degree.

  16. Hummus + grilled chicken = OMFG so good.

    I like the Tom's of Maine deoderant, but only in the winter. In the summer? I'm kinder to everyone by purchasing the real/evil stuff.

    I bet you look saucy, anyway. Stupid heat.

  17. I'm going to reach that point, Lizbeth. I can feel it. It's how all good kicks end--even if the food at the time is red licorice.

  18. Ms Suniverse: hummus + grilled chicken! That sounds good. I've had to lay off the stuff a little bit.

    Yeah, it's stupid hot, and all rules of clothing fly out the window when it's like this. I've said "stupid hot" so much lately I'm starting to piss myself off.

  19. why thank you, Sandy and/or Doris :) How nice of you to say.

    Fair enough, I can see that a garbonzo bean dip isn't for all. But everyone has their own personal food weakness, so what is yours?

  20. sherilinnie to the rescue with the hummus tips. and mine will all be vegetarian too since i don't put meat in my mouth.

  21. yes, yes. I have not forgotten you're a veggie. I like the way you worded that just now though. I already planned that when you come and visit, I'll make my amazing mac and cheese :)

  22. Hummus is great - I like it on toasted whole wheat pita chips, I agree it's great as dressing for a salad too. And on just about any veggie - celery works good if you are trying to get the least calories, green/red pepper is yummy too. My dad makes it from scratch, its super yummy, he claims its really easy - I've never tried but you are pretty handy in the kitchen. Have you tried tzatki (totally spelled wrong), cucumber yogurt dip? It's my other favorite middle eastern dip. The flowers are beautiful, I am wishing I spent more time gardening in the spring!

  23. Christy, I also lurv tzatziki. I bought some from Sobeys recently too, but their brand sucked. I'll have to find a better brand. It did NOT give me what I needed.

    Yeah, I like my flower buddies. One day my WHOLE yard will be pretty and not just little pockets here and there.

  24. How come entries about your t*ts score more comments than average?

  25. But now that I've read the comments, they are mainly about hummus. Oops. My bad.

  26. Ok, are y'all all friends outside of this thread??? This id hysterical and you sound like people I would hang out with - LOVING wheat pita chips with hummus too and carrots and hummus. This GERD/reflux issue is new to me and freaking me out, but got tome good tips here - thanks! Where are y'all from??


I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.


Related Posts with Thumbnails