Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

It's Not PARANOIA, it's PRACTICAL

The Man is away on a business trip.  He's been gone for a few days and will be back....

ANY MINUTE NOW, STALKERS, MASHERS AND WEIRDOS, SO DON'T EVEN THINK OF TRYING TO EASE YOUR WAY IN THROUGH A WINDOW WHILE I'M NOT LOOKING. 

WAIT...I mean,


Heh heh, that sounds paranoid. 

Okay, but if I say that I've been a little bit nervous at night, I'll sound like a big, overgrown baby, right?  Well, I'M NO BABY.  That's right.  I'm a GROWN ASS WOMAN, and I fear nothing!  Yes, I am a LIONESS who does what is necessary to protect her CHILDREN! 


I will, however, make the following recommendation:  don't read POST-APOCALYPTIC fiction RIGHT before bed (click HERE to learn about The Year Of The Flood by Margaret Atwood). 

It's almost always going to be creepy. 

I mean, come on--does anyone ever write a post-apocalyptic book wherein everything's really nice, and zen and happy after the world gets ravaged by a PANDEMIC, or NUCLEAR BOMB, or after almost all life has been destroyed by the stupidity of man?  Is there ever a book in this genre in which things get BETTER?  Maybe only the 'bad' people get wiped out by the super bug, so all the evil corporations are gone, and the nice people live in harmony in their new, greener, healthier Earth? 

Pfft...I don't think so. 

And let me tell you something people:  when the APOCALYPSE COMES, you women better get yourselves a BIG STRONG MAN, because those dudes who survived the bad times ARE NO GENTLEMEN!!  Hoo...let's not think about it. 

And let me tell you something else people: I officially HATE zombies.  They're almost as boring as Vampires wearing sexy, skin-tight leather clothes.  I should have done a whole post on how retarded I think zombies are, and how I'm so sick of hearing about how we should all prepare for the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, and WHAT CAN WE DO TO SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE??? 


Re
Tar
Ded.

But I digress...

Anyhoo, as I was saying, one can get some serious heebie jeebies at night time, that aren't necessarily there when the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I was getting ready for bed the other night, and it sounded EXACTLY like someone was coming up the stairs. My whole body prickled. I got the bathroom scissors ready in hand--and slightly open, if you must know. Much pointier that way, and DOUBLE THE PRONG ACTION, my friends. Turns out, it was only FATTY, the more rotund of my two cats.



Fatty's real name is "Tiger."  The Man named her.  I like "Fatty" Better though.

oh look at that FAT LITTLE THING!  Who's a FAT LITTLE THING? A-Whuzza Whuzza... Look at that Fat little kitty!   Is you a fat little kitty?  Oh yes you is!  coochy coochy coochy! 

Anyhow, apparently Fatty is heavy enough to cause the stairs to creek like a human.  Don't judge me.  My other cat is slim and fairly high-strung. 

So, after that, I was a little...shall we say UNNERVED, and I decided to take some precautions.

The next morning, when the kids came scampering out of bed and busted in to my sanctuary, just as they were hopping on the bed, they discovered this


That's RIGHT, BITCHES:  anyone who STEPS UP TO ME is going to get a MOTHERTRUCKING ROLLING PIN TO THE HEAD

So, the kids spotted it on The Man's pillow.  And they started laughing.  In fact, they thought it was rather hilarious;

"Mo-om!  You have a ROLLING PIN on Daddy's side of the bed!"

Me:  "that's right, children.  Meet your NEW DAD."

Then Ella slid her hands under the pillow;

"And a PHONE UNDER THE PILLOW?!?"

They both had a good laugh over this.  What?  If some dirt bag is busy laying his shoulder into your back door, are you going to sit back and CRY, or are you going to WHIP THAT CORDLESS PHONE OUT FROM UNDER THE PILLOW AND DIAL 911?

Yeah.  Looks like SOME of us are SURVIVORS. 

Okay, so maybe the kids were right.  Maybe I was being a little bit ridiculous.  After all, this rolling pin is nothing like The Man.  It's just a solid chunk of wood. 

Something was missing. 

So, I dressed it up a little.  I think it's a pretty good likeness, myself--and almost as useful as my REAL husband, HAW, HAW, HAW!  Whattaya think?


"I'm still only going to clean the litter box twice a week, no matter the stank." 

Ella:  "MOM, this rolling pin is NOT our Dad.  It's a ROLLING PIN, for ROLLING DOUGH."

Jack:  "how do you know it's a rolling pin?"

Ella:  "I know EVERYTHING."

Jack (copying her):  "I know EVERYTHING."

Ella:  "JACK!  SHUT UP!" (racing after him with pure rage)

Jack:  "MONSTER!  AAAAAAAAH!"

Then they cracked their heads together by accident, which was followed by much wailing. 

I don't care what the kids say.  I'll take The Wood Rolling Pin Man to bed tonight too.  He's the strong silent type, and he makes wicked good pie pastry. 


30 comments:

  1. Beyond words. The REAL scary thing was, I had already pictured a face on the rolling pin before I got to the part where you added a face.

    ...I blame John Marshall. We are twisted.

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  2. YES! WE ARE! It makes me so happy, and so happy that it makes you beyong words.

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  3. Mmmmmm...pastry. I think they teach rolling pin classes at the YMCA here in town. You should check them out or offer to teach rolling pin defense classes.

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  4. you are a friggin' riot!!!
    yes, I've been there, too - !!!

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  5. oh, by the way... for zombie haters, you gotta watch this Youtube clip:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVnfyradCPY&feature=BFa&list=PL9CB3230EC13F8A16&index=12

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  6. Argh! Got cut off. Just search 'Zombies in Plain English'

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  7. You're a mess!
    Who's a crazy little girl? Yes you are! Oh yes you are!
    Don't worry about me breaking in at night. I can barely stay up past 9:30PM. Although I could break into you house around 5:30a.m. with a cup of coffee in my hand. Should I bring some for you?
    Please don't hit me with your new "husband".
    m.

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  8. You are so funny! Oh i needed a laugh here at 7am this morning!!
    Love you cat...soooo cute!!
    I love the last line...the best!

    Someone once told me to put my car keys beside the bed and if you heard an intruder to set off the car alarm? Heard this one?

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  9. George--rolling pin classes!! I just LOL-ed. Mock me if you will, but the only thing more effective for self defense would be my nice, black cast iron frying pan.

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  10. You sleep with a rolling pin next to you as well, Christina? Good to know :)

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  11. okay Matt, I'll search it, if you can guarantee it's for zombie HATERS.

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  12. yeah, I thought of you when I posted her pic, Laoch.

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  13. Mark, I love you, but not at 5:30 in the morning. That's just not civilized even if one does get a ton done by getting up that early.

    Still, I wouldn't crack you with my bat :)

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  14. Hey Pam, I think I DID hear that one! However, does anyone give a crap when a car alarm is going off??? Kind of a scary thought.

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  15. Matt, you duped me. That was not for zombie haters, that was for ZOMBIE FANS. HOW DARE YOU, SIR!

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  16. some men would be happy if you thought of them as a 'solid chunk of wood' heehee...sorry couldn't resist.

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  17. No need to apologise Paula--that joke was implicit in the description ;)

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  18. oh, come on! It mocks the entire genre of zombies! The 'sound effect' was hysterical!

    Mark was hysterical as well: "Who's a crazy girl?" Pure comic genius!

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  19. yeah, I lurved the 'crazy girl' comment from Mark too.

    I totally think they weren't mocking the genre, but LOVING the genre. I'll bet they LOVE zombies.

    Stupid zombies. So ugly and tedious.

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  20. Ummm. Karen. I hate to break it to you, but I render that rolling pin USELESS! If a crazed maniac bursts through your door he PROBABLY is pumping with adrenalin a.k.a SUPER EVIL POWERS! A thunk on the head? He'll BARELY feel it because he is RAGING INSANE! So ... keep the scissors in bed instead. Unless, of course, you fear rolling over on its points. Pocket knife? I big pointy stick.. ANYTHING but that useless rolling pin! Besides. It's a loving object... used to LOVINGLY roll out snuggy dough... don't poison it's goodness with your need to bash someone. hehe

    Or... do what I do when it's the middle of the night and there are creepy sounds.. plug your ears and close your eyes really tight.

    wuv,
    aimee

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  21. double the prong action? oooh, i like the sound of that for stabbing the baddies that creep in the night!
    so you don't love having the hubs gone overnight, but don't you kind of love getting to spread out across the whole bed? there's something so delicious about getting to sleep diagonally across the bed after many years of having to keep myself to my own previously allocated region. when we stay in a hotel, we often each take a bed to ourselves. but sshhh, don't tell anyone. it makes us sound weird.

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  22. Sherilin, that does not make you sound WEIRD, that makes you sound AWESOME. Nuts to the people who have to be pretzeled around each other 24/7

    Yeah, I do love having the bed to myself. I also love not having any stupid man shows or man movies on tv. I just need him there for his head crushing capabilities.

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  23. Nerdo, I'd be FILLED WITH ADRENALINE TOO and I'd crack that maniac head like an egg. Have faith in the pin. But, I'll take your advice about the scissors.

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  24. I love this! A rolling pin. I keep a baseball bat in my bed when my husband's gone. NO LIE. His words of advice? Make sure you hit them head on so you don't get busted for cracking them a good one when they flee. Then they could sue you for assault if you clock them while they're running away. I don't know about that but anyone who comes in my house after hours can meet my bat.

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  25. What a hoot! BUT I know how you feel, my husband travels at least once a month and I have been spooked once or twice and I have slept with some odd objects by my side.

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  26. YEAH! Did y'all hear what Lizbeth said: "anyone who comes in my house after hours can meet my bat."

    THAT'S RIGHT WOMAN!


    okay, calm down, karen. Hi Lizbeth! Thanks for coming to the partay :)

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  27. Ha, that's funny Alaina. I don't imagine there are too many men sleeping beside strange objects. Boo :(

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  28. I...I have done this exact same thing. Except maybe the rolling pin was a spatula, because I couldn't find the rolling pin.

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  29. That's RIGHT Shalini, because obviously you are a SURVIVOR.

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