Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, July 15, 2011

No Time to Blog--I have To Do MORE Stuff With The Kids

Summer vacation is killing me.  What gives me comfort is knowing that it's killing all you other parents and especially my HOMEGIRLS--the stay-at-home-moms.  ROCK ON, GIRLFRIENDS--I FEEL YOU.

Here's how I would waste spend my day if I could: 

* roll out of bed at 8:00 so as to be ready for a power walk

* go for a power walk then come back and write

* have oatmeal and a leisurely coffee while checking out my good friend INTERNET

* make some beds.  Maybe. 

* get round to doing a load of laundry or 15

* have all the laundry done in ONE DAY!  MIRACLE!  JUBILATION!

* not talk to ANYONE while accomplishing all this.

(does anyone realise how f*cking sad these aspirations are?  Anyone?)
Instead, it's summer vacation and apparently kids don't know how to freaking entertain themselves any longer, because cartoons are on 24/7, and the internet always has something to offer. 

Also, The Man works from home, so I feel like I HAVE to get the fight twins out of the house every day so he doesn't have to be the one to KNOCK HEADS TOGETHER, as I sit here ignoring them and blogging. 

*Note:  I'm ignoring their endless, petty fighting, not their triumphs and witticisms, whatever those may be.

So, I've been to the library, and the public pool (hellz yes, that was some GOOD chlorine inhalation!  That HAS to be good for you!).  I've done a couple of day trips to the beach (so stressful I almost had a stroke just getting ready).  I've been stuck in the backyard for several afternoons while the kids fought in their little pool:

"Mom, Ella keeps trying to make my head trapped under water."
So yeah, stuff's been happening.  Today, because my sister and I are burnt, we are taking the kids to one of those stupid indoor playland places, that cost too much $$, but are air conditioned, and have a giant jungle gym inside for the little monsters of the city to climb around on. 

These places often have some stupid name like "Fun Town" or "Fun Zone" or "Balls of Fun" or "Little Monkees" or whatever.  I've been to enough of them over the years, and have been nearly weeping with desire to come home after hours of wandering around after a super hepped up little person, so they've kind of lost their appeal. 

Plus, they are CESSPOOLS OF PESTILENCE.  Your child is almost guaranteed to come down with something horrid after a fun afternoon of running around like an idiot, while all the other kids wizz on, drool all over, and coliform the play structure. 

Also, I have a few problems:

Hey, there's PUKE under here!  Cool!
see this fun slide that was on the website?  Yeah, it hasn't been inflated in months
holy crap--I can't find my kid
here's the birthday party room where the kids get to eat their cardboard pizza.  Sorry, there's only food for the kids.  None for parents.
I've been here for FOUR HOURS!  Mommy won't stop crying, hee hee!
only 5 kids at a time on the bouncy castle.  The rest of you kids will have to have the tantrum of the century while you wait, and then lose your minds with pure rage after your 2 minute jump session
First of all, the tubing/climber configuration can be EXTREMELY convoluted in some of these locations.  I've seen plenty of 2 or 3 year olds get about half way up the habitrail and completely lose their sense of direction.  And then they just stand their crying behind the mesh wall.  Climbing those things is no picnic when you're a grownup. 

It is important to note that older siblings are very rarely helpful, and they do NOT give a crap when their younger siblings are losing their mind somewhere up their on the third floor by the rope ladder.  So, no matter how much you plead with them to rescue that sibling, it's going to be YOU who has to squeeze your way up to find that kid. 

Here's another problem:  at least half of the parents never pay attention to their kids.  So, their little jerks are running around shoving other kids, and steamrolling over top of other kids to get to the top, stepping on heads to get to the twirly slide, whatever.  Because the more kids that are in these places, the more they feed off the frenetic energy that's in the air, and the more INSANE THEY BECOME.  You've seen them:  eyes all wild, completely CRAZED with LUST FOR FUN. 

This brings me to my super paranoid fear:  I am always afraid that the kids are going to turn all LORD OF THE FLIES way up their at the top of the climber where I can neither see nor get to my kids in time, and they'll just trample some weaker kid up there. 

Okay, that's horrible, but that's the kind of crap I worry about. 

And don't get me started on pedophiles.  I worry that they're lurking EVERYWHERE.  Thanks Chris Hansen--I'm totally paranoid now.  And just know THIS, lurking pervo who tries to snatch a kid on my watch:  I have no problem with tearing your nuts off by hand. 

So, these little worries aside, the biggest problem is that these places are FREAKING BORING, and the kids NEVER EVER EVER WANT TO LEAVE.

Ah well, it's still better than the public pool.



  1. I wonder how much urine and drool is in the ball pits of those places. At least the pool has chlorine.

  2. Being paranoid is a good thing when it comes to raising kids. That's what I keep saying to myself so I feel normal. I'm glad I'm not alone.
    Our kids are in day camp for five hours a day while Fred works in the house. If they were at home, yes, they would be watching t.v. as Fred locks them in the basement/family room to get some peace.

  3. i am so sick of summer already,thank God for day camp! Gabe asked 'how long have i been out of school?' oh, about a week i said,'i want to go back so i can see my friends'yeah me too.

  4. I think I would shoot myself in the foot if my husband worked from home.

    Those inflatable blowup houses of fun--they scare the crap out of me and make my hair turn white just thinking of them. I always imagine one of my kids getting popped off and smacking their head rendering them paralyzed for life.

    Have you ever read their liability waver you sign?? Don't.

  5. Well you could be having my summer...WORKING horrid all over the maps shifts and hours! The weather has been so crappy here. Lucky if it reaches 80!
    I miss the days of taking off to the beach with Sam he is alot of fun.

    Enjoy the crappy indoor play things. Yes i remember those parents too I had the calm gentle child that was always a magnet for their beasts!

  6. ooo George makes an excellent point...Maybe I should take a spray bottle of a 50-50 bleach/water mixture???

  7. ooo day camp--how do they like that Mark? I think it would be endless complaining from my kids. Still...think of the gorgeous silence...oh wait, you're a much nicer parent than I :)

  8. oh yes Paula--every week chock full of fun excursions! Fun for kids, that is. I don't see any booze filled trips to an outdoor patio scheduled.

  9. none of these places even asked us to sign a waiver, Lizbeth!!! What does THAT mean?!? Actually, my bigger paranoia with those used to be that a little kid would get wedged between the inflated pillow and the mesh wall. Shudder.

  10. true Pam--I wouldn't trade a day at playland hell for your erratic work schedule. I feel for you.

  11. My kids also go to daycamp all day while I work. It just means that they are tired at night and just want to lay around on weekends. :D And they do 1 field trip and 1 swimming trip so that saves me from having to go those places. Ha!

    My boys loved the bouncy places. I'd get a book and sit by the exit and wish I had earplugs. Thankfully the younger is more adventurous than the elder so they are well matched even with a 4.5 year age difference.

  12. am i the only one on earth that did not mind having the kids home? i loved not having to worry about school, and extra activities. that stressed me out more than having 4 kids underfoot.

    we just, had a good babysitter, a couple of houses over.

  13. Day Camp Rocks! So anti-screen-time it is! My son just taught me one of the songs he learned there. My daughter loves to come along for the trip just to drop my son off. She would stay if I left her there. For some reason being a 2-year old, not potty trained yet is a complication for them...wimps!

    My daughter kicks butt at those public play places, putting bossy five year olds in their place. Besides, one death-stare from me stops any unjust kid in their tracks. Finally, my son is now 8 and usually one of the oldest kids in those climber places and can hold his own. I pay the extra $ for the cushy leather chair and specialty coffees. That's the REAL attraction!

  14. i kind of love summer because as a homeschooling mama, it's way easier than having to force the schooling down the resister's throat. and i'm used to having her around all the time, so that part isn't a problem.
    i know, the pool is great because of all the wet & tanning. but the indoor places are good some days too cuz then it's air conditioned & i can read a book & forget where i am for a few hours. i guess i'm one of those negligent parents, but i've never been aware of her being aggressive, so i pretend that she could never start.

  15. You/we need an iPhone so we can take our kids anywhere, ignore them while we catch up on blogs and interact via social media! My kids have been out of school for about two weeks now, and I haven't been in the house by myself since...ok, you don't need me to complain, I know you feel my pain. I'm at home with the hooligans all day every day too...except I'm getting a little better at letting them spend 10-12 hours on their video games. I get more blogging done that way.:)

  16. Oh, I"m laughing hard at this one! I always wonder about all those germs in the "bounce houses." It's incredible there isn't a cleaning lady running around with disinfectant, but they are always there to take your cash for snacks, aren't they?!?!

  17. Lisa, day camp sounds like a stroke of genius. Why, it's the weekend now, and you're probably relaxing! GOOD FOR YOU!

  18. Melissa, it's true I HATE rushing around in the morning, and the super mega fights the kids would get into when it came time to put their shoes/coats etc on. However, I've been taking them out a lot and me so tired.

  19. Matt...wait a second.....They have specialty coffees in tese places that you give YOUR stamp of approval???? Because now I know how much of a coffee (snob) afficionado you are--just like me! Sniff!

    Ah yes, no entry till potty trained. I remember that. The nursery school Ella just graduated from was run by the loveliest ladies, and your kid come go to that school even in diapers. Aw, such nice ladies.

  20. Sherilin, there's no tanning at the pool I go to--it's at the Y and it's one big room reeking of chlorine :) Hey, if your child is good and not shoving other kids or stealing their toys, by all means enjoy that book. It's the little buggers who trample over other kids that always caught my eye.

    Anyhoo, looks like you and Brooke have been having a nice summer.

  21. Video games! Sandra--that's the answer! I'll have to introduce the little monsters to the world of video games!

    Sorry. I'm saying LITTLE MONSTERS at the moment because that's what they're being.

  22. they sure are, Christina. Plus, they usually have bottles of hand disinfectant around, so I guess they figure their work is done.

  23. I hate those places. Ugh. I'm so glad the girl is a teenager now [OMFG, did I just say that?] if only because we don't have to go to those anymore. Now she can get pinkeye from some other gross place, like laser tag.

    Also, I agree - those things are Lord of the Flies petri dishes.

  24. pink eye! I hate pink eye. Pink eye means the children get a day off from school even though they feel completely fine while their meds kick in.

    Ms Suniverse, it sounds like your girl is nice and reasonable though, despite being a teenager. So there IS hope...


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