Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, July 1, 2011

Rage and Freaking Out Are Exhausting

You know everyone, when I die, I told my family that they should get the following put on my tomb stone (what--nobody calls it a 'tomb stone' anymore?  I think it sounds cool in a Wild Wild West kind of way):

I told them that they should get that carved on there, because they're all killing me. 

Today is the first day of summer vacation for the kids around these here parts.  I told my sister we should get together with our little people and have an "end of school pizza party."  All the kids lurv pizza, and even Jack, who hates anything not coated with cinnamon, chocolate and sugar was desperately looking for a break from cinnamon bread for dinner  (yes, he ate two slices sans toppings!  Hooray!). 

It would be fun!  The little maniacs could celebrate the end of the school year by running around the back yard (as if.  Do kids do this anymore?), jumping on the trampoline, and indulging in some very fun baked goods provided by my sister and moi.  I was feeling INSPIRED!  I was going to take that stupid chocolate cake mix that had been sitting rejected since Jack's birthday several months ago and turn it into


It was a beautiful day;  no humidity, just clear, warm and sunny.  There was only one teeny hurdle for the day:  Ella had to go for the last vaccination required before she starts kindergarten in the fall.  Two weeks ago when she was all set for her DPTP needle, she woke up with MYSTERY FEVER.  You know:  also known as the What The F*ck Virus, which is that weird illness that comes with a fever and some mild malaise, but no other symptoms, and never really turns into much of anything.  At any rate, I had to reschedule the needle. 

Finally, the day had arrived.  I'd already brow-beaten The Man into taking her, because I had enough of cringing while the little baby people screamed in shock and pain through the million other needles they had to get in their young lives.  So, I wrung my hands a bit this morning, but soon they returned with Ella in good spirits, a green sucker in her mouth, and a Barbie bandaid on her arm. 

Me:  "how did that go?"

The Man:  "good."

Me:  "did she cry?"

The Man:  "No, she was brave.  She got weighed, and had a checkup.  The doctor said she should have 4 dairy products per day, and have no more than 2 hours of TV/computer viewing per day."

Me:  "GOOD LUCK!!!"

***  yeah, I'm not a dirt bag.  I don't agree with a little kid watching a ton of tv either.  However, has anyone noticed that cartoons are on ALL FREAKING DAY LONG?  Who even knew that they made so many episodes of Scooby Doo?!?

The Man (all casual like):  "Then the dr. looked in her ears and said there is something BLUE in one of them."
Me:  "what?"

The Man:  "She has something blue in one of her ears.  She showed me through her little viewer thingy."
Me:  "WHAT?!?" 

The Man:  "She tried to pick it out, but said it was actually harder than it looked, so she's going to make an appointment for her with the specialist since blue isn't a colour that occurs naturally in the body."
then he shrugs, still all super casual:  "I said she didn't seem to be in any pain or anything, and it didn't seem to be bothering her at all, so the doctor just said to wait to see the specialist." 

Then I turned into this:

I flipped. 

I went on a tirade about how DOCTORS ARE IDIOTS, and why the hell would she leave something in a KIDS EAR, and WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS, WHEN DOCTORS DID EVERYTHING THEMSELVES, BECAUSE THEY ARE DOCTORS FOR CRAP'S SAKE, and how they never handle ANYTHING THEMSELVES anymore and quickly pass it on to the SPECIALIST. 

Then The Man got annoyed and said I should call THEM and ask THEM then, because he wasn't interested in answering for their ineptness I guess. 

Then I called my sister, and FREAKED on the phone to her.  What the HELL?!  I said, am I an IDIOT??  Isn't it an EMERGENCY if a BLUE THING IS IN A KID'S FREAKING EAR?  And blah, blah, I am so tired of STUPID THINGS HAPPENING all the time, and I AM SO SICK OF DOCTORS, AND I'M GOING TO CALL THEM NOW BECAUSE THEIR STUPID HOUR AND A HALF LUNCH BREAK IS DONE, and I'm going to ask them WHAT THE HELL THEY CAN DO TODAY.   

Okay, so there was a lot of flipping out.  Then I calmed down and decided that since the kid doesn't seem to be bothered AT ALL, Imma calm the eff down. 

However, then I began pondering.  I began pondering why kids can be such LITTLE IDIOTS.  I mean, what the fack?!?  I've never been tempted to stick anything where it doesn't belong (shut it, gutterbrains)!! 

What if I called the doctor's office:
Me:  "oh geez, this is embarrassing...I had this overwhelming compulsion to stick this piece of a crayon in my ear.  I'm so sorry.  I just couldn't help myself. It looked like just the perfect size to slide on in there..."
or what--I just go into a weird trance sometime and shove a few Barbie shoes up my nose?!? 

But like I said:  I calmed down.  I made my Oreo cookie cupcake things.  Very yummy by the way--Oreo plunked in the paper muffin cup thingy, chocolate cake batter poured over-top, baked to spongey, phony cake perfection and topped with really good, very fudgy chocolate icing when cooled.  And guess what--the cookie stayed crunchy on the bottom!  BOO YAH, I AM AWESOME, AND THE KIDS LURVED IT. 

Finally tonight, I got some clarification from The Man:  it's not an OBJECT that's in the kid's ear--there's a blue tinge to her ear wax.  Like maybe she had a big old blue marker finger, and scratched in her ear one time, and coloured the wax.  OKAY, I said, so it's not like there's a POLLY POCKET SHOE, or a piece of LEGO in there?  He assured me that no, there was no 'thing' in there. 

Jesus.  Could he not have explained this a little better before I blew a fuse or fifty?!? 

In the meantime, this is an excellent start to the summer vacay, methinks.  The fun doesn't start till one of the kids gets blue mystery shit in his/her ear. 


  1. it will be fine - maybe those daggone smurfs left a thumb print when they were singing to her late at night!

  2. did you see the freudian slip? 'end of SUMMER party'thats what parents have, in august, with lots of wine. looking foreward to it already!

  3. I always read your blog before I go work out. A) I break a sweat by the 7th line B) it gives me adrenaline rush c) I laugh (at you and with you)

    your reaction was typical parent

  4. if only, Christina, if only. We shall see I guess.

  5. did I say "end of summer party" Paula??? Oh good lord--that was some hefty wishful thinking on my part apparently!!! Ha!

  6. yeah, I know it, Lance. I am totally the typical parent now: all disapproving of teenagers, and FLYING OFF THE HANDLE.

    Hey...he reads this while he works out...don't encourage 'incorrigible karen'...she leaps onto details like that

  7. My daughter had blue snot all day long after she coated herself in washable marker, including jamming it up her nose.


  8. Somewhere around the kindergarten year Adam jammed a ball of paper towel down his ear and didn't tell anyone. I still ask him why.

    I fished it out with a few instruments that don't belong in the ear. We have big co-pays/deductables down here.

  9. see Matt? Why do these STUPID THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN?!?

  10. Oh Lisa. Do you have lots of white hairs now too???

  11. methinks crayola had a hand in this

  12. Elliot, that is an excellent hypothesis. We shall see, I guess, or we will never know--whatever.

    Thanks for joining our fun group!

    my answer to your hurting head!!!
    "Karen called her husband a dick & QR"

  14. Look everyone--Christina featured ME of all people in her post! How nice! Thanks Christina :) I just read it, but the kids are turning the trampoline into THUNDERDOME again, so I had no chance to reply yet :(

  15. Wow. Your life.
    P.S. I love the way you just let it all out in your writing.

  16. why thank you, dbs. I have to. It's what keeps me from imploding.

  17. Wow, Karen. You are getting too famous...and your husband too infamous! Time to go into hiding, get that unlisted number, and cars with deeply tinted windows and private security. And it wouldn't even look weird in our home town.

  18. Oh Matt, you're too funny. People just haven't caught on to my bs yet.

    That's funny about the tinted windows though. I can picture it.


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