Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sunburns are BULLSH*T

60 SPF my ass

This post could also have been titled:


"The Beach + Family = HELLA SUCK"

"Burnt Out With A Sunburn"


I had a "family day" at the beach today.  My dad had rented his friend's vacation trailer and said we should ALL COME UP FOR FAMILY DAY AND FUN AND STEAKS. 

Oh, and by the way:  if when you read the word "trailer," you think of some dump on a baked out lot with an algae green swimming pool, think again.  This is a full-out vacation RESORT--almost like a small city unto itself, only in this vacationland, all the cool people drive battery-charged golf carts, and hot teens are, unfortunately, EVERYWHERE.  You can swim at the beach, where it's FAR COOLER, even if you run the risk of setting up your blanket right next to those hot chicks with bikinis and pierced f*cking belly buttons, or you can swim at the QUARRY, where all the other burnt-out families are, and happily SOMEBODY will be yelling at their little a$$hole to stop throwing sand, and most of the women will be wearing bathing suits that more closely resemble frumpy tank shirts and skirts. 

Girls:  let's chat for a moment.  How fun is it getting ready for these little family outings?  Huh?  Huh?  COME ON, you know what I'm talkin' bout.  You had to make sure there were snacks and chips and plastic cups and a towel for everyone, and a change of clothes for the kids, plus their jackets in case there's a cool breeze afterward, and you have to bring a flipping can of apple juice, PLUS the can opener, and you have extra plastic bags for the wet things, and the sunscreen, and hats for the kids and OH SHIT, YOU CAN'T FIND THE BEACH TOYS...oh yeah, you almost forgot the beach blanket, and bring the beach umbrella, because sitting for hours and hours in the sun SUCKS...and you have to pack something to eat and...


I don't want to talk about it anymore. 

When we arrived in vacationland, we had only JUST brought our bags and crap into the trailer when this began:

child:  "I wanna go swimming!

Can we go swimming? 


And all that in under five minutes. 

Thus, after bobbing around for nearly 3 hours, giving both kids baths as soon as we got back to the trailer, then being forced to come up with some kind of masterful sauce for a cold vegetable/pasta salad with only mayonnaise, mustard, relish and garlic powder at my disposal, then washing all the dishes, I think I've had enough family fun.

I probably still have sand in my lady bits. 
I have a SUNBURN.
Let's be clear on this:  I don't DO sunburns.  No, I don't even pursue tans any longer.  Sunburns are STUPID. 
It's not even a GOOD tan, because my lower half was in water nearly the whole day.  Thus, my lower half is still FISH BELLY WHITE. 

Must have cocktail now to erase memory.


  1. Aloe vera, an oatmeal bath, and lots and lots of liquor. Repeat for the next 3-4 days and you'll be fine.

    Or passed out, and in need of a new liver. Either/or.

  2. Ahhh sherkston. Good times. We were there for fathers day. First 5 minutes I think, wow I could get a seasonal site here. Then... This is hell. The families and teens (on golf carts) are rude and have a sense of entitlement. Kids love the quarry-but someone drowned when we were there -very sad. Then, it was business as usual for the resort like nothing happened-kinda weird. Not sure I'd we will go back next year (it has been a tradition). Ahhhh the things we do for our kids :-)

  3. Dudette Sunburn Queen Karen:
    PLEASE run out and buy a bottle of Australian Gold Suntain oil, spray, SPF ANY of them (lower is better, believe it or not, maybe 8 15 for your white princessy skin) so you can enjoy the radiant beams of beauty without getting scorched. I stand by it-only stuff I trust and I haven't burned since 1992 (when I started using it)!

  4. oh those days are a distant memory. one day when the kids are older and you own a boat with all the tubes and skiis, and you say lets go to the lake, they will look at you, and tell you, they dont want to go cuz they dont even like tubing and never mom has a melt down cuz we invited friends to go and her own kids dont even want to go..........................true story.........boneheaded kids,

    this is melissa, i am on daughters computer

  5. we had church at charles daley park on sunday,and guess what it was actually [gasp]relaxing!!!gabe got a wee bit too much sun on the cheeks,but he was outside for 8 hours, and not once was he bored. amazing that water and sand can amuse kids for so long, if only i had some of that relaxation back right now.sigh.

  6., I used to have an aloe vera plant, until it turned monstrous and I got rid of it, and now whenever I get that rare sunburn, I think back WITH LONGING to that stupid plant.

    Ooo...passed out with a burnt out that's a picture.

  7. Michelle, that's very sad that someone drowned while you were there. I'm sure it was kept very hush hush, so as not to spoil the happy family time for the paying customers.

    It's good there...but perhaps not so much fun on Canada Day weekend: WAY too many hawt kids running around unsupervised.

  8. Christina, you're wonderful. I was JUST going to google today what the best sunscreen was, and you've given me my answer without any effort on my part. Good, because that stuff I have clearly sucks--and the coconut smell doesn't even last. Pfft--what's the point of that???

  9. Well in that case, Melissa, I'll leave the kids in the trailer with their gameboys and head off for FUN ON MY OWN.

    How've you been, woman?

  10. Paula, that sounds nice! Good for you for having a relaxing day. My day was NOT very relaxing. My sister was headed back today, and asked if we were coming. I asked HER if she was HIGH.

  11. p.s. Paula: 8 hours in the sun? What sunscreen were YOU using?

  12. bananna boat spf 60. the mist kind,i can get it on the kids without much screaming.

  13. thanks Paula--good to know. I wish they all smelled like coconut--the beach scent of our youth :)

  14. I can echo Paula's surprising joy at a perfect day at the beach! So, so thankful. However, the part she did not mention echoed your comments about the stress of getting ready and out the door. Our conflicting priorities, demanding kids, and desire to get there 'on time' was nearly enough to bring the divorce lawyers along for the trip (an exaggeration, but it paints a picture...)

    But Paula's right, the time there blew all that stress away. There were trees for shade all day long, friends to joke with and help occupy the kids, and the destination was only 10 minutes away so Paula could come back again after our little girl was done her nap back home. I foolishly forgot sun screen on the top of my feet, but the shade prevented me from being overly punished for my ignorance. Next time - come to Charles Daley!

  15. Matt, I'm so glad someone acknowledged the HELL that is getting ready for these events. If there's ever a time Jon and I want to lop each other's heads off, it's when we're getting ready.

    I'll have to google this park!

  16. From one pale girl to another--I feel you on this one!

  17. yeah! Thanks, A&A. The sun is a CHALLENGE. Just wait till August when I'm in it ALL DAY EVERY DAY for a week. I'd better get creative.

  18. It is just West of St. Catharines, right off the QE. Used to be a provincial park, but the Town wisely purchased the property. It's draws are proximity, lakefront, and several sections of park that seem 'tucked away' from the others, like three or four environments in one.

  19. yeah, but what about the swim factor, Matt? I thought lake Ontario was blech by now. Why it would be worse than the other Lakes...I don't know...

  20. Well Christina, I made The Man look for it at our nearby drug store, but it wasn't there. So, it's probably at the Wal of Evil. I'll check there.

  21. i think that being the mom when prepping for going ANYWHERE blows. you get every flipping thing gathered & arranged by the door & dare to ask for helping in jockeying it to the car & everybody's asking why you packed so much crap. but then get to wherever you're going & someone's whining because you remembered their clothes, but forgot to bring them underwear. or goggles. or fresh batteries. rar!

  22. fresh batteries! What for? Hur hurh hur...

    Yeah, getting ready BLOWS. I will say this, however: I have to pack EVERY FREAKING LITTLE THING, but Jon hauls it and stuffs it in the car, and then hauls it all back out again. I have to put it all away too.

  23. batteries because the girl child wants to film everything she does, so she's always burning up the batteries in her camera & if she's in the mood for some filming & i haven't provided her with plenty of techno-juice, a hissy fit is likely. and it's so much easier to head those off than deal with them in public.

  24. Don't I know it sister! I'm exhausted from heading off melt-downs. Digital cams SUCK the batteries down! I had to get rechargeable ones for mine, because it was shocking how quickly they got depleted.


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