|60 SPF my ass|
This post could also have been titled:
"SHORTS-A-POPPIN'! It's SUMMER TIME"
"The Beach + Family = HELLA SUCK"
"Burnt Out With A Sunburn"
I had a "family day" at the beach today. My dad had rented his friend's vacation trailer and said we should ALL COME UP FOR FAMILY DAY AND FUN AND STEAKS.
Oh, and by the way: if when you read the word "trailer," you think of some dump on a baked out lot with an algae green swimming pool, think again. This is a full-out vacation RESORT--almost like a small city unto itself, only in this vacationland, all the cool people drive battery-charged golf carts, and hot teens are, unfortunately, EVERYWHERE. You can swim at the beach, where it's FAR COOLER, even if you run the risk of setting up your blanket right next to those hot chicks with bikinis and pierced f*cking belly buttons, or you can swim at the QUARRY, where all the other burnt-out families are, and happily SOMEBODY will be yelling at their little a$$hole to stop throwing sand, and most of the women will be wearing bathing suits that more closely resemble frumpy tank shirts and skirts.
Girls: let's chat for a moment. How fun is it getting ready for these little family outings? Huh? Huh? COME ON, you know what I'm talkin' bout. You had to make sure there were snacks and chips and plastic cups and a towel for everyone, and a change of clothes for the kids, plus their jackets in case there's a cool breeze afterward, and you have to bring a flipping can of apple juice, PLUS the can opener, and you have extra plastic bags for the wet things, and the sunscreen, and hats for the kids and OH SHIT, YOU CAN'T FIND THE BEACH TOYS...oh yeah, you almost forgot the beach blanket, and bring the beach umbrella, because sitting for hours and hours in the sun SUCKS...and you have to pack something to eat and...
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
When we arrived in vacationland, we had only JUST brought our bags and crap into the trailer when this began:
child: "I wanna go swimming!
Can we go swimming?
I WANT TO GO SWIMMING NOW!
Why CAN'T WE GO SWIMMING???"
OH! WE'RE NEVER GOING SWIMMING!
I WANNA GO SWIMMING NOW?
WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER!
WAAA! WAAA! WAAA!
And all that in under five minutes.
Thus, after bobbing around for nearly 3 hours, giving both kids baths as soon as we got back to the trailer, then being forced to come up with some kind of masterful sauce for a cold vegetable/pasta salad with only mayonnaise, mustard, relish and garlic powder at my disposal, then washing all the dishes, I think I've had enough family fun.
I probably still have sand in my lady bits.
I have a SUNBURN.
Let's be clear on this: I don't DO sunburns. No, I don't even pursue tans any longer. Sunburns are STUPID.
It's not even a GOOD tan, because my lower half was in water nearly the whole day. Thus, my lower half is still FISH BELLY WHITE.
Must have cocktail now to erase memory.