Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Convos With My Sister
Recently a family member who is slim enough was told he should lose 20 pounds. Here is the convo that ensued:
Me: 20 pounds. That's stupid.
Aimee: Yeah, because nothing's worse than the too-skinny old man!
Me: That's right. From this point on, we no longer worry about being slim because we are holding on to our RESERVES.
Aimee: our reserves?
Me: yeah, because what we tell the CANCER is; "HERE--YOU EAT THIS FAT!"
then, for a few minutes we prove our RESERVES theory right (in our minds) by discussing people who were very thin at the onset of cancer, who are now, sadly, in the "check-out room" (check-out room = palliative care room).
Me: but, we don't need to worry, because you've FLIPPED THE SWITCH, right?
Me: okay, what does THE SWITCH ROOM look like?
Aim: uh...it's a big room with a--
Me: WRONG. You have FAILED to FLIP THE SWITCH. The room is actually a very quiet, never used hallway. It maybe has a closet at the end where useless things, like old TV's, are stored. NOBODY ever goes down it. It has your basic office carpeting on the floor, and fluorescent lights on the ceiling. All you hear is the 'hrrrrm' of the fluorescent lights.
The SWITCH is large. You need two hands to switch it to OFF. Then, you put a plexi-glass blox over top and drill it into place. Then, you put a METAL box over that and drill into place.
(note: I am a massive cancer-phobe, so the hallway with THE SWITCH in it is the mental image I have concocted in my brain because I have decided that F*CK THAT--I'm NEVER getting cancer)Aim: can you watch TV in that hallway?
Aim: hang out? Maybe read a book? Some comfortable chairs?
Me: NO! Your only job is to check on the SWITCH; make sure your boxes are still securely in place.
Aim: how often do I have to check on it? Every day?
Me: if you need to at first, until you are confident that it's NOT moving, and then, just occasionally.
Aim: but can't I hang out in there? I wanna hang out in there--it sounds relaxing.
Me: I think you're making a mockery of THE SWITCH.
Aim: ha ha ha....oooookaaaay.