Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Convos With My Sister



Recently a family member who is slim enough was told he should lose 20 pounds.  Here is the convo that ensued:








Me:  20 pounds.  That's stupid.
Aimee:  Yeah, because nothing's worse than the too-skinny old man!

Me:  That's right.  From this point on, we no longer worry about being slim because we are holding on to our RESERVES.
Aimee:  our reserves?

Me:  yeah, because what we tell the CANCER is; "HERE--YOU EAT THIS FAT!"

then, for a few minutes we prove our RESERVES theory right (in our minds) by discussing people who were very thin at the onset of cancer, who are now, sadly, in the "check-out room" (check-out room = palliative care room).

Me: but, we don't need to worry, because you've FLIPPED THE SWITCH, right?
Aim:  er....yeah...right.

Me:  okay, what does THE SWITCH ROOM look like?

Aim:  uh...it's a big room with a--

Me:  WRONG.  You have FAILED to FLIP THE SWITCH.  The room is actually a very quiet, never used hallway.  It maybe has a closet at the end where useless things, like old TV's, are stored.  NOBODY ever goes down it.  It has your basic office carpeting on the floor, and fluorescent lights on the ceiling.  All you hear is the 'hrrrrm' of the fluorescent lights.

The SWITCH is large.  You need two hands to switch it to OFF.  Then, you put a plexi-glass blox over top and drill it into place.  Then, you put a METAL box over that and drill into place.

(note: I am a massive cancer-phobe, so the hallway with THE SWITCH in it is the mental image I have concocted in my brain because I have decided that F*CK THAT--I'm NEVER getting cancer)Aim:  can you watch TV in that hallway?


Me:  no!
Aim:  hang out?  Maybe read a book?  Some comfortable chairs?

Me:  NO!  Your only job is to check on the SWITCH; make sure your boxes are still securely in place.
Aim:  how often do I have to check on it?  Every day?

Me:  if you need to at first, until you are confident that it's NOT moving, and then, just occasionally.
Aim:  but can't I hang out in there?  I wanna hang out in there--it sounds relaxing.

Me:  I think you're making a mockery of THE SWITCH.
Aim:  ha ha ha....oooookaaaay.

25 comments:

  1. pretty damn sure you're both crazy. you & your switch...

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  2. a person who thinks you and your sister are crazy!August 30, 2011 at 8:01 PM

    hahaha can i watch tv in there...hahaha...worried she might miss an episode of Housewives...

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  3. oh, you'll see how crazy I am, Sherilin, when I NEVER GET CANCER, thanks to my positive imagery sessions. Thank you, brain. You're welcome, karen.

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  4. oh yes, she loves her some Tv, that's for sure.

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  5. "The reserves" = hilarious.

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  6. i just noticed that you've had a big burst of new followers. look at how cool you are with your "reserves"!

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  7. My current life philosophy is no fat, all muscle. Admittedly I am a neanderthal though.

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  8. I'm totally with you Karen... how do I join?

    Sarah xxx

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  9. Its all about the positive thinking...or so i have heard. Funny as I was reading this...I could actually HEAR it in my head!

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  10. That sure is one way to put a positive spin on a little extra fluff!

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  11. Ummm... I think this caffeinated Mommy needs more caffeine and read this post all over again! lol Blowing kisses your way Karen Darling... xoxo

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  12. that's right dbs, it's what will keep us ALIVE!

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  13. I think the tampon had a little something to do with it Sherilin--that and constantly whoring myself out on bloggymoms. Har!

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  14. damn it Laoch, this new imagery is interfering with my anti-cancer imagery. Men are appealing in all kinds of different packages.

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  15. just sit back, Sarah, and start picturing the cancer switch set to OFF...oh, and avoid 80% of housework like the plague.

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  16. you could hear the hum of the fluorescent lights in THE SWITCH HALLWAY, Steph? Good for you! I'll have to whip my sister into shape on this.

    I had a revelation when I realised my paternal grandmother died of old age and never had cancer in her life: cancer is not an unavoidalbe, foregone conclusion.

    I think.

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  17. damn straight Paula! I know a woman who is on the heavy side, and she's been battling breast cancer for ages, and has gone through 3 rounds of chemo, and she is TRUCKING ALONG. That's because she has the RESERVES.

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  18. Thank you Ms Caffeine. More coffee is always good. POSITIVE IMAGERY--EVEN IF EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE A NUTBAR.

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  19. tampons bring them in? and i thought you didn't care about newbies, you just loved your faithfuls. i suppose there's always room for growth. and tampons.

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  20. Well, I was in the room recently. I flipped the switch. I did, indeed, use two hands! But I was looking around and didn't like the look of the room. So I painted it a sunshine yellow and a vase of roses on a little table. Then I remembered. Whoops! Karen's not going to like this! So after hanging out for awhile and having a little nap in the hallway (sorry, but there's no kids there to bug me! I couldn't resist!) I painted is grey and took my flowers with me. Before I left I made sure to put a big metal box over the switch. So far so good. ;)

    xoxox

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  21. Oh Sherilinnie, I just write to write, newbies or not. And yes, I lurv y'all who join me in the comment room all the time.

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  22. YOU'RE STILL NOT TAKING THE SWITCH ROOM SERIOUSLY, nerdo.

    Sigh.

    The room is "beige." Not grey. And you can't pretty it up.

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  23. Oh hell...design your switch room any way you like.

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  24. Your 'switch room' analogy did not resonate. In fact, I've read the convo twice over and am not entirely sure I yet understand it.

    If I'm understanding it correctly, and it is as unaccessable and deeply buried as I think you are trying for it to be, you skipped the part about the long metal stairwell, and the retina scan sliding titanium door to allow access. In fact, describing the room at all to others strikes me as a breach in security protocols.

    Okay, maybe I DO understand the switch room....from a guy's perspective.

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  25. Matt, you've just invented the perfect SWITCH ROOM for yourself. See, it's my mental imaging room, where I have "gone" to SHUT the cancer DOWN by flipping a giant switch, and making sure it always stays in the OFF position. But, if you don't have a massive phobia of cancer, then this post wasted precious moments of your life clock :)

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