Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


That's Gary Larson's "The FAR SIDE," YO
incidentally...this cartoon hung in my kitchen for years.  Must un-earth it from a box in the basement...


I am officially DONE with doing KID-CENTRIC activities.  I don't want to do anything else for kids this summer!  You parents whose kids are already back in school?  Do me a favour:  DON'T DRINK ALL THE WHISKY YET!  WAIT FOR ME!  WAAAAAAAAAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!

Here is the deal-e-o:  today I was at McDonk's playland with Ella.  Friday I was at the mother-trucking beach with the kids.  Sunday I was at a waterpark with the kids.  I've been to the indoor playland.  I've been to the library, bored to tears as the kids played with the germ-coated library toys, or looked at the fountain in the adult section for so long I wanted to weep.  I've been to the splash pad.  I've been to the public pool.  I went for the ice-cream/petting zoo combo, and endured MUCHOS whining from the boy while I spent like TWO MINUTES enjoying the duck pond section (I love you ducks!  You're so cute and brainless and charming).  I went on the FAMILY VACATION.  We went to a carnival.  I rode on poop-my-pants scary waterslides.  I floated around in the human soup known as the wave pool for ages. 

But at Mcdick's playland pushed me over the edge.  Because people, it has been BUILDING.  All the while I have been saying this kind of bullsh*tty stuff to myself:

that was a fun day!
that was a nice outing!

well that was okay!

I have been DELUDED!  I have been trying to convince myself that all of these things have been FINE, JUST FINE, and all the while I have been stifling--NAY, TRAMPING DOWN my true identity:


Yes, I am a GROWNUP.  I am a GROWN-ASS-WOMAN.  I don't even like toys that much any longer.  I don't want to pretend your toy dog has to go to the vet's, and I don't want to watch your toy baby while you go to "work," and I don't want to go on the swing.  My ass is too wide now, and that thing CUTS IN.  I am BORING NOW!  I have LOST MY SENSE OF CHILDISH WHIMSY. 

When I go to the beach, I really want to lie there on the sand for a while and READ A FREAKING BOOK.  Then I want to SWIM, and not stand there as a lifeguard.  When I'm done swimming, I want to dry off and not wear my bathing suit any longer, eat a nice meal that is not called HOT DOG, and I want it with a COCKTAIL, and finally, I want to conclude my day by poking leisurely through the little shops that are near the beach. 

When I am at the public pool, I want to DO LAPS, and GO IN THE DEEP END.  I don't want to redirect kids on floaty things away from my head.  I don't want to pull their long hairs off my fingers, and I don't even want to THINK about how much BOOGS AND PEE PEE  is in that pool.  IS in the pool?  ARE in the pool?  You know what I'm saying. 

I don't want to go to indoor playlands.  Period. 

I never want to eat IN at McDink's. 

When I go to the waterpark, I want to enjoy some of the less scary things, and the outdoor swimming pool, and then I want to spend some quality time at the BAR. 

When I go to the library, I want to have the chance to find a BOOK FOR ME. 

Oh, but that's okay.  I can give THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE to my children, and when they're old enough for me to not have to worry about their every move, that'll be great.  EXCEPT I'LL BE 70.  Yeah, I'll be touring the world at 70, and that will kind of suck, because my back will be shot, and I'll look weird because I've had that botched second face lift.  Oh, and people might wrinkle their noses at me, because my bladder will have completely let go of the toe hold it still had on my body, and I'll have to wear a great big incontinence diaper. 

So, hip hip hooray!  I'M LOSING IT.  I have two more weeks till the kids go to school. 

Last night was particularly festive:  after 3 hours of Jack bugging Ella non-stop at my niece's birthday party, and the two of them having epic smack fests, and the kid losing it because he's a little control freak and was flipping out that he couldn't hear youtube because--HEAVEN FORBID--other people were trying to listen to the TV, and then he freaked on me because I wouldn't let him eat a chocolate bar after a piece of cake...



I flipped my shit in the car on the way home.  Yeah, if you were driving by at approx. 7:45 last night, I was the mom in the little green car who was SHRIEKING as she drove.  Shrieking because after trying to be patient, and understanding, and saying the same thing over and over again in a calm, rational voice, and getting smacked (me, people), and yelled at, for three solid hours, it builds and builds and BUILDS until you LOSE IT.  Something SNAPS inside you, and you're shrieking down the road that your son needs MEDICINE to STOP BUGGING HIS SISTER!!!!!!!!

I'm finding solace in LAUNDRY. 

Does that tell you everything you need to know?!?


  1. holy mother of jack, karen has lost it!
    we do that too. and there's something about yelling in a car that makes it seem even bigger because the screaming fills every crack & crevice, having nowhere to go to dissipate. did your kids cry and shrink away from you like you were a giant child-eating ogre? that's what mine does when i yell at her.
    do you feel better now? how many days til school goes back in session? and i have that same stupid ass cutting problem when i sit on swings. stupid little kids & their little butts.

  2. So wait, I need say you're done with summer? Is that it? HAHAHA!!

    Sorry, I couldn't pass that up.

    Oh Lord, what's going to happen for the next two weeks?? And where on earth do you live so I NEVER relocate there. You don't have to answer that but if I do move I'm sending you a private message.

    Hang in there, I'll save you some gin. Maybe.

  3. Smug bitch alert: I saw this future and rejected it, which is why I am childless by choice. This sounds like the tenth ring of hell to me. Good luck, love, may the force be with you to get through the next two weeks without killing those kids.

    Sarah xxx

  4. Um, okaaaay then.
    You know I love my kids to pieces and I'm sure that you do to that's why this post was funny to me and not making me want to call CPS on you.
    Listen, we can travel the world at 70 together, deal?
    Take care and soon you can breathe again.
    Your Friend, m.

  5. Hahahaha! I love this post! Bless your heart you do way more stuff with your kids than I do!

  6. I hear ya! Sometimes, I would just like to eat my own dinner...whle it is still warm...sometimes I would like to read a "big girl" book adn not Barnyard Dance for the 10000000000 time. Sometimes i would like to have a hot shower -by-myself (not shared with a 3 year old who needs to have the water cold! Someitmes I would like to pee in silence-alone! Ahhhh
    Last night I poured my self a sprite and orange the looked like water. My loving 3 year said "Mommy can i have some of your water?"
    "Oh no, that mommys big girl drink..its not water...i will get you your own drink"
    "MOMMMMMYYY!! you have to share...thats not nice!"
    How did our moms do it?

  7. Ah my darling! Put the kids in one room all by themselves with toys and cheese doodles; lock the door; go to the opposite end of the house where you can't hear the carnage; make a cocktail and sit and breathe deeply. Stay there for at least an hour.

    They will get older and this too shall pass!

  8. sherilin, I don't think the kids cringed away from me at that particular moment, but yeah, that's happened in the past, and suddenly your brain uploads an image of just how BIG we really are compared to our little people, and then, oh the shame.

    Jack did ask me later in his bed why I shouted in the car. Then I had to calmly explain how sometimes kids push me right off the cliff.

  9. Oh Lizbeth, I have lost my FORTITUDE. Damn...better find it again...

    I could make gin work. Definitely.

  10. So Sarah, does this mean you won't move here and be my live-in nanny? Ha ha! You keep your smug bitch ways--me likee, and you do it with style!

  11. Can we drive across the American desert, Mark? I've always wanted to drive across the American desert!

    Yeah, funny thing about child services...when jack was being bad and I told him he couldn't watch his Wiggles video he freaked so much that I swear the neighbours must think I beat my children. Good lord.

  12. Because I'm an IDIOT Paula? That's right, isn't it--IDIOT! No, that's a terrible attitude on my part. Maybe I do so much stuff to keep them from destroying each other...

  13. How did our moms do it, Steph? They forced us outside, and then they peed, crapped, cocktailed, and did whatever the hell else they wanted in SOLITUDE.

    Yeah, I'm starting to get tired of the kids busting in to the bathroom to tell me something.

    Ha ha ha...I read the barnyard dance a lot too!

  14. Thank you Sandy. I actually escaped to water my plants last night. Till dark.

  15. Heres my NEW version of the Barnyard Dance...
    Clap your hands
    Stomp your feet
    Take a shot
    and think its neat!

  16. You'd better publish that for grownups Steph. A modern cocktail infused fairytaile...

  17. wait just wait don't lose your whole mind.

    i was thinking last night i am ready for winter.

    but since YOU HAD A SUMMER, unlike me laying around, going to physio, stretching, and strengthening and arm that will just barely go past 90*

    oh and how about having a husband on the roof re-roofing, and every scratch, bump, sliding, booming falling noise that was ever invented makes you feel like you are going to have a heart attack because you think it is THE MAN falling off a roof?

    Oh and since you cannot drive because you effed up your right arm, and you can't get out of the house to avoid all the near miss heart attacks.

    so who do you think had a better summer???

    oh , I wasnt on blogger for ever and Had to go find myself, becaus they blocked me!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. they blocked you! Holy crap, Melissa! Yeah, you've been having a pretty shitty summer. No doubt about that! Is that arm getting any better???

    Aw, I forgot about frank. I miss your home reno pics too.

  19. wow you now have 2 paula fans,thats pretty exciting!i wish i could build a time machine in my garage, so could go straight to sept. 6.summers make my hair grayer and my bum fatter, too much kid time for me too!

  20. I hope tomorrow will be more soothing for you.

  21. Paula H. (hee hee, how strange to have to put the H after all this time...); YES! Do you find you're stuck at home WAY more often during the summer, and WAY less inclined to get out there walking too???

    Ugh. It is so true.

  22. Absolutely hilarious! I just found your blog online this evening and can oh so relate! I love the way you write. I haven't laughed like this in a long while. Thanks!

  23. why thank you, Radi-gal, and you're welcome. Nice of you to drop in!


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