Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

How to Make A Peach Pie The NON STUPID WAY

Everyone, I have very strong opinions about certain baked goods; specifically:  CAKE and PIE.  Here are the facts:  many people do not bake, and therefore rely on the sh*t that their local grocery store or sub sandwich shop, or slightly crappy bakery has to offer by way of cake.  They also buy cakes and cupcakes from stores that pretend to be FROU-FROU fancy cupcakes SHOPPES, and if they have a freaking cupcake shop, this must mean they are cupcake experts, right? 


Once at a family dinner, some "fancy" cupcakes were procured for dessert.  Ooo, aaah, everyone sighed.  Look at all the fancy coloursDon't they look GOODLook, there's a MINT ONE, a COCONUT ONE, a CHOCOLATE ONE, and A PINK ONE...oh, the LEMONY YELLOW ONE must be LEMON!  So, everyone chose a colour, and dug in. 

"These are GOOD, eh?!?"

karen's verdict:  MEDIOCREThe icing was that pseudo buttercream horror, and the cake was lackluster at best.  I don't care how pretty you make the PACKAGE, the PRESENT ITSELF had better be good. 

Once I was browsing recipe blogs, and the woman author of one foodie blog proclaimed that she had found "the best recipe for icing."  It was not sickeningly sweet, and had a fabulous texture.  It was some kind of buttercream horror with SHORTENING IN IT. 


F*cking shortening.  Go take a moment to open up that drawer in your fridge and throw that shit out.  Go on.  I'll wait for you.  It's a trans-fat.  DO I NEED TO TELL YOU AGAIN ABOUT TRANS FREAKING FATS?

But, this post isn't about cake.  It's about pie. 

Good pie. 

Pie that is ACTUALLY good.  Not some bullsh*t pie with a cardboard crust and big, hard chunks of apple in it, suspended in some kind of snotty apple cornstarch sludge.  That is not a good pie.  A good pie has meltingly soft (NOT MUSHY) fruit, and is juicy.  This means that when you slice a piece, some FRUIT JUICE will run out onto the plate.  So you can lick the plate after. No, don't pretend you are too civilized to lick the plate.  This is acknowledgement of a GOOD piece of pie. 

A good pie crust is made with flour, salt, cold water, and lard.  LARD.  The end. 

But, you don't know good pie.  YET.  Your family always bought one of those apple pies that came in a box.  You heated it up for a bit while you ate dinner, so you could melt your vanilla-flavoured ice cream on it, and sure, it was OKAY, but you really loved it because you simply DO NOT KNOW ANY BETTER.  YET!

I tell you this because I love you.  I know this is hard for you to hear.  Those pies and tarts you got from those country market shops?  I'm sorry, they sucked a bit too. 

And so I am ANGRY.  I am angry at these SO-SO baked 'treats' that try to pass themself off as GOOD, and since peaches are in season here, I made a motherf*cking PEACH PIE this past weekend, and it was DOPE. 



Stop whining. 


Non-Stupid Peach Pie

Standard Double Crust Plain Pastry

* 1 1/2 cups Cake and Pastry Flour (I find it more forgiving than "all purpose" flour)
* 1/2 tsp salt
* 1/2 cup very cold lard
* 5-10 tbsp  ice cold water


* 6-8 peaches (depending on size)
* 1/2 cup sugar
* dash or squeeze of lemon juice
* 1 tbsp melted butter
* 2 tbsp all purpose flour
* ground cinnamon

*** you can substitute apples for peaches.  The recipe stays the same, but omit the flour.

basic crust recipe adapted from the Five Roses cookbook.  They use shortening though.  Because they are WRONG. 

 In a large bowl add flour and salt.  *Here is a trick:  with a BOX GRATER, grate in the lard.  It will be so easy to incorporate into the flour, you will cry.

you need a pastry cutter thingy like I have here.  Or, two sharp knives, like only everyone's grannies used.  "Cut" the lard into the flour until the fat is the size of "small peas."

see?  Fat incorporated well into flour, so it's in small rollies.

5 to 10 tablespoons of ice cold water, YO.  That's 150 ml's BITCHES

carefully start pouring that cold water in, a little at a time, and dragging a fork around to get all the flour moistened so it can start to stick together.  Keep FORKING until you get ALL the little bits.  ALL OF THEM.  Only add as much water as is needed to get all your dough to stick together in one large ball.

at this point you've put down your fork to feel how moist the dough is.  You start to swipe that dough ball around the bowl to grab all the little piece of dough. 

ta-da!  One ball of dough, with all flour in.

divide into two same-size balls. Insert joke about "two balls" here.

cover loosely with plastic wrap and pop those babies in the fridge for ONE HOUR.  That's right:  ONE HOUR.  If your dough was a little too wet, or if you effed up a bit, an hour of resting time will be SO FORGIVING to your dough.  Trust me. 

that gives you time to clean THIS up.  Lousy single sink.  Stupid $%!* dishes...

ah!  All nice and tidy.  And look! Here are your rosy peaches (*note cute little boy in the background MASSACRE-ING his cinnamon toast). I have 7 peaches.

PREHEAT YOUR OVEN TO 450 DEGREES.  Peal and slice fruit into thin pieces

see?  Not too thick.  NO BIG HARD HUNKS (erm...) OF FRUIT!  Now add sugar, dash of lemon juice flour and butter--but no cinnamon.  Stir well to incorporate.

do you have a small sieve?  Oh well, dust some flour onto your workspace, so your dough won't stick.

one dough ball goes in the middle of the flour, the other goes back in the fridge.  Dust that thing liberally with flour.  This will also help if your dough was too wet before you fridged it.  Yeah, I said "fridged." 

start rolling.  Roll out from the centre in all directions.  Sprinkle more flour on if your rolling pin sticks, and shoo it up from the table with one of those fancy dough scraper thingies or a thin spatula to toss more flour underneath if your dough is sticking to the rolling surface. 

the goal is to roll it into a circle wide enough to fit into your pie plate.  Hold it over to see how it will fit. 

carefully fold your dough in half, and scooch it off the table to your pie plate.  Unfold gently in your un-floured pie plate.

press gently into pie plate to make sure there are no air pockets anywhere.  If you have little tears, just kinda pinch it back together. 

this is where things get stupid, and fancy enough to give you a freaking headache.  I made a fancy 'lattice' crust.  You do not have to.  You can simply roll your second ball of dough, as above, into a nice circle large enough to cover the top of your pie.  I rolled it out into a circle, and cut into thin strips with a sharp knife.  Then I went all OVER/UNDER, OVER/UNDER, OVER/UNDER, and cursed viciously at what a pain in the ass it was, and what a STUPID WASTE OF TIME AND WHY AM I MAKING THE FANCY CRUST TOP THIS IS STOOOOOOPID....

once you have your top crust rolled out, or rolled out and sliced into strips, pour your peach filling into bottom crust.  No worries, it will be runny.  Sprinkle lightly with cinammon.  Cover with top circle of crust, or weave your hellish over, under, over, under lattice.  If you have a plain crust top, dock well with a fork (that means prick it, baby), and pinch the edges together either by rolling under or sealing together with a fork.  At any rate, make sure you cut the excess crust off at the sides, or it will look silly. 

Oh wait....the lattice crust does look wicked.  Hrm...maybe the sweating and swearing was worth it...
At any rate, you can now brush the top of your crust with a pastry brush dipped in a beaten egg yolk with a teeny amount of water added to it.  Or, skip it.  No worries.  Or, do your egg wash thingy and then sprinkle the top of your crust with a little white sugar.  Sparkly like fairy land.

Bake for 10 minutes at 450 degrees, then reduce heat to 350 degrees and bake for another 50 to 60 minutes or until crust is golden brown. 

Yes, we are awesome.

pretty, isn't she.

another shot to drool over

now you know I was right. 


  1. I always put a little flour in with the peaches to help soak up all the juices. I also use butter instead of lard. It does the same thing and I like the taste.

  2. Holy crap....does the NON STUPID way also mean loads of friggin' laughter??? Cuz I was cracking up a storm over here. A most excellent post, my dear...though I I'm a less than stupid baker, so I probably wouldn't be able to do it. PS I was pretty pissed the other day when I went to a fancy farmer's market and bought a BEE U TEE ful blueberry pie that ended up being super dry and tasteless. UGH!!!! Clearly they didn't use lard. And I bet the blueberries were plastic.

  3. You actually make making pies look like fun! How awesome. And it's looks so delicious.

  4. I may, "MAY" give this a try. But don't hold me to it. Two reasons, first, the one that you mentioned abot "my wife or husband". By the way, I don't have either. But the second one is, I don't eat pie. But, everyone else in my Family does and wouldn't they be surprised if I actually made one. I'm sure Fred would fall over dead with surprise. And if he does, I'm gonna blame you.
    Good job and thanks for the lesson.
    Your Friend, m.

  5. For the record... I had a slice of pie from Karen. She was kind enough to save some for me. I didn't share with my hubby. No way. Besides. He informed me that he's not really a "pie person." Whatever the hell THAT means. The eye rolling was warranted.

    I warmed it in the oven.. just a bit. Put a scoop of vanilla icecream.. sat down hoping the kids were spaced out on cartoons enough NOT to notice. The older one never noticed my pie. The younger did. I let her have two bites. The rest was mine. MINE! And I ate it!!! and I groaned like a perverted idiot and then I LICKED the plate. YEAH!

    Karen.. you do make a freakin' awesome pie.. and I'm so glad you put the recipe up like that because I'm going to DO IT! I'm so excited!


  6. agreed George: you need to add a little flour in with the peaches, but I never add as much as a recipe calls for (quarter cup or more). Fruit is juicy, I think a pie needs to reflect that.

    I do like your BUTTER statement though and so I am up for the challenge to see what the pie would be like with a butter (not lard) pastry. I am going to make one. I don't disagree with butter, but I am SUPER OPPOSED TO SHORTENING, which is actually Satan.

    I dig your pie knowledge :)

  7. Maria, if it didn't mean loads of laughter, it would just plain suck.

    Yeah, they added too much flour or cornstarch to the blueberries. Beware the BOUGHT blueberry pie, perhaps most of all: it's usually thickened to death. I have an excellent and rediculously simple recipe for blueberry pie as well.

  8. Thanks Clarissa! You tech savvy people can just plunk your laptops on the kitchen table and MAKE THAT FREAKING PIE!

  9. Mark: YOU DON'T EAT PIE?!? wait...why am I shocked....I have just been ranting over and over again that you can not buy an awesome pie.

    I'd love for someone to try it and tell me what they think.

  10. hee hee...that anonymous person is my sister...but don't think this lessens her credibility, because I may SUCK AT MATH, BASEBALL AND GEOGRAPHY but I do make a funking good pie.

    Oh wait...not very humble. Ah, thank you Anonymous Sister. Thank you for getting perverted for my pie.

  11. i am a fat girl who doesn't like cake or pie. what is wrong with me?!
    that does sound nicey nicey though! and look at you kicking the fancy dough weaving skills!

  12. No Sherilin: you are a hot and sexy woman who has not yet discovered the right pie or cake.

  13. You crack me up! See I knew we'd get along. All as I'm reading this I was dying to tell you I've done the same thing with apples. We used to have an apple tree in our back yard and we'd pick those damn things, core 'em and freeze them. Add a little bit of sugar & nutmeg. Put in storage bags and freeze. Then later, all you had to do was make your own crust, plop in the apples and best apple pie ever!

    And I about died a thousand deaths when I walked into a cupcake store and they were selling them for $3 each. Bite me.

  14. Well i am soooo jealous of you right now! How dare you be able to make a pie!!!! I have been trying forever to master the crust now i will try your instructions!
    This pie looks so dam good too!
    I am impressed.
    You know our grandmother made the best pies in the world right???
    Yep all the boys got one for Christmas!!!

    I have your mom's peach cake recipe and it is good!

    Oh and grandma always used lard.
    I use shortening and butter for my chocolate chip cookies and they are the best in the world. People always want the recipe. Now i can't make them because shortening is that bad???

  15. That's it. I'm coming to your house for pie and whiskey. Next jet is at 7:35 in the morn, I'll land around noon. Be ready.

  16. HOly shit! I might actually bake a pie - dang, Karen - you make me wanna get all domestic right before school. The kids will love me more~! Thanks!~
    I'll repost ya' as the featured mom of the day - just made that up - anyone else? Bring it on!

  17. Lizbeth, I'm jealous of your apple tree! Maybe I needs me an apple tree....

    That's very handy about having freezer baggies of ready-pie apples.

    This pleases me. However, designer, overpriced cupcakes do not. Which reminds me...there's a fancy cupcake store nearby now...I must try it just so I can wield my snobbery some more.

  18. thanks Pam. The two helpful secrets I have found are 1) cake and pastry flour, and 2) letting the dough rest for at least an hour. I never had any of Nanny's pie, sadly, but I know my dad used to love her pies. You have some fun memories of the family that I've not heard :)

    I was just discussing with Aim that we all used to use shortening, and if you do a choc chip cookie with part shortening and part butter you get THE best texture in a cookie. However, shortening is terrible for you. The process from turning it from a liquid to a solid does EVIL things to it, and the body does not know how to process it.

  19. noon is perfect Leanne. I'm pretty useless in the morning, so I don't GET MY FREAKING ACT TOGETHER until then anyway

  20. YOU MAKE THAT PIE, CHRISTINA! Yes! Call me crazy but pies are a pretty satisfying endeavour when they turn out.

    Hey, repost me all you want. Let me be your blogworld whore! Oh wait, that doesn't sound right...

  21. i am not a pie fan....but maybe you could make me one and i will be a convert!

  22. yes, I could Paula, because I have mad skillz.

  23. that's about ten steps too many for me, but it does look delicious

  24. yes, but what happens when after those ten too many steps, you're eating some ROCK ON PIE? Yeah, you think on that.

  25. Can you please tell me the full name of the Five roses cook book? my family had that book but it was lost, i want to replace it but anytime i try to replace it its impossible to find that version. only the older ones! so frustrating!

  26. Where did you find the five roses cook book!? I have been looking for this particular book to replace my dads lost one. Do you at least know the full title?!

  27. Could you respond to this one? forgot to hit follow up comments!

  28. Hi Tessa! No worries--any comments on older posts come up in my "awaiting moderation" folder, or I get notified in my email PLUS I super love comments, so I wouldn't have forgotten you!

    I do not know if any "Five Roses Cookbooks" are being printed any longer. If I'm not mistaken, Five Roses may have been bought out by Robin Hood.

    At any rate, I got this cookbook several years ago.

    Here is the full name:

    "The Five Roses Complete Guide To Good Cooking

    26th Edition (Revised 1989) Published and Copyrighted by Ogilvie Mills Ltd. Montreal, Midland, Winnipeg, Medicine Hat Canada"

    here is an address that may be helpful as well:

    The Five Roses Kitchen
    Consumer Services
    P.O. Box 6089
    Montreal, Quebec
    H3C 3H1

    I see there are still copies floating around for purchase on

    Give it a try and see what you can find! My brother did order one for my mother a few years ago online.

    Here is a link to that edition:

    I don't know about because they won't ship to Canada. Good luck!


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