Once at a family dinner, some "fancy" cupcakes were procured for dessert. Ooo, aaah, everyone sighed. Look at all the fancy colours! Don't they look GOOD! Look, there's a MINT ONE, a COCONUT ONE, a CHOCOLATE ONE, and A PINK ONE...oh, the LEMONY YELLOW ONE must be LEMON! So, everyone chose a colour, and dug in.
"These are GOOD, eh?!?"
karen's verdict: MEDIOCRE. The icing was that pseudo buttercream horror, and the cake was lackluster at best. I don't care how pretty you make the PACKAGE, the PRESENT ITSELF had better be good.
Once I was browsing recipe blogs, and the woman author of one foodie blog proclaimed that she had found "the best recipe for icing." It was not sickeningly sweet, and had a fabulous texture. It was some kind of buttercream horror with SHORTENING IN IT.
F*cking shortening. Go take a moment to open up that drawer in your fridge and throw that shit out. Go on. I'll wait for you. It's a trans-fat. DO I NEED TO TELL YOU AGAIN ABOUT TRANS FREAKING FATS?
But, this post isn't about cake. It's about pie.
Pie that is ACTUALLY good. Not some bullsh*t pie with a cardboard crust and big, hard chunks of apple in it, suspended in some kind of snotty apple cornstarch sludge. That is not a good pie. A good pie has meltingly soft (NOT MUSHY) fruit, and is juicy. This means that when you slice a piece, some FRUIT JUICE will run out onto the plate. So you can lick the plate after. No, don't pretend you are too civilized to lick the plate. This is acknowledgement of a GOOD piece of pie.
A good pie crust is made with flour, salt, cold water, and lard. LARD. The end.
But, you don't know good pie. YET. Your family always bought one of those apple pies that came in a box. You heated it up for a bit while you ate dinner, so you could melt your vanilla-flavoured ice cream on it, and sure, it was OKAY, but you really loved it because you simply DO NOT KNOW ANY BETTER. YET!
I tell you this because I love you. I know this is hard for you to hear. Those pies and tarts you got from those country market shops? I'm sorry, they sucked a bit too.
And so I am ANGRY. I am angry at these SO-SO baked 'treats' that try to pass themself off as GOOD, and since peaches are in season here, I made a motherf*cking PEACH PIE this past weekend, and it was DOPE.
You, my friends--you are going to make one too. NO! DO NOT FEAR! DO NOT BE LAZY! DO NOT TELL ME IT IS YOUR WIVES OR YOUR HUSBANDS WHO BAKE! DO NOT TELL ME YOU HAVE BUTTERFINGERS! AFTER THIS LONG-WINDED TUTORIAL YOU WILL NOT HAVE BUTTERFINGERS--NO--YOU WILL HAVE
LARD FINGERS!!! AND YOU WILL BE PROUD OF IT!
Non-Stupid Peach Pie
Standard Double Crust Plain Pastry
* 1 1/2 cups Cake and Pastry Flour (I find it more forgiving than "all purpose" flour)
* 1/2 tsp salt
* 1/2 cup very cold lard
* 5-10 tbsp ice cold water
* 6-8 peaches (depending on size)
* 1/2 cup sugar
* dash or squeeze of lemon juice
* 1 tbsp melted butter
* 2 tbsp all purpose flour
* ground cinnamon
*** you can substitute apples for peaches. The recipe stays the same, but omit the flour.
|basic crust recipe adapted from the Five Roses cookbook. They use shortening though. Because they are WRONG.|
|In a large bowl add flour and salt. *Here is a trick: with a BOX GRATER, grate in the lard. It will be so easy to incorporate into the flour, you will cry.|
|you need a pastry cutter thingy like I have here. Or, two sharp knives, like only everyone's grannies used. "Cut" the lard into the flour until the fat is the size of "small peas."|
|see? Fat incorporated well into flour, so it's in small rollies.|
|5 to 10 tablespoons of ice cold water, YO. That's 150 ml's BITCHES|
|at this point you've put down your fork to feel how moist the dough is. You start to swipe that dough ball around the bowl to grab all the little piece of dough.|
|ta-da! One ball of dough, with all flour in.|
|divide into two same-size balls. Insert joke about "two balls" here.|
|cover loosely with plastic wrap and pop those babies in the fridge for ONE HOUR. That's right: ONE HOUR. If your dough was a little too wet, or if you effed up a bit, an hour of resting time will be SO FORGIVING to your dough. Trust me.|
|that gives you time to clean THIS up. Lousy single sink. Stupid $%!* dishes...|
|ah! All nice and tidy. And look! Here are your rosy peaches (*note cute little boy in the background MASSACRE-ING his cinnamon toast). I have 7 peaches.|
|PREHEAT YOUR OVEN TO 450 DEGREES. Peal and slice fruit into thin pieces|
|see? Not too thick. NO BIG HARD HUNKS (erm...) OF FRUIT! Now add sugar, dash of lemon juice flour and butter--but no cinnamon. Stir well to incorporate.|
|do you have a small sieve? Oh well, dust some flour onto your workspace, so your dough won't stick.|
|one dough ball goes in the middle of the flour, the other goes back in the fridge. Dust that thing liberally with flour. This will also help if your dough was too wet before you fridged it. Yeah, I said "fridged."|
|start rolling. Roll out from the centre in all directions. Sprinkle more flour on if your rolling pin sticks, and shoo it up from the table with one of those fancy dough scraper thingies or a thin spatula to toss more flour underneath if your dough is sticking to the rolling surface.|
|the goal is to roll it into a circle wide enough to fit into your pie plate. Hold it over to see how it will fit.|
|carefully fold your dough in half, and scooch it off the table to your pie plate. Unfold gently in your un-floured pie plate.|
|press gently into pie plate to make sure there are no air pockets anywhere. If you have little tears, just kinda pinch it back together.|
|Yes, we are awesome.|
|pretty, isn't she.|
|another shot to drool over|
|now you know I was right.|