Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Is Summer Over Yet?



Okay, that's it. 

I'm done.  Finito.  I've had enough of summer vacation.  If I'm not mistaken, the children of my American friends have either already gone back to school, or are RIGHT on the verge of going back to school.  My kids still have TWENTY THREE FREAKING DAYS LEFT.  Oh my god.  Why did I just go and count that?  I think I'll go have an anxiety attack for a moment if you don't mind....

At the beginning of the vacation, I was all happy--you know; like an idiot.  No more rushing around in the morning, getting yelled at, verbally abused, pulling children apart, knocking heads together in order to get them to school.  Hooray for sleeping in! 

We filled up the little pool, and the kids were so excited, they were in that icy water before it even reached their ankles.  Yay!  Summer is GREAT! Let's blog about how wonderful summer is, and how huggysnuggy we feel because we're sitting in the back yard with a f*cking cocktail, and even though it's approximately 300 degrees outside, it's so pleasant and oh me oh my, look at how the pretty flowers are growing!  Oh, good gracious me, I'm so happy to barbecue food again!  

And then, the constant, unrelenting fighting started.  And by constant I mean ALL THE TIME. 

We went to the pool, and the library, and the local art gallery, and the store to buy some fun things for the little pool, and we went to the splash pad, and that indoor playland, and we went on a nice vacation and we swam a million times a day...
Why, they're even fighting as I type this, and The Man is in there saying "leave Ella ALOOOOONE.  Leave her ALONE.  I'm not gonna tell you again!"  Why is The Man the one who has to be in there telling them off?  Because if I go in there again I'll have a stroke. 

That and my throat is getting FATIGUED from trying to reason with them.  You know--reason with them like they're a miniature version of rational human beings.  Which they are NOT. 

Now Jack is goading The Man and singing out "IDIOT!"  My smack hand is tingling.  OH wait--it's still not acceptable to smack the crap out of your own kids anymore, is it. 

Hey everyone, remember when we were kids, and every time we'd be in the grocery or department store with our moms, there'd be some other kid there who'd do something bad, and that kid's mom would LAY THE BEATS on that kid, right there in the middle of the store?  Remember how they always hauled that kid up by one arm with one hand, and with the other hand, they spanked in a frenzy?  Remember how you'd be standing there with your brother or sister watching this with wide-eyed, unblinking HORROR, and you felt SO, SO SORRY for that kid, and you HAD to conclude that his/her mother was a MONSTER?  Little did you realise that that kid probably hadn't shut up for the past hour:

"I wanna go home!  I don't wanna go shopping!  TAKE ME HOME!  Buy this ball for me!  No!  I WANT IT!  I WANT THE BALL!  GIVE ME MY BALL!  SCREEEECH SCREECH SCREEEEEEECH SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!" 

and that poor mother, pushed past all sense of reason and sense of right and wrong, lost her sh*t and gave in for one, brief, beautiful, deeply satisfying moment and...

oh wait, this doesn't sound very good. 

Okay, calm down. It's just a fantasy.  I'm not a pro-spanking advocate.  But let me tell you, when you're pleading with your children to JUST. STOP. FIGHTING. until your throat is sore, and then you put them in TIME OUT, and the whole time they're in TIME OUT, they try to kick you, or smack you, or dig their fingernails into your arm, and they call you the worst names with the smirky voice....


I'd better go get me a new bottle of whisky today.

And so, sadly, I am counting the minutes until school starts, and then my kid who doesn't know how to amuse himself when he's not drawing pictures, or conducting his own imaginary orchestra, will be back in a rock-solid routine all day.  Even if it means that he'll be anxious about everything again.  Ella will get a break from the relentless pestering, and she'll be pried away from her beloved TELEVISION. 

And me?  I'm GOING TO PEEL THE SHRINK WRAP off that yoga dvd finally, and I'm going to walk them to school every day, give them big kisses and hugs, and then run back home and laugh until I weep with relief.

Judge me as you will.    

How is YOUR summer winding down, parents?  Do me a favour, won't you:  if it was calm and wonderful, could you just please make up a story of suffering for me?  It would mean a lot. 



  1. i won't tell you a sad story of woe because my summer has been basically awesome. it's my school year which starts in 3 f@#king days that i'm dreading. i get a little jealous every year when everyone starts writing on facebook about how their houses are gloriously quiet and clean once again now that the kids are back in school. and i'm sitting next to a kid who is bashing her head (literally) into the table or wall, howling & biting her hands because she doesn't want to learn how to spell "handle."
    the torture! the torment our children put us through! it's a good thing we love them & they're cute or we could seriously need to be admitted. i'd happily act nutty sometimes in order to be sent to the nut house for a flippin break, if only i had insurance!
    i didn't make you feel better, did i? i do commiserate though, my misery just comes as yours eases off.

  2. This is why we parents are basically saints.

  3. Don't worry Karen, I too can not wait until ALL three of my kids go to school. My kids do not go back until the day after Labor day so I am feeling your pain. Oh, and yes, I do dread school to, I too have a son like SherilinR who does not like to do his homework and we battle everyday. Just take one day at a time.

  4. i can not wait for school to start..thank you Lord for the gift that is public school!

  5. Dude, you aren't a bad mom, you're a real mom.

    Our kids went back to school last week. Bobina and I celebrated like we won a million bucks. I love my kids but I SICK of hearing daddy this and that and never getting to go to the bathroom.

    BTW, I've been reading your blog, every day. Blogger was being a punk arse bitch and not letting me comment.

    good stuff

  6. I annot imageine the excitement of schooll starting for you. I wasn and abosute montser for my mohter.

  7. Our summer had made a drastic u-turn and is now circling the drain. I'm letting them run around like free range chickens just so I don't have to yell at them. I think they're so sick of seeing me every day this tactic is working and they are playing quietly upstairs. I don't care if they are making Atom bombs, they're quiet.

  8. Oh, I'm totally with you! We have 3 non-school weeks left too here in Ireland! I'm trying decide which I prefer more too...the getting up late with no school lunches/runs/homework etc OR the slowly becoming more attractive getting up early to do all the above BUT having 5 fabulous hours to myself!!!

    xx jazzy

  9. oh Sherilin, do we love how dramatic our children are when they're opposed to something? Do we? Do we??? Just imagine being in some serene mental recovery place with rolling green parks and lots of least that's how I imagine it :(

  10. that gives me a better mental picture of myself, dbs. Thanks. Much better than SCREAMING IDIOT MOM.

  11. But every one day at a time DAY is the same, Alaina! WAAAAAAAA! wAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Yeah, I figured you might say the same.

  12. how come blogger keeps shutting you down, Lance? Is it a blogger/wordpress conspiracy???

    Yeah, I figured your kids had already gone back to school.

  13. you're going to have to blog about that George, cuz I'm curious.

  14. Lizbeth, I'm so happy you said "circling the drain" again, because when you said that in a post, it delighted me. Free range quiet chickens sound much nicer than scratchy bitey spoiled brat tantrum chickens.

  15. Hi jazzygal :) thanks for coming along for the ride of whining! worded that so appealingly...slowly getting more attrative in those yummy alone hours...


  16. Well, if it makes you feel better and that you're an awesome mom, I awarded you the 'Blog on Fire' award. Yep, your blog is smoking 'muy caliente'.
    I think your blog is great to read and I love to come on over.
    Wishing the best for the rest of the summer,
    Español para Niños (Spanish for Kids)

  17. Love it when you b*tch and love that you just won an award for it, too - ha! go kids!
    Sheesh - the fighting is relentless - you aren't used to it yet? Oh, I think your kids are younger - and the TV? "One more fight today and no TV for a WEEK." Try it - works wonders. If you have to use it, remember - it's reversible: "If you make through the rest of the day without (insert her 'fighting, hitting Jack' = whatever) I might let you watch television." Last: jobs. They got through loads of laundry today until that wonderful, overflowing washer broke down - again, yep, it's shot.
    Hang in there you whiskey slugging angel of a mother. I just got through two extra kids in the house this week for a total of 7 days and 5 sleepovers - in your face woman! : )

  18. I once gave Johnny a spanking right in the middle of Walmart. It's when I finally realized that I was Poor White Trash. It happened when he was five and he still brings it up.

  19. I was the kid who made my parents loose their sh*t. My poor parents. My kids do a very good job themsleves. I go into teh basement scream..and come back upstairs a happy mom..hahahaha
    I am excited for Ben to go back to school...then he will stop whining abuit not seeing any of his friends..and being so bored...The kids goes to FUN CAMP ALL DAY!? I dotn get it...i just dont get it!

  20. why thank you Barbara. Muy Caliente is a very appealing way to say I'm a hot head and like to rant :)

  21. 7 days and 5 sleepovers! Now Christina, that just sounds like MADNESS. I'd better pour you a whisky.

    Ugh about the washer. Ugh ugh ugh. I say this as I have about four loads of laundry sitting and waiting...probably more.

    I just turned pale at the thought of the fight I'd have of a whole day of no tv, even if it would be wonderful to have that thing off.

  22. Oh Mark! You must have been SO DRIVEN to it. Yeah, look at me all on the PARENT side of this story.

    The only time I ever got a smack on the bum was for drawing on the gold velvet couch with a black felt pen, drawing on the coffee table, and drawing on my bedroom wall all in the same week.

  23. I just do not remember being bored when I was a kid, Steph. Yeah, I was bored when I had to go to the appliances section of the department store with my parents, but if I was home and playing with toys, I was happy. It wasn't until I was about 13 that I started to get BORED.

    Oh yes, I can remmeber your dad chasing you around, and your mother yelling an exhasperated "STEPHANIE!"


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