Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Why I Don't Watch Much TV

Srsly, why are we famus again?
- bc we r HAWT--DUH! Who needs 2 make a contribution 2 da world whn u r hawt??? (image from here)

Yeah.  I don't watch a lot of TV.  On Sunday nights I enjoy whatever HBO Canada is currently offering up--right now that means True Blood.  Saturday mornings I like to watch New Scandinavian Cooking on PBS, because the recipes look delightfully weird and repellant, and Andreas Viestad is just so darn quirky. 
today I will be preparing fermented cod in a dill cream sauce with a purée of turnip, ha ha, how bizarre to your north american senses!
I also seem to get sucked into the Sex & The City Marthon that's on Saturday nights occasionally, but only if The Man has already fallen asleep, because I can't take all that eye rolling and whining usually.

Mostly though? TV is a vast WASTELAND. My sister would disagree. She thinks there is something to watch EVERY NIGHT of the week. That means I get to hear lots about the latest episode of Deadliest Catch or some other manly type show about dudes who take their lives into their own hands by driving their transport truck over a road made of ice, so they can make the big bucks.

During the day, the children seem to own the TV. Yeah, you can judge me on this. This is where I am indeed a BAD MOTHER, because if that dial moves off the cartoon station, the freaking is legendary. Then at night, The Man is always watching something SUPER TEDIOUS. You know; some kind of show in which dum-dums have to run through a padded, wet obstacle course, and get bashed off track by giant padded mallets? Or maybe it's a show with a ridiculously improbable pairing of combatants, and you have to wait till the end to see if Ghengis Khan will kick Abraham Lincoln's ass in a battle or vice versa. Or else he'll be watching something that reeks of SCIENCE, and that makes my girlbrain run screaming away from the TV every time.

Once--ONCE I got sucked into some show that was a spotlight on the Kardashian family. I lost 500 IQ points in ten minutes, and I'll never get that time on my LIFE CLOCK back again. Let me try to paraphrase the scene that is burned into my head for life. Okay, in case you are lucky enough to not know who the hell this asinine family is, the mom used to be married to the guy who was OJ's lawyer, and now she's married to the plastic mannequin edition of Bruce Jenner.

now that's just f*cking scary (Image)

Bruce Jenner, was a famous Olympic athlete.  For more self-aggrandizing information on Jenner, click HERE.

Anyhoo, as the story goes, one time Kim K. had to do a project on someone important for school.  Yes, I know, you were all thinking she went to Rump Shakerz accademy, but apparently she actually went to school.  Anyhoo let's see how well I remember this:

Kim K.:  "So I had to do this project on someone famous for school, and I was like 'who am I going to do it on,' and Bruce was like 'why don't you do it on ME!' and I was like 'okay, well, who are you???' and so Bruce explained who he was and his time in the Olympics, so I did my project on him, and during my presentation, Bruce made a surprise guest appearance and like, my teacher was totally in love with Bruce Jenner so needless to say, I got an A."

and then I went and threw up. And then I punched myself right in the head for allowing myself to watch a spotlight on the Kardashians.

And here's another reason I don't watch a lot of TV:  there seems to be this new trend of programming wherein all the weirdos of the world get a half hour spotlight, and get to feel like they're awesome simply by being TOTAL FREAKING FREAKS.  Oh, I'm sorry, do I sound like an insensitive jerk?  GOOD!  BECAUSE I'VE HAD IT!

like, the guy who was on some strange sex show talking about his massive, massive dong, and saying that the ladies have to be patient if they want him to "get to full size."  WTF?!?  What--is it like filling up the kiddy pool?  Does it take an hour for that much blood to get into his weiner?  And by the way ICK, and furthermore, YURG.  Yeah, it's not his fault that he has super donk, but I do. not. need. to. know. about. it.

or, how about the guy who gets turned on by blowing up balloons?  DON'T ASK ME, PEOPLE, I have no idea.  Yeah, he gets super wood by blowing up balloons, and he used to feel like he was all alone in his balloon lust until he found a whole group of bizarros who also enjoy balloon erotica.  Because there is always more than one, people, there always is. 

But this, my loves, THIS one takes the cake as far as I'm concerned.  Even if you're unfamiliar with the name, surely you've heard of the bizarre phenom known as PICA???

Pica is a pattern of eating non-food materials, such as dirt or paper, or other inedible delicacies. I'm sensitive to this, I really am. When I was a small kid, I used to eat towel strings. They were delicious. Then I grew the freak up and ate a real diet with fibre and nutrients, and I didn't crave towel strings anymore, OKAY??? So yeah, I get this, until my sister told me about the episode starring the woman who could not stop snacking on her late husband's ashes.

He was good before, but he's downright DELICIOUS now

It's okay.  Take your time. 

I'll wait. 

Let it sink in. 

So yeah, this person carries the urn with her wherever she goes, to snack on whenever she needs to.  And sometimes her mother chases her around saying stuff like; "honey, I love ya, but ya have ta STOP." 

And yet, AND YET, AND F*CKING YET, here she is, on TV.  And this is considered ENTERTAINMENT now. 

Yeah, I think I'll stick to books, and playing word scramble games online. 


  1. "Filling up the kiddie pool" = Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh, as usual.
    And yup, TV is a cesspool (except for what your husband watches; Wipeout is, er, educational.)

  2. OMG, I saw that episode of Strange Sex. I could not look away from the horror of it all. I mean, feel sorry for a guy with a big wiener?!? There are a lot of other things to get upset about. Just sayin.

    And My Strange Addition--that show's just messed up. I saw a commercial for one episode where a woman could not stop eating rocks. ROCKS.

    I feel silly knowing the titles of the shows. In my defense our cable provider has the shows listed as I flip channels. I usually flip around and then turn it off.

  3. Oh. My. God. Sooooo glad I missed THAT show! And I so stay away from the Kardashians....I NEED my IQ points, dammit!

  4. omg, i laughed so hard at your kiddie pool line! yay for big laughs at karen's place!
    i feel drawn to watch some of those crazy shows once in a while. makes me feel like my own weirdness & my weird family is just plain ole vanilla.

  5. Ya know, we used to have that old dude, what the heck was his name? on TV who gave great editorials about life -
    SCREW IT~ I want you to have that job~~!!!!!

  6. You are so right. So much crap. People who hoard, eat weirs things, women who want a man who is making out with 19 other women and seriously dumb starlets who don't contribute squat to the world.

    We download a number of British detective and mystery shows. I do LOVe sex and the city though. I can never find anything to watch to relieve my boredom.

  7. dbs: educational, eh. Questionable. Highly questionable, that is unless one is working on speed and coordination.

  8. Lizbeth, my sister watches ALL of these shows, and she told me about the woman munching away on rocks. Seriously--get some vitamins people.

    Don't fault yourself for watching these shows--I'll bet they have a lot of viewers.

  9. Maria is a sensible woman. She keeps away from the idiot Kardashians.

  10. Sherilin, therein lies the appeal of those shows: to make the rest of us feel sane. How do we know we're sane without craziness? Yin Yang, etc, etc.

    Glad I gave ya a big laugh :)

  11. The guy on 60 minutes, Christina? Yeah! What is his name! ANDY ROONEY! HOORAY! I COULD BE THE NEXT ANDY ROONEY!

  12. Me too, Chania, me too. Funny you should mention Hoarders, as I had forgotten to mention that show: in North America, they treat them as fragile babies in need of help and nurturing and support. In Britain they call the show "how clean is your house" and give the hoarders a lecture about being filthy pigs.

    Kinda funny.



    a show SO heinous, it may be THE number 1 reason why I think TV is a toilet

  14. I have not watched most of these shows happily. I have seen the Scandi cooking show and I have to say that on the whole I think it would be great to live there I believe it would be truly ghastly to eat here.

  15. Laoch! Simpatico! I would LOVE to go to Norway, but the food looks completely alien to me.

  16. When ya' gonna get their titties off your blog?
    Just kidding! Hope you're well!

  17. Good point, Christina! They're trashy-ing up the place!

  18. FWIW, froma dude point of view, the Dash girls are butetrfaces to me. They are also too dumb for me to say anything more.

    I'm young enough to remember Bruce Jenner as an all american hero as an athlete. wow at his failures since.

    Do you watch Big Brother? Bobina and I are addicts.


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