Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I wonder if my daughter still thinks this is a "happy banana"...


Did you hear that?  That's the sound of all my homeboys quietly clicking over to another website.

Sorry dudes.

Wait!  Don't go!  You can join in the fun too!

Listen, you may or may not be interested, but my LADY TSUNAMI is almost done.  WOO HOO!  FREAKING WOOOOOO HOOOOO!  I can sleep on my back again without fear that the river will run right between the mountains and onto my crisp white sheets!  I can switch the dark brown towels to the white ones with flowers!  Hooray!  HOORAY!

Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away.

I'm tired of maxi pads.  I know, I know--you smart girls have already tried the DIVA CUP, and you lurv it.  I have yet to go hunting for this special cup, because I am a) burnt out, b) forgetful, and c) obsessed with spending my money on NEW SHIRTS. It would be a wise investment--this reusable lady equipment.  It would also be wise to invest in more new underpants, because two pairs kind of disintegrated in the same week.  I guess four years is a pretty long life for a pair of gitch.

Anyhoo, I need to compose a small letter:


You are a very well-known brand of maxi-pads.  You also make something stupid and weird called "ultrathins" and "pantiliners":  two things that I will never have any need for, but I'm guessing you make them for TEENS, who have not yet popped a baby out of their hoo-hoos, and their hormones didn't go completely berzerko yet, so their periods aren't RIDONCULOUS.

But I digress...

Your pads are so much better than the no-name, grocery store, super-pack, economy brand my beloved Mom used to buy.  Those things were stupid.  I might as well have rolled up a t-shirt and stuck that in my gitch, because that is what those old-skool pads felt like.  They were bulky and never ever came with "wings" or "dri-weave", so they were only okay if you were only ever just sitting and not moving.

Also, as I just mentioned,  you have something called dri-weave, which is much better than all the other pads, and as I've now had somewhere around 300 periods, I've come to NEED these fabulous little details, and even though I am a giant cheapskate in nearly all things in life, I no longer skimp on pads.  But here's what I want to know:


Yes, that is my dream:  to find that somewhere out there, there is an ultra-thin, night-time absorbancy pad with all that dri-weave stuff and wings--big, long wings.  I would only need it for about three nights a month.  Am I the only girl in the world who wants this??!?!  Am I???

Because as it stands now, I have two options:  to sleep on one of the ugly towels at night (you know, the ones you save for when you colour your hair?), or I can craft up my own SUPER PAD by carefully overlapping two pads, end to end, so I'm protected from navel to the top of the crack.  Can't you guys just make these arm-length pads?  Please!  Please!  I'd be so happy to roll these magic carpets out onto my underpants, and not wake up with the big red dot on the top of my jammy pants, because I forgot and slept on my back for a while.

Yours truly,

karen somethingorother


  1. OK, firstly, no fuckin way am I am putting a frickin cup up my vagina. Are they on DRUGS!???

    Secondly, I am SOOOOOOO glad I discovered the perfect pill years ago, that mostly controls my INSANITY and CRAZY SERIAL KILLER NIAGARA FALLS events.

    I am totally the unltra-thin invisible you won't even know it's there girl and I'm forty frickin one. YEAH ME!

    In uterine solidarity, Sarah xxx

  2. Haven't you written like 18 posts on this?

    seriously, I had to change EVERYTHING about the human part of me to go into a store and buy my daughter feminine products. ugh.

  3. Karen, would you like for me to mail you a box of depends? haha

  4. i was about to write exactly what paula wrote. what you are describing is not a pad, it is an adult diaper. it would be perfect for you. you won't even need to buy the new undies then because you'll be able to wear these about 3 days a month & skip the usual underpants with pads.
    stop screaming about pads & tampons & buy a damn cup.

  5. I am with Sherilin, jukst go buy the cup!!

  6. HAHAHAHA I'm with Paula, depends you old woman you. Why not tampon and a pad or is that still not enough. I am definately not using the cup, nope.

  7. Sarah, you are wonderful. I'm glad your menstrual insanity has been reigned in.

    In uterine solidarity should be on a t-shirt.

  8. Lance, Lance, Lance. There are certain things I'm obsessed with: my bad hair, bad dj's and the hormonal state of myself and all the incumbrances therein. I have no choice but to take you and all my other beloveds down with the ship.

  9. but Sherilinnie, I don't WANT to wear depends!!!

    Okay, okay--but can you wear that cup thang at night???

  10. Alright, alright, Steph. I have issues with the maxipad mountain I'm contributing to anyway.

  11. Alaina, I've invented a paranoid theory over tampons; that if I continue to use them, they'll be like a STOPPER and force my period to last extra days.

    Completely based in science. Totally.



    AM I A FREAK?!?

    Damn. I'm a freak.

  13. Those little ultra-thins and pantiliners are for us menopausal women who are sympathyzing with you ('cause they remember those days) and then secretly laughing behind your back ('cause they don't have periods anymore) and then peeing a little bit whenever they laugh (or sneeze or cough or rub themselves the wrong way) -- HENCE the need for untra-thins!

  14. Thank you Sandy! I too pee a little at times when I'm nowhere near a washroom. So, I'd better stock up on those too then!

  15. first off i can relate because i too have the huge waves of ugh, but that little cup made me mad, i spent 40 bucks on it but it still leaked, so i had to wear a pad too.maybe there is some magic to this but really how hard can it be.well mother nature and all her spitefullness will give me a chance to try it out yet again, pray it works.
    remember those pads they give you in the hospital after chilbirth, those were about 2 feet long, i wonder where they get them,maybe a nurse or a midwife would be able to answer that burning question.

  16. Paula, I totally thought of those.

    Hey, maybe the diva cup doesn't work as well for STUPID AMOUNT OF FLOW girls???

    Sniff! At least Paula knows what I'm talking about!

  17. Let's not. Didn't even read the entry. Sorry. Not really.

  18. True, you did warn me and I should have turned away when I had the chance, but, I did read this and now, thanks to you, I can add Hoo-hoo and Gitch to my vocabulary. I'm actually praying that they don't come out in casual conversation.
    The weird thing is that probably by the time you stop talking about your periods, Claire will be of age and I'll be scouring your archives looking for advice.
    Seriously, I'll never understand you Broads!

  19. Mark, I gave you the perfect opportunity to escape, and what did you do: ran STRAIGHT into the burning building, hee hee.

    Okay, SORRY. I've officially killed everyone this time, which is a bit hilarious, but I'll shut up.

    Scour away, and I'll check out your link after I make a small girl some lunch.

  20. My first thought was the huge things that they gave out after child birth. And here they give you the rest of the pack to take home and I was like, what on earth am I going to do with these??

    That should be a post of its own, what the books don't tell you about childbirth. I still think of the hours afterward as the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

  21. Yeah, I've thought that too Lisa! I wonder why I haven't gotten around to writing that post...maybe I complain too much all the time about that stuff anyway. Well, I'm going to take your prompt and write that up soon I think.

    Yeah, those giant after baby pads. I was just wondering how many of us girls fondly recalled the 6 week period.

  22. "After Baby Pads"!?! What does that stork DO to you ladies!?!? No, wait. Don't even tell me.

  23. Umm... Karen? There are diapers for grown ups.... So there you are. Your dream has come true.

    P.S. Stop wanting the wings... they're terrible.. you ever have the wings "malfunction" and flip inside out? Yeah. Mondo uncomfortable.. and just TRY to unstick it while in public.

    Your Sister

  24. Matt, you are PUSHING me to do a horrifying post of all the things that aren't written in the sunshiny mommy-to-be book.

  25. Nerdo, you just made me laugh out loud. Flip inside out. Yeah, I know--sticks to all the hars. Been there, lived that.

  26. your sister's comment about the back flipping wings is funny! yes! when one turns the wrong way & latches onto something that it has no business grabbing, all crotchy awkwardness can break loose.
    and yes, i wear the cup at night. all day & all night from beginning to end. i've had tampons leak & i've had pads overflow, but i've never had my cup let me down yet. even at the pool or while sneezing.

  27. even at the pool, Sherilin! Holy sh*t....we've all just morphed into one big coffee-talk, feminine protection girlie girl commercial.

    Okay--I'm going to look for that thing. Can I wash it in the sink, and leave it on the dish rack to dry? :) :) :)

  28. Matt, the stork - he is evil. I think that's why children are tremendously beautiful when they are asleep, it makes you almost forget all the other stuff. ;)

  29. Lisa has an excellent point--children are completely forgivable while asleep.

  30. This is just a huge comedy fest from beginning to end.......

    Ok. so I would like one of those extra long noodles too.

    I don't have all the problems that some women (karen does).

    But how in hell would I get one of those dang CUPS INSIDE?

    They look huge. After baby # 2
    my doctor asked me if I wanted to use the diaphram for Birth control...I was like WHAT??? a What?? so he says I will measure you....I am like ...OK.

    So about 4 wks later it eyes must have fallen out of my head!!!!!!!
    That dam thing was as large as a mason jar lid!!!!!! what the eff??

    I took that thing home and threw it in my drawer...never touched it.

    9 months later I was preggers with # 3 after breast feeding intently non stop, so I could prolong a pregnancy.

    Dr. was not pleased with me.....

    so for a woman who has a phobia of gigantic plastic would you get that cup to fit...especially if a tampon falls out??? can't get those dang things to stay in at all......

    you all must be super womans!!

    Sorry matt, and other men this is probably more than you can bear!

  31. If the comments are any indication, I am EXTRA glad I didn't read the original post.

    And Lisa, when you said the stork was evil, I assume you were really referring to 'husband'.

  32. i think it's perfectly acceptable to wash it in the kitchen sink & leave it in the dish drainer if that's where you generally change & clean up your girlie parts. i mean, i haven't been to your house, so maybe you live in a one room cabin where the kitchen doubles as the bathroom, in which case, it's perfectly acceptable.
    melissa, it's a fold & cram situation. if a tampon falls out, you definitely need to use something bigger. it's not like the cup is made of concrete. it's flexible and hollow. we're all moms here (except matt & mark) so let's be honest, we've all had bigger, sturdier things up there... where is the problem?

  33. Melissa, when I buy the thing, I'll be sure to talk about it :) I have no idea right now, but I too was wondering about cup size. Oh well, a giant head came out of there, so there must be room.

  34. No Matt, it's MOTHER NATURE who is pure evil. Giving birth is heinous.


    I love her. Yes, I love Sherilin. That was the comment DU JOUR. That made me so happy.

    Oh the mental images it conjures up. How come I imagine the cup popping open inside with a SOUND EFFECT:


  36. oh yes, definitely a sproing when put in place correctly.
    you know you have a good post when people are still coming back to comment again when you've got 2 more posts written since that one.

  37. when you said giant head I was not thinking of a childs head....had to read it twice...

  38. yeah, and it's funny, Sherilin, because I thought I'd pushed everyone over the edge about LADY TIME with this one...I could hear the collective "ENOUGH ALREADY" scream.

    It won't keep me from further posts about menstruation of course...



  40. hahaha, melissa! she said head. (i think i'm chanelling beavis & butthead now)

  41. Yeah, that was freaking funny wasn't it! Re; head. Sigh. It does show a certain Beev and Butthead mentality on our parts for loving that though. I agree.

  42. You ladies are SOOO immature... ;)

  43. You are not alone and I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog. You literally make me laugh out loud! I've fwd'd some of your posts to friends and we bust a gut every time. Thanks for not only being honest, real and raw but doing so with some sort of sarcastic class that keeps me wanting more.


    1. Thank you so much, Corie. What a lovely compliment! What a nice thing to hear. I'm delighted that I have sarcastic class! That has made my day! I wish I could put that on a t-shirt actually.


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