|I wonder if my daughter still thinks this is a "happy banana"...|
Did you hear that? That's the sound of all my homeboys quietly clicking over to another website.
Wait! Don't go! You can join in the fun too!
Listen, you may or may not be interested, but my LADY TSUNAMI is almost done. WOO HOO! FREAKING WOOOOOO HOOOOO! I can sleep on my back again without fear that the river will run right between the mountains and onto my crisp white sheets! I can switch the dark brown towels to the white ones with flowers! Hooray! HOORAY!
Sorry, I'm getting a little carried away.
I'm tired of maxi pads. I know, I know--you smart girls have already tried the DIVA CUP, and you lurv it. I have yet to go hunting for this special cup, because I am a) burnt out, b) forgetful, and c) obsessed with spending my money on NEW SHIRTS. It would be a wise investment--this reusable lady equipment. It would also be wise to invest in more new underpants, because two pairs kind of disintegrated in the same week. I guess four years is a pretty long life for a pair of gitch.
Anyhoo, I need to compose a small letter:
You are a very well-known brand of maxi-pads. You also make something stupid and weird called "ultrathins" and "pantiliners": two things that I will never have any need for, but I'm guessing you make them for TEENS, who have not yet popped a baby out of their hoo-hoos, and their hormones didn't go completely berzerko yet, so their periods aren't RIDONCULOUS.
But I digress...
Your pads are so much better than the no-name, grocery store, super-pack, economy brand my beloved Mom used to buy. Those things were stupid. I might as well have rolled up a t-shirt and stuck that in my gitch, because that is what those old-skool pads felt like. They were bulky and never ever came with "wings" or "dri-weave", so they were only okay if you were only ever just sitting and not moving.
Also, as I just mentioned, you have something called dri-weave, which is much better than all the other pads, and as I've now had somewhere around 300 periods, I've come to NEED these fabulous little details, and even though I am a giant cheapskate in nearly all things in life, I no longer skimp on pads. But here's what I want to know:
DOES ANYONE MAKE A TWO-FOOT LONG PAD, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I WANT.
Yes, that is my dream: to find that somewhere out there, there is an ultra-thin, night-time absorbancy pad with all that dri-weave stuff and wings--big, long wings. I would only need it for about three nights a month. Am I the only girl in the world who wants this??!?! Am I???
Because as it stands now, I have two options: to sleep on one of the ugly towels at night (you know, the ones you save for when you colour your hair?), or I can craft up my own SUPER PAD by carefully overlapping two pads, end to end, so I'm protected from navel to the top of the crack. Can't you guys just make these arm-length pads? Please! Please! I'd be so happy to roll these magic carpets out onto my underpants, and not wake up with the big red dot on the top of my jammy pants, because I forgot and slept on my back for a while.