Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday Gobbledegook

flower pot!

Okay, first of all, do you ever have this raging fantasy that you just say whatever you want to people without censoring yourself all the time?  I have that fantasy.  Lately, the top guy on my list I'd like to be blunt with is the freaking crossing guard.

Oh the crossing guards.  How they do drive me mental.  I mean, we're talking months and months of inane conversations about the weather.

"Nice day today."

"Sure is."

"Have a good day."

"You too."


"Kinda chilly out this morning eh?"

"Yeah, but it's supposed to warm up."

"Oh, is it?"

"yup.  Then rain tomorrow."

"Have a nice day."

"You too."


"Hasn't started raining yet."

"I think it's going to blow over."

"Have a nice day."

"yup, you too."


Okay, but it's the GUY crossing guard on the opposite side of the street who is on my list right now, because honestly?  If he makes that joke about our sunglasses again, I might lose it.  So, I'll just clack up a fake letter instead:

Dear Man Guard,

You know that joke you've made about five times now--the one where you say; "I see everyone's got their 'JOE COOL' glasses on!" or, "Looks like everyone's got their JOE COOL glasses on today", or "here comes JOE COOL", and then you chuckle likes it's the first f*cking time you've ever made that joke?  Well, we GET IT.

Yes, we wear our sunglasses whether it's cloudy or sunny, okay?  It's not because we're SUPER COOL, it's because I'm 39 AND LOOK LIKE A BAG OF HELL IN THE MORNING.

with fond annoyance,


Damn I'm too tired today.

You know what else is sad?  The guy who is putting in new basement windows for us (F*CK OFF ANTS, TRY TO GET THROUGH THESE WINDOWS A$$HOLES), just shuffled in a few minutes ago and said; "can I use your washroom?"  So, now I'm wondering, in a sad, wilting way, if any of my gitch are lying on the bathroom floor, and how many bras are in there, or if anyone changed the toilet paper roll.

See, I clean the bathroom every day, but there are no promises it looks pretty after the morning headless chicken rush to get the boy off to school on time.


Furthermore, that guys been up there for more than a minute.  Thanks so much for the fab windows, and for taking a dump in MY bathroom.

Oh, but everyone, what I really wanted to talk about was this week's offering of SEARCH STATS.  When I log in to blogger here (for those of y'all who don't blog), there is a section from my homepage titled "Stats" and I can go in there and see how many page views I've had for the day, week, month, or ever.  I can also see what posts are catching people's eyes, and I to digress for a second here and say

Why isn't anyone looking at THIS POST?  It has WHISKY in it for crying out loud!  It's much more entertaining than a stupid post about flying ants, which, by the way, has had a ridiculous number of hits.  I have no idea why.

Anyhoo, here are the search terms that people used, and the number of people who used said search terms, in the past week that helped them find me, either on purpose or inadvertently:

* ow my angst - 15

* very ugly hairy lady - 5

* fisher price sesame street house - 4

* fuzzy hairy boys legs - 4

* the wiggles drawings - 4

* feel better funny - 3

* feel better soon funny - 3

* flowerpot in ass - 3

* karen somethingorother blogspot - 3

* barbie camper 1976 - 2

Okay, that's all fairly straight forward.  3 people found me by actually searching my blog url (which I myself can almost never remember. Perhaps it's time for a change).  A few people stumbled upon me thanks to this fantastic photo:

"While The Man Is Away"

Some peeps found my blog while trying to feel better through humour.  Aw!  That's magical!  Hopefully they didn't read some pms posts.  Those aren't too HA-HA HAPPY.

Some were looking for Wiggles Drawings, which is cool, because then they got to see some of my little guy's art.

And someone...

wait a minute.


flowerpot in ass.


Can someone help me with this?  It appears I may be completely out of touch with what's HIP nowadays.

I need a coffee.


  1. i am not sure what it means, but it sure sounds painful!

  2. I thought the crossing guard thing may refer to how they get a power rush about being able to stop traffic like on my normal route to work. My guy will hold up traffic on my side if he can see a bus a quarter mile down the road coming from the other way.
    Flower pot in the ass? Oh ya, I ended up on that website, on accident, once. I was looking for "window boxes in the ass" and it took me there by mistake.

  3. i have a distinct dislike of flowerpots in my ass. or anything else in my ass for that matter. even nice things like cookies and kittens cease to be nice things (at least in my mind) when one suggests putting it up the rumpus.

  4. indeed Paula. Now just imagine someone typing that.

  5. LOL, GEORGE! Well, it's an honest mistake. Keep searching for that other site.

    Oh, I could also mention about their power trips, and their weird dedication to their jobs, like when they almost panicked over me hanging out after school to let the kids play, warning me they leave at 10 to 4. I came SO close to feigning panic and shouting


    There's a crosswalk with a button. Plus, I'm all growed up.

  6. Sherilin, flower pot up the ass--it boggles me. It just boggles me. And I won't no comment on person preferences :)

  7. Why am I the only one without cool google search stats-wtf! The only cool one I have is something about onsie pajamas. I hate having stupid conversations with people over and over, you should wear a sombrero one morning just to confuse him.

  8. We have the same conversations every AM with our Resource officer. I really want to ask him how many times he's dusted off his gun in the elementary school...

    And flowerpot in ass--I got nothin. Weird, I KNOW!

  9. Remember Gibb??? Now that was one great crossing guard!

  10. "Flower pot in ass"??? You know what, I think I have a new fetish!

  11. to end the conversations about sunglasses, you need to wear wild hats...or better yet, bring your own hand-held stop signs and 'do it yourself'. That should end future conversations.

    Or maybe bring him one of your famous 'ass pots' as a token of appreciation.

    I'm full of useful soil today.

  12. I google "ow my angst" every time I link to you - if that helps.
    and I found a place we need to list your blog - except I lost it and have to find it again - damn. . .

  13. found it:

  14. Paula, give it time, and flap your yap enough and the ridiculous stats/search keywords will be YOURS!

    Yeah, I loathe inane conversations.

  15. Do it Lizbeth! DO IT! That would make for some great conversation.

    Yeah, I have no idea either. it's mystifying.

  16. Steph, are you being sarcastic, because Gibb or GILBERTA was nice at first, but completely hideous not long after.

    I'd like Matt to weigh-in on this. I heard Gibb tell a few kids that if they pushed the button on the crosswalk she'd break their arms (SHE was in charge of the button). Also, she'd get PISSED if she had to weight for Matt and I and a few other friends after school if we were a bit late. We were scared of her and waited at school until she was GONE if we'd been hanging around playing 4-square after for a bit.

  17. Ass pots! Matt, maybe you've come up with the way to make us rich: flower pots that say ASS on them. Or should they say; "do not place in ass". OKay, I'm losing it, but you are funny. I particularly like the idea of carrying my own stop sign.

  18. Oh Christina, you're a brainiac. You'll remember in time. I may have listed my blog there by the way--wherever there is--I've whored myself out fairly extensively!

  19. Oh! I didn't read your next comment yet with the link, Christina--I'd never heard of them. Well, there's more whoring to be done, people!

  20. Christina, I just nominated myself for their list. Is that lowest of the low or what? How about you though? You're awesome too.

  21. Hey Mark! Blogger put your comment in my SPAM bin! Hee hee hee! New fetish. Sheesh. It was YOU who googled that, wasn't it!

  22. are you kidding? Gibb used to scare the hell out of me!! First of all...I never really knew if she was a man or a woman...and tehy way she used freak out if you even THOUGHT about touching the button...and yes, if you were late after school..oh boy! Also, if youi were late in gettign to school..she would have a little fit adn lecture you about being on time...I do remember, she once gave your sister a big box of Barie shoes for Christmas.

  23. Oh, yeah. That crossing guard is the only one I can clearly remember. Also, any kids who went to 'the other side of the side street to cross' to avoid her, still received her rage. I remember that as we got older it was almost not an issue, because we either made an immediate bee-line to the grass field, or did the 4-square thing, or went to another friend's house, etc. I felt sorry for the younger children though, as they were terrified by her lectures. Maybe she truly cared for the children. Maybe she feared the crosswalk signal would 'automate' her out of a job. Ah, well.

    That reminds me: you should do a blog entry on the soon-to-be-appointed-olympic-event, Four Square! All the rules, strategies and dorky terms. Ah, the memories of glory wins and agonizing defeats.

  24. Oh, yes. Every pot should come with that warning, "WARNING: DO NOT PLACE IN ASS". Sales for this mature market product would go through the roof! Keep your asses clear when they do. (NOW, who's lost it??)

  25. i just had to google 'flower pot in ass ',and i think it has something to do with the video game 'assassins creed',maybe you you need the flower pot to win the game or something like that.anyhoo, our ideas about the infamous pot are much more interesting.

  26. Yeah Steph, that's Gibb alright. Hideous woman! Funny about the barbie shoes though...

  27. Matt: the crosswalk would automate her out of a job! Brilliant! Hilarious too.

    I can't remember all the rules of 4 square though! And I LOVED IT!

  28. Love the "warning" too, by the way. Maybe I'll start marketing mugs that say that on it as well. Whattaya think?

  29. Paula, how come you're the only one who bothered to figure out where the hell that search term might lead? Truly you are the better detective.

  30. I'd buy one of those...truly.

  31. it might not look so hot on a work desk though...but who cares, right?


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