As a parent, you have to become skilled at many things--not the least of which is....
Yes, that's right, children are cunning, clever little things, and they listen to EVERYTHING you don't want them to be listening to, even if they never hear you call them for their baths 500 times.
All parents do it. They have to, otherwise kids would be ruled by their own ridiculous, arbitrary rules and paranoia. For instance, when I was a kid, I thought that french fries sometimes tasted funny, and the funny tasting ones tasted gross because they had POTATOES IN THEM.
I have a distinct memory of sitting at the kitchen table, with a little paper sleeve of McDink's fries that I was finishing up, while my family watched Evil Knievel on TV. Sure enough I hit one of those yucky fries--you know--the ones that are all dry and suck the spit out of your mouth?
Me: "MOOOM! DO THESE FRIES HAVE POTATOES IN THEM??"
And then I happily resumed eating.
Sometimes parents lie for fun, like when my Dad told me (when he used to play amateur hockey) that he was "friends" with Lanny McDonald. So, one night when Dad and I were watching a hockey game, the camera was filming the Calgary Flames as they headed out onto the ice and I wondered dreamily if Lanny was thinking of his good buddy, my Dad, as he was about to hit the ice.
I had an argument with a kid in class about it even. You know, one of those DOES NOT--DOES TOO! kind of stupidities? So, when I got home from school I said; "Dad, you know Lanny McDonald, right?!" and he said; "sure--I see him on our TV all the time."
My father also conned me into believing that the windshield wipers on his car "sensed" rain on the windshield and automatically turned on. I believed that one for quite a while.
So recently, I was at the grocery store with my girlie, and we were buying this and that and I said that we'd better get some chicken. Her eyes got all wide and horrified and she asked;
Me: "nooooo...the chicken that you EAT. You know--the eating chicken. Not the animal chicken."
Yeah, whatever. There'll be plenty of years for her to ponder/agonize over eating creatures. So, I'm a wimp, OKAY?!?!
Oh, and then there's Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack, who will panic at the drop of a hat. Does anyone remember the back-peddling I did over that whole botched "gently explaining death" fiasco about my grandmother a couple of years ago? No? You know, the one in which Jack started to FREAK with visions of heads underground? Well, you can read about it HERE.
I think I lie to that kid more than anyone, because I JUST CAN'T TAKE THE PANIC, or deal with his un-contestable rules. Take this school year for instance: the second Labour Day ended, summer packed up and left, and the weather turned nearly immediately to CRAP. It's been chilly some days. Do you think I could convince the kid to wear pants? OH HEAVENS NO. After all, don't be stupid people: you don't wear pants in SUMMER.
One day the kid was freezing when he was playing outside with shorts, a t-shirt, no jacket, and no footwear. He came in the house and complained about how cold he was. So, I went upstairs and got him some track pants and a long sleeved shirt. He flat out REFUSED to wear the freaking pants.
"I WANT MY WINTER JACKET!" he insisted.
Me: "YOU CAN'T JUST WEAR YOUR WINTER JACKET WITH SHORTS. THAT'S STUPID. IF YOU'RE COLD, PUT ON SOME PANTS!"
And he was ANGRY with me, and a little disgusted too. All the while, he's been asking me if it's autumn yet. Nope, I say, because technically the season hadn't changed........until yesterday.
Jack: "is it AUTUMN, Mom?"
Me: "yup. It is. It's autumn."
Jack: "it is?"
Me: "Oh yes."
So, BINGO BANGO, this morning when he was about to get dressed he chose to wear PANTS. It was acceptable now, because IT'S AUTUMN in his world.
Oh, are you wondering where I got that stupid expression from? Well, there was this hilarious little video I saw on youtube a couple of years ago, and it still cracks me up. Ever since we watched it, my sister and I have been using that expression for bullsh*tty things that occur.
So, I'm leaving you with that video now, and I want you to tell me about all the little lies YOU tell.
Watch the video--pariticularly Michael Moore at the end--I almost cried when I watched it again this morning.