Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...


Monday, September 19, 2011

STRAWBERRY LIES!

As a parent, you have to become skilled at many things--not the least of which is....


LYING.



Yes, that's right, children are cunning, clever little things, and they listen to EVERYTHING you don't want them to be listening to, even if they never hear you call them for their baths 500 times.

All parents do it.  They have to, otherwise kids would be ruled by their own ridiculous, arbitrary rules and paranoia.  For instance, when I was a kid, I thought that french fries sometimes tasted funny, and the funny tasting ones tasted gross because they had POTATOES IN THEM.

I have a distinct memory of sitting at the kitchen table, with a little paper sleeve of McDink's fries that I was finishing up, while my family watched Evil Knievel on TV.   Sure enough I hit one of those yucky fries--you know--the ones that are all dry and suck the spit out of your mouth?


Me:  "MOOOM!  DO THESE FRIES HAVE POTATOES IN THEM??"

Mom:  "no."

And then I happily resumed eating.

Sometimes parents lie for fun, like when my Dad told me (when he used to play amateur hockey) that he was "friends" with Lanny McDonald.  So, one night when Dad and I were watching a hockey game, the camera was filming the Calgary Flames as they headed out onto the ice and I wondered dreamily if Lanny was thinking of his good buddy, my Dad, as he was about to hit the ice.

I had an argument with a kid in class about it even.  You know, one of those DOES NOT--DOES TOO!  kind of stupidities?  So, when I got home from school I said; "Dad, you know Lanny McDonald, right?!"  and he said; "sure--I see him on our TV all the time."

STRAWBERRY LIES.

My father also conned me into believing that the windshield wipers on his car "sensed" rain on the windshield and automatically turned on.  I believed that one for quite a while.

So recently, I was at the grocery store with my girlie, and we were buying this and that and I said that we'd better get some chicken.  Her eyes got all wide and horrified and she asked;

"like...the ANIMAL?!?"

Me:  "nooooo...the chicken that you EAT.  You know--the eating chicken.  Not the animal chicken."

Yeah, whatever.  There'll be plenty of years for her to ponder/agonize over eating creatures.  So, I'm a wimp, OKAY?!?!

Oh, and then there's Jack.  Jack, Jack, Jack, who will panic at the drop of a hat.  Does anyone remember the back-peddling I did over that whole botched "gently explaining death" fiasco about my grandmother a couple of years ago?  No?  You know, the one in which Jack started to FREAK with visions of heads underground? Well, you can read about it HERE.

I think I lie to that kid more than anyone, because I JUST CAN'T TAKE THE PANIC, or deal with his un-contestable rules.  Take this school year for instance:  the second Labour Day ended, summer packed up and left, and the weather turned nearly immediately to CRAP.  It's been chilly some days.  Do you think I could convince the kid to wear pants?  OH HEAVENS NO.  After all, don't be stupid people:  you don't wear pants in SUMMER.

One day the kid was freezing when he was playing outside with shorts, a t-shirt, no jacket, and no footwear.  He came in the house and complained about how cold he was.  So, I went upstairs and got him some track pants and a long sleeved shirt.  He flat out REFUSED to wear the freaking pants.

"I WANT MY WINTER JACKET!" he insisted.

Me:  "YOU CAN'T JUST WEAR YOUR WINTER JACKET WITH SHORTS.  THAT'S STUPID.  IF YOU'RE COLD, PUT ON SOME PANTS!"

And he was ANGRY with me, and a little disgusted too.  All the while, he's been asking me if it's autumn yet.  Nope, I say, because technically the season hadn't changed........until yesterday.

Jack:  "is it AUTUMN, Mom?"

Me:  "yup.  It is.  It's autumn."

Jack:  "it is?"

Me:  "Oh yes."

So, BINGO BANGO, this morning when he was about to get dressed he chose to wear PANTS.  It was acceptable now, because IT'S AUTUMN in his world.

heh heh..


STRAWBERRY LIES!

Oh, are you wondering where I got that stupid expression from?  Well, there was this hilarious little video I saw on youtube a couple of years ago, and it still cracks me up.  Ever since we watched it, my sister and I have been using that expression for bullsh*tty things that occur.

So, I'm leaving you with that video now, and I want you to tell me about all the little lies YOU tell.


Watch the video--pariticularly Michael Moore at the end--I almost cried when I watched it again this morning.







21 comments:

  1. Fred just asked me, "is this your second glass of wine?". I said "no". Shhhh.
    Love the vid!
    m.

    ReplyDelete
  2. gabriel asked how i always know when kids are up to something bad.well, i said when ladies are pregnant,they grow eyes on the back of their heads,so they always know what the kids are doing.i must have said it with a straight face,because i still think he believes it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i tell brooke that the line in the song "sex machine" is actually "socks machine."
    the video was funny. he said he was doing a poo. eew!

    ReplyDelete
  4. we go the otehr way in our house

    Our three girls think their parents lying is the worst thing in the world. We practice "careful brutal honesty". The teenager lives to catch my wife and I lying or almost lying. Then she infects her sister with such propganda, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like Lance's domestic life system.

    A word smith like myself always gets off the hook on a tecnicality or a nuance. Trouble is, my son has a strong talent for that as well. So, then, we are reduced to piercing through each other's well-prepared subtleties.

    Lurved the vid as well.

    Mark is hysterically funny.

    I wait for the day Paula tells the kids about the hidden eyes located elsewhere in the house. Wonderment and nightmares for days!

    And Karen, let's all sing, 'Strawberry Lies Forever!'

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like Lance's domestic life system.

    A word smith like myself always gets off the hook on a tecnicality or a nuance. Trouble is, my son has a strong talent for that as well. So, then, we are reduced to piercing through each other's well-prepared subtleties.

    Lurved the vid as well.

    Mark is hysterically funny.

    I wait for the day Paula tells the kids about the hidden eyes located elsewhere in the house. Wonderment and nightmares for days!

    And Karen, let's all sing, 'Strawberry Lies Forever!'

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh Mark, as I said on Twitter, I wish I'd been there enjoying that wine with you. We'd have had so many laughs.

    Glad the vid gave you a giggle.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hilarious Paula, but yet, so true. We also develop super-power ears because I can hear naughtiness from a million miles away.

    ReplyDelete
  9. SOCKS MACHINE! Oh Sherilin, that is so hilarious. No, I'm chuckling now, as I picture this socks machine of which you speak.

    Yeah, I like the Madonna part too, in which she reads her "poem".

    ReplyDelete
  10. oh Lance, the lying is absolutely NOT great, but yet, so fun.

    Hooray for family propaganda!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Matt, when I was posting that video, somehow I imagined you enjoying it most of all :)

    Eyes all over the house...wait, that's your Stephen King-esque book that you're going to have to write.

    I say STRAWBERRY LIES fairly frequently ever since seeing that video. Hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Maybe you're more courageous, Melissa. Or, maybe you don't have a kid whose a STICKLER for the small details, and heads off to school freezing in shorts just because the season hasn't changed on the calendar yet.

    No big lies though--that's just wrong. I also can't stand deceit and trickery in the interest of jokes and fun. No can do.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am not sure how I feel about prevarication. On the surface it seems like a good short term solution but I worry about the long term ramifications.

    The great Irish poet Yeats wrote a poem about this that I like called "The Coming of Wisdom with Time."

    http://www.bartleby.com/147/43.html

    ReplyDelete
  14. i forgot to mention that my child has those same kinds of self ruling issues. like a certain stuffed animal is only allowed to sleep in a certain place even if that's the one she really wishes were close to her hand. she can't let herself move it because then it won't be in the assigned position she arbitrarily gave it on another day. then she cries.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Sherilin--the rules! THE RULES! I think that's why we make crap up: so these kids can get some peace!

    ReplyDelete
  16. true Laoch, but what if kids tend to really worry about stupid little things???

    ReplyDelete
  17. I guess we all turn into our parents after all...I do the same things with E all of the time! I can't believe your dad let you think he knew that guy...that's some pretty hardcore trickery!

    ReplyDelete
  18. yeah, no kidding, Paula. My dad LURVS his fibs. The shame. Oh well, now I know it's a parental right, but I don't dig trickery, just damage controllery.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Love the video.

    Followed you here from your HILARIOUS comment at Sunny's.

    Died.laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  20. thank you Ms. Empress! What a lurvly thing to say :)

    ReplyDelete

I lurv comments. Thank you for the comments. They are scrumptious.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails