Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Your Annoying Food Issues Are Annoying

You know what really wedges my gitch?  PICKY EATERS.  No, I'm not talking about you over there not liking cooked carrots, or if you're really not a fan of that stupid-ass Weetabix cereal my husband likes--

Oh, you don't have Weetabix? Well, let me just sum it up for you: it's this stupid, bullsh*t cereal that turns into mushy wheat pulp the SECOND milk touches it, so the only way to enjoy it is to either eat it dry, with a glass of milk on the side, or by tipping the cereal bowl up at an 80 degree angle so the milk stays away from it until you're ready to scoop the two up together.

Stupid cereal.

No, I'm talking about the HARD CORE PICKY EATERS. You know who you are out there. I don't care how lovely a person you are--when it comes to food, you are ANNOYING. If you go to a lavish Chinese buffet, and can HARDLY find anything to eat: nobody wants to invite you along. Ditto for any other restaurant. If you can only eat certain foods prepared in the exact same, certain way--you are ANNOYING. If you get all nervous when you know your restaurant pork chops come with apple sauce, and you're all nervous about "what's in the applesauce," you are annoying. Because, who's nervous about applesauce for crap's sake???

First, I will turn the lens on myself. What don't I like?

Things I don't really like:

1. Meatloaf.

Come to think of it--he's a little hard to take too
made lovingly by your mom--now with extra SUCK baked right in!

What a sucky, stupid loaf, all chewy and onion-y. I don't care how much ketchup you put on it, the traditional meat loaf does NOT turn my crank. I am THIS CLOSE to perfecting a mushroom meatloaf that is so delicious it will make you hold me, caress me, and tell me that I was right about that OTHER meatloaf. What was worse than meatloaf though? The next day's MEATLOAF SANDWICH. My mother foisted that one on me a few times until I was FORCED to protest.


I CAN eat meatloaf, and I don't hate it. It's just not on my list of loves.

2. Pork. I don't hate pork. I think a pulled-pork sandwich is the SHIZNIT. I enjoy sausage, as long as it doesn't have those unchewable rolly white things. And for the record, what the hell are those things? The BALL of BALL AND SOCKET joint fame?!? A ball of some sort of cartilage horror? My god, I swear that if more women were in charge of making sausage, you'd never be happily chomping away and suddenly bite down on "the hard thing."

Okay, so what's my problem with pork? It's simple: once on my way back to my home in suburban hell, I took a different off-ramp from the highway, to take a nicer, more country-ish drive. Waiting at the stop light beside me was a giant truck FILLED with large, live pigs. What caught my attention was the quiet, whistling sigh that came from the truck; from one of the pigs. Then, the next day, my boss at my job then confirmed that the RENDERING PLANT was JUST around the corner from that stop light.


That freaked my sh*t out.  Ergo, I hardly ever buy pork.

3. broccoli and other super green CHLOROPHYLL CHOKED vegetables.  Gross.  Someone help me and tell me how the hell I'm suposed to cook kale or collard greens so that they're STILL healthy, but don't taste gross.  That being said, I eat broccoli--OFTEN.

Satan's snacks.  Why not try some rapini for an extra bitter, revolting treat?

4. I can't seem to eat a baked sweet potato anymore since being pregnant with the daughter. You know: like when you poke some fork holes into the skin, and toss the whole potato in the oven to bake it, then slice it open and dig in? I have to cut that thing up before I roast it now, lest the stringy texture inspire the need to gag.

5. No organ meats or flukey meats with flackers.  This is my pickiest thing:    I will not try tripe, tongue, kidneys, livers, eyeballs, testicles, stomachs with porridge horrors steamed inside or basically anything that had any important bodily fluids (aside from blood--HA--you thought you got me on that one!) flowing through it. 

Just think:  someone saw this at the grocery store and thought; "I know what I'm havin' for dinner tonight!"

And by flukey meats with flackers, I mean things that are more fatty glooby picky bits than they are actual meat:  ie; RIBS.  I'll eat ribs, but, not a big fan.  Flackers, fyi, are unidentifiable meat bits. 

Okay, so that's ME.  We ate all kinds of different foods growing up.  We liked pickles with our beef and gravy on noodles.  We liked Grandma's Polish potato soup with sour cream and dill, cabbage rolls, Italian food, Chinese food, etc, etc, etc--we were not very picky. 

* I have a cousin who was so picky, he/she only ate beef with noodles and gravy for years and years for dinner.  We'd be eating Christmas dinner, with a million side dishes besides turkey--she/he'd be eating beef with noodles and gravy.  Wouldn't try any other foods.  His/her mother was constantly stewing beef. 

* The Man won't eat condiments.  No condiments.  Zero condiments.  He won't eat anything with that zippy, zingy flavour.  So, whenever I force him to eat a salad, what does he put on it?  SALT.  And that is STOOPID.  He is so revolted by ketchup that if there's a lot left on a plate, he can't even wash it without nearly gagging.  If he goes to McDick's, and the super bored teens accidentally put condiments on his quarter pounder, he can't even eat it.  It becomes garbage.  What does he put on his burger?  SALT.  He finds dill pickles revolting--can barely even stand the smell.

I made a DELICIOUS blue cheese broccoli and cauliflower salad (based on this amazing blue cheese coleslaw recipe I found
HERE), and he would NOT even try it, even though I insisted that it made raw broccoli and cauliflower transform from DISGUSTING to DELICIOUS.  I pleaded with him, and reminded him that he likes blue cheese.  Nothing doing. 

He will never eat a potato salad no matter how amazing it is.  He'll eat a green salad...grudgingly. 


* My brother in law TAKES THE CAKE.  If he thinks there are onions anywhere in the food he eats, he will NOT touch it.  Actually, let's just say that he hates all healthy food, and luckily one day WHITE MET BREAD, so he didn't have to starve to death.  That's right!  I'M TALKING TO YOU, NORKIE!  I've joked with him that he is the poster child for BAD HEALTH, and it only made him happy.  Perhaps my sister will weigh-in on this in the comments section.

* Don't get me started about my son.

*  Ella?  Oh, for a kid who LURVS food, making dinner for her is no treat.  No stirfries.  No pasta with vegetables in it.  No cooked red/green/yellow/orange peppers.  If I cook carrots, they have to be steamed in a little water--never roasted.  No fancy pastas with mushroom sauces.  No mushrooms.  Mushrooms must be picked off pizza.  Peppers must be picked off pizza.  No green flecks of any kind in meals.  Refused to even TRY gravy until last week.  Not a fan of stewed beef.  Not a fan of oniony foods.  Does not like blueberries.  Likes dessert but won't eat anything with pastry.  Will only eat a salad if it is VERY crisp.  Thinks tomatoes are so disgusting she couldn't believe how terrible the little sweet tomato she tried from my plant was one day.

Thus, I will still indulge in the odd stir-fry, which I love, but I know this means Ella will NOT eat it.  

You can serve me just about anything--except for those organs.  I'd prefer if you didn't take the brussels sprouts and BOIL THEM, because they're gross like that, but otherwise, I'm pretty easy to please. 

So tell me:  who's the pickiest eater you know?  Is it YOU or someone else?



  1. I eat everything but green pepper and coconut.

    I live with 4 picky eaters. They behave in restaurants but at home I want to choke them out.

  2. CHOKE THEM OUT! LOVE IT! LOVE IT! no coconut Lance? Coconut can be DOPE

  3. i'm a vegetarian, so i guess i'm pretty annoying to some people. it's odd how many people seem to have strong, negative feelings about vegetarians. as if my decision to refrain from eating meat is a personal affront to them. i don't give a damn if they eat it, i just don't want it in my own mouth.

  4. Wow, I hate to say it but your family would starve at my home. My kids have to eat what we are having for dinner, they do not have to finish, but try.

    As a kid we were forced to eat what ever was on our plate whether we liked it or not. I can still remember trying not to gage while gulping down milk while eating stewed tomatoes. BLeah.....Even if I had friends over they had to eat whatever was for dinner. They learned to ask what was for dinner before staying.

    I am not realy that picky, I do not like turnips, rutabega, tomatoes and bananas and that is about it.

  5. wow you just made my family look like food loving garbage cans!

    no organ meats for me...NEVER!

  6. Sherilin, maybe your vegetarianism TUGS at their consciences?? I don't have a problem with someone who doesn't eat meat--I applaud their fortitude!

  7. Alaina, what happens when I make a stirfry is Ella eats very little. I suppose I give in a little too often and just make less and less of the meals I like because I don't feel like having the fuss, because I get FRIGGING frustrated when I make a nice meal and she eats a few unenthused bites and says "all done" That being said, she's a joy to feed at lunch!

    Yeah, cooked cauliflower made me gag as a kid.

  8. my inlaws are English so they've eaten ALL the heinous organ meats

  9. My son and daughter combined. One will only eat chocolate cake the other will only eat vanilla. God forbid I get a swirl cake because they are TOUCHING. My son takes it though. All I can say is thank God for multivitamins and Boost chocolate with extra protein.

  10. I had a friend in high school who could not let food touch. If any of her food touched she could not eat it.
    My son tries to be picky but I only offer one alternative of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at dinner time unless I know it is something they just really don't like. Most times they will at least try the food I provide at meal times.

  11. Paula and I agree. Sweet relish should be banned. It tricks dill lovers everywhere.

  12. there are somethings that are not just gross, but they sound even grosser, ie]blood pudding, mock chicken loaf, head cheese,jeez, if you are going to try to pass that crap off as food, why not give it a better more yummy name!?

  13. Interestingly there is now some research that extreme pickiness is often related to genetic taster receptors: food for thought.

  14. I eat anything except for rabbit. (Sad childhood story) I'm not fond of eggplant but will eat it. Anything! Especially if someone else cooks it!

    (PS - I adore meatloaf. Happy childhood story.)

  15. Lizbeth: WORD, WOMAN, re; boost protein shakes! I get the no-name brand of chocolate protein shake from the drug store from time to time, as Jack prefers it to the name brand slightly. Let me guess: your son prefers chocolate? Boys often seem to prefer choc over vanilla. Someone needs to do a study into this...

  16. Jackie: GROAN...not the food touching other food issue! GAH, I can't stand that one.

    I also try to enforce the "you don't have to like it, but you have to try it" thingy with my daughter.

    Thanks for weighing in!

  17. On that note, Matt, sweet pickles should also disappear. Gross. How many times have I been sucked in by a tiny pickle on the crudité platter, assume it was a baby dill, only to find that it was a SWEET PICKLE.

    Blech. Add those to my list.

  18. Paula, all of those putrid-sounding foods you've mentioned have been consumed by Jon and my inlaws. Jon bought some blood pudding once, and was frying it up in the pan, and it both looked disgusting and smelled even worse.

    Oh, and head cheese? They call it "brawn" and sweat it is delicious melted on "chips" (fries). My mother in law has memories of her brother bringing the sheep head back from the abattoir where he worked, and their mom boiled the crap out of it until it fell apart, and all the sludge and gunk that floated off became the delicasy they melted on fries.


  19. indeed, Laoch. My son has such a heightened sense of smell that there's no way he can even try certain foods. He's especially revolted by roasted chicken.

    I had read at some point that there are people who are especially sensitive to the bitterness quotient of vegetables. To most people broccoli is good or just mildly offensive, but to these people, the bitter aspect is so strong as to render it inedible.

  20. Sandy, I would think most people consider meatloaf a comfort food--I just never lurved it.

    Yeah, I won't eat anything I've had as a pet. This includes rabbits, ducks and geese (and cats, dogs, budgies and guppies, haw haw)

    My mother in law swears rabbit is just delicious. I say; DON'T WE EAT ENOUGH CREATURES?!?

  21. you know: a lot of people who were FORCED to clean their plates and eat what was put in front of them have been turned into picky eaters as adults.

    Anyone want to discuss?

  22. Wow - this is a tricky one - but screw it - here goes:
    my son is the pickiest eater I know - carbs and fried: yes. healthy and green is a show down.
    Me: I stopped eating flesh at 14 - ew.
    One of our family members (I will spare them the embarrassment of internet recognition): loves and loves costly high end foods - very picky about quality, who cooked it etc. - that can be very annoying!
    My CAT: only likes two kinds of cat food - it sucks when the store is out - for her, of course. So now I buy everything they have right when it comes in, then I make it until the truck rolls up.

  23. that's cool that you're a vegetarian, Chrstina. Are your boys? It's funny how most kids do NOT prefer healthy food. I wonder why that is...

    well, maybe most of us would choose the junk first, but that gets old quite fast.

  24. I was a VERY picky eater. I dont hwo my parents put up with me. Teh rule was I had to finish everythign on my plate adn I never did. I would sit at teh tabel for hours and hours and watch teh food shrival away. Yuck!
    I dotn even remember what it is taht I liked. Oh, I was awful. This went on until i moved in with some friends. We didnt have alot money so we got creative with what we ate. I got even better with my eatting habits when i got married and a mom. Oh there are still things that I will not touch. But atleast I can go otu for dinner adn not have to worry about what I am going to like.
    I think becoming a mom really Ben was a pretty picky I had to change. after 3/4 years of the kids living off of crap...he now eats a wide range of stuff! Yay for him! My daughter = not pickky at all.
    My parents made me sit at teh table until I was finished everything...did this shape my eating habits now? I am not sure. I can say that I will eat most things, or atleast try it.


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