Wednesday, October 12, 2011
20 CHEESIEST Songs Ever
Okay, so we've talked about music before. I ranted about my top 20 most loathed songs of all time, my MOST HATED Christmas songs, and then I decided to stop bitching, and balance things out with some actual songs I lurv. Oh yeah....and then there were those 10 songs I'm ashamed to admit I like...heh heh...but we'll just keep those a secret.
And that was wicked good fun, because you guys had so many great songs to add to my lists, and you had a lot to say about the songs that I chose, whether you agreed or disagreed, or were sad that I thought Dr. Feelgood is a stupid song.
Lately though, I've been thinking about CHEESY songs, and how CHEESE transcends BAD in a way that nothing quite can. When I think of the word "cheesy" in relation to music, I either think of something that is just beyond lame, or so dripping in sickening, sugary crap that it actually makes you CRINGE to listen to it, or it makes you feel like screaming
SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY!!!! THIS SONG IS A HIT? PEOPLE LIKE THIS SONG!?!
Let's face it--there is a LOT of bad music out there (Bon Jovi), but only very special songs get to be CHEESY.
So, here are the songs that pop right into my head when I think of CHEESY, CHEESY music. Some of them are quite outdated, but if you're stuck with my brain, they'll pop up on your mental playlist just the same.
20. Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition
Sure, reach your hand into the BOY BAND BAG to find a cheesy song and it is EASY PICKIN'S my friends. What's that expression about shooting fish in a barrel...
Anyhoo, blech. This is some horrible, sappy synthesizer ballad about an idiot who can't figure out that "his baby" won't answer the phone when he calls. Hello! A) you're hideous, B) that strange pre-pube voice makes me want to hurl, and C) HELLO, REPETITIVE!
19. My Endless Love by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie
Okay, you be Lionel and I'll be Diana, and we'll make love to each other with our words.
18. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by Air Supply
Heh? Heh? Am I RIGHT OR WHAT??!!
Sigh. I have so much to say about this song. I could have done an entire post on just this song. Remember how popular Air Supply was, even though neither guy was hot? Oh, but that's shallow. Please, I beg you, please check out THE LYRICS sometime, won't you? It's so over the top with sap that I think a few of my teeth just fell out. Plus, I have to put this song in the category of any song that uses the words MAKING LOVE in it, because seriously those words are so terrible, they're worse than the C-U-Next-Tuesday word.
17. Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum
I was thinking about this the other day and it dawned on me that any band that only makes super sucky wedding type ballads is totally weinie weinerville. I mean--and yes, this is a tad sexist--it seems forgivable for a woman to pen slurpy love gushers, but what's with the dude??? Doesn't he ever want to pick up a guitar and crank out some IRON MAN instead? I know how they came to be though: "hey, you know those lame songs chicks want to dance to at their weddings? Let's make those songs! We'll be RICH!"
16. Kenny G.
F*ck you. I don't care if he's not a song. He's a terrible offender. So is his good friend Michael Bolton come to think of it. I could easily have put "Saxophone" in his place too, because it's always cheesy. NO, don't bother trying to argue with me. It's always cheesy. NO? You don't think so? Yeah, well, look at this guy:
"Sax Man" Come on. Just CLICK ON IT. It wouldn't let me embed it.
(holy shit...I thought that guy had no pants on for a second. Anyhoo...)
15. Let's Wait a While by Janet Jackson
Okay, I applaud the message, or whatever, but this candyfloss plea to not get their bone on just yet (because it will spoil their perfect love!) just makes me want to kark. Couldn't she have just written him a letter and spared us the agony?
I'm in agony.
14. Careless Whisper by George Michael
Wait...was this a George Michael song, or a Wham thing? Enh, who cares.
Hey kids, there's that SAXOPHONE again! Listen, you're angry at me right now, because you LIKED that song. I liked that song. We all liked that song--that putrid, whiny, fist clenching, cheese-tacular waa waa about cheating on his good friend. Weren't you relieved when George Michael could finally just be gay? I was. Wait, that doesn't really have anything to do with the song...
13. From This Moment by Shania Twain
Admit it. You danced to this song at your wedding didn't you? You thought it signaled the beginning of your MAGICAL NEW LIFE TOGETHER. Never mind about the times he/she got on your nerves BEFORE this moment, FROM THIS MOMENT ON is when you'll really be in LURV.
Oh god! I hate these songs that are crafted SPECIFICALLY for weddings in the same way I hate that Disney makes decor for baby rooms. THINK OUTSIDE OF THE FREAKING BOX, PEOPLE, AND for crap's sake, avoid contrived shmaltz like this.
12. Bed Of Roses by Bon Jovi
How melodramatic can you get? Answer: Bed Of Roses by Bon Jovi. I have to have them on my list. They are the biggest music offenders of all time. Yes, I said it.
Wait...did he just sing: "with an ironclad fist, I wake up and french kiss the morning"???
Do you know what HAUNTS ME though? I know ALL THE LYRICS to the chorus. It's SO over the top, SO RIDICULOUS, so completely preposterous ...sweet mother of gorgonzola, I can't continue.
11. Tammy by Debbie Reynolds
Okay Music aficionados: who recalls this saccharine SICKENING, SIMPERING little ditty? Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in LOVE! BORK!! Well, if you feel like a gag, give it a listen. It will fill your world with hearts and rainbows. If not, skip to number 10.
10. Precious and Few by Climax
Oh, the 70's was a lovely era for sappy, cheesy, revolting, cringe-worthy music. First of all: Climax? Retarded. The word "precious" is never cool in a song. I hardly have anything else to say. The song has done the work for me, and suddenly I'm craving a sandwich...
9. I Want to Make It With You by Bread
Hey, all you 80's haters out there, stick around for a bit and see just how cheesy 70's music could be. "I want to MAKE IT with you?" SERIOUSLY?!? Hating it! HATING IT! When he says he wants to MAKE IT with her, does he mean he wants to make a relationship work, or he wants to GET IT ON with her, as the expression "making it" with someone used to mean???
HELP! Help! SOMEONE PLEASE!
8. All By Myself by Eric Carmen
Dear Mr. Carmen, if you weren't actually lacking in balls, why did you write such a whiny, weinie song? Somehow it was a bit better when Celine screeched it out, because we girls are often pining for a man. We just are. Because we're girls. But you sir need to grow some nuts and go out and have a beer.
7. My Woman, My Woman, My Wife by Marty Robbins
OH MY LORD, I don't believe it. I've just killed two birds with one stone with this particular youtube version of the song: I've posted a song that I've always thought was PURE CHEESE, and I've appealed to my sister's obsessive love for LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE, because someone out there thinks that this is what Charles would have sung to Caroline.
I'm so happy right now. Enjoy, SISTER MINE, enjoy.
6. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I would like to be. Oh, I could fly higher than an eagle for YOU are the wind beneath my wings.
Yeah, you're convinced now too. I don't care if you also cried when you saw Beaches. Repeat after me: "CHEESE, CHEESE, CHEESE.
5. From A Distance - Bette Midler
Ooo! Looky who gets to be a double offender on my list! Who knew? I have nothing against Bette Midler. I'd even do "The Rose" for drunk karaoke, but this song? This YACKER?!? Horrid.
By the time she gets to the part where she just chants GOD IS WATCHING US, GOD IS WATCHING US GOD IS WATCHING US FROM A DISTANCE, I am literally rolling around on the floor in agony, begging whatever deity who will listen to just make it stop. No, this is not an anti-god statement. It's an anti CHEESE protest!
4. Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman by Britney Spears
What exactly is she whining about in this song--that she's not allowed to wear that slutty flesh-coloured body suit thing yet, or that she can't help it when she forgets to put her gitch on?
Cheese, cheese, cheese.
3. Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears
Did you realise that this is a song made up of CHEESY one liners? Like, ohmygod that's lame! "If I said I want your body now would you hold it against me" and "you feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight"....ah hell naw. Shouldn't she be singing this with some novelty eyebrows waggling, while holding a big novelty cigar? What, you don't get the Groucho reference? I'm that old?
This is one of those songs that I thought; THIS SONG IS POPULAR?!?! HOW?!?!?!
2. The Edge Of Glory by Lady Gaga
Big hit, right? Super popular, right? Stuck in your head for weeks, yes? Even my 3 year old niece was singing it for days. Now, let's all have the cajones to admit it:
CHEESE. PURE UNADULTERATED CHEESE.
Yeah, I'm not afraid to say it, even if it pains me to put Lady G. on my list. I mean, come on...remember when "Just Dance" came out and we were all this song is right on, and then "Love Game" came out and we were all HELLZ YEAH and then this super lame cheeseburger dropped and we were like WHAAA... because, these lyrics?
"I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hangin' on a moment with you."
Cue broken-hearted tears on my part.
This leaves me with one more song. In my mind, and in my heart, I feel it is perhaps THE CHEESIEST SONG OF ALL TIME. Let me know what you think, dear hearts. I know you won't mistake the cheese in this one.
1. YOU'LL HAVE TO CLICK THE LINK
Irrefutable, wouldn't you say? Irrefutable cheese.
Now, the part I've been longing for: YOUR CHEESY SONGS! Don't disappoint me people, we have much love to share!