Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

20 CHEESIEST Songs Ever

Okay, so we've talked about music before.  I ranted about my top 20 most loathed songs of all time, my MOST HATED Christmas songs, and then I decided to stop bitching, and balance things out with some actual songs I lurv.  Oh yeah....and then there were those 10 songs I'm ashamed to admit I like...heh heh...but we'll just keep those a secret.

And that was wicked good fun, because you guys had so many great songs to add to my lists, and you had a lot to say about the songs that I chose, whether you agreed or disagreed, or were sad that I thought Dr. Feelgood is a stupid song.

Lately though, I've been thinking about CHEESY songs, and how CHEESE transcends BAD in a way that nothing quite can.  When I think of the word "cheesy" in relation to music, I either think of something that is just beyond lame, or so dripping in sickening, sugary crap that it actually makes you CRINGE to listen to it, or it makes you feel like screaming


Let's face it--there is a LOT of bad music out there (Bon Jovi), but only very special songs get to be CHEESY.

So, here are the songs that pop right into my head when I think of CHEESY, CHEESY music.  Some of them are quite outdated, but if you're stuck with my brain, they'll pop up on your mental playlist just the same.

20.  Mr. Telephone Man by New Edition 

Sure, reach your hand into the BOY BAND BAG to find a cheesy song and it is EASY PICKIN'S my friends.  What's that expression about shooting fish in a barrel...

Anyhoo, blech.  This is some horrible, sappy synthesizer ballad about an idiot who can't figure out that "his baby" won't answer the phone when he calls.  Hello!  A) you're hideous, B) that strange pre-pube voice makes me want to hurl, and C) HELLO, REPETITIVE!

19. My Endless Love by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie

Okay, you be Lionel and I'll be Diana, and we'll make love to each other with our words.


18. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by Air Supply

Heh?  Heh?  Am I RIGHT OR WHAT??!!

Sigh.  I have so much to say about this song.  I could have done an entire post on just this song.  Remember how popular Air Supply was, even though neither guy was hot?  Oh, but that's shallow.  Please, I beg you, please check out THE LYRICS sometime, won't you?  It's so over the top with sap that I think a few of my teeth just fell out. Plus, I have to put this song in the category of any song that uses the words MAKING LOVE in it, because seriously those words are so terrible, they're worse than the C-U-Next-Tuesday word.

17.  Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum

I was thinking about this the other day and it dawned on me that any band that only makes super sucky wedding type ballads is totally weinie weinerville.  I mean--and yes, this is a tad sexist--it seems forgivable for a woman to pen slurpy love gushers, but what's with the dude???  Doesn't he ever want to pick up a guitar and crank out some IRON MAN instead?  I know how they came to be though:  "hey, you know those lame songs chicks want to dance to at their weddings?  Let's make those songs!  We'll be RICH!"

16. Kenny G.

F*ck you.  I don't care if he's not a song.  He's a terrible offender.  So is his good friend Michael Bolton come to think of it.  I could easily have put "Saxophone" in his place too, because it's always cheesy.  NO, don't bother trying to argue with me.  It's always cheesy.  NO?  You don't think so?  Yeah, well, look at this guy:

"Sax Man"  Come on.  Just CLICK ON IT.  It wouldn't let me embed it.

(holy shit...I thought that guy had no pants on for a second.  Anyhoo...)

15. Let's Wait a While by Janet Jackson

Okay, I applaud the message, or whatever, but this candyfloss plea to not get their bone on just yet (because it will spoil their perfect love!) just makes me want to kark.  Couldn't she have just written him a letter and spared us the agony?

I'm in agony.

14. Careless Whisper by George Michael

Wait...was this a George Michael song, or a Wham thing?  Enh, who cares.

Hey kids, there's that SAXOPHONE again!  Listen, you're angry at me right now, because you LIKED that song.  I liked that song.  We all liked that song--that putrid, whiny, fist clenching, cheese-tacular waa waa about cheating on his good friend.  Weren't you relieved when George Michael could finally just be gay?  I was.  Wait, that doesn't really have anything to do with the song...

13. From This Moment by Shania Twain

Admit it.  You danced to this song at your wedding didn't you?  You thought it signaled the beginning of your MAGICAL NEW LIFE TOGETHER.  Never mind about the times he/she got on your nerves BEFORE this moment, FROM THIS MOMENT ON is when you'll really be in LURV.

Oh god!  I hate these songs that are crafted SPECIFICALLY for weddings in the same way I hate that Disney makes decor for baby rooms.  THINK OUTSIDE OF THE FREAKING BOX, PEOPLE, AND for crap's sake, avoid contrived shmaltz like this.

12. Bed Of Roses by Bon Jovi

How melodramatic can you get?  Answer:  Bed Of Roses by Bon Jovi.  I have to have them on my list.  They are the biggest music offenders of all time.  Yes, I said it.

Wait...did he just sing:  "with an ironclad fist, I wake up and french kiss the morning"???

Do you know what HAUNTS ME though?  I know ALL THE LYRICS to the chorus.  It's SO over the top, SO RIDICULOUS, so completely preposterous ...sweet mother of gorgonzola, I can't continue.

11. Tammy by Debbie Reynolds

Okay Music aficionados:  who recalls this saccharine SICKENING, SIMPERING little ditty?  Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in LOVE!  BORK!! Well, if you feel like a gag, give it a listen. It will fill your world with hearts and rainbows.  If not, skip to number 10.

10. Precious and Few by Climax

Oh, the 70's was a lovely era for sappy, cheesy, revolting, cringe-worthy music.  First of all:  Climax?  Retarded.  The word "precious" is never cool in a song. I hardly have anything else to say.  The song has done the work for me, and suddenly I'm craving a sandwich...

9. I Want to Make It With You by Bread

Hey, all you 80's haters out there, stick around for a bit and see just how cheesy 70's music could be.  "I want to MAKE IT with you?"  SERIOUSLY?!?  Hating it! HATING IT!  When he says he wants to MAKE IT with her, does he mean he wants to make a relationship work, or he wants to GET IT ON with her, as the expression "making it" with someone used to mean???


8. All By Myself by Eric Carmen

Dear Mr. Carmen, if you weren't actually lacking in balls, why did you write such a whiny, weinie song?  Somehow it was a bit better when Celine screeched it out, because we girls are often pining for a man.  We just are.  Because we're girls.  But you sir need to grow some nuts and go out and have a beer.

7. My Woman, My Woman, My Wife by Marty Robbins

OH MY LORD, I don't believe it.  I've just killed two birds with one stone with this particular youtube version of the song:  I've posted a song that I've always thought was PURE CHEESE, and I've appealed to my sister's obsessive love for LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE, because someone out there thinks that this is what Charles would have sung to Caroline.

I'm so happy right now.  Enjoy, SISTER MINE, enjoy.

6. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler

Did you ever know that you're my hero?  You're everything I would like to be.  Oh, I could fly higher than an eagle for YOU are the wind beneath my wings.

Yeah, you're convinced now too. I don't care if you also cried when you saw Beaches.  Repeat after me:  "CHEESE, CHEESE, CHEESE.

5. From A Distance - Bette Midler

Ooo!  Looky who gets to be a double offender on my list!  Who knew?  I have nothing against Bette Midler.  I'd even do "The Rose" for drunk karaoke, but this song?  This YACKER?!?   Horrid.

By the time she gets to the part where she just chants GOD IS WATCHING US, GOD IS WATCHING US GOD IS WATCHING US FROM A DISTANCE, I am literally rolling around on the floor in agony, begging whatever deity who will listen to just make it stop.  No, this is not an anti-god statement.  It's an anti CHEESE protest!

4. Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman by Britney Spears

What exactly is she whining about in this song--that she's not allowed to wear that slutty flesh-coloured body suit thing yet, or that she can't help it when she forgets to put her gitch on?

Cheese, cheese, cheese.

3. Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears

Did you realise that this is a song made up of CHEESY one liners?  Like, ohmygod that's lame!  "If I said I want your body now would you hold it against me" and "you feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight"....ah hell naw.  Shouldn't she be singing this with some novelty eyebrows waggling, while holding a big novelty cigar?  What, you don't get the Groucho reference?  I'm that old?

This is one of those songs that I thought; THIS SONG IS POPULAR?!?!  HOW?!?!?!

2. The Edge Of Glory by Lady Gaga

Big hit, right?  Super popular, right?  Stuck in your head for weeks, yes?  Even my 3 year old niece was singing it for days.  Now, let's all have the cajones to admit it:


Yeah, I'm not afraid to say it, even if it pains me to put Lady G. on my list.  I mean, come on...remember when "Just Dance" came out and we were all this song is right on, and then "Love Game" came out and we were all HELLZ YEAH and then this super lame cheeseburger dropped and we were like WHAAA... because, these lyrics?

"I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hangin' on a moment with you."

Cue saxophone.

Cue broken-hearted tears on my part.

This leaves me with one more song.  In my mind, and in my heart, I feel it is perhaps THE CHEESIEST SONG OF ALL TIME. Let me know what you think, dear hearts.  I know you won't mistake the cheese in this one.


Irrefutable, wouldn't you say?  Irrefutable cheese.

Now, the part I've been longing for:  YOUR CHEESY SONGS!  Don't disappoint me people, we have much love to share!


  1. Dr.Feelgood Rocks!
    okay that being said...
    I am craving a glass of wine...too bad I am at work. That would be frowned upon.
    for the wedding song was "Without You" yes, Motley Crue. I would have none of that "from this moment" crap played.

  2. Oh this is great Karen!!!! I hate these songs to OMG!!!!!!!!!!
    Air Supply is the WORST and oh BREAD yuk! Every band or singer here i can't stand either!!
    You are too funny!
    Half this crap i get to listen to at work. OH HOW i hate bad music!!!

  3. OMfriggingG and I was stupid enough to click on the links and now my minds full of CHEESE. CHEESE!!! I'm writhing on the floor over here and desperately looking for a pencil, hell anything, to bore into my ears to stop the horrible sounds filtering through my brain.

    Here's one for you, maybe not cheese but my kid listened to it rapid fire for two solid month. Kung Fu Fighting.

    Try getting that out of your mind.
    Your welcome.

  4. Kenny G. Yes Cheesy. Soprano sax. Yes Cheesy. But the sax. It's sexy. I am currently taking lessons on my grandfathers old Alto to become Lisa Simpson.

  5. Oh, and I would add "Wonderful Tonight" to the cheesy list. Along with Lady in Red.
    I do have good memories of Careless Whisper from our elementary basement parties though LOL!

  6. ha! i was just talking to my friend on the phone about how we should take their kids so they could have an 'afternoon delight'. i feel bad for the one guy singing this song because it has to be just a pipe dream for him...he is very unfortunate looking. as for cheesy songs, do you remember that ode to cheese by the 'captain and tenille' called 'muskrat love'? 1976 was a great year for baaaad songs.

  7. I used to walk around singing Mr. Telephone Man all the time when I was in like the 5th grade! That was the jam back then! But, I gotta agree with you on all of the others. And I have to add You're Beautiful by James Blunt. Frankly, I would just like to punch that guy in the face!

  8. I have not had such a good laugh in a long while..........

    I nearly peed myself at C-U-Next Tuesday..........I PASSIONATLY HATE THE TERMINOLOGY "LOVMAKING"

    hate hate hate> hate HATE.

    THEN, to top it off your last song was the one that popped into my head as soon as I read your post title...


    good going karen you put some fun in my day.

  9. i always comment on your posts because i love you, but i didn't read this one. music bores me stupid. does this make me a bad friend?

  10. Steph, believe it or not, I have no problem with your wedding song. It suits you guys, and it doesn't make my ears bleed--PLUS, it's not some drippy ballad. KUDOS, STEPH!!!

  11. Me too Pam, that's why I MUST complain about it in my blog. What--you don't love it when the guy sings I WANNA MAKE IT WITH YOU? Ha ha bad.

  12. but Lizbeth, wasn't all that excruciating music terrible??? Yes, I would add kungfu fighting to the list, even if it was fun for two minutes. It's still an offender.

  13. ah HA Rhubarbjane! I knows who you are! I remember you learning the saxophone. Are you still?

    Okay, I will concede this: saxophone in really old jazz and big band is actually okay...just not that Chuck Mangione crap!!!! ADD HIM TO THE LIST

    Oh, also, I have to say you had WONDERFUL additions for the list.

    And yes, I will not deny that we ALL love Careless Whisper, but is it not cheesy and over the top!
    I'll bet we all had a cassette tape at one time of our individual recordings of that song.

  14. Mrs H, UNFORTUNATE LOOKING IS RIGHT!!!!! I even said "ew" this afternoon about him when I was looking at the vid. Oh, everybody has to make that joke about gettin' some afternoon delight at some point in their lives.

    Oh Paula, that IS a wonderful one for the list. The Captain and Tenille were fairly rife with cheese anyway.

    check out muskrat love everyone:

    it's a true ralpher.

  15. Heather, you've brought up an interesting point: that James Blunt song IS rather cheesy...and I like that album. I was just thinking recently how the album is pretty good, if one can get beyond Blunts HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE singing voice.

    Hrm...maybe my real problem was Bobby Brown...

  16. Melissa, I think the expression "lovemaking" is so bad and so foul...oh dear god, I can't even talk about it. I'm glad I put some fun in your day. I figured you'd feel as passionate about these songs as I do.

  17. Okay Sherilinnie, no problem. You need only click on one link, and that is the number one song. You simply must, because honestly, I don't know if you or anyone could IMAGINE a worse song. Go ahead, just click on the number 1 link.

  18. It's unfair to list bland pop songs meant for mass consumption for chicks to cry over. They're supposed to be schamltzy and cheesy,

    Poison's Every Rose Has It's Thorn is supposed to be serious. Bret Michaels' stripper GF is cheating on him. He's in a Dallas laundrymat, 2 thousand miles away with an acoustic guitar and a cheese and Bret's trying to ber SERIOUS. Any real rocker/artist would write an F-u song about her being a stripper whore bitch who screwed him over. Rose takes the cake.

    Second place is Chevy Van by Terry Jacks. It;s creepy and he may have gotten laid with that song.

  19. I'm too tired to listen to the links or add to the list at the moment, but boy do I appreciate a music editorial, yes I do! Thanks for the stress relief.

    Maybe I will have a creative addition or two tomorrow. Do sarcastically tongue-in-cheek artists count? If so, The Beautiful South would take the trophy. I doubt you were thinking in that direction, however.

  20. What was that song by Hanson?? Oh it doesn't matter. Anything by Hanson.

    And I will have you know that Jon Bon Jovi is my future ex husband. Or one of them, anyway.

  21. Eeerrrgggghhhhhhh and then I was blllllleeeecccchhhhh and the thing aaaccckkkkk and I gggrrreeeeellllchhhhh and I could not agree more with blllleeeaaaaaacckk! They are ALL hhhaaarrrccckkkkkk!

    Wow, that was frickin exhausting. I need a little lie down. Better go put on my relaxatunes.

    Sarah xxx

  22. This was a pure exercise in ear worm evil. Agggggggg. I must go find my ipod and purge these from my brain!

  23. What a great post; I think my breakfast just came back! And that last cheesiest song! Wow! The only good thing about that whole video was when they start the steel solo and you can see that the nerdy guy in the too-tight-white 70's pants has a case of PSIB (pants stuck in bum). That was worth a laugh!

  24. Grace! I'm so excited because Hanson was on my list of songs I'm ashamed to admit I like! Yes, I feel my own shame!

    Oh, and yes, You and JonBon are getting married, are you? Is he going to shave himself down first from throat to navel, or is he okay with his hairy man chest again?

  25. LANCE YOU'VE MADE ME SO HAPPY!!! Did you know that Every Rose came SOO, SOOOOO close to making it on my list? Don't forget the super AFFECTED country twang he puts into the song as he sings it too.

    BRUTAL. No, I'm still happy. You have made me happy.

    I don't know the other song though and will have to look it up...

    Lance Chevy Van was a WONDERFUL addition to the list. Just wonderful. I was waiting for you to weigh-in on this! Hilarious.

  26. I love you from the bottom of my pencil case, Matt.

    It's okay you didn't click the links--just enjoy my vitriole :)

  27. So now one wonders what Sarah listens to for relaxtunes after cheesetunes...

    Classical? Cold Chisel? Screaming Jets?

  28. Hooray Vino Baby!

    Consensus across the board!
    p.s. What's on your ipod?

  29. Sandy, I have to confess, I didn't watch that entire video of Afternoon delight! I couldn't do it. I listened to a version on youtube that DIDN'T show the band singing.

    Is it mean that somehow the song is even worse when you see the guy who sings it???

  30. ew, i did as you asked & clicked that #1 link. gross. they practically went up his nose with that camera. i had to stop it after just a few seconds cuz it was too painful.

  31. Yes! Exactly Sherilin! Thank you. You've made my day complete.

  32. Rick Astley - Together Forever:

    Then listen to Astley In a Noose by The Wonder Stuff:

  33. But then Paula beat me by finding this gem:


  34. And let's finish it off with some Sade:

    It has the saxman! It's got ZAZZ!

  35. Matt, wonderful addition--Rick Astley, and especially the song you chose. The Wonderstuff washed the yucky taste of it away!

  36. Well Matt, Paula is right--did I have that song on my list of most loathed songs of all time? They definitely deserve to be on this list as well!!!

  37. oooo....smooth operator. Good one Team H. ! Didn't your parents lurv Sade as I recall???


  39. I think you're missing some classics like Part Time Lover. Nothing says cheesy love more than a song about cheating. I really struggled between Part Time Lover and Secret Lovers though.

    And an older song - Fancy. Terminally ill mother turns daughter into a hooker to save her from a life of poverty.

  40. I posted mine on FB - cuz I did - yeah,
    it's been a loooooong night - notice time stamp!
    Love your list!!!

  41. Lisa, you made me so happy. Part Time Lover is WONDERFUL for the list, as is Secret Lover. So horrible.

    Fancy. Well come on, HOOKER is the dream career, no?

  42. I saw that AND hated it Christina! Delightful!

    Come on woman, you have to be in the sack at 10:30, just like me! Well...not last night, but it was nowhere near as late (early) as you!


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