Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
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Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Divorce Papers Will Say: "ALARM CLOCK"

My nemesis
I HATE my husband's alarm clock.  I hate it.  It's not that it makes a sound that's any more annoying than every other alarm clock in the world.  Because, let's face it:  alarm clocks are HIDEOUS.  Anyway--it's on the "radio" setting, so we get to either wake up to

a) static (if the kids have played with it)
b) loud obnoxious dj's, talking about sperm WAY too early in the day (yeah, like there's a more suitable time)
c) SUPER LOUD HEART ATTACK ANEURISM OHMYGODWHEREISTHATNOISECOMINGFROM pulse racing music (if the kids have played with it)
d) gentle, classical music to ease your way into the day

Yeah, so nothing out of the norm there.  Perhaps the real problem is MY HUSBAND, A.K.A.; THE MAN.  He sets that thing for THE STUPIDEST time possible.

For instance:

When he used to commute to Toronto (ultimate suburban hell, in fact, so hellish, I may do a post on why I H8 Toronto so much sometime), he used to set that thing for  5:30 in the morning.  FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING.

So what? you say?  Yeah, so ask me what time he'd get up.  6:20, or perhaps 6:30.

Yes, he'd hit that snooze alarm for AN HOUR.  I wanted to murder him.

I'm not particularly nice in the morning.  Actually, I'm a jerk.  I'm a total hairy a$$hole in the morning.  I hate you, you, and definitely you.  I don't care how cute and cuddly you are for the rest of the day.  I hate the dark crack of dawn, I hate the filthy feel of my exhaustion, the giant-headed fuzzy fatigue.  I need every second of sleep that I can get.  Sleep is precious.  It keeps me from being psychotic.  It keeps me from the hypochondria train; therefore, it keeps me from thinking I have colon cancer, and that's why I'm a little bloaty that day.  It keeps me from lying in my bed at 2:00 that afternoon, with the covers over my head whining;

forget it.  Why should I do a new blog post?  NOBODY CARES ANYWAY.  WAAA WAAAA WAAAAA. In fact, why should I do anything? I'm a big failure. I'm just going to stay here all day until I have to get the kids from school.  Who cares anyway....waaa waaaa waaa...

So yeah, sleep keeps me perky and bouncy.  And if I had to get up at 5:30, I'd be in bed shortly after 9, CAPICHE?  Because I NEED SLEEP.

Anyhoo, back to the 5:30 debacle.  Alarm would go off.  Husband would hit snooze.  Husband would fall IMMEDIATELY back to sleep.  Actually, he may have even fallen back to sleep as he was hitting the snooze button.  I would then lie there in my ugly karen rage listening to him snoring away.  Finally, somewhere near the 9 minute mark, I'd start to drift again.  Alarm would go off.  Snooze button.  Husband immediately back to sleep.

and on, and on, and on.

So we'd have this argument:


The Man:  "but I want to get up at 5:30."

Me (steamwhistle head action):  "BUT YOU NEVER EVER DOOOOOOOOO!"

The Man:  "I will."


The Man.....all done talking to me.

So, now he's started setting the alarm clock again.  For 6:30, even though he doesn't need to get up until 7:00.  Even though our girly gets up at 6:30 herself every day and has rendered alarm clocks COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.

Ask me what time he's been getting up:


You can picture me swinging a hatchet, yes!?

Fine, whatever.  Actually, I've been so exhausted all week, thanks to the Autumnal-byebye daylight-equinox that I've been sleeping through his clock every morning this past week.

Until today.  You know, Saturday?


The Man:  "I forgot."  Then, approximately 5 seconds later:  "ZZZZZZzzzzzzz...."

Oh, I'd better go--Ella wants a turn on the computer, and I have to go throw a clock against the wall.


  1. That snooze button would make me daughter came over and said her room mate does the same thing and she was ssssssssssoooooooo I am hearing you loud and clear all over canada to the west coast...

    I hate it when the man falls asleep during a show and I want to change the channel or turn it off, and then all of a sudden he wakes up and says...."I was watching that" I am like "no you were not, you were sleeping"..then he drops of to sleep again the it goes round and round....

  2. i think alarm clock shennanigans are fair grounds for divorce.
    but might i go out on a limb here & question your "perky & bouncy" version of yourself with lots of sleep? i suspect that even with enough sleep, karen would still be a bit cynical with an even sharper sarcastic wittiness about her? maybe quicker to laugh, but maybe still not exactly perky.
    i was once on a job interview & the interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word. i hesitated, trying to think up a good one & she suggested, "perky?" i cringed like i'd be slapped or called "carnivore."

  3. ya, I echo that. You could be in cryrogenics (sp?) for several years, wake up and never be 'perky'. Kind, yes. Energetic, yes. Perky? No. Maybe the day you put a chainsaw through the last alarm clock on earth - but that theory's yet untested.

  4. ya, I echo that. You could be in cryrogenics (sp?) for several years, wake up and never be 'perky'. Kind, yes. Energetic, yes. Perky? No. Maybe the day you put a chainsaw through the last alarm clock on earth - but that theory's yet untested.

  5. You and my husband could probably have a very rant filled conversation seeing as I do the same thing with my alarm. I have to have a long time to get up in the mornings. :)

  6. It's called "cognitive dissonance" and it seems to be a part of every dysfunctional relationship aka all relationships.

  7. Interesting, when my Mr. was away for work I got to use the alarm to make sure I was up in time for work. I set the alarm for 5:30 and yep, I hit the snooze every ten minutes for an hour, why, because I could. Hahahahahaha, it is something HE would never let me do.

  8. Oh, that is NOT good! I hate alarm clocks too. I use my phone....and...I hate to admit it....but.... I do the alarm/snooze thing too! But not for an hour, honest, I swear. Just for about 15 mins. I like to have a little snooze time you see. Besides I have a snorey hubby too...he sleeps through it. Now, if it was the other way around I'd probably be flinging something at a wall too!

    xx Jazzy

  9. Hehehehe Hahahaha! I have the opposite problem...well, I think. My husband can't even HEAR the alarm half the time. So the alarm goes off...and off...and off...until I go MARK! Then he goes Oh.

  10. Okay, here it is...I am JUST like The man...its so sad, but its true. My alarm is set for about 45 before I need to get up. I get up (**Husband has moved the alarm clock to the opther side of teh room, so I HAVE TO GET OUT OF BED to hit the snooze button**) to hit the snooze button 3 times before I actually drag my ass out of bed :(

  11. Ha ha! Divorce papers! Word on that one, Karen! All I have to do is read the marriage dreams here and remember why I am single!!!

    make him sleep in the couch - I'm laughing as I visualize it already : ) !

  12. Melissa: does your hub even fall asleep with the remote in his hand? Yeah, that's a good one. If I ask Jon if he was watching something as he's falling asleep, he just gives up and says "no" because he knows he'll never stay awake from that point on.

  13. Sherilin, I'm so happy you noticed the PERKY remark. hee hee--it's true, I'm NEVER perky. Perky is for human barbie dolls.

    I'm sorry that bad lady called you perky. What an insult! Next time someone asks you that, say ELECTRIFYING!

  14. Matt, let's be honest: I wouldn't even be energetic. I say this as there's an exhaustion fissure under my eye that's so deep, you could lose your spare change in it.

  15. Okay, Paula and Steph, I'm replying to both of you at the same time, because I HEAR YOU--I too used to LOVE to hit the snooze alarm when I had a job and a real life. However, the problem here is that Jon works AT HOME, and our daughter gets up early EVERY DAY. The other problem is, that when he used to set the alarm for 5:30, that was totally stupid.

  16. dbs, I was looking that up, and I think there was some sort of implication in the definition that I wasn't necessarily the one who was RIGHT, without question. Me no likee that definition. I refute it. Therefore, I am right :)

  17. But Alaina, you're not annoying, so you just keep hitting that snooze button :)

  18. Jazzy, the snooze button can be a wonderful thing--just not for a whole hour :(

  19. Well Steph, perhaps if you were more of a NERD like myself, and in bed at 10:30 (when I'm disciplined), it would be...1% easier to get up :)

  20. Christina, he actually sleeps on the couch quite a bit, but only because he's nearly impossible to wake up once he's drifted off with the tv on.

  21. Jennifer, blogger put your comment in my SPAM box! HOW DARE THEY!?! Anyhoo, oh yes--my husband does that as well. I too have had to say YOUR ALARM IS GOING OFF...oh, so many times.


  22. I am so with you on this. My husband does the same thing and has the nerve to fall back sound asleep. How do they do that?!? I don't get it. Now when it goes off, I climb over him and turn it off. He falls asleep and is late and I tell him tough shit. That happened once or twice and that was then end of his love affair with the snooze button. Apparently I'm an even bigger douche nozzle in the AM.

  23. Lizbeth, I love you. That was so wonderful--you reach across and shut it off! I'm going to do that now.

    Thank you for that story, we are united in our morning jerkness.


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