|Seriously--does cropping one's head and putting it in pictures EVER get old? I think not!|
People, in my last post you may recall I had yet another escapade of fervent hypochondria. There are always at least two diseases I fear I have at any given moment in time, and up until my visit to the horror shack yesterday (A.K.A. the DENTIST), I was starting to quietly freak that I had ORAL CANCER.
Yeah, you laugh, but I have this bumpity on my upper right gum and PROBABLY I was pressing on it too much or it became irritated or something and so one day when I showed it to my sister and hopefully asked "is this normal?" she put the icy hands of terror around my throat and said; "NO--it looks like what [my niece] had when she had to get her tooth pulled."
In other words--an ABSCESS. Or, you can call it what my inlaws do: a "gum boil." Yech. So, I did the best thing possible, and then I went straight in the house and googled "bump on gum" or something stupid like that, and all search avenues led to ABSCESS. So, because I'm a grownup, I freaked. First I plead with fate. Then I plead with The Man:
"BUT I HAVE NO PAIN! HOW CAN THE TOOTH BE INFECTED IF YOU HAVE NO PAIN IN IT? AND I FLOSS! I FLOSS ALL THE TIME!!!"
Then I made him look at the tooth under the bumpity. He said it didn't look like anything weird. Then The Man happened to be chatting with his dad on the phone, and this is how I learned the charming expression "gum boil." And then my father-in-law had a not reassuring story about a guy at his work who had a GUM BOIL and this guy was so terrified of the dentist that he took a sterilized razor blade and sliced that f*cker to release the poison himself.
Then I went back to the computer and googled some more.
Then I cried.
Then I hoped that maybe it was just a cyst? Yeah! Just a cyst!
Then I toyed with the idea of sticking a safety pin into it.
Then I resisted that idea.
Then I remembered again about that HORRIFYING time THAT BUTCHER CRACKED MY TOOTH out of my head when I was JUST PAST my first trimester of my Ella pregnancy, and I was lying there freaking for myself, and freaking that if I freaked too much I'd freak out the baby and the baby would start to freak, and all the while THAT GUY might as well have had his foot on my chest as he YANK--YANK-YANKED that tooth out, and before the thing came out, I was moaning, and tooth bits were actually flying out and hitting my face...
and THEN I thought of that old adage my Mother casually told me once:
"well, you know the saying; 'for every child, lose a tooth.'"
ARGH! Who the hell came up with THIS?!? The idea behind THIS of course is that parasitic little fetus babies leech ALL the nutrients out of the HOST MOTHER, and especially CALCIUM, so not only does having a baby make your bladder FALL DOWN forever, and lie in a mostly detached heap at the bottom of your body (and maybe even fall out a lady's hoo hoo a bit if she's really lucky. I googled it. Prolapsed, anyone?), it makes your FREAKING TEETH ROT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD?!?
And I thought--OMYGOD I HAVE TWO CHILDREN AND I'VE LOST ONE TOOTH!!!
So, I figgered that if I have to get another tooth yanked, it would ALL GO DOWNHILL FROM THERE, and I'd go from this:
|hrm...maybe I should cut my hair again? Me kinda likee in this picture....|
|yeah, that's at least 3 spaces, but that's for dramatic, yet still realistic effect.|
OHDEARGOD IS THAT KAREN???? SHE'S HIDEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I was sitting there with sweaty pits yesterday morning in the dentist's chair, awaiting my fate (and freaking besides because I had to get a filling fixed). I pointed out the bumpity. She felt it...
and said it's JUST BONE! Hooray! I have a bony gum!
Hm...that may be the only part of me that's bony beside my elbows...
Ah well, no matter! I don't have oral cancer! SUCK ON THAT B*TCHES!!!!