Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Friday, October 21, 2011

Hooray! I Don't Have ORAL CANCER!

Seriously--does cropping one's head and putting it in pictures EVER get old?  I think not!

People, in my last post you may recall I had yet another escapade of fervent hypochondria.  There are always at least two diseases I fear I have at any given moment in time, and up until my visit to the horror shack yesterday (A.K.A. the DENTIST), I was starting to quietly freak that I had ORAL CANCER.

Yeah, you laugh, but I have this bumpity on my upper right gum and PROBABLY I was pressing on it too much or it became irritated or something and so one day when I showed it to my sister and hopefully asked "is this normal?"  she put the icy hands of terror around my throat and said; "NO--it looks like what [my niece] had when she had to get her tooth pulled."

In other words--an ABSCESS.  Or, you can call it what my inlaws do:  a "gum boil."  Yech.  So, I did the best thing possible, and then I went straight in the house and googled "bump on gum" or something stupid like that, and all search avenues led to ABSCESS.  So, because I'm a grownup, I freaked.  First I plead with fate.  Then I plead with The Man:


Then I made him look at the tooth under the bumpity.  He said it didn't look like anything weird.  Then The Man happened to be chatting with his dad on the phone, and this is how I learned the charming expression "gum boil."  And then my father-in-law had a not reassuring story about a guy at his work who had a GUM BOIL and this guy was so terrified of the dentist that he took a sterilized razor blade and sliced that f*cker to release the poison himself.

Then I went back to the computer and googled some more.
Then I cried.
Then I hoped that maybe it was just a cyst?  Yeah!  Just a cyst!
Then I toyed with the idea of sticking a safety pin into it.
Then I resisted that idea.

Then I remembered again about that HORRIFYING time THAT BUTCHER CRACKED MY TOOTH out of my head when I was JUST PAST my first trimester of my Ella pregnancy, and I was lying there freaking for myself, and freaking that if I freaked too much I'd freak out the baby and the baby would start to freak, and all the while THAT GUY might as well have had his foot on my chest as he YANK--YANK-YANKED that tooth out, and before the thing came out, I was moaning, and tooth bits were actually flying out and hitting my face...


and THEN I thought of that old adage my Mother casually told me once:

"well, you know the saying; 'for every child, lose a tooth.'"

ARGH!  Who the hell came up with THIS?!?  The idea behind THIS of course is that parasitic little fetus babies leech ALL the nutrients out of the HOST MOTHER, and especially CALCIUM, so not only does having a baby make your bladder FALL DOWN forever, and lie in a mostly detached heap at the bottom of your body (and maybe even fall out a lady's hoo hoo a bit if she's really lucky.  I googled it.  Prolapsed, anyone?), it makes your FREAKING TEETH ROT RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD?!?


So, I figgered that if I have to get another tooth yanked, it would ALL GO DOWNHILL FROM THERE, and I'd go from this:

hrm...maybe I should cut my hair again? Me kinda likee in this picture....

to THIS!!!!!!!!

yeah, that's at least 3 spaces, but that's for dramatic, yet still realistic effect.


So, I was sitting there with sweaty pits yesterday morning in the dentist's chair, awaiting my fate (and freaking besides because I had to get a filling fixed).  I pointed out the bumpity.  She felt it...

and said it's JUST BONE!  Hooray!  I have a bony gum!

Hm...that may be the only part of me that's bony beside my elbows...

Ah well, no matter!  I don't have oral cancer!  SUCK ON THAT B*TCHES!!!!


  1. i've lost 3 teeth as an adult, but only have one kid. oh wait, i had 2 miscarriages, so maybe those unborn buggers took my teeth with them when they went.
    i'm glad you don't have oral cancer. and way to go with your sexy boney gum region!
    i like the shorter hair picture too. time for a haircut!

  2. glad you don't have oral cancer :) My horror shack is the eye doctor. they're always finding a new reason to poke my eyeballs. ack.

  3. Agreed your hari does look awesome in that picutre...BUT wait! I alays think your hair looks awesome...even though you complain about it!
    I am happy you do not have oral cancer...or any other kind of cancer! I, too, have a bump on my upper right gum...way way up there...I have been to the dentist teice since I found it...they have I say nothing. I. do. not. want. to. know.
    but hearing you are all good...perhaps I will ask when I am there in a few weeks!

  4. i lurv the toothless pic, you look like a british barmaid! i am glad that you feel better, ie)less freaked and paranoid.

  5. OMG thank GAWD! I once went to the doc and told her I was pretty sure I had liver cancer. She poked around and told me I had to do a poo. She was right. And that is a true story.

    I'm pretty sure the Extreme Makeover people would love to help you with your bony gum problem - perhaps there is a prosthetic gum you could wear? Or a gum implant?

    And thank for reason number 577 that I didn't have children. **SHUDDER**

    Sarah xxx

  6. Hehe, you said, "Boney Gum." For whatever reason that cracking me up.
    Well I'm glad you don't have oral cancer or anything else. But dammit, there goes some good blog fodder right there.

    And for the record, cropping your head on pictures will NEVER get old. I love it!!

  7. At first, when I read Sarah's comment, I thought she said, "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", and I lost it with laughter. Imagine all the sympathetic music as they described your 'dilemna' in the narration? 'Mrs. Karen is plagued by boney gum condition, but she does not let that stop her from donating vast amounts of time to two stray children and taking care of her housebound spouse. Let's make her a spa master bath so that she has an oasis from all those hardships...' OR, something like that anyway.

    oh, yeah. glad you don't have cancer, finding more uses for head-cropping, etc.

  8. Congratulations on your continual living and doing so without any big gaps in your face.
    My one 6 year old twin just lost all of his upper front teeth. Talk about hideous! I told him not to talk to me until his teeth grew back.

  9. Oh my word - I just forwarded this post to my sister. I had a friend who lost several teeth, which she said was a result of her pregnancies. My sister told me that was not accurate, and that she had NEVER (you have to say that word with emphasis, in a snooty way, to let me know what a freaking moron I am for believing such a stupid old wives' tale) heard of such a thing.

    Oh, and I'm glad to hear you don't have oral cancer.

  10. karen, i have never heard that lose a tooth for each child, but I suppose it its true as I have 4 kids, and 4 missing teeth!!!!!!

    all molars! how I get anything chewed is beyond me.

    but what really got me going was your pinched nerve in you leg. everytime I lay stretched out on the couch my leg goes maybe that is what it is, a pinched nerve.

    you are a chip off my block. I HATED SCHOOL. I have no idea what in heavens name ANYBODY would ever want to be a teacher?

    no clue. unless some of them want to get back at society and be bitchy to kids?

    anyhow, right now my teeth, have, seem to have lost the enamel right at the gum........and I am paranoid to go see the dentist.....I dont want to even think about it.........AND WE HAVE COVERAGE......this is gonna bite me in the ass , i know it.

    I am so freaked out at the dentist.

  11. Thanks Sherilin--I'm glad I just have a bony protrusion too! Were you terrified when you got your teeth yanked or are you much, much less of a baby than I? I'm going to guess the latter.

    Yeah, the shorter hair is fun...until I see a pic of a couple of years ago with longer hair, then I'm all, "aw :( "

    Stupid hair.

  12. R&C, I haven't been to the eye doctor yet...I'm a cheapo because now we have to pay for it. I s'pose I should go though. Sorry that that's your personal HORROR SHACK.

  13. Thanks Steph. Ask my sister how much I complain about it. She's getting tired of hearing it. I only like the way it looks afterward when I see it in pictures :)

    Anyhoo, yes, teeth are terrifying, and like you, there was a HUGE part of me that just DID NOT WANT TO KNOW, but I FORCED MYSELF to deal with it.

    Damn I hate forcing myself to deal with it.

    So you too must DEAL WITH IT!

  14. Thank you Ms. H. What if I wa a toothless, wanton barmaid? Oooo...I feel a fantasy coming on...

  15. Liver cancer, Sarah? Why, I haven't had that worry. If I had any pain in that vicinity, I would IMMEDIATELY conclude "PANCREATIC CANCER" ( number 1 most feared....shudder...shudder...)

    Yes, yes, you can also add "fabulous body of a hawt young woman" to your list as well.

  16. yeah Lizbeth--it ain't called "ANGST" for nothin'!

    Maybe I should call myself that:

    The BLOG FODDER. Get it everyone? GET IT?!? I amuse myself.

    Yeah, I have more head cropping in store.

  17. Matt, that would be a most ridiculously delightful premise for a show.

    Hey...remember EXTREME MAKEOVER wherein a person had a zillion things fixed on their broke down self for the sake of tv entertainment???

  18. Mark, you make me laugh. There was a girl in Jack's class who I swear was missing those front teeth the ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR.

  19. Yes, but Vesta, where do WIVES TALES come from? FACT, that's where. Undisputed, un-contestable FACT.

    Ha ha ha....well, old adage aside, pregnancy is hard on EVERYTHING. Now I must google pregnancy and teeth...

    Thank you for being glad I don't have oral cancer, and thank you for dropping in! Join us any time :)

  20. Melissa--four children and four missing teeth!

    HEAR THAT, PEOPLE?!? The old wives have WISDOM!!! Terrible, horrible, wisdom.

    I am SO, so freaked by the dentist. I found a way to be less freaked though: I listened to my ipod while she drilled out my old filling and crammed in a new one. It made life sooooooooooooooooo much better. I could only kinda hear the terrible sounds of torture, and otherwise it was the dreamy hot toddy voice of Nat King Cole in my ears.

    I strongly recommend buying an ipod, or some other mp3 player--if only to make a dental visit better!!!

    Now go deal with that shit before it's too late and they say something horrible like they have to yank more teeth..or worse ROOT CANAL.

    Holy frock, I'm terrified of those two words.

  21. oh, and perhaps some of the people who become teachers actually have energy. Or, maybe they were disappointed that 95% of their teachers sucked and they want to be better than that, or maybe they suck too and just want those summers off.


    Everyone click to this article NOW

    "Pregnancies linked to Tooth Loss"

  23. i wasn't too much of a baby about it. i mean, i wasn't excited about it, but i was just glad to get a painful tooth out of my head.
    now i need to go read that link.

  24. I figured you'd be more stoic! That's just how you are :)
    But a toothache is certainly a motivator!!!

  25. Im glad you're ok, I always get freaked out over that kind of stuff too!

  26. yeah, so much expended energy for nothing, Ms. Weez. Sigh.


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