Figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up.
Oop..I AM grown up...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Housewife Fantasy


I'm not talking about some fantasy whereby the guy who comes to install a new window in your house just happens to be super hot, and you lock eyes with him, and he looks at you like you are a VIXEN, and not the burnt out soon-to-be-40 trainwreck with jowls that you are, and he says; "I need to show you something in the basement" and you say; "oh yeah?  I hope it's what I think it is" and he says; "it's even better than what you think it is" and...


it's not that fantasy.

Tell me something:  has every woman who is a mom and housewife said "I'M RUNNING AWAY" at some point?

You know when I'm talking about:  you have tons of laundry to do anyway, and you discover that one of your kids slid off their sheets with a bare bum, and the other kid had to wear yesterday's socks to school because you haven't done THAT load of laundry yet, and the idiot cat (you're not sure which) pissed in the basket that had the clean white shirts in it, that you'd hung out on the line to dry, and now your favourite new tank top has a yellow stain on it that smells like that cat pee smell that you have to be a WIZARD to get out of clothes, and when you go to make dinner, you discover the broccoli has turned white and furry, and it's too late to thaw out that pot roast, so you trick your family into eating a quick version of "kraft dinner alfredo" but it still just kind of tastes like kraft dinner, but it has peas in it, and even YOU feel like picking the peas out?

So, you take one look at the toys that are everywhere and you say "I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY!"  Okay.  Say you did:  where would you go?

Would you

1. go to the library, where it's quiet and you could sit in one of those comfortable arm chairs and read for a while

2. hop in the car, fill up the tank and take a road trip to somewhere within a realistic distance and see something beautiful

3. hop in the car and go far enough away that you couldn't make it back that same night, so you had to get a motel room, order a movie only YOU would like and chill out?

4. pack your bathing suit and a bottle of Baileys and head off  to a swanky hotel or spa, check yourself right in, and be in that hot tub in under 30 minutes with a plastic cup of that liqueur by your side?

5. drive yourself straight to the airport and fly off to some place hot and spicy and buy all the clothes you need for a week at the resort you've just booked yourself into

6) drive as far as a full tank of gas could take you and see where you end up?

We all know that option 1 would probably do the trick, but when you imagine it, where would you go?


  1. If money was no object (unfortunately, it is always TOO much of an object in my housewife world) I would vote for #5. Fly me away to somewhere hot, spicy, and slightly adventurous...with a credit card I was not responsible for paying off please. Oh, and some hot cabana boys while you are at it, right?

  2. i would prefer the resort where i got to buy new clothes, though such a swanky place probably only sells clothes that are little rather than size fat-girl & i'd discover that even in my fantasy of running away, my stupid ass life follows me anyway.
    i do have that fantasy of running sometimes though. if only there was money to give me a little bit of leeway in my fantasy run.

  3. I am not a stay at home mom/housewife...can I pick anyway?? I felt liek running away sometimes and in my fantasy I pick $5!

  4. I'd skip all of those and go back to where we got married. On a small island in Hawaii...

  5. oh yeah, number 5 all the way, but i would like to go scotland, so i could listen to that fab accent all day and i could look at castles.oh, and i would shop alot, but i am rich and a size 2 in this fantasy, so why not!?

  6. Oh yes, been there; even done that (but I took both kids with me). And we got a motel room and ordered room service and swam in the pool and ate junk in front of the TV. Other times when I ran away from the kids and all, I ran away for the day, ate cheesecake and latte, dreamed I could afford to buy those shirts at that boutique, and sat on the riverside and breathed. (But if money wasn't an option, I'd go to the spa; and look for Sven to take me to the basement and show me something!)

  7. Vinobaby....there should definitely be hot cabana boys--even if they are only a myth :( You're right about the credit card though.

  8. Sherilin, I swear every woman dreams of running away at some point, and maybe you're right about the clothes situation. Hell--we could always get a big beach wrap and criss-cross it all sexay and wear that all week.

  9. Steph, you're a mom and a housewife still--even though you have a job. You DEFINITELY can pick.

  10. Paula you'd head straight to that magical, beautiful island you love which I'd never heard of before you...Ocrakoke...Okracoke...
    I'm too lazy to google it for correct spelling.

  11. Paula H, I'd settle for being a size 16. I'd be freaking happy to be that again :( Sniff! Now I'm sad!

    Anyhoo, you are so right about Scotland--I wonder how many other women wanted to hop on a plane after discovering Jamie Fraser???

  12. Sandy, you are now my hero, because you haven't just talked the talk, you've walked the walk. Okay, I hate that expression, but you know what I mean. Good for you. I'm going to have to do that once in my life then.

  13. I still have a fantasy of going to the U.S. to find some mythically epic diner, that serves something so fabulously artery-clogging, it's famous. We just don't have that here

  14. This is how lame I am. Back in my post partum depression days, I had this escape plan all worked out to run away to. . .Toronto.

    I have no idea why I chose Toronto, except that I had heard it was clean and safe, and I was obviously out of my mind. It took about 18 months to shake the PPD and realize I could have just as easily escaped to Bermuda. Duh.

  15. but Grace, that was the best plan of all because it was both realistic, and attainable. Toronto, however, is a toilet.

    Don't make me tell you again People: TORONTO IS A TOILET.

    Thank you for stopping in Grace. I'm sorry you suffered the PPD--that's nasty.

  16. Karen i have to tell you that first part well I know someone who that happened to!! LOL!!! She did the guy who put in her windows while her hubby was at work. Needless to say she did get divorced...oh too funny!
    Yes i love going for the brocoli and it has the fuzz on it. I thought this only happend to me!!!
    I'll trade places with you and you can go do cash at the grocery store and put up with annoying customers all day!!

  17. You have the best blog Karen! I think I would pick #4 or #5 and I don't know if I qualify yet, kiddo is still on the way, my husband will be the one staying home and we don't have pets, but I want to escape my job does that count?

  18. NOOOO PAM, NO. I will not trade with you--I have a ton of sympathy because I HATE serving the public: they are HORRID.

    Anyhoo, that's too funny about the windows guy. AH well, I hope the reality was as good as the fantasy.

  19. It ABSOLUTELY counts JD! It may be a woman thing--the men haven't really given me any indication it's a guy thing.

    Anyhoo, how are you feeling, woman? Girthsome? Yeah, you are at the omygodI'msouncomfortable stage.

    And thanks for the kind words!

  20. I wouldn't go anywhere. However, I would put someone else on a plane with a one-way ticket. Oh snap.

  21. LOL, DBS! Oh snap indeed. OH well, whatever gives you SANCTUARY...

  22. i'd buy the big fancy beach wrap, twist it all around, feeling supa fly & sexy & then return to the hotel room later that night only to realize that all the attention i was getting all day was due to the fact that i'd twisted it wrong & my twat was showing all day. and i'd forgotten to shave my bits up for too many months, so it was like a damn tumbleweed hanging out. ayechihuahua. my fantasy sucks.

  23. Sherilin, I think you're letting too much reality intrude on the fantasy. Yes, at any given moment, there are very few of us who have our chihuahuas groomed as they should be, but that should never stop us from letting them shine in the sun.

  24. i have a difficult time with fantasy.

  25. hee hee! Well, you should have said so in the first place. You could have said this: I have a hard time with fantasy, karen. We're stuck in our spot at the kitchen sink. Get used to it.


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